Lately,
When I’ve tried
Opening the gates
The locks to my kingdom
It’s simply impossible to accomplish.
I’m terrified,
Terrified,
Of being ‘open.’
What does ‘open’ really even mean?

Am I supposed to investigate
Every dazzling petunia?
Conduct a survey among my local hydrangeas?
Or maybe I should consider taking a hibiscus
As my teacher
In order to learn the art of blooming.
Flowers mastered
The art of opening up to the world,
Without the fear that those around it
Will shine more astronomically
More brilliantly
Than they.

Yes, I wish I was a flower,

I wish I did not care.
I need to learn
How not to care
Like a flower.

Flowers may be ‘weak’
But they’re still stronger
Than me.
My skin is too soft-
My shell might crack
And it will break open
And you will see
That there’s nothing left inside me
And I will carve myself open
To prove it to you.

If I open up
Like a flower,
I’m sure to sustain an injury
Or a lot.
Trust is a butterfly
Easy to crush
Impossible to take
And wow
When you have it
It’s an amazing thing.
But when it’s gone,
Oh it’s an
Ugly
Mangled
Dead thing.

When did this trust
Fall out of my chest?
Did it shatter when it fell?
Because it’s sure broken
Into a million pieces
And it is mangled and ugly.
I am so broken
So fully broken
Hugs are poison
And your touch
Could burn the heart
Out of me.

I’m just anxious
I’m always nervous
My veins itch and
When your eyes dance on my form
I become physically ill
And when you put a hand on my shoulder
I’ll jump like a suicidal bird in flight.
These nerves are eating away
I’m being dissolved by their horrid bleach
And my organs are already mush.

Once, when I was just a little girl,
I think it was my ankle,
I hurt it one way or another-
Kids will be kids, they say-
So I told my Daddy.
Well the best advice he had was,
“Just hurt something else- it’ll hurt less that way.”
It was never an injury
In their eyes
Unless it was a
Bleeder.

Once, when I was just a little girl,
Mommy was soo sad after having
Her little baby boys-
They call it ‘postpartum depression’
But I’ve always considered it regret and
Even now,
I still wonder,
If they ever wanted me.
I guess that’s the damage inflicted
By knowing that your siblings
Were all mistakes.

Once, when I was just a little girl,
Mommy would get these
Horrible headaches
So I choose silence-
I choose silence a long time ago-
And I haven’t found my voice since.

Once, when I was just a little girl,
Mommy and Daddy turned our house
Into a war zone-
Coming home was like an active tour of duty.
Two super powers constantly at ends-
Well, as you can imagine,
There was collateral damage,
And I can still see it in my brother’s eyes
Whenever Mommy raises her voice
Or a door slams a little too hard.

Once, when I was just a little girl,
I read a poem at school
About killing myself.
It’s funny that some other kids mom
Cared more than mine
For my wellbeing.
Because I still sport battle scars
And they’ve asked
And still did nothing
Even when I lied
Right to their faces.

Well, Once, when I was just a little girl,
My big brother died
And so did everything good
In the world.

You’re constructed out of the same elements
That stars and lionesses and
Even your sister wolves are.
Through your heart pumps star poison!
The very iron in your capillaries
Would destroy something
As extraordinary and enormous as a star.

Your organs are padded with the same
Water that used to carve away
Amazing things like the Grand Canyon,
Your insides are bursting with water
From dissolving meteors- from deeper in space than you know.

Your bones can survive tornadoes,
Hurricanes,
Massive disasters-
And you’re still pulling out your hair and
Tearing at your skin?

You may feel like you have nothing
Left inside your core,
But your heart is still beating, isn’t it?
Your lungs still intake oxygen-
Adept in fueling fires to level entire forests-
Even though all we are is
Carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, iron, and phosphorous.

But men still charge into collapsing fireballs
And mothers still hold their crying children
And clouds still hang in the stratosphere and
You can still make it through this
Because every day is something new.

Our bodies
Are really just galaxies
Held together by bone and flesh.
My thoughts are stars.
But
How can you expect me to
Recognize the constellations
That they could potentially form
When I’ve always ******
At thinking linearly?

Hell,
I have a hard enough time
Remembering
That
I am still alive.
I dropped a plate today-
That promptly shattered-
Because
For that very instant
I didn’t exist.

I think

Maybe
I was born
To self-destruct
Quite like
The most massive suns
In our universe
Detonate
Into supernovae.

One of these days
Out of the blue
My chest is going to start
Caving in
And my arms and legs will contract
And finally
I’ll flood out into the open-
I always did tell you
My heart was an ocean
Filled so full that it’s
Ready to erupt.

Well once I’ve emptied
My heart
My body
And my mind
Maybe
Just maybe
I’ll find the strength
To reconstruct this galaxy.

But I’d probably need some
Major work.
I need help untangling these veins.
Someone
Just give me
A diagnosis
Because
My lungs should work
Just fine
But I just
CAN'T BREATHE-
Surely there are vultures flying around
Grating my insides.
I want you to rewrite my skin
Dig up the graveyards
In my skeleton
And maybe
Help settle some of these ghosts.
I just wanted-
So desperately-
For you to find a home
Somewhere near my heart
That I tried stitching a home
Into my ribcage
But the seams are jagged
And tender
And it feels like they’re leaking
All the ******* time
But no matter what-
Whenever I check my lesions-
They’re healing.

Hopefully,
My structures
Will last longer
This time
Around the bend.

Because unless
You have your own scars,
You’ll probably
Never understand mine.

But we all do something.

You can’t fathom the leagues
Of deep dark arctic water that churn
Just under my crust
Or the monsters
Surfing the waves
Because
They tell you to drown your demons
But
I’m pretty positive
Mine have known how to swim
From the beginning.

You don’t see
The stress and anxiety
That pumps around
Through my blood
Igniting my body
And effectively silencing me.

Please don’t touch me
Not until you understand
That sometimes
All I am capable of felling
Is needles and razors.
The added pressure
Of your feather light touch
Might just
Cause a cave in.

Please don’t
Love me
Until you
Recognize
That
I do not love myself
But
I AM trying.

For the longest time
I’ve been so concerned
That
You might start
Seeing me
The way I see myself
But something really
Kind of funny happened
(I think)
I’m starting
To see myself
The way you see me.

My skin
Has been left to rot
Too many times
And WOW-
That really hurts.
My cells
Is still in the process
Of growing back
But it’s still so sensitive.

I’m swallowing
Your forgiveness
Because
I need it
For my own.
I cannot
Excuse
Myself-
Not anymore.

There is
No such concept
As
‘Beautifully broken’
Some of us
Are just better than others
At clutching
Bleeding seams.

Drinking today just borrows tomorrow’s happiness.
You aren’t the only one who thinks about going home and killing themselves.
Poetry and *** are an enthralling combination.
You’re not a ‘young girl’- you’re an actual real person.
In reality, all that every person wants is love, happiness, and acceptance- keep that in mind.
Sometimes it feels like everything good has been whitewashed out of your world,
Yet it still goes on. You go on.  
Be proud of yourself for being alive-
Sometimes that’s all there is to be proud of.
Coping tactics don’t always work.
Words are important- speak up.
It is your own birthright to die- no one can take that from you.
When you understand your own deepest,
Darkest inner workings- you’ll be invaluable in helping others-
So don’t be afraid of self-reflection even though it’s hard.
Put up a fight for what you love.
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.

I remember,
When I was young
I was a princess-
Not in the conventional sense
However.
I wanted to grow up
And become-
Not royalty-
Especially not
The Queen.
No, what I wanted to be
Was the vicious and coldblooded
Dragon
That can destroy everything
Without worrying
About someone greater
And fiercer coming along
To stop me.

Even if
You just went back 5 years

You would clearly
Be able to observe
That I was a fawn-
Still just a little princess.
Who can say when
This drastic transformation
Transpired?

I must have started sleeping
With my limbs dangling hazardously
Over the edge of the bed
Near the void-
Because I know well enough
Something profane did
Creep up from the darkness
Into me-
And now there is
No
Going back.

I mounted
These vapors
And took to the atmosphere.
I soared
Up
And up
And up
Until my problems
Were no longer my problems
And I ceased loving.

You’d better believe that
I am
Gulping these flames
And these infernos
Are, in fact,
Licking away at my insides.
I am a great serpent  
Borne from something unholy-
Guarding my heart
In a haze of smoke.

There was surely a time
When I was light
And morality
But
Somewhere along the way,
I stopped caring
Took in the dark
And the fire
To fuel my own desires.

But evidently,
I am not the merciless drake
I so anticipated becoming.
Because just the other day
I was terror and dread-
And today
I feel no larger
Than a teacup.

Here I was,
Deluding myself
Into thinking
That I am a fireball
Capable of extinguishing cities.
When lately,
Every night
I contract into myself
Fighting to keep warmth
In my heart
Before I freeze solid again
Because they tell you
To light a fire within yourself
In order to keep warm
But
They never tell you
That sometimes
It can scorch pits into your ribcage.

Lately I’m just tallying grievances,
Just pending, just aiming for important,
Poisoning and drowning these fetuses,
But this subzero current feels constant.
And I can't get out and it's all your fault,
What was always will be and that’s that dear.
From now on, will this be our joint default?
I have been hounding you for a light year,
But the cosmic world wouldn't know this ache.
I'll engrave you into the skies for good,
From the cosmos can you see my hands quake?
The worst part is I still would- if I could.

I’ll erase you and I will erase me,
Leave me be or I'll do something extreme.

I feel bad
Catching my own reflection
Trapping it with my eyes
Because hey
I hate it enough when you all do it.

Only, the difference is,
I see through this guise,
Know the dark secrets,
Have seen all the ugliness
And by god
I just
Hate it
I hate being looked at
watched
I wish I was invisible.
Because
All I ever wanted to be
Was nothing
But even when you’re ‘nothing’
They can still see you
Even though they see ‘nobody’

But the really funny part
Is that
I have
The hardest time
Even considering myself
Alive
Real
In existence
If I’m not ’visible.’  
Maybe I wasn’t created
To exist on this plane.

So I write
I write and I hammer away
At this keyboard
Like a contractor trying
Desperately
To repair this ramshackle house
To fix it without
Ruining the foundations
So fully
That it crumbles.

Because, in many ways,
I’m in active decay.
You never know what’s
On fire or broken
And sometimes
You’ll find carcasses
In unexpected places
Because these
‘Skeletons’
Keep crawling under my bed
While I toss and turn
And sneaking out of closets
While I write to you.

Because if home
Is where the heart is,
Then where did mine go?

And suddenly
I don’t know what to do
Because suddenly
I’m not fine and
I’m learning how to speak again
But I’m still so trivial
And inaudible
And I barely exist.
No, no,
Really, I’m fine
I’m fine
Please don’t touch me
I’ll hate it or I’ll like it too much.
Please don’t look at me
Please pretend that I’m not here
Because your attention will
Make me even smaller
And soon
I’ll really be nothing.

You know,
We may both be Neptune’s daughters-
Free and extravagant little fish flaunting their scales-
But maybe our hearts exist in separate parts of the ocean.
So much for being my “other half”.

See
Because you lie on beaches in California
And I’m burning my skin
Trying to get rid of this chill
So we can live in the same world.
Because I thought that
Maybe
Just maybe,
We could both
Meet somewhere in the middle
But now I’m pretty sure you just
Didn’t want that.

See
Because there’s no way to make you love me,
No number of
Poems I write,
Songs I sing,
Or beautiful words I conjure for you.
You do not love me
But man I loved you
But I don’t anymore.

See
Because there was something truly
Enchanting about drowning with you.
And really, I’m so happy you found solid ground,
But by god, I can barely see you on the shore,
From this far out at sea.
And now I’m terrified,
Petrified like a bit of driftwood,
Because what if my good
Can’t overcome my slights and I sink
Like dead weight,
Like an anchor pitched into the depths.
Because after all this time,
You just don’t feel like swimming out
To save me anymore?

See because
In a lot of ways
This love was a lot like art.
It could have saved me,
It could have set me free,
Doubtless would’ve hurt,
Maybe even destroyed me.
Because after all this time,
And through this winter,
I think my hearts finally frozen solid again
And the sharp bits of crystal ice floating around me
Are cutting my skin
And gouging out my insides
Enough to make me sink.

I have been discarded
By the ones that I love,
But
That does not mean that I will let down
Those who love me
Because survival is bitter and cold
Like the stagnant coffee
At the bottom of this shot glass
Or the day old corpse in my closet.