As I wrap my son in pride
--you wallow in your own.
As I plan the future you spend the same amount of time in the past.
My failure to become the child you want
has prevented you from loving the grandchild I've given.
So I will hide my triumphant blessing
and keep him from the judgement I faced.
And since I am such a horrible letdown
--you have four other children to be "good enough" for you.
And I would wish you greater pride in them but you already have enough in yourself.
There has been much growth in myself like the grass in the spring and with that growth I see life and decay
For I am learning to be good enough for my baby and not perfect for you.

Sometimes when I miss you, I forget you are gone
When I see my love I give to others
When I see the extra mile I give
When I press on through my own emotion for them
--I think of you.
I catch myself turning for your face to find only memories.
I feel you touch my shoulder after every smile I make.
Now every time the world grows colder I will remember those last words you said to me
Your hearty laugh
your serious scowl
the gallons of black coffee you drank.
All seem like distant mirages that used to calm me so.
You've taught me to strive for better
that I can do more than love
And then you taught me the hardest lesson of all
--loss.

It has been a year
and I say that too tired to stand--but still I trudge on.
You were once a vine with white flowers
and now you have become a treacherous maze.
And I walk through every curve
dodge every overhang--trying to find you again.
Saying, "I love you."
calling out, "I'm here for you."
But your branches get bigger and your leaves grow thicker
I'm searching for you and while I do I stare at some blooms, they like little memories of our past.  And I become more focused on the past than getting out of the thicket
And I am choked like a ****.
As I am strangled and I am losing my breath I think to myself
"How could I be a **** when you said I was a beautiful flower?"
"Why would you take away my breath when you promised me a life?"
And by how you leave me I see all I needed to see.

I'd tell you to go to hell but you've created it like a fire within me.

You cant hate me for things you've done before
you cant slam an already closed door

For I have locked you out
and the key is in cement

You cant own what was never yours
you cant borrow what you had already stole

For I have locked you in a jail
and mangled it shut

and I cant be yelled at anymore
and I cant be the one to scream for help at that your cold shoulder.

I knew you never loved me
By how you left me.
And I knew I'd never love again
Because of how you left me.

It is written about the Father's judgement and how it harms
but one thing I've always noticed is the Son's love always follows.
For you are my sunshine, my only sunshine
--and it's not just in the song that I see your love.
I have grown you from an apple seed in the frozen winter ground
and you have brought spring to my heart where I thought permafrost had set in for sure.
You are my greatest gift
and soon my greatest pain
but I would endure every second and bleed out every vein.