“Run,
Go away,
If you run you won’t be like them,”
My anxiety says,
“You won’t be stuck,”
It repeats over and over.

What it forgot to mention,
What my heart says,
“If you run you’ll never rest,
Never get to try to be happy,”

When I go to sleep,
I wake up in the middle of the night,
Stuck in my spot as my muscles tense,
Visions of what might happen blur past,
Stamping my brain,
Again and again,
Until what feels like hours on end,
I can move again,

I wake up,
I tell my heart
“I’ll follow you today,”
I’m scared to,
Petrified,
But I’ll try.

My anxiety bubbles over,
Seeing me succeed week in and out,
It rages,
It brings a friend to this fight,
A friend called depression,

As I try,
As begin to fight,
My heart follows,
But it is scared too,
We both hide instead,
I’ve lost.

Anxiety holds my lungs captive,
Pushing them as if they were in a 5K,
I breathe fast,
My brain is visited by anxiety’s party,

“Your past should show you to run,”
“You’ll end up like them,”
“Run while you can,”
“You’ll be stuck,”
“You’re ignoring all the signs,”

Tears spill down my face as I believe them,
Suddenly my lungs go faster,
And I realize I am running,
Running from my own  happiness,
Away from my stability,
Away from everything,
All I do is run.

Just like my dad,
You think with all the running his heart would be healthier,
I thought that, too.

I was wrong,
It made his heart weak,
It shied away much too often,
It killed him in the end.

Will that be me too?

A smile,
A breath,
A new chance,
Something to try,
A reason to try,
There are many,
They might seem stupid,
They might seem small,
They may not seem to be worth it,
Know that they are worth it.

A fight,
Inside a mind,
A never-ending battle cry,
It rings inside a head,
Sometimes soft,
Sometimes loud,
But it’s always filled with dread,
Dread to keep fighting,
Dread to accept the reasons,
The reasons to try.

If you never try,
You may never lose,
But you’ll also never win.

Don’t settle,
Don’t think it’s okay,
Don’t say “I’m used to it,”,
Don’t lie and say “I’m fine,”.

When you do these,
You lose sight,
You lose sight of your worth,
You can lose your opulence,
You’ll lose your fight,
You’ll break in the end.

Mom and Dad,
Siblings,
Family,
Love,
Safety and some place to go to,
Things most have.

Happiness is safety,
Like a place to go home to,
During a war there is no home,
No safety,
Not even love.


Sometimes this war is depression,
A long battle,
Difficult to overcome in its entirety,
Like every war,
Depression is something you can’t fight on your own,

Some things in the war remind you of what it was like,
What it was like before the war,
They give moments of clarity,
They show you what you’re fighting for.

These things can be simple as a smile,
A goodbye,
A compliment,
Or as important as,
A long meaningful talk,
A good hug.

When you receive these,
The battle is easier to fight for a moment,
So please give it to others,
Share the clarity,
Win a war.

Words,
Stories,
Books,
They held my childhood captive like a directive hand,
Holding me as I escaped,
Escaped a father’s in-your-face anger,
Escaped a mother’s fierceness
Escaped the yelling in the other room,
Ringing like sirens telling me to run off to my dreams,
To escape others emotions.

The stories whispered understanding to me,
Allowing me to relate and understand others,
Showing me not to run from others emotions.

Words allowed me to understand,
Understand mother’s grief-stricken face,
Why she cried through the pain,
Understand my best friends longing to be needed,
Understand father’s aggressiveness,
To understand people in general,
To understand my world and everything around me.

Yet could never understand myself,
Never understood my emotions,
My pains,
Why I am the way that I am.

Little did I know the books tried to help me,
The words cared too,
I never understood myself,
Except when I allowed the words to help,
To let them flow from my body,
Out of my eyes.

I felt the words,
Rushing through my finger tip,
Sprawling out in front of me,
Forming a smile as I understood,
Understood myself.

In using the words,
I found out how to understand myself.

Now that I’ve lost you,
I don’t know what to do,
Now that you’re gone,
I always feel so blue.

I can’t control my emotions,
Nor sleep just right,
For what I crave,
Is for you to hold me tight.

I blame you,
Your girls are just so mean,
But if what they say is true,
What happened to me.

What happened to us?

From seventeen,
Until your end,
I want you to know,
You were my oldest friend.

We fought and we cried,
We loved and only I live,
You still have my heart,
I have no other heart to give.

So I wait,
In this lonely plain,
Alone with your girls,
Until I can see you again.

- You took more than you gave, my love

Better safe than sorry,
This is considered true,
If better safe than sorry,
Why would I love you?

You’re the boss
You give me hope,
You cause me loss.

I’m done with you,
I found the edge,
I want you gone,
Yet I can’t go over the ledge.

I need you here,
To hold me near,
Now I know,
Losing you is what I fear.