When you first looked at me like I was a rare gem, I saw your eyes glisten like the ocean when the Sun at sunrise hits it. I fell in love with you 30 seconds after you told me I was "beautiful"

2. The first time we kissed I swore to God it felt like a dream. All my nightmares left me and I was somewhere over the horizon with clouds on my mind and you in my veins. I tasted you for the next several weeks, I never kissed your lips again after that first time.

3. I thought that once you see someone naked you see them extensively and into their soul. When I touched your paled skin I felt like an astronaut and explored your skin like Armstrong on the moon. I've never witnessed something so beautiful and lovely. But you were the  moon who never fully showed her face. I realized I should've listened in astronomy class.

4.  You wrote pieces inside my rib cage and opened a new chapter inside me. Helping me realize I wasn't halfway near to where I needed to be.

5. I fell in love with the idea of you.

5. I fell in love with the idea of you.

5. I fell in love with you.

6. It took me over a month to come to the conclusion that I loved you.

7. I still love you.

8. I don't know where you are, or how you've been. You severed our way of communicating and I am so so lost without you.

9. Time has a way of putting things in order, but what do I do if the hands on the clock have developed arthritis and I am still forgetting memories. I am losing my memory. Sometimes I recall half of one, and pick up the ending of another, what does it mean?

10. I still love you.

10. I miss you.

10. I think I miss you more than I love you.

For the last few months I’ve been breaking down inside like the atoms in raindrops when they hit the concrete floor, involuntary suicide.

I don’t know why but you’ve been clouding up my mind and I feel the pressure build up inside my veins and I swear to god I can I smell you in the rain.

I feel like I miss the sunshine against my skin,
the warmth the rays left as they kissed me gently
now all I can feel is the wetness your lips
left behind as you kissed my chest,
my hands,
my cheeks.

A storms brewing ever so
and I’m afraid this will be to much for me too handle.

But I guess,
that’s why storms are named after people,
because they destroy you beautifully

Laying in bed wondering where I can find traces of what once was.
“It wasn’t supposed to end this way”
“You are one half of a memory whose other half was burnt away in a letter and washed away down the drain”
“what was your original configuration?”

1. (a) Static fills my red walls as you leave behind white noise with your lips slightly leaving the brim of my cheek. Ghost images of your body resurfacing in the darkness of loneliness. Sometimes I can hear your voice in the unsettling tick of my watch and you whisper violently that someone somewhere is disappointed in me.

2. Today’s secret ingredient is courage with a pinch of pride. My mother comes home from work and spends her evening cleaning the kitchen and pretending that her chest pains and cough with midst of blood are indicative of strong cleaning chemicals and not enough hydration.

2. (a) They keep telling me that I am to young to know what love is, that it’s foolish to be hopelessly romanticized. To live life one day at a time, if there were any other way to live. Or at least stumble across reasoning behind existing. Maybe there is a woman who lives one week at time, or perhaps by the way the hands of the clock move as seconds whisper into the numerical symbols idolized by towers and small wrist watches. Moments that can not be bothered by trivial remnants of day-to-day lessons. She is a big picture kind of gal who doesn’t wait patiently for stop signs to allow her to cross streets in the suburb jungle, She doesn’t avoid eye contact with people who look at her with bewildered eyes. Who drinks coffee in the morning with a strange french name and kisses with her eyes open.

2. (c) My little niece watched me through the window pane while I lied to my lover on the phone of why I couldn’t sleep in her bed anymore. My neighbors dog barked, tilted his head, and lied on the grass. When i hung up the phone and put my smoke out he runs back into the house as if the dark cloud over my head had broken off into a thunderstorm and drove him away.

How lost must I get in order for you to come Find me?

I don’t know why you continue to have the effect that you do on me.

I can’t explain the thoughts and emotions that run through my mind when I see you, because I don’t fully understand them myself. I don’t know what I need to do to move beyond all of this, and I’m sure that it’s not for lack of trying. The only thing that I do know is that I no longer see myself as the person who I once was, having lost the idealism and positivism that once constituted such strong elements of my character.


I loved you.
I don’t know how I can state it any more plainly. I loved you for everything I thought you were, and for everything that I became when I was with you. When we were together, I felt truly happy and complete in a way that I had never felt before. Being with you recontextualized everything that I thought I knew about love, and I came to understand that while I had felt love in the past, it was only a shadow of what real love could be. Now, I don’t honestly believe that I will ever find someone who I can feel that same love for, and with that realization, I can find very little motivation to experience the future at all. The two of us related on a level that went beyond simple emotion or base attraction. We made our connection on a truly spiritual level, which is something so rare as to be unique in our lives, and something that I believed was worth trying to hold onto. When I saw that, the casual relationships that had characterized my highschool experience far began to seem so purposeless and empty, insignificant in the face of something far greater.

Be that as it may, I recognize that I have to let it all go. There is no purpose served in my holding onto the hope that we might someday have that relationship that I once envisioned. Even if circumstances allowed us another chance, I know that the events of the past would color things to a degree where it could never truly work. To begin a relationship with a close friend, despite never breaking up with your previous boyfriend, is an act that goes beyond words. To compound it by calling it love after breaking my heart is simply despicable.

We both understood that tied inextricably to those feelings of love was a desire to share an intensely intimate part of yourself. We are willing to be emotionally open because we have the expectation and knowledge that in doing so, we can make that shared connection so much stronger and deeper. What you have done is to associate yourself forever with that aspect of love, to tarnish that that act of truth and candor with memories of dishonesty, pain and self-absorbed egotism. The end result is that I am now afraid of allowing myself to enter into a serious emotional relationship again because I fear that they will act in the same manner that you did.
We run a risk when we allow ourselves to love. We balance the possibility of pain against the chance for the development of something wonderful, and we weigh the options every time to determine if the gamble is worth the potential cost. I am no longer willing to run that gamble. I have become intimately familiar with what happens when we find ourselves on the wrong end of the odds, and I will not allow myself to be put through that again.

The impression that you made on me will remain with me for the rest of my life. You will always be the first person who I was able to say that I truly loved, and anyone who I allow into my life in the future will always be compared to you. As much as I hate that, I can accept that, and can even find some comfort in it, because it means that I may be able to understand love if I find it again. I can only hope that if I do, it will be with someone deserving of it.


I will be there for you in the future. But not as the friend I used to be. You made the decision to turn our relationship into something else, and that is a change that cannot easily be undone. You brought out emotions stronger than those associated with mere platonic friendship, and soiled them when you revealed those on your end to be only a malicious mockery. Because of that, I will be there in the future so that I can watch when he ceases to tolerate your *******, false intellectualism and contrived, hypocritical spirituality. I will be there when he is no longer willing to endure your self-absorption and utter obliviousness to others. I will be there when your relationship implodes, and I will be smiling to myself all the while, knowing that you once saw what could have been, and knowing that you made the decision to throw it all away. You were the one person who has ever had the power to truly hurt me, and the one person who ever took the opportunity to do so.

With hate unbounded,
Someone dumb enough to believe in love.