I avoided you all week long.
All week.
It was hard,but I did it.
I avoided you because I had to face the fact that in 9 months I had to live life without you in it.
Then today came.
I heard you laugh for the first time in a week.
And I just lost my ****.
I cried.
I cried because the days were going by so fast.
I cried because you make me so happy and unhappy at the same time.
I cried because I love you so much and you don't even give two *****.
I cried because I love you more than I love myself.
I cried for my love that is unable to scream out loud.
I cried because I knew that we were never meant to be and that was that.

They say you don't know what you have until it's gone.
But what about the people that do know?
The people that just have to sit there waiting and watching helplessly as the only thing that's keeping them from going insane is walking away from them.
Isn't it much worse for them?

I'm surrounded by these four walls,
My thoughts bouncing off of them;
Loud and clear.

I find comfort in these four walls,
Knowing that my cries for help never leave,
That when I wail at night no one can get to me.

I also feel trapped by these four walls,
They make me feel small,
The white colour blinding me when I come up for air each time.

But these four walls know me better than anyone else here,
They know the real me.
Because when I leave these four walls every morning,
I leave as a new me.

Am I really a poet,
If all I ever write about,
Is you?

Silence,
Can be both good and bad.

The good kind of silence,
Is the comfortable,
Calm silence,
Where nothing really matters,
As you float through your own world of happiness.

The bad kind of silence,
Is every woman's nightmare
Why nightmare you ask?
Well,when a woman is silent,
A billion things are flashing through her mind,
Doubts,Insecurities,but most of all.
hurt.

As they say,
*Silence is the most powerful scream

I am writing this letter to you up above,
To tell you how much I miss you,
I still don't know the reason why you had to leave,
It just wasn't fair.

I am now left with this sorrow,
Along with so many others who love you just as much as I do,
Oh how I wish to see you,
To touch your face,
To laugh with you and your jokes
One Last Time.

Everyday I hear you whisper in my thoughts,
I feel you around me,
I feel your presence every minute of the day,
But I know you live on,from those lives you have touched.

I know someday I'll see you again,
But for now,I'll keep you close to my heart,
Keep you safe

Until then..
Always remember that,
You were and still always be loved.

(01/01/2015)

She's not getting drunk for the hell of it,

She's getting drunk to numb the hell out of it.

Just a cut,
Just a scratch.
It wouldn't hurt,
It wouldn't last;

It would fade,
Fade into blue;
The colour of sadness,
The colour of you.

Cringy love poems and sleepless nights,
Spending every waking moment wishing you were by my side.

Being anonymous means no one knows you.
No one knows your flaws,
Your secrets,
Your mistakes.
You are basically invisible.
I'd like to be invisible for a day.
So no one can judge me,
Or mock me,
Or even mistreat me.
I'd like to be anonymous for a day.
Would you?

I'm gonna go back five years,
And color in all the moments I've had with you,
In every shade of the rainbow,
Make it feel like forever.

"Love is in the air"

That's probably why I'm suffocating.

Stay*,
I whispered,
As the door shut behind me.

I've finally figured you out;
Why you've been avoiding me,
Why you avoid my questions of worries,
Why I hardly ever see you around,
I finally get it;
I only have one question to ask:
Did you mean whatever you said to me?
All those gestures of kindness,
Did they mean anything to you?
My heart poured out to you,
Did you not appreciate it?
Was I not good enough?
Was she better somehow?
Because I now know,that I was not the only one you 'loved'.
And to think I ever loved you.

Hey there.
That's right,
I'm talking to you.
The one's that's staring into this screen.
I just wanted to say something to you.
Let's call its a little note of encouragement.
Okay,I'm just gonna go right into it.

Dear Reader,
If you managed to read up to this point,
I'm proud of you :)
And you should be so proud of yourself.
Because of who you are.
There's only one version of you out of the 7 billion people in this planet we call Earth.
You should be proud of who you are,
Because I am.

You are the smell in the air after a heavy downpour of rain,
The light seeping through my curtains at the crack of dawn.

You are the heavy taste of wine on a night out,
The aroma of lavender coming from one of my favourite flower shops.

You are the curves of the highlands and in the citrus taste of the sea,
The sound of waves crashing against the shore.

But then again,
I see you in the electricity of thunder,
The bitterness in coffee,
The ending of a good book,
The last note of my favourite song,

I see you in the last colours of the evening sky,
The calm before the storm.

You are every hour I'm spending watching the sun's final rays.

"We are nothing but bones, ****** souls with broken hearts wishing on dead stars for our loved ones to love us back.

There's no use in the remains of what once used to contain light, but is now a mess of stardust. Wishing on it will not make him love you, it will not sew you back together, it will only make you feel emptier inside.

Why confess to the sky that every night you wake up in tears because even in your dreams you miss him? The moon already knows and weeps for you my dear, but you must know that the stars can't heal you; only time can.

Missing him won't break you,
But waiting for him to love you might."

I thought I was over you,
Then I looked into your eyes,
And wasn't so sure anymore.

My days with you are numbered.
I do not sleep with slumber,
I still manage to fumble,
The world around me starts to crumble,
As I begin to mumble;
"My days with you are numbered".

The tears in my eyes start to form,
Every day with you feels like a thunderstorm;
Lightning flashing,
Thunder clapping.

My love,
No number of words can express,
The love I have for you at best,
I try hard not to fret,
But my darling,
My days with you are numbered.

I can turn you into poetry,
But I cannot make you love me.

When will I see you again?

These days,
I feel many feelings all at once,
It all just gets mixed up in the end,
And it leaves me in a tiny ball,
Curled up in the corner,
Bawling my eyes out.
And I hate myself for it.

I sometimes wonder when it'll end,
I wonder when all the mixed feelings will disappear,
I wonder when that day will come,
The day that the only feeling I'll be feeling is
*Happiness

The clock is ticking,
Bon Iver playing in the background,
Every note dragging her in deeper.

She's sitting on the sofa;
Shoulders hunched,
Tugging at the sleeves of her jumper,
Wine glass in one hand,
The other wiping away her tears as they fall.  

She wonders if she'll ever get over this;
This feeling of hopelessness ripping her to shreds,
She wonders if she'll ever make it out alive,
Without you by her side.

I can say I'm strong,
But that would be a lie.

I can say I don't cry,
When really,I weep over the slightest things.

I can say I give good advice,
But I don't even know what I don't know,

I can say that I'm happy,
When I die a little inside everyday.

I can't wait any longer,
Bring me back home
To where I really belong.

There are many reasons why I love you;
The way you slouch your back when you walk,
The way your dimple shows when you smile,
The way your nose crinckles when you laugh really hard,
The way your eyes shine whenever she's around.
These are the reasons why I love you,
The very reasons that are keeping me sane.
But I am holding onto you,
While you pull away.

No steps forward,
Ten steps back.
//my one-sided relationship with you has taken its toll on me//

Here I stand,
Watching you lean against the wall;
Your arms around her,
Holding her the way I pictured you holding me,

Here I stand,
Gazing at those beautiful eyes of yours,
And how they watch over her;
The way those eyes of yours were supposed to watch me.

And here I stand,
All alone,
Feeling my heart being ripped out of my dear soul.
For I am not as fortunate as the girl you call 'baby'

Does it hurt to know,
That you'll never get to hold him close?
Does it hurt to wonder,
If he ever loved you like a lover?
Does it hurt to realise,
That you've been feeding yourself with lies?
Does it hurt to understand,
Why he never really cared?

This world could show nothing to me,
So what good would living do me?

I'm drowning in the memories of you,
Memories that I will forever keep.

I'm drowning in the memories of you,
Oh, how they're making me weep.

I look at the days I have left with you,
There isn't much to go by,

I'm watching the hands of the clock in my living room,
I'm watching them go by.

A woman with her husband run through the theater doors,
taking their seats. 7:57 and the movie begins.
8.00 and her voice is louder than the rest,followed by a playful "hush" from her husband as the lights dim.
Music starts,and powerful speakers shake.
Laughter and gasps fill the room as she wonders is she'll remember this evening by the time it ends.

The childish couple race to their car and drive to the nearest diner;the same one they went on their first date.Burgers,milkshakes ans countless amount of fries and grams of saturated fat later,she wonders,
Do the calories count if I can't recall them?

The long ride home is smooth;windows down,November air pushes their hair back,and a soft buzz from the out-of-range radio hides in the background.Her husband squeezes her hand as he pulls into the drive of their ranch for two.Once the car stops,they walk to the door;smiles unable to escape their faces;those two faces that are so infatuated with each other,and had promised they would always be through sickness and in health.

But as they get ready for bed that night,she wonders why they didn't end up going to the movie theater that night.

I remember how my grandmother tried to explain our world to me;
She told me a story,
She said the ground and the sky;They love each other.
But they don't have arms
So rain,that's just how they hold one another.

Sometimes,
Its okay if the only thing you did today was breathe.

Isn't it strange,
How the people who keep you alive;
The people who make life worth living,
Are the very same people who will drive you to the edge?

//I used to think loving you was a distraction from the anxiety and the sadness,
But I guess loving you was the very source from where that sadness and anxiety came from.//

I wish you were,
Still just a human to me.

I don't want to look at you,
And see poetry.

You are there,
Never here,
Never near.

I am here,
Never there,
Never aware.

The both of us,
We're moving dots;
Always crossing paths,
But never actually meeting in the middle.

Most of the time I'm not usually bothered by the fact that my love for you will forever be unrequited. But on some nights,the thought of not being able to know what it feels like to hold your hand,to not know what your lips taste of,to never know how fast your heart beats when our eyes meet,to never know what it feels like to have my hand on your chest as we watch some corny movie, these thoughts keep me up at night. And it breaks my heart to bits.

Let's just say,
After I met you,
I like green eyes better than brown and blue ones.

We had our first conversation after 2 years today,
It wasn't anything special.
I don't remember what we were saying and how we ended up talking about The Breakfast Club,
But in those 10 minutes we shared,
I remembered exactly why I fell hopelessly in love with you;
I remembered what it felt like to get lost in your green eyes.
I remembered what it felt like to have my cheeks warm up at the sound of your laugh,
I remembered what it felt like to feel light-headed when you laughed at one of my jokes.
Even though tomorrow we'll go back to being complete strangers,
I'll know that choosing to wake up today was worth it.
So thank you,
Thank you for making today worth living.

I now understand why people find it so hard,
To witness death.
It could be the death of your favorite celebrity,
Your favorite comedian,
Or even the death of a family member.
The aftermath is all the same.
It's as if a part of you is missing,
Gone forever
*Never coming back.

Saying goodbye kills the hope of meeting again.
And who knows?
We might meet again.

It's been a month.
I step outside where the breeze hits my face like a splash of cold water.
I look to the ground,the soil still a little damp from the rainfall the night before.
I start to walk around.
Nearby I see a lake.
I ignore the feeling of my heart pounding and walk closer to it.  
The water looks inviting.
I stare at my reflection in the water;my eyes look tired.
I tear my gaze away and stare at the sky.
I close my eyes,breathing in the air and living in the moment.
I step into the lake,the water getting soaked into the shoes that mom got me last week for my birthday.
I keep walking further into the lake and stop at a halt,the water already up to my chest.
I turn around and watch as my mom gives my dad a kiss on the cheek upon his arrival from work.
A little smile finds its way onto my face as I let myself fall into the lake,erasing my existence from the world,hoping to find myself in the darkness.

There is one thing that I've learned about so far in life.
It's to never sacrifice your happiness,
For the one you love.
Because in the end,
*It's just not ******* worth it.

Your eyes were too innocent,
For me to see,
That you were planning on
Bringing me to my breaking point,
I wasn't prepared for your little show,
Deafened by your smile,

For back then,
I couldn't see the hell in your hello.

Trees of auburn and gold,
Where time is irrelevant and love is bold,
Waves gently stroke the shore,
You are mine and I am yours.

Hues of red and pink flood the sky,
Buildings are covered with neon signs,
Dozens of petals decorate the floor,
Suddenly you’re not that far away anymore.

Sunlight dances off the leaves;
Glistening and sparkling in all shades of green,
I wonder if you still feel the same way after,
I look into your eyes and I’ve found my answer.

The pitter-patter of rain against the window,
I turn and I see you drooling on your pillow,
I let out a chuckle and gaze at you in awe,
For you are mine and I am yours.

She is fragile,
Dont let her hold on too tight,
For she will cling onto you with all her might,
She'll care for you and love you until she breaks,
She is fragile;
Don't let her break.

Today I looked up at the sky,
I saw the twinkling stars all lit up.

I looked over to my right,
And I saw a particularly bright star,
And I thought of you.

Because you,
Are my star.
You are my light,
You were and still are,
My *everything

What's more deadly,
A gun or a thought?

Because a gun gives you the opportunity,
But a thought pulls the trigger.

"My heart still looks for you even though my eyes have given up."