You fool,
How dare you trust Fate,
She's not that kind.

Here I am,
Typing away on my computer screen,
The scent of vanilla filling the room.
Even though a million thoughts are running through my head,
There's one that stands out.
*It's you

Wouldn't it be neat,
If i died in my sleep.
//thoughts//

I love to dance,
I love to blast songs into the room as I dance,
Because when I dance,
I dance with emotion.
Whether it's anger,sadness,happiness,jealousy,fear
Whatever that comes my way,
I know that it will always go away,
With every step or jump I make.

This constant battle of tug-of-war with the universe has taught me to be cognisant,
Of how fragile I am between the few good moments,
Moments where I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be suffocated by these four walls,
The same four walls that have seen and heard every one of my downfalls.

Its funny how one word can pull the trigger to a lifetime of memories,
I’ve spent so much time isolating them but they come up just as easy,
The days I spent sitting on the cold, bathroom floor with slits on my wrist,
Never expecting to wake up the next morning or live through another night like this.

Each morning is a guessing game of which body part I hate the most;
Will my thighs, my arms or hairy legs be looked at and called “gross”?
The razor sitting in my top drawer rattles and calls out my name,
Will today be the day I carve out hateful messages and sit out in pain?

I try to block out the thoughts that are circling in my mind;
Pointing their daggers at my back and slowly killing me from the inside,
My heart feels heavy as I put on a smile and thank god that I’m alive,
We both know that i’m lying but at least I can convince myself, even if it's just for a while.

It's been a week since I've seen you and it's making me want to strangle myself not knowing how you're doing.

"New Year","New Page","New Story","New Beginnings",They'd say
Huh,I wish I'd think.

It's funny how one can save millions,
But millions can't save one.

What made me fall for you?
Was it your eyes?
Your incredible sense of humor?
Your freckles?
Your dimples?
Your **** eyebrows?
The way your hair falls into your face when you shake your head?
The way your nose crinkles when you laugh?
The way you make me unknowingly blush without even doing anything?
Tell me.
Because I'd really like to know.

In this space its just you and I,
Among the fields of green and blue,
The sun is setting and the wind is brisk,
My body feels light as I close my eyes.

The sun feels nice on my skin,
Its soft rays make me feel warm and tingly,
Kiss my tears away and say that you love me,
Tell me you'll stay and will never leave me.

Can we stay like this for a little while longer?
Im not ready to let go of you just yet,
Hold me close and sing me a lullaby,
Put me to sleep one last time.

People ask me,
"Why do you write?" or
"What inspires you to write?"
My answer is fairly simple.
I say, "Myself".
I don't mean it in a bragging way,but in more of a selfless way.
I write about what I am not,what I wish to be,
I write about what I wish to say to the world,andwhat I wish to scream out loud.
My words paint a pretty picture.
Where I can play a part I've created,a perfect soul.

"I think I'm falling in love with him,and I'm so afraid that it's going to destroy me."
"It wouldn't be love if it didn't."

Never say goodbye.
Who knows,we may meet again someday.

There once was a girl,
Who was young and free,
Never cared about what she looked like,
Never cared about what people thought of her,
Never really gave a **** about anything.

But that was in the past.

Now, everything seems to be important to her,
Critiques,looks,feelings,
She cares about it all.
That girl before was long gone,
Away with the rest of them.

That girl is *me

Oh how fragile we are,
Between the few good moments.

Where were you,
When I needed someone to cheer me up?

Where were you,
When I needed someone by my side?

Where were you,
When I needed a shoulder to cry on?

Where were you,
When I felt like the world was crashing right in front of me?

Tell me,
Where the hell were you,
When I needed you the most?

I am yours.
You aren't mine.
At times,
Being away from you,
Is how I keep you
By my side.

What are you up to these days?
I hope you finally got your head out of the maze,
I wonder if you’ve patched things up with your parents,
You know they only want what’s best for you, nothing less.

I noticed that you’ve finally fixed your sleep schedule,
I hope college hasn’t been too much of a hassle,
I’m glad that you’re able to occupy your mind,
It’s better than having to deal with your demons most of the time.

I wonder if you think about me while you lie awake at night,
Once the sky’s finally lost it’s light,
Do you think about all the things we left behind,
Or am I the last thing that’s on your mind?

Do you catch yourself reaching out to talk to me,
Only for pride to step in and seize the opportunity?
Are you waiting for me to step in and be friendly,
Or have you already cast me out as another one of your nobody’s?

I was naive enough to believe that we’d be the exception,
The ones to beat the odds put up against them,
Instead I’ve realised that I was merely a stop in your journey,
A lesson to learn along the way when you got lonely.

You held my hand in the dark,
I gave you a thousand reasons to not let me go,
It was my fault for basing my love on pure affection,
I thought I was giving your life direction.

Negative opinions on us would scare me sometimes,
But the future I saw in your eyes told me otherwise,
Now I spend every second of each day all alone,
Wondering if I’ll ever hear you stop by to say ’Hello’.

After everything that has gone down,
I’d understand if you couldn’t face me now,
I wouldn’t hesitate to walk away if you asked me to,
Even if it meant that I’d be losing the one good thing that I once knew.

If you ever feel lonely,
Just look at the moon,
Because someone,
Somewhere,
Is looking at the exact moon as you are.

You Are Never Alone,My Friend
*And you will never be alone

I'm sorry,
For ruining our happy days,
I'm sorry,
For making the only thing I ever loved be hurt.

I'm sorry,
For all the wrongs I've wronged,
I'm sorry,
For all those mistakes in the past.

For everything I've done,
I'm just
Truly,
Madly,
Deeply,
*Sorry

I hate being judged.
Just the feeling of it makes me anxious.
I can't stand in big crowds without feeling suffocated,
I constantly have to lie whenever I'm asked to go out because I don't like the feeling of people staring at me when im walking down the streets,
I hate talking to strangers.
Its not that I don't like people,I just constantly have this small voice in my head saying that people will judge me.
It burns me.
It burns and it hurts.
It hurts that I'm unable to do things that I love.
It hurts that I get to see people enjoying their life while I'm sitting at home trying to deal with yet another panic attack,
It hurts that I can't turn to anybody who will understand what I'm feeling.
I want it to go away.
I don't want to deal with anxiety anymore.
I just want to love myself.
I want to look at myself in the mirror and be able to reassure myself,
To tell myself,
That everything is going to be okay.

I feel you,
In my bones,

All 206 of 'em.

It's funny how people can change overnight,
But it takes what seems like forever to change them back.

When I saw you I fell in love,

And you smiled because you knew.

If loving you was wrong,  

Then I sure as hell don't want to be *right

if i am to die before i reach you,
please know that my arms are weeping as they will never be able to hold you in them on a warm night.

if i am to die before i get to hold your hand in mine,
know that your voice is the only thing calming me down as i transcend to the light.
our conversations will be carved into my veins and your sweet words will be replayed in my mind.

if i am to die before my eyes meet yours,
please know that i am forever indebted to you for bringing me out of the dark,
before i met you i didn't think I'd ever get to feel happiness again; the feeling felt so distant,
but now my smile reaches my eyes and i light up every time i see you.

if i am to die before i get to kiss you,
know that I've imagined us meeting over a thousand times,
the warm feeling that spreads through my chest never gets old.

if i am to die before i reach you,
know that i would've gone to the ends of the Earth for you,
i am eternally grateful that you made me feel so special,
and you deserve so much more than you think you do.

you are the sun,
you brightened up my life and turned my dark days into ones that felt like spring.
you made flowers grow in my chest and made me want to be a better person.
i can only hope that i had some effect over your life as well.

if i am to die before i can hold you close to my chest,
please know that your life was the best part of mine.