it would have been quite the morbid sight
if someone watched me last night
sobbing and pulling at my skin
saying and praying
''is this a dream''
over and over
counting my fingers
over and over

for the last two weeks
i have been noticing a strange distance in my eyes
ever since i started waking up
from a sequence of dreams
involving you, me, a beach


and the unfamiliar absence of sound
hissing like a dog whistle

in a dream i was told to keep talking to you because you will disappear if i stop

people's touch always burns and hugs are so ******* short-lived. i hate them. what is the point if u are not going to hold me for the whole night while i stain every shirt and *****. no point. hugs are just another form of abandonment. understanding can be found on the inside - i will say to myself and others. but inside there is only the stale air of tonight, an image of a teenager kicking an ill kitten, me as a child and people's quiet, strong contempt towards me. i feel lied to. and the beach of tomorrow is my last sanctuary

you are so strange to be around
and so strange to talk to
but i really feel like missing you tonight

why does it all feel so pointless yet when i try to end it somehow i always end up looking into my cat's eyes.

im so sorry i couldn't keep my promise
and i never took you to see space
a broken lever came out of me
spilled all of my secrets on the grass
in front of your house
im glad you closed your windows this time
i know how scary my screams are
and i know
i am never going to see you
so i close my eyes and think of you
oh what a pathetic thing of me to do
for old times sake i promise
ill stay and we'll talk till morning
but after that im leaving
i am leaving u for good
with this sad trail of blood behind me

it never felt like the end
it feels unfinished don't you think?
you could have been my best friend

i always thought you would talk to me again
it feels wrong
all of this

and yet
every time you ignore me
i ******* love it


and it ******* excites me

making you want to stay and keep talking to me has me chewing on my tongue, filling my mouth with blood.
that is what you taste like, this is what fear tastes like.
i need you to stay.
ask me for my name goddamit.
ask me for something, anything i beg you.
there is so much blood inside my mouth





im scared you are going to see it soon.

my stranger
you know i barely think about you i really don't
you close a book and that is it
until you forget the story
i guess watching your favorite film yesterday was not a good idea
because i had a dream about you
it ended like an hour ago but it feels longer
we were in a weird motel
it looked almost put there just for us
and we talked
super weird how i feel like we talked
maybe we did talk
the dream realm is no joke
dude **** we have literally never talked lol
i don't even remember your voice
can i pretend that you are mute?
or is that rude of me to say?
because you were definitely not mute haha
and i promise i really do not have feelings for you
when people say that they usually lie
i'm not one of them right now
no reason to lie to myself
at times it feels like i don't have feelings period
i think it's a trauma response
or
i like to pretend
its so much more fun
that the vacuum cleaner i hear every night takes and ***** them out of me
funny right?
ugh yeah why do you care
it's just frustrating how much i wish you knew
about the stares, the playlists, the longing, the dreams
and i really wish i saved your bike
what does one person do with that information
they become numb and they lose it
i can't hold information don't you know
being numb has to be the worst
like you are almost home? and then you find out your hands have frozen and you drop the keys
and u just stand there lolol
no more home
so i wish someone else could take it instead
keep it for me
it spills and it growls. and it needs cleaning
and some love
but not too much or i remember
how i make strangers
i really tried to clean my hands
the mud isn't getting out
the one i buried you with
or is it guilt?
my stranger
truly out of all the strangers i have loved
you were the one i had a dream about
your favorite film has an amazing soundtrack btw

"so what if u catch me where would we land?"

I

my friend
how has fear consumed my lungs
how i dare not open mouth
for i choke years worth of screams
how a body
became so moldable
so willing to feel hands
it just stopped
being
i was created on saturn's ring
my body constricted
my mind an obsession
breathing
living
meat
quickly rising
quickly falling

II

friend dare i say i miss you quite a bit
even though you called me a freak quite a lot
words that are like fists
become set in stone
your mind a raging ocean
and me a human
barely with my head above it.

III

i was once travelling
and on the bus a man was sleeping
and i started looking at man
and oh friend i was fascinated
how when he woke up
he rubbed his eyes
he drank some water
and i started crying
because how human of him
to be thirsty
and to rub the sleep of
and to sleep
i envied him
i wish i could sleep
for quite a while
maybe even forever
maybe... maybe i shoul..
wait where is it
i can't find my body
maybe i left it on that bus
or maybe it's in his house
or maybe it's still in school
maybe even with you friend
i shouldn't be so calm
i shouldn't panic
i hear your smile
''you truly don't care about anything''
where is my body
whereismybodywhereismybodywhereismybodywhereismybody
i hear your smile
''that's what happens when you design things too much''
friend please
stop
help me find it
find me

IV

i saw you in a dream
and you laughed like you were manic
and  naturally i laughed along
i noticed
you had fists for hands
knuckles white squeezing
i couldn't breathe suddenly
laughing turned to sobbing
your hands were red
blood so much blood
covering you
a hole in my shirt
my favorite shirt
heart was gone
you were gone too
screaming didn't help
waking up is not an option
i mean my heart i have to
i need to find it
what are they gonna say when they see the hole
so i run and i run and i see you
in different cheekbones
or brows
mostly eyes and noses
but it is never you
kidnappers are hard to find after the initial hours
and how long was it since i last felt a heartbeat
hours?
has it been months?
or even..years
i'm losing hope
there are still parts to be found
my body
my sick breathing clay
my body
i think it's finally time to

WAKE UP

V

let me look for you one last time.

they scream in guilt

i respond in silence

they hear rage

i hear red compulsions

they leave

my skin is now crying

all i wanted was a hug

you *******

in order of me to finally leave, i need to fall out of love with the world, my love is nostalgic and it cuts skin, i threw it away for peace, it was disturbing my routine, i hate how much i need, it how much i can't leave it, but feeling like i need to, because days are death in this place, but death has always been lovely, it's sickening to be alive and bored, i prefer fear, i prefer school days the endless loop of friendly abuse, of looking in their eyes and them never looking at me, it was familiar and unpredictable, ******* fun, why is chaos fun, why, why, oh god, i want it all around me, i want it inside me, shaky hands, no breath left from crying, cutting my skin with hairdresser scissors, laughing like a maniac in the middle of the night, drinking until i pass out, i smell *****, it goes everywhere, coming to get me, voices are coming to get me, with their words, how healthy and happy i need to be, and to that i spit  in your face and cry about it later, because you are right, but i am not right, the world isn't for me, so i need to stop loving it and just go.

nightmares every night
all of the guilt and shame of the people everywhere
comes inside me
it forces itself in
im paralyzed to my bed
and i just sit there
inviting it
coming inside
it is so heavy i barely manage to breathe
it makes me huge
fat ballon pushing my insides out
my eyes the eyes of a frog
big enough to LOOK AND SEE
and feel
and dream
your dreams
your pain
"not anymore'' i say to you
" its yours take it
care for it
i need to let go
and to leave... "
so i wake up.






but it continues
manic laughter and tears
every night its the same
in the day i forget
in the night im afraid
in the dreams i remember
ignorance is bliss
so i wake up.




and it starts over

today i washed the dishes
but now im sad
i finished a painting
but now im still sad
i took a shower
while i was sad
i went for a walk
walking sadly
i lay in my bed
looking sad
i guess no matter what i do
im going to be sad

may i ask
who gave you the right
to have such power
to ruin my body
to wear my skin
******* freak
stop stuffing my face
you ******* freak
recently its all been blurred
like did you put something in my drink
while i was pretending looking away
i feel so distanced
life feels so unreal
i look in the mirror
i see you impostor
blurred vision making it almost seem like
this is me
a ******* freak

fear feeds me
and tragedy makes me laugh
in fact sometimes i laugh so hard
they hear me
and my laughter stops

i dont remember gifting you a knife
you sure do use it often

digging fingernails in my skin to feel
warmth of blood,passionate and red
the music is loud but my heartbeat is low
ringing sounds in my head, party noises
i'm desperate for a muffled one instead
i travel with a mind lift
lift down in the room the horror dreams prepare you for
at level zero where breathing is a difficult skill
air doesn't exist and minds collapse
i feel the lack, i hear the choking the static, i smell the blood and the illness
clenching my eyes they turn backwards inside my skull
seeing the names of those who destroyed the home i built
always smiling politely they welcome me
as a guest in my own place
''hello there predator
is this basement warm enough for you
are these chains secure enough for you? ''
shaking vigorously no nonono
death is upon me
cursed cursed cursed for eternity
listening to laughter,talking to thoughts imagined
in this basement never to be found

what would happen if a lock you inside my blood swimming alone
soft and wet just like a dream i had on a day that had 7 seconds left in it
where my lungs were dry and my eyes wandered
searching for a way to save the gunshot wound you made
didnt have very good luck
finding you then
my love oh my love is afraid
afraid i will leave you
buy a car just to **** myself
or bite parts of your heart
i may not know how to live
but i know how dying works
which street to find it on
which door to knock on
come in

maybe i have died
and that is why he is not responding anymore

i cry and smell my childhood
through my stuffy nose
and i wish i was a little child again
late at night where i can scream
and feel mother's arms around me
and then she will bring me cherry juice
but instead of cherry juice i see and taste blood
instead of warm arms i feel my own clawing at my skin
and i feel as old as 90
with only hatred surrounding me
mom doesnt hold me anymore
because im grown
go hug yourself
and go take your skin off while doing so
and rest

sometimes i wish i left my nails long
because in moments like this
i really want to scratch and shape them
on my skin
until they get red
a pretty vibrant color

i live in this store
where everything is 99 cents
people every day come around and look
they touch they call to ask is it okay to buy this
im nice to them i give it all away just for that price
but then at least once a year
they see        ((    it    ))        in the corner with the blue walls
no matter how much i hide it
it is for special clients
but no
they all start screaming angrily
''why is it 1 dollar this is a 99 cents store?''
and they all want it they always touch it
without permission
slowly or roughly
and then with eyes wide open they run
and never buy it
my skin hanging everywhere
and a ****** pig heart
just for all of you
to see

whats cooking good lookin i ask
they smile a big smile and i see shark teeth
i look down and see a hole in my chest
i run as they chase me and jump out of the window
when i wake up it starts all over

i hate drinking
i say and keep repeating it
and keep meaning it
because i hate it
im not in the wrong here
its just the timing
that unholy hour and the weather
my heart with the holes
home for the worms
that made it their place
safe space
sometimes you just gotta drink
because if you don't the worms will come out
and you will feel a terrible itch
your mouth will slowly drop at the corners
and without realizing
fire thoughts will start shooting
and will **** your mom

i pull my veins by compulsion
one by one
and my audience for some reason loves to watch that
they dont care if it gets messy
red dripping blood on their clothing
it smells too
it has a taste too
but they have no tongues to taste
they have no eyes to see
no hearts to feel
nothing
they are not even human
right now im with them
in the blank space
the large unknown place
have you seen such a shade of black
black has no shades
or maybe it does
this is definately a dark dark black
i cannot see but no get it
I DO see them i DO feel them i know they are here with me
they are my parents my friends my lovers my people
but they hate me they hate my heart they hate my soul they hate my mind they HATE ME
but they sure as hell love my acting
especially when it bleeds
and when it leaves me just as empty as the fridge of an emotional eater.

my soul feels like its strapped to a chair
in front of blinding lights and an audience
laughing so loudly so piercing like static it is
trying to escape just makes them laugh harder
and i'm crying harder pleading for mercy for freedom
but the only thing that comes out of my mouth
is the language they never learned to understand
and until they learn
i am bound to be here
in front of everyone
begging for just a tiny bit of comfort
begging for a touch
just begging
and crying
i'm sorry.

on tuesday night i found myself in a fetal position on a bench
my shoes were covered in *****,head spinning a few bottles next to me.
i get up and i feel water in my mouth i think im crying but everything is so fast so fast and the air is not enough it never is.
opening my mouth no sound comes i guess i was trying to scream but then i realize i can scream only in my dreams where everyone listens but they always **** me afterwards.
where am i who and what am i doing here
i wish i could talk to God
i wish i wasn't so cold
i wish i loved more
i wish for you to find me
God said im an idiot
i hear him laughing
really rude
hahaha
its all gonna be gone in the end and we'll finally be okay.
just close your eyes and i'll be gone
5 minutes

if i want to have you and this moment forever
i have to either lose you
or **** us both

a romance that we raised in the summer can only last so long
for when the leaves start falling
we fall too.

i need my body back
but at the same time
i want each and every one of you
TO TEAR every bit of it apart
be especially cruel to the heart
pluck that thing straight from the chest
''the''
because its not mine
this body isn't mine
and i wish to disappear
i wish i was a speck of dust
i want to see spilled blood
broken teeth, torn ears and limbs
i just need you to help me
please help me

me rapidly putting clothes on, crazily rushing towards my Heaven
is like a foolish mathematical equation
almost surely means being late, i'm being awfully late, i wont see you
i start running, two flying limbs, praying to the universe to please set the time right, set it good, maybe a few seconds behind
but then it all stops .. no more racing thoughts, just a slight tremble of lips
''oh'' - the most beautiful sound my mouth has ever created
i catch a glimpse of brown hair and a red jacket
and i finally
understand it all.
it was all made for you and me
those silly clocks.

i need to sleep so i can disappear quicker
tick tock tick tock my mind is going to explode
i cant sleep
i cant sleep
i feel my teeth rotting in my mouth
my ****** mouth
i cant sleep
the world is so beautiful
the trees but i cant do it alone
do you understand i cant alone
i love you