I feel so lost anymore
I don't want to feel this way
I sit here and cry for hours
And I never feel okay
I wish things were easier
And I didn't have this feeling of wanting to die
Would people even cry?
Would they'd even care if I wasn't here anymore? Or would their day just keep on going?
Ththey would probably be happy that they wouldn't have to deal with my breakdowns anymore
Or constantly checking on me because my lif is a mess and I want to hurt myself    
If I were them I'd be happy, less stress and worries.
No one cares about the girl that is broken.
I know I don't.

I'm tired of giving my all in a relationship
I'm tired of being the one who cares more
I'm tired of always being the one who ends up hurt in the end
I'm tired of laying in my bed crying myself to sleep because "I'm not good enough"
I'm so ******* tired of falling for the wrong people
So tired of thinking that they care about me
So tired of thinking that they actually want me
Tired of believing all the lies they fill my head with
I'm so tired
I'm tired of feeling this way
Tired of not being good enough
Tired of being lied to
Tired of feeling like a *******
Tired of not feeling pretty enough
I'm just tired.

You fill your body until you can't anymore
You take one look in the mirror and you know what you have to do
You jump in the shower and turn on some music to deaden the sound of your sickness
You put your fingers down your throat and watch the evidence of your sickness go down the drain
You know you shouldn't be doing this, but you can't stop yourself from doing it
You feel so much better afterwards, so you keep the cycle going
You crawl into bed after you finish your shower
You close your eyes and try to go to sleep
You drift off for awhile until it is time to get rid of your sickness again
You tell yourself this time is the last time, even though you know that is a lie
You know you can't stop
You are sick, and you have to get rid of your sickness
You need help, but you can't tell anyone about your sickness or they will judge you
Your sickness has consumed your life now
You can't stop the sickness

All the things you said to me were a lie
You ****** around on me the whole time
You made me believe you cared
But all you did was play me
You told me you loved me
But all you did was lay me
You never really gave a **** about me
You told me I had nothing to worry about
You said I meant everything to you and that there was no one else
That's funny
Six months later and you were ******* someone else
You said it didn't mean anything
You thought I would never find out
You told me I was the one
You told me you wanted a future with me
You said you couldn't picture a life with anyone else
*******
******* and your stupid *** lies
******* and all the ******* you put me through
*******
You said you wanted to marry me
But look at you already engaged to the ***** you were ******* while you were with me
******* for making me believe that you cared about me
******* for making me think I was important
******* for making me think that I was something special for once
You made me feel so safe and secure
But now all I can say is you're a ******* and I ******* despise you
Don't tell me you love me and then **** me over
Don't waste my time with your ******* lies
*******
I hope you're happy
Enjoy your ****** up marriage
Enjoy the lies
*******, ****.

Finding you was the best thing that ever happened to me
You have showed me what it is like to have someone that actually cares about me
You guide me and encourage me to keep going and to succeed
Finding you was like finding a needle in a haystack
I don't know how to explain the way I feel about you
It is like something that I have never felt before
I can't stop smiling when I'm around you
You make me feel so comfortable when I'm around you
It's like I don't even have to try around you
I can be myself around you 100% and I have never felt that before
You make me laugh and smile
You make me happy and forget about my anxiety for a little bit
You talk me out of all my problems and tell me to take things day by day
You are there for me when I'm struggling and need someone to vent to
Finding you has changed my life for the best
Finding you has bettered me
I don't know what I would do without you in my life
Yes, things are complicated right now
But, everything comes so much easier when you are there
You make me see the good in myself
You keep me focused on my education
Finding you has kept me determined to get my teaching degree
I can't wait to graduate college and see you sitting there in the audience watching me walk across stage accepting my diploma
Finding you has made me who I am

When you were younger everyone asked you what you wanted to be when you grow up.
For most kids their answers were "Doctors, Astronauts, Firefighters, etc." things that the people asking knew they would never become.
But they just let them live the dream for awhile.
Then later on in life they get asked the same question once they were older.
The responses then were "I don't know." "How am I supposed to know?"
How do they except a reasonable answer when we aren't being taught the things we need to know in order for us to make decisions that could affect us for the rest of our lives?
In order for us to grow up we need to find our own paths and go down our own journey's.
We have to make mistakes and learn from them.
That is what growing up means.
Taking chances, making memories, and going after the things you believe in.

I feel so sick
I don't know what to do anymore
I never feel good about myself anymore
I feel like I look like a ****** twenty-four seven
I feel like I never look good
Even when someone tells me I'm pretty, I never believe it
I feel so ugly
I feel so fat
I feel like I can't ever do anything right
I've tried to push my disorder down and hide it
But I can't do that anymore
I eat till I feel sick
When I feel sick I let that feeling go away in the toilet or shower
I throw up until there is nothing left inside me
I still feel sick after that
I feel like my parents will find out
I don't look sick but I feel sick
I don't want to feel sick anymore
I need help
But I can't ask for help
Then my parents and family will find out that something is wrong with me
Why do I have to be sick?

I gave myself to you for the very first time
It was something that I have always imagined that would happen
I always dreamed of you being my first
And I was able to make that dream come true
The way you made me feel was like no other feeling I have ever felt before
You made sure I was okay
You held me in your arms and kissed my forehead
You called me baby
There are not enough words to describe the way that night made me feel
I am so happy that I got to experience it with you
You are the only person I want to give myself to
You are the only person that I honestly care about
You were and are still the only person that I have ever really loved
We were together when we were younger
And now we are older and we still have something going
You are the only thing that is important to me
I have no idea what I would do if I ever lost you
I gave myself to you because I love you and it felt right
You made me feel comfortable in my own body
And I didn't feel like I needed to cover up my flaws
I felt as though I was the most beautiful thing that you have ever seen
I loved the way you looked at me while I gave myself to you
I loved the way you held me in your arms and started to fall asleep
I will never forget that night
It was the best night of my life and I will never regret it
I gave myself to you because I trust you and I love you with everything that I have in me

Most people believe that suicide is the best option because they can't take the constant Hell that they are put through on a daily basis.
Many people think about how they are going to do it, and the steps they are going to take in ending their lives.
People think about how no one will care if they leave and never come back, because it's just one less burden on their back.
They don't have to worry about that person going into relapse or overdosing.
They don't have to spend hours in a waiting room waiting for the doctor to stitch up the cuts that were left on the wrists of someone that took it too far.
They don't have to worry about if their child will make it through school and get good grades, because if they don't get good grades then they will be a loser.
It's bad enough people know that they have mental breakdowns, for ***** sake, we can't have a child that is a loser, and will work at McDonald's for the  rest of their lives, because they won't amount to anything else.
In this world that we live in, there is a constant pressure on being this "perfect" person, but that is impossible.
We tell society that if they are not a size zero and look like the ******* the cover of a Victoria's Secret magazine, then she is not beautiful.
To me, that is so ****** up.
How do you expect someone to look like that? How can you say that that is the best message to portray to younger girls who actually look at that and think that they have to look like that?
That is ****** up.
That is why people resort to suicide, because they cannot take all the pressure that the media, and society throws at us.
They can't handle the constant pressure of living up to their parents standards and making sure that they are this "perfect" child.
No one is perfect and I wish that people would realize that, because they will never be this "perfect" person.
Everyone is different in their own way.
And we can't expect people to be "perfect" when no one is the same.
Don't resort to suicide because that is the easy solution, because you won't be in this ****** up society.
Be strong, be unique, **** what everyone else thinks, because you are perfect in your own way.

Life is a big ***** up. People tell you that you're going to go somewhere in life, but you don't.
You can't escape the box that's, that's trapping you inside because you there's no escaping. You know you're trapped for life.
You know when people say to you "everything is going to be okay" well, you have just been told a lie. Because you know when you're put inside that box, you're not escaping.
There's no way out of being trapped. You're stuck there for the rest of your life. You're afraid to sleep, you know that if close your eyes, the flashback starts.
When they send you food, you hurry up and eat it, you eat it so fast before they change their minds.
Then finally, you hear the car start up, and turn out of the driveway.
You're all done, no one is there to tell you what to do, you fall asleep, but only for a second, then you wake up.
You finally realized that you are free, you are no longer trapped.

I feel boxed in...
With nowhere to turn.
I can't go another night...
Being in here.
No food. No water. No soul...
Just a Box.
No light. No one. No soul...
Just a Box.

Once you take the first cut - you get a fast rush.
It's like you've never lived before.
It makes your mind soar.
It makes you feel so incredible, to get that feeling that you have never felt before.
The kind of feeling that you can't describe.
It makes you feel good the first time - so you go deeper.
And the feeling gets 10 times sweeter - you take another cut.
But, this one doesn't feel as good - your mood changes.
Then you notice that you're bleeding.
You don't know what to do.
You've never been this far in the process - your mind states to digress.
Now you start feeling all the stress - building up in your chest.
You're afraid, scared.
There are so many emotions that you feel.
You start to get emotional.
You see the blood dripping - you feel the blade slipping - you feel your mind drifting.
You feel that you are going to get caught.
It was never as you thought.
You take another swipe across your wrist - feeling the blade touching your skin.
You slide it across - deeper than before.
You want to feel the pain - all over again.
It feels so good.
It changes your mood.
Just one more cut you tell yourself.
But you know you'll take more than just one more cut.
You can't stop - you cut.
Deeper - harder - farther - you bleed more.
You have more pain.
You know that you will cut again.
The cycle is never ending - nothing is going to change.
The blade will meet your wrist once again.