This pencil
This paper
Looks just like coke and razors

I write so much I can't feel your kiss
I'm not attached to humanity
Except through this bleeding heart
That I'm slowly whittling away
It's taking shape of something so ******* beautiful

But you always say I'm killing myself
That I'm in denial
Crocodile tears and a plastic smile
For a while you fool yourself into thinking you're right
For a while you fall for your own *******

This apathy
These scars
Tattoos of times I've been torn apart

I ache for human touch
But every nerve has been severed
I close myself inside
Your ****** up mind
And watch your memories in silence
What we made is so decayed and rotten
We denied life to what we'd forgotten
I can't look at my reflection without slitting its throat
I remember what you told me and I quote:

But you always say I'm killing myself
That I'm in denial
Crocodile tears and a plastic smile
For a while you fool yourself into thinking you're right
For a while you fall for your own *******

This love
Those emotions
Can't find which hole in my heart they go in

I balance my life on the edge of a blade,
I get cut and nicked
No matter which turn I take
I'm teetering, watching myself bleed
It leads me to believe that smile was always fake
There was no right time to deny the lies I regretted
Self destruction was the first defense I hated
As I see all these lines blurred in my head
Thinking back to what you said...

But you always say I'm killing myself
That I'm in denial
Crocodile tears and a plastic smile
For a while you fool yourself into thinking you're right
For a while you fall for your own *******

I know no one's perfect
But is it really worth it
Just for a picture in your wallet?
Plastered on happy faces
Don't even know what day it is
Was there even a good reason for it?
You deny the lies behind the walls
While truths fall on center stage
Got the applause, but this ain't a game
And when the lights fade
You'll be regretting every decision you ever made
Life ain't just a picture or a keepsake
It's standing right in front of you
And you gotta live with every choice you make

This shattered house
  I've found myself surrounded by
Breaks a little more each day
   The walls I've built and plastered
Are peeling away layers of guilt
    Hanging mirrors with shadows of reflections
    Ghosts of ink spilt
This floor, these bricks, the cement out the doorstep
     Pavement falling apart from where so many shoes have walked
   Decorated with outlines of broken hearts in chalk
      If these walls could talk
They'd tell stories of rage and pain,
   Of the misery born into its foundation
           Day after day
If these cupboards could hold as many secrets as those walls have heard
    Of the lies they've tried to hide away inside, they would burst
      If you could save the tear drops that have fallen under this crumbling roof top
    Then you could drown this dilapidated house
       Bury it alive with no doubt that the years of emotion and agony it's kept hidden inside
  Will easily and willingly have peace when it dies
       The color of the paint would simply be forgotten before the end of the day
     The torn and rotten foundation would just be ripped away and replaced
  With stronger cement at its base for someone new to cling to
      And new walls and paint for another soul to suffer through
  But this shattered house still stands
      There's no plans to rebuild all these shards of my broken heart splattered on the ground
   And nothing will ever replace my soul when this house falls down

Ripping out pages and crumpling paper
Lately I can't just express without saying
Something too raw pulling **** out the closet
Leave grown women sobbing this **** is bizzare just
Bare with me I'm sorry my life is revolving
I'm falling in hallways get faded to jot this
Can't bring you up every girl I'm involved with
Hates you to death, because I share my heart with
You and you only
Only you see my side
We've loved and we've lied and we've cuddled and cried
We built up our pride
We've drank and gotten high
But every sober moment
Protected my mind
You rejected my kind gestures and efforts in time
made me realize I played the Jester
Just to get by
Wonder why did I lose love?
Well at least I did try
Stealing you rings just to make you all mine
Still remember your size
Those seven point fives that you'd take off at night
I know you lost a couple shouldn't come as a surprise
We both lost it all even who we both are
These emotional scars make what we had hard to find
I'm just stuck in the car strapped along for the ride
I tapped in to the side of me that's still too in love
I know its too much and you don't want to rush, but

Me and you were playing house
Start thinking that I'm losing touch
Falling asleep together on Mare's couch
Maybe I should loosen up
When I leave you and I go home
I start forgetting what it is
Gotta keep in mind our two beautiful kids
I mean that's *reason enough to ******* live

Why are we wasting our relationship on other relationships?*
You know how sticky these situations get
You go up higher than me some days
You know what I think we could be some day
But you already know my side of things, man

Knees buckling
   He'd give up anything to feel her touch's healing strength
      But foreboding dreams kept showing things
          Movie scenes that seem to tear the seams of time itself and lay the twine atop of a shelf too high for him to reach
      He'd die in this moment if he thought it would help
    Some memories haunt so deep eternal sleep offers no escape
         Karma waits with ten million watt light bulbs to illuminate your every flaw
     Every argument caused builds a tallied wall there's no way out and they'll never fall
      Stuck in a room of doubt and sappy songs you can't sing along too because every tune brings her face back to you in vibrant hues

Death wouldn't help

This is Death

      Watching the light gradually die from your eyes
   Fabricated surprise on my behalf had you think that the sky was the limit
     You can't fly but a minute before you crash
     And when I'm not in the cockpit with you I'll laugh
     Like all our little silly jokes that no one used to get
     Your screams for help Will fall on deaf ears, **don't you forget

You were there before I ever wrote
Long before I ever smoked
You knew me before they did
All of em
You saw me change
As a stranger
Far away from all my mishaps and danger
You saw the side effects of pills too hard to swallow
You knew me before I had ever had my heart broken
Before I had my thoughts stolen by harsh words spoken

Before the scars


I remember breaking a window.
All I did was knock.
You were inside with the lock engaged
A boxed in cage
I could not just stay out of

Not too long after that night the seven or more blocked the door and I applied more than an appropriate amount of lotion that his corneas adorned
Immature?
Maybe but it may be I was scared

Scared enough to knock so hard
I obtained my first scar in the front yard of a Heritage Pointe apartment


You knew me when your world got tossed into a cold wind
My sole friend in an inconsolable state
The thirteenth the date, at least I think, my birthday was late
The drive home was too long in the stone cold silence in the wake of unfathomable violence
I loved you enough to feel empathy for the first time
My sister just not in blood usually just said she was fine like some corny degrassi line with true emotions deep in holding in the circus of your mind
But here you were crying
A sign of a signing away of youth
I watched as you grew

Our lives are a sitcom and we've lost the remote
And pretty much all hope of ever calling it quits
We're as stuck as it gets
Family runs thick

We knew each other before we became moms and dads
Back when we we're all we had
You were Daddy Yankee, I was  more Kanye West
But we always went well together, Sister you're the best

The smell of the lake
The green of the grass
The white of the sand
The blue of the sky

I miss the water splashing in my face
I miss the grass tickling my toes
I miss the warm sand cradling my back
I miss the sun shining bright in my eyes