My head was rested on your chest
Your fingers intertwined in mine
Everything seemed normal again
But we were far from it
You weren't mine and I wasn't yours
We talked for hours
It was so hard to be that close to you but still know
That I did not have you
I wanted you to be mine again
I wanted the world to make sense again

You knew it would be my last moment there
You walked me out and kissed me goodbye
I didn't want to believe that this was going to be my
Last time kissing you
I got in my car and drove away
I drove away for the last time

How much I craved
Experience
When I was a child
Almost broke me
(It did to some extent)
How I craved
To be full
Emptiness invaded me
Much too
Young

At six,
Determined
Driven
By this looming
Emptiness
To teach myself
How to ride
A bike
Not allowing myself
To give up
Until I had accomplished
That goal

“Maybe he will be
Proud of me
And tell me.
Maybe he won’t
Sit in there
All alone
(Without me)
Anymore.”

Dad,
You never
Taught me
To ride a bike
Like you were
Supposed to
But maybe
You were teaching me
Something else

Maybe that’s why
I taught
My younger sister and brother
To ride a bike

Maybe that’s why
I taught
My youngest sister
To walk
And she took her
First steps
To me
In your mother’s kitchen

Maybe that’s why
I was so
Determined
Driven
To give them
Something
I never got
But always
Felt

Maybe that’s why
I was so
Determined
Driven
To prevent that
Emptiness
From contaminating
Them
Much too
Young

Maybe
You taught me
Strength
Instead of
Skill

Maybe
You created
That irrefutable
Initiative
That still
Drives me
To this day

I owe my
Resilience
To you
And your
Absence
And me
And my
Emptiness

I forgive you
I forgive you
*I forgive
You

The warm and inviting luster of your deep brown eyes
Whose gaze pierce directly into mine so perfectly
So beautifully

My heart melts

Fixed on your gaze
I fall into a trance
And get lost in the feeling
Everything around me disappears
And you are the only thing I see

My heart lets out a peaceful sigh

Standing in the presence of your magnificence
I realize I am so vulnerable to how you make me feel
What you do to me
How you affect me

My heart beats slowly

Without my consent
My eyes are always searching for yours
My body forever longing for yours
And my heart endlessly reaching for yours

What is this unending and intense connection between us?

"Why are you so irresistible to me?"
"Why are YOU so irresistible to ME?

Love is a funny thing
And being in love is an even funnier thing

We are young
And full of love
And completely in love
Not just with each other
But with each and every moment we spend together
Every single memory of us that we possess
In every crease and crevice of our minds
Every single kiss
Every single embrace
All of it*
We are full of love
And we are young
And we are completely in love

Do you know what it is like to make love almost every single day?
Sometimes even twice a day at that
Do you know what it feels like saying goodbye to someone so passionately it makes your knees weak?
Like it will be the last time you will ever see them again
Even though you saw them yesterday and will probably even see them later
If not then, than definitely tomorrow

Do you see how funny of a thing this all is?
I am making light of it
But it is pretty serious
I mean
Not to me
But to him
Because he is a man
And saw love fail terribly as a small child

So this love thing is a very serious matter
But not to me
That is why I say it is such a funny thing

Rubbing our fists in our eyes
Until we see nebulas and galaxies
Our raptures
They are either all air or all fire
That certain madness we contain
Which rightly dominates
Our poetic brains
Shoving our thoughts back down
Our throats
Which always seem to surface
On paper later
Wandering off the edge of the world
Our hearts
They burn and destroy
Our words
Run down from the tops of our heads
And out from our thunderous and beating hearts
Often times
Our shadows
Seem more real than our distant bodies

And so again,
With these words
A tiny place we call sanctuary
This moment...
Like some great redemption

Something in my throat made my unspoken words shake.
And something in between every aching memory made the lights seem like at any moment,
They would break.

The floorboards creaked with every step of my timid feet,
As the shattered glass dove in deeper and deeper,
Like it was pouring from the stained and sagging ceiling above me.
And as it opened up the scars that had just barely finished healing,
My skin screamed with pain and panic until the tears didn't want to fall,
But they did.
I could feel the sum of my strength weakening
As the first teardrop fell from my face
And landed on the ground with a vibrant shatter.
Then the tears fell like frantically racing raindrops
On a cold and stormy day.
And as they despairingly drained from me,
So did my strength.
And yet,
I thought it was all so beautiful.

But as the newly awakened wounds opened up wider and wider,
I could hear my heart howling in agony,
Hiding all alone in its quiet room.
I tried to give it something for the pain
But it just screamed louder.
So I tried to comfort it
But it just went back to hating me again.
"Tell me when you think it was that
We became so unhappy,
So hopeless,
So vulnerable;
Sleeping out of sync
With our dreams utterly
Severed and estranged?
Tell me,
How do we fix it?"

The constant weight of
Hope versus practicality.
I never minded it always blaming me for its mistakes,
I just made sure that I always held it
Close enough
And tight enough
During every single earthquake.
But no one is going to fix it for us,
Because no one can.
There's no one else,
There's never been.
It's just us two.
And we're not even two,
We're really just one.
And that's when things start to feel
Especially lonely.
But maybe it will all cease when I stop living my life
Staring into the barrel of a gun.

But maybe,
We're really just one.
Only one.
No one else,
No one else but me and my hardening heart,
Never apart.
Only one.
*Just me,
And my lovely counterpart.

Laying alone in bed
Before sleep quiets my head
I always feel the most pain
As loneliness ***** me like a drain

There is a woman
Eager with doubt
Missing the secrets
As kisses fade
Fears push onward
Foolish feelings surface

Sorrow keeps the gray hearts breaking
And the lonely souls aching

She paints the streets
Until they are glistening
Wildly
With her tears

Think of me as smoke
As I float here and there slowly
Chasing the shape of your body
I drift away and return only to collide with the warm breath
That escapes from your mouth with so much ease
As I slowly get closer and closer
I drift towards you until I reach your lips
You reach for me
But I am gone
I have vanished
Right before you can grasp me
I slip through your fingertips
And I am nowhere to be found
I can only be yours if you search for me until you find me again
Because at least then I will know you will never leave me

I like this day.
The 17th day, of the 4th month of the year.
I am thinking of you still.
I have been drunk the majority of today,
And that is more or so the truth.

But more the less, I am perfectly okay.
The flight attendant, she noticed my youth,
But she paid for my drink anyway…
I am the only “young one” in this booth.
The middle, it strays emptily.
But I am coming home today…
And I can only hope that I see you soon.
For it is you, who makes me swoon.
If only I could see you…tonight, or any day as soon.

You do not respond, to my dismay.
Here I am, upon the plane.
It is you who makes me sane.
For I’d rather write of you,
Than wait for you to…
Respond to my text of so excitement.
For it is only you who creates incitement.

I stole the crackers and the peanuts from him beside me
He hasn’t awoken, however, I wonder if he would blame me.
Asleep, asleep, sweet dreams does he keep.
And then there’s me, who won’t dare fall asleep.
For I will,
Keep writing poems…
Until I desperately reek of raw &
True emotions.
Until I know that you are mine to keep,
However, until then, your love will continue to move oceans.

From me to yours,
What more could I ask?
This is far more than a love fueled by mere task
Of me and yours and our love combined too…bliss is bliss
And I love you,
I do.

By: Evynne Doue

We were driving in my car
It was dark
And the rain was drizzling down
Painting colorful silhouettes
Of street lights
All over the pavement

Red
Green
Orange
Green
Orange
Green
Red

All of these colors racing towards us
Illuminating a path all the way up,
As far ahead as our eyes could see

And you said something like,
The reflections
Make it seem like we are about to fall in
Crash down into a lightless void
Deep below
But we just keep driving
And then there it is in front of us again
And again, we do not fall in
We just keep going
We keep going
And we keep on going

*It's all we can do

Cold hands
But a loving and warm heart
Acidic-like eyes that burn into you
With their brown, green, and gold luster

The smooth curve of full lips
Quivering
A smile shaped like the crescent moon
Only appearing every once in a while
A rare but loyal commodity

A mind like a never-ending war
With thoughts that act as deadly weapons
*You never come back the same

Is there no ounce of passion left within me?
Was it accidentally drained out of me when all of the emptiness was unmistakably filled up?
I don't feel it as deeply and as excruciatingly as I did before
I almost don't feel it at all
It feels absent
Lacking
W  a  n  i  n  g

During the days of the horrid drought
When the pain and the loneliness were so
Heavy, endless, and dry
It was my passion alone that kept me holding on
It was the only thing that forced me to keep living
The one and only good thing that was static in my life

I don't feel that anymore
All I feel is apathy
******* apathy

Was I stronger then,
Than I am now?
Or is it the contrary?

I feel less fragile, less breakable
There's no more sign taped blatantly to my forehead
Screaming, "VERY FRAGILE: HANDLE WITH CARE"
And there's no more drought

But did the passion get lost along with all of the emptiness?
How do I know?
Where is it hidden?
*And where can I find it again?

Two little charms in my pocket
A quarter and a bottle cap
They chase each other through my fingers
Over and over and over
They remind me of us

it began with eye contact,
it proceeded with a kiss.

turned into a mouth shut tight.
and a hand that didn’t want to write.
drowning in  d e n i a l.
knowing very well it could only spew the truth:

the you i painted in poems,
a truth that would never exist.

it eventually resurfaced with pain.
piercing sadness masked with a burning anger.

it continued with pain.

it ended with only more poems.
but not of you,
of hope.
of love for myself.
for my strength.
for rescuing myself.
and for finally realizing
that you never could.    

--

and yet here i am:
post-pain,
post-hatred,
post-you.
still writing poems about it.
just so that i can be free to feel something else.
there is still anger—
but only such that is reflected unto myself.
for trusting someone who never even earned it.
for loving someone who never even did.

i know now:
the poems i wrote about you
are better than you ever will be.
gave me more than you ever could.
a monster i painted as a savior.
one poem. at a time.

my words are pure,
& you could never take that away from me.
my words,
they only saw the best in you.
the small, minuscule sliver that shined brighter than the rest of you.
insignificant in theory.
but something my words could turn into beauty.

…painting you as everything i wanted you to be.
ignoring the thorns.
and the poison.
that you stuck me with.
which only grew stronger
and more prominent with time.
only to ultimately destroy me.
quieted my words.
because the sliver of you was now gone.
the thorns and the poison were all that were.
existing only to ultimately subdue me.
the savior finally revealed as a monster.
but i could not get out.

for three years you poisoned me.
dug your thorns into me deeper and deeper.
i was stuck and pricked so many times
my skin was permanently blood red,
covered in scars.
squeezing my bones
that could take no more.
shackled to a love that was never a love,
a person that was never a person.
a form of exile.
******* the beauty out of my name.
a voice that could only make my skin crawl.
my sense of trust ripped to shreds.  
a trust that will never be the same.

but from horror,
from trauma,
from violence,
from pain,
i gave birth to strength.
manifested a jail cell
into intoxicating
freedom.

It is hard to get out of bed in the morning
Without your face to kiss
Your body to hold
Your voice to listen to

You were like the first cup of coffee in the morning
Warm and alluring
Life was easier with you in it
And I grew accustomed to that
But now you're gone and it seems I have forgotten
How difficult life is for someone like me

When you struggle to get out of bed in the morning
For no apparent reason it seems
Things are hard
But forgetting what that feels like
And being thrown back into it with no warning
Is even harder

It is an inconvenience
It is an added stress
It is one more thing I am forced to deal with
It is something that baffles understanding and cannot be explained
It is my deepest darkest secret

I can feel it deep, down inside of me
It burns and aches and forces me to notice it
It is hidden from everyone else
I am the only one who knows of its existence

Almost nineteen years old,
Finding myself forced to make certain lifestyle changes
Things most people don't consider until much older
Things some people won't ever consider
I am too young to be dealing with something of this nature,
Of this magnitude

But it does not define me
It is part of who I am
And ultimately, I accept it
That doesn't make dealing with it any less difficult, however
The anger and frustration still surface
Along with the despair and
The loneliness

It can seem unbearable at times
And there are times when I want for nothing more
Than to blurt it out
But I never do
Because it is mine,
And only mine

I try to love it,
Look at it as a gift
And when it comes down to it,
I wouldn't have it any other way
It is both a curse and a blessing,
Depending on how you look at it

For the most part,
Others see it as a curse
Which makes me want to prove to them
How much of a blessing it really is

My deepest darkest secret is a piece of me,
It lives inside of me
And that is what makes it so beautiful

Some days are like most nights
I lay awake tracing shadows with my eyes
Trying to sort through all of the thoughts
That occupy my head
Recklessly trying to find peace of mind
That is the story of my life

Why is there bad and good, always an opposite?
How do we know we're doing the right thing?
How do we know we are going about life in the right way?
How do we know?

None of it makes sense to me

Because here I am
Here I am hurting and yelling and feeling in my thoughts
Trying not to go crazy
Lately I feel like I actually might be
I haven't heard any voices or anything like that
It's more of an everyday kind of crazy
Where I am constantly forgetting things I shouldn't
And thinking about death more than I probably should

It's just
I hold on to my words like I'm holding on for my life
Writing is just as painful as holding myself onto this ledge I'm about to fall off of
This is too hard for me
I keep feeling so terribly terribly average

I wake up in the morning.
It is hard to get out of bed.
But the presence of my cat and the thought of a warm cup of coffee lures me out slowly,
Surely.
Every morning, I wake up starved of meaning and purpose;
Though, this absence is oddly painless to ignore in the morning.
In the morning,
Nothing is real.
In the morning I put on an innovative charade.
In hopes it will bring about a change of pace.
It never does.

Every day it seems to become more apparent to me that I struggle with most things people find ordinary.
And, effortless.
Every day I am let down by my efforts.
Every day it is a continuous descent and degradation into an ultimate and underlying dissatisfaction with what I encounter every day and with most human beings and the lives they live and with life itself.
It resides in the core of who I am.
I can't hide from it.
I can't cover it.
It doesn't go away.
Every day everything that should not prevail, does.
Every day.
No one would understand.
No one can.
Every day is the same.
Days feel like weeks to me.
Days and days and days.
What are days, besides a limitation on time?
I would enjoy and value the ability to live a life without the rigid limitations everyone and everything has always set for me.
Not possible.
Nothing utterly enjoyable is ever truly promising,
Or achieving.

Every night I crawl into my bed,
Tired.
Every night I cannot seem to sleep.
I lay there,
Awake,
Waiting.
I lay there in darkness,
Waiting for happiness to find me again;
To kiss me goodnight and advise sweet dreams;
To guarantee that when I wake up in the morning it will not all be the same.
Every night.
It never comes.
Every night the bed is empty.
I am vacant,
Always. 
Empty. 
I can be found contemplating my loneliness,
Every night.
Every night I have to prepare myself for every morning.
Every morning and every day and every night.

She smells of cigarettes and flowers
I could rant about her beauty for hours
When we kiss, I'm in another dimension
When we're apart, I swear something's missin'

kiss the loneliness your heart feels
the forever pain
that is really not forever
it’s okay
if you used to love a bed
a home
that isn’t there anymore
it’s okay
to feel small  
it’s okay
to hate yourself
the longing you feel
needs a smile
and your kisses
will make you realize
the different existences
that were once a broken home
sad and hurt
are not just an innocent human
a soul full of wonder
a moment moving slowly
that leaves your arms
not so lonely
anymore

it is better to forget the lonely
to stop holding the form’s presence
in sadness
in a hope that seems to be constantly
far from the surface
but comes in
tasting like water
instead of blood
looking like a lovely warmth
and perfection
that can only be found through tears
and a certain touch
aching fingers
outside the breadth of the home
reaching closer
to a new, sure death
changing into kind, sweet branches
that quietly beckon stronger reasons
for living
and finally
your bones will believe
that they exist to be soft
under their flesh
and that dreams are able to actually
exist outside of despair
outside of rain
and outside of fear and blood

"Not I," she whispered.

No concern
No meaning
No feeling
Deprivation at its finest.

I don't think about things the same way others do;
Actually,
I don't think about the same things everyone else does.
There are things that fill my mind on a daily basis that I guarantee do not ever cross any normal human being's mind.
Notice how I said normal,
It really makes me think, am I the one that's crazy, or are they?
What is normal?
If normal is being like everybody else, than that is not I.
"Not I," said the Queen
Not I.
Normal, ordinary, average, common, typical, general, normal.
"Not I," said she.
Not I
"I blame my loneliness on my abnormality"
A valid excuse is all I'm looking for.
I don't need an answer...
Because when am I ever in the possession of answers?
Not ever.
Just questions upon questions upon questions and contradictions upon that of which fill in the crevices of my mind.
I think of one solid thing and the next solid thing contradicts it.
Do you see what I attempt to control everyday?
Mental processes.
Severely intricate, contradicting, insane, mental processes
That race through my stream of consciousness with no intent of slowing down.
Colorful winds that whisper things softly to me
Like the constant pitter patter of falling raindrops on an idle afternoon.
Will I ever be at peace with these contents inside my head?
I am not quite sure.
But what I am sure of is that I would be lost if it all stopped, ceased to exist.
So for now, I am thankful.
Even though I keep feeling more and more crazy every single day.
Madness doesn't necessarily have to be a dire thing.
Normal?
"Not I," said the Queen
Not I.

No matter what I say or do, the road leads back to you

So you sit there and you realize you can't focus on anything
But you still sit there and you try
All you're good for these days is thinking and getting your rebellious *** into trouble
Thinking?
Yeah, I think that's the right word for it
You sit and you try to decide if you've changed
And then you think, if you have changed, is it good or is it bad?
And what has changed anyways?
And then it's gone
Because you don't care
You don't care about one single thing and almost anyone who knows you, knows that
That single aspect of you is the most obvious of your persona
How does that make you feel?
It's the truth and you know it so you leave it alone
You leave everything alone that has to do with yourself
You hate acknowledging the fact that you're human like everyone else
But you still find yourself asking
Why feel?
Why live?
Why die?
Why think?
Why?

And then you frequently find yourself wanting to give up
And you want to, so ******* bad but something keeps you holding on
The one person who you allow to let you feel because you can't help it
Even with your ******, stubborn wall up, he still breaks through and gets to you and then all the feeling is just there
It wasn't there before you saw him
But the second you come into his presence, you feel alive again
And it's frustrating because that same person who keeps you holding on and feeling, is the same person who makes you want to give up and stop feeling all together
I don't blame you because of the way you feel when you're with him
He's got you wrapped around his finger and you follow him around like a scared, little puppy
And you can never tell if he feels the same and you can never seem to figure him out
It's a frightening cycle

No wonder you don't want to feel
But no wonder you do
It's also sad to think that just by this person coming up and putting his arm around you is the one reassurance that shows he might care
And is the one thing that brings you back up and tells you not to give up just yet

So I see you shaking on the edge in fear and confusion
But I can see your reasoning because when your chest swells up when you feel him close
And when you almost give up but find yourself ****** back in, you seem okay
And you seem happy in a weird, lost, kind of way
So I guess things are okay for you
I guess this is how it is
But it's also like, I don't know why you're still waiting…

You might as well just go ahead and say it
You need me like a bad habit, you crave me like an addict
But our future is an easy thing to define, we never even had it

I know you will never leave
And you know I'll always be there
I know you would agree
And you know I'll never compare

Although I am no longer in love with you, your effect on me will never weaken or fade
After four years, you'd think it would have already decayed
But instead, it chose to further invade

At least I know now, a love purer than the one we shared exists
But that doesn't change the fact that with you, even misery was bliss

i apologize in advance
(and i guess you have figured it out)
i cannot stay
but while i'm gone
my anxious heart will be writing poems for you
(because you are my home)

Imagine an idea
That is screaming and golden
Growing special
Each day

The weight of my existence was harder to handle
A clean grace that remained
Through the night
I started to run for some reason
And the sensation was strange
But no one noticed
I closed my eyes
And painted the canvas that sits
On the backs of my eyelids
With bright hues
Of all of my favorite colors
Swirls of red, blue, pink, yellow, purple and green
The colors are calming and only
Propel me forward
Now the streets are changing colors
And my breath is getting heavier

In the middle,
The streets become wider
Turning in circles
And I want to blame
Someone
Or something
But I am done being bitter
And beating myself up all the time
I am smiling now
At all of the beautiful and colorful things
Manifesting right in front of my eyes

There is a ***** bliss
And my mind is more attentive
I do not feel as though I need to continue searching,
Letting all of the aching wondering swirl up and around me
Invading my pure and unconscious thoughts
Making me feel like an evil little mess
And then I remind myself that I am my own worst critic

There are frequent,
But completely unknown,
Voices that exist inside of my thoughts
They're not always nice to each other either
They all talk at the same time
And it gets really confusing
They're rarely quiet
But when they are,
The hollowness is not comfortable

As I run,
The voices seem to be talking faster and louder
And I want it all to stop

It feels like my loneliness is spurting out of me in colorful hues like warm gurgling blood  
And I belong to a precious experience
Possessing a knowledge and a passion that was released into my innocence as a youth
Now that my innocence has diminished,
The passion and the knowledge have changed shape
But they are more prominent
Stronger and more powerful than ever before

There are flames on the mountaintops as I stand below them
A stranger laughs and the sunshine glints perfectly atop my twisted and stained fingertips
My wounds have been shed
The rage that was once poison has transformed
Despite the depths of the secret monster that lives inside of me
Hanging despair up by clothespins
I know that the void is fading

Tender wisdom as the greatest killing machine and strings like puppets with no imagination
Respect as a season
That is stuck and stained
Higher
Reaching the horizon
Understanding the changing stream of colors and voices alike

Courage as thunder
Rough weather,
But a beautiful outcome
Kissing the smoothing madness
That swims inside of me daily
Travelling strangers repeating humanity
The mystery is painful
The company is invisible
She'll perfectly fade and disappear and though you will be sad,
You must not forget that it will all be beautiful
And perfect

The ****** ancient curse
And the hidden nasty beast
Have conversations that rhyme
But the gods shine down speaking infinitely
Begging for me to destroy the shell
And fill the holes
Brush off the dirt
And swallow the moonlight

Delicate fields of flying pink petals surround me
The chaos is twice as intense
But never forget that one must
Have chaos burning within them
To give birth to a shining star

By: Evynne Doue

i bet i taste lonely
kiss me again so i can know for sure
but then you'll just leave so i guess i'll know then too