i was cold
like everything else
before i even froze,
i thought of moving
i began running in circles
looking for something that'll thaw me
i saw the vast deep ocean,
i began testing waters.

i swam and swam
until regain my body heat
not warm enough - but neither cold
finally the cold got off.
i felt kind of happy.
instead of swimming back to the shore,
i explored the sea.
swam deeper,
my heart and body felt like it belongs to the waters
i began loving it, at least i think.

didn't realize i was already lost,
i barely recognize where i am.
didn't know the ocean changes too?
the thing i loved now turned into a monster.
it began swallowing me,
whole and alive.
i cant do anything,
i dont know why
i just watched myself get eaten by this beast,
i trusted him.

because he made my heart beats into symphonies
he said my voice is the type he'll not grow tired of.
i kind of believe him.
i kind of fell in love with someone's words
i kind of liked this man with a name i'll never know.

but he swallowed me.

and when i went back into my senses,
i'm back on square one,
but now,
my whole body,
frozen.

I was in love with the way he tells me about you,
Like your name is caressed before it leaves his mouth.
I keep repeating his voice in my head,
Thinking it was me he was talking about.

I was in love with the way he sings for you,
Like you were always the only woman left on earth.
I keep replaying how he recklessly strums the guitar,
Pretending I didn't hear my heart hurt.

I was in love with the way he melts you with his stare,
Like you were the only one there for him.
I keep reliving how he looks at you,
Imagining someday he'll look at me like that too.

I was in love with his words,
Like you were the only story to reveal.
I keep recalling how he described you like a drug,
Anticipating that he'd realize he's too good for you.

I was in love with the way he holds your hands,
Like they were the most precious things left in the world.
I keep remembering your fingers were always interlocked,
Hoping he will soon let go.

I am sorry I loved him,
I am sorry I still envy you.
Because no matter how many times I tell myself ******* on how much I am better than you,
I cannot forget the vision of you holding and kissing each other too easily,
I never came any closer on erasing how your bodies perfectly fit each other.

I
Never
Came
Any
Closer.

But forgive me,
I never knew how to unlove.
I never knew how to forget.
I never knew how to kiss..
The past good bye.

It's not for me to ask,
But please give him the love he needs,
The love he wants,
The love he deserves,
The love he desires.

Love him more than he loves you.
Love him for me.
Please.

Because I will never have the chance.
Because I will never come closer.
Because he will never let me.
Because it's always you.

One day you'll know,
and you'll come back to me.

you sure as hell ******* know this is the last word i would like to hear

WHY in the world you did happen
that you would stay late at nights just to be with me until i sleep?

why would you always tell me
that i'm am attractive
and that i am so easy to love
and that the person who would love me be the luckiest man on earth?

why would you want to hear
my voice late in the afternoon and early in the morning,
listen to my cracking voice as i sing?

why would you want to know
how i feel, what i feel, and how i can feel,
why do you want to know what goes on my mind,
the secrets buried in my soul,
the ones i hide and never told anyone else,
the ones i keep for myself?

why would life do this to me?
why did it make sure you had a girlfriend before me?

why did you let me love you?

why are you so charming?
attractive
captivating
and......
alluring?

you make me go crazy

**** why
why
why

for the last ******* time can you please tell me why

Why do I feel an ache in my chest?
Is it because life made sure that we'd never be anything more than best friends?
Life made sure you had a pretty girl friend.
But life insisted you'd always talk to me.
Life pushed me hard. Making me fall deeper and deeper for you each day.
Life reminded me of the barriers  and the limits i must never forget.
Life gave me tears. For the feelings I shouldn't feel.
Life keeps me awake at night. Making me ponder about love.
Life made love difficult.
It was always difficult.
Life was always difficult when secretly loving a best friend.

you always have me puzzled
always leave me hanging
always reading between the lines
always kept me thinking

your words always in my mind,
always deep
always making me wonder

????????????????????????

I would say I love you but I taught myself not to love things that leave.

You’ll find someone better,
And please know that it’s not me.
Sorry if I can’t reciprocate
Trust me; I know it how it hurts, and I’m sorry.

i don't hate you
it's just
i can't love you

it's 6 months already. i never thought someone would see and noticed me even when at least i think i am invisible. i loved and trusted him like a friend. but never i knew he would treat me differently.

sorry. i have no other ways of saying this. but. i can not reciprocate your feelings. sorry i don't know how to say this. sorry for making your efforts go to waste. sorry if i ran away after i knew. sorry if you never made it. sorry if i never gave you a chance.

i feel sorry for having somebody else in my heart.
sorry for rejecting you.
because trust me, i know what it feels.

how can this love be so wrong?
when all i want is be with you any minute
be a fan of your ridiculous jokes
because all i want is to laugh with you

all i want is to hold your hands
and dance with you
in rhythm of our high school dance theme song

all i want is to be beside you
when you make any moment the most of it.

hell, i know it's wrong
now i see you holding her.

i want this poem to be mad
i want to hand you this poem because you hurt me again for the nth time
i am so angry with myself because i waited
but now
i hate myself for hating you
yet
i want to slapped this poem on your face,
the scenery i used to admire
i want to punch you on your shoulders,
places where i used to lean
i want to break your hands
for they used to held mine

i want to use these fists not to fist bump you
but for the last time,
to break your **** heart without me regretting it

hands are such unique features in our bodies.
i mean,
hands can let us feel what we can't see. they have been our guide and support even in darkness.
hands make music. fingers pluck guitar strings and strong hands hold drum sticks
hands can describe our feelings when we speak. we use it to emphasize more of what we say in our everyday.
hands are for love. we have used it for holding others people's hands and let them feel what they are supposed to feel.
hand are also for hate and anger. the clenched fists we used to do in times of rage.
hands are for art. the way they hold brushes and give life through strokes of ink and paint.

but my hands haven't known yet what they are for.
these hands never understand
what story it can tell someday.

make it ******
make it look like you're happy

make the smile reach the eyes
show it from where the love lies.

my eyes on his perfectly arched eyebrows,
heart pounding wide smile,
and dazzling eyes that hide behind the glasses

you look good today i say

you know jokes are half meant

i was never kidding.

one day you held my hands,
the next day you fist bumped me.

i'll save you
a corner
in my mind
and *heart

one look and i knew
you needed a distant hug
and a bar of sweets

nothing hurts more than
seeing you scribble her name
on papers and desks

She never understood
why she loved books
The way they are much more capable
of warming hearts on a stormy night
than a cup of bittersweet coffee.

She never understood
Why she hated capitalising
and hated the word ‘why'.

She never understood
Why her favourite word is still ‘incredible’
And why she loved repetition
And use of periods.
And commas.
And conjunctions.

She never understood
Why she always wanted to cut her hair herself,
But if she was bird
She wouldn't fly across oceans and seas
Because she wouldn't trust her wings that much.

She never understood
Why she always find herself late at night
Thinking about why and how
She can’t kiss the past good bye.

She never understood
Why she easily lose herself to others,
Like rivers to oceans,
And how she finds someone worthy
If he makes someone’s heart happy.

Somehow she can never love
Or hate herself wholly.
It was always between self-love and self-loathe.
And *she never understood why.

want* to f
                   a
                  l
                     l
                in love,
But at some point you smiled,
And *******,
             I blew it.

I was always waiting to catch you if you fall,
He said
**** right!
I have fallen life times across life times
Too deep to arise from the fall
Where are you?,
I ask
I am waiting.

And for the first time
I feel less alone
And for the first time
I can call this home

he was there
enough that made my insides shake
terrified with every move he made
the air thickened -
a sharp tang of something else
i hope he didn't recognize
how even his slightest move sent chills down
down my spine

and when I first saw you
i swear I could never look away
and since that day

i’ve never looked away
you had my gaze
and you had my heart

it isn’t about a connection.
it isn’t about the heart or the brain.
it isn’t love and it isn’t explained away by a single word or a singular idea.
but it was momentous.
it was brief but beautiful.
an experience with no amount of magic.
that you passed me by and I don’t know who you are — not really, not completely — but you made me look up just by being who you are and bringing with you this warm rush of heat, this aura that spread like a tidal wave of energy.
it washed me up on the shore of earthly awareness.
it terrified my insides.
i felt it.
then I saw you.
stranger, you are amazing.
you are truly amazing.