i am grateful for the short time i had with you
and the way i was loved so incredibly
i lived for the little infinities we created
on the back roads and in your bedroom
where time mysteriously disappeared
and all we had was the way our hearts synchronized

i am grateful for the hours we spent
discovering who we were as one
instead of two troubled individuals who spent
too much time divulging in their own dusty skeletons they keep in totes underneath the bed
finding each other in the small corners of the world
like on top of a bluff
or in the middle of a river
where the only thing that mattered
was the way lips warm and the way bodies melt together

i am grateful for the heartbreak
for the tears that have been shed for you
because without you i would have never known
what it feels like to be broken by someone
who i love unconditionally
and what it feels like to live without the other half of me

somehow
between the sadness and the hopelessness i felt within me
i learned how to sew my body together
to make a whole being once again
even though the scars and the holes still remain
i'm someone again
i hope you are as well

the haze of summer hung in the air
blurring the lines between our bodies
buried in the white sheets
on the three-season patio day bed
where i learned how
your body felt when i moved my hand across the light skin of your torso
and no matter how warm the temperatures got
i'd still wrap my arms tight around you
like you were a towel in need of wringing

we shared iced tea
siting in the chaise lounges
the sun setting a crimson outside our window
you told me of the time you landed yourself out on the street
strumming your guitar for money
until you finally found your footing
when i came and took you in
which is where we found ourselves on this porch into the early hours
summer haze billowing the curtains as a breeze rolls in
the night the only illumination in your eyes

you revealed to me that you were in love with me
the idea of what i had become to you
and how you love the sound of my voice at two in the morning
scratching the surface of your rough facade
breaking into something that was seemingly impenetrable

you meant the world
to someone so little and unimportant
that as the fall came and went
and winter set in
your imprint on this bed still lingers
even though your feet left my threshold
too many days ago

and i hate to admit
i'm a lover of all things dangerous;
torrential downpours
too much whiskey
your hands and your lips

you are my comfort
when he is far away from me
further away than i would care to have him

you are the warmth in my body
when he brings me coldness
spreading to individual cells throughout me
filling me
making me whole

you are the kindness
when his heart is cruel
too cruel for me to palate most days

you are the light
when he is dark
illuminating me completely

i wish i could give myself to you fully

i wish he didn't hold such a part of me

maybe my body
is just a vessel
destined to be filled
with the glories of your love

maybe this vessel
has been filled by too many
and the thought of topping it off
with your love
your compassion
scares the hell out of it

in all my years of living
i have learned
that nobody stays as long as they promise to

dear you,

i don't know where to start this. you came into my life at the most opportune time, when my heart was open and i was ready. you spoke the loveliest words i have heard from someone's mouth, the connection between us something i could not begin to describe.

your soul touched mine in the weirdest way, a way i was not sure i could feel again. the conversations into the early hours of the morning are something i can recall; soon you just became a part of my life. wake up, shower, talk to you, work, go home, talk to you, sleep.

you became so important to me. and before i knew it, the feelings i felt for you were real, and so tangible. much more than the innocent friendship i thought it was...i did not tell you, though. i thought the feelings were not mutual.

you kindled something in me that sparked a flame, something buried underneath of the rubble left from people before you touched my soul. you made me feel something again that i thought had died, with the others that have left me.

one drunken confession led to the admission of feelings to each other...and the message from your significant other made it crash to the ground, in my eyes. did you care, though? no. six and a half years with her and you wanted something new, wanted new skin to place your lips upon.

the conversations were no longer just small chat, a lot deeper and less appropriate. i cherish every single conversation i have ever had with you, every beautiful word pouring out of your mouth like a faucet spewing out letters onto the ground, onto my feet.

i found someone, someone i could be held by at night while you held your lover. he was beautiful, and after more drunken words you let me know that you did not care for the way his eyes lingered on me, his hands touching the soft curves of me. i lost interest in him...for you. a man who already had a woman on his arm, someone to say "i love you" to every morning. some would consider that selfish, on your part, telling you that you cannot have both while holding onto the other.

i am not sure if i am the other, or if it is her.

the moment our lips met, the moment your fidelity turned black, i knew something in me had changed. i do not regret what i did; no, i do not regret how ravenous i felt when you touched me. i understand most people think about how terrible i am for it, but it was not one sided, darling. i know you feel it, too.

it would be a daft statement to say that i am in love with you. you are almost unattainable, to me, and yet...i cannot seem to find my way back from you. but i do think i love you. i am not sure in what way, all i know is that i believe i am. a man does not tenderly touch my heart like you do without leaving a trace of yourself behind.

the only question i have is if you love me too. and currently, my heart is hurting because i do not know if we are the thing we are, anymore. if we are not, then here is a goodbye to you. just know that a man like you cannot deny the connection between us.

i know you will probably never read this, and i do not expect you to. but just know that you have changed me in a way that i cannot begin to explain. and if we never talk again, if everything has gone to ash, i will remember you somewhere in the deep pit of my heart.

i love you. wholeheartedly and irrevocably.