some how
the months have passed easily
in your absence

-em vidar

When do I stop hoping
for the apologies
I know will never come


-em vidar

I must have loved you
at one point
These lingering emotions must have been created
to fill the void left
from the absence of love


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Is it alright
to wish you well
when I know the truth
you chose to ignore

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I have evidence,
of a time I don't remember existing.
We've drifted so far
from that moment
we are no longer
tethered to it

-em vidar

The biggest lie
I have told myself
is that I am honest.
Which is true,
Except when it comes to you.

I don't know if we could ever be honest.

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When did it stop being
what I thought it was,
No distinction between the two,
It just was
and now isn't
I've only now realized
what it is
is not what it was

-em vidar

I've forgotten you
the only way I can
You no longer have a face
Your laugh no longer a sound I hear  
Songs are skipped
instead of played on repeat
I can't remember if your eyes were blue
maybe green? were they brown
Instead you are a name
replaced with neutral terms
A memory for stories
that exist only because you had
at one point

-em vidar

Made even
the sweet memories
have a bitter aftertaste

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It was always a losing game
when two people
could never be honest

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I wonder if it would have been easier
If we had ended hating each other
instead of feigning indifference
and having our moments
slip into only memories

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I listen to those songs
you hate
the ones where the words make no sense
but the meanings
you feel

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always feels like
the end

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For each new promise made
we broke the one before


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I spent a lot of sleepless nights
running over what you said
when it turns out
all it was
was empty words

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our time always
was better spent
apart

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I never believed them
now
they're the ones
who never believe me

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For the times I cannot love myself
Love me quietly
For when the silences are too loud
Love me peacefully
For when sleeps avoids us
Love me calmly
For when we weather the storms
Love me greatly
So the oceans feel like lakes
Love me deeply
So when I drown,
it's only in you

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You've become
the voice in my head
telling me
it's never good enough

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I've lost my way again
Time to try again
without you

-em vidar

How do I pull myself out
when I am buried
6ft under

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Time to say goodbye
before I'm dragged under
on last time

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Always some truth
in the words we say,
even in the lies
you've accused me
of saying

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They told us
we have control
over how we are perceived
Your lies
showed me how far that is
from the truth

-em vidar

Like the sun and the moon
who chase each other to sleep
we always were
on opposite sides
never able  
to meet in the middle

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When love turned
a shade of blue
our end
was inevitable

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Do I exist
at the edges
like you do

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5 years
since I became someone
you don't recognize

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She became a nightmare
dipped in gold
loved the wrong man
hoping to be everything he dreamed
without realizing
it had eroded all of hers

-em vidar

You've left me
to find words
to fill
your empty beats

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I convinced myself,
I loved you.
longer than I should have.

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We didn't
take cover long enough
to miss the effects
of our aftershocks

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I wonder
if you conquered the fear
that kept us
tied together
like I have

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Our type of poison
has run its course
the fallout hitting quicker
than the high

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Dandelion girl
they think
you are easy to throw off balance
without realizing
their useless words
create the wind
necessary for you
to bloom again

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I still write to you
no longer for you
but it's a habit
I can't seem to quit

-em vidar

Were you ever sorry?

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I live past midnight
when the world is quiet
my loud thoughts
can finally seep out

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even when I'm
with you

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How do I leave?
When my mind screams
for me to run  
my heart convinces me
each time we've parted
you may have learned something
and be the person I want you to be...
not the person
you really are...

-em vidar

how well
we write heartbreak

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I still have things left to say
even though I no longer know you.
Have you escaped this trap
we created for ourselves?

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And I only miss a memory of you
I can't remember your face
or the way you laughed
and the scars you left
have begun to fade

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Its a drug
writing words
not caring who sees it
just knowing
you've created something

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Something always comes in
and knocks me off my axis
just when I feel
like I have both feet on the ground


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I wanted to write something for you
but all I can think about now
is how I wish I could have bottled your voice
so I could hear you again


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Its always the same
A quiet tug at the back of my skull
begging me to stay awake


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Trapped
between my thighs
****** out of our minds
we made promises
our kisses
made lies

Forgive and Forgive
do you also forget?
Is that way there's always a space
for him to come back?

-em vidar

Each time I end up here
your words ring in my head
"only the insane, keep doing things the same"
however,
you never said anything about what happens
if heart break comes
from different pains.

-em vidar