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Elizabeth Foley Mar 2019
You came into my life like an IED
Unexpected, unwelcome, and explosive
Not what I pictured
As a little girl
Hoping to get swept off her feet
We were an accident
A happy one, I thought
Two flames come together
To engulf what haunts us
A sideways smile, subtle winks
Subtle hints you found the fire too hot
I suppose the problem with flames
Is they cast a large shadow
And illuminate the unseen
Like the burdens ****** upon you
Or the scars I never manage to hide
I thought this was different
But then our fire ran cold
Not because it was extinguished
No
Because you left my flame
Without the courtesy of a warning
So I sit and wonder
Where it all went wrong
How I misunderstood
Realizing that the IED
Was me
Drowning the comfortable darkness
In a blinding light you
Weren’t prepared to face
But couldn’t bear to lose
So you left
And pretended that you remained
Choosing to brave the dark alone
Declaring that it made you strong
Trading the new fear in
For the old
Because at least you’d trained
For that
Elizabeth Foley Dec 2018
J
I met someone a long time ago
There was an elegant air around her
She looked around at
The filth surrounding us
Almost like she was a queen
Looking at a problem
She didn’t know how to fix

I knew immediately we had to speak

Suddenly, unpredictably,
She was living in my home
Sleeping in my bed
Sharing my secrets and
Divulging her own
Her things were all around me
In this tiny, little room
With one green wall
And all of her things
They covered my things
So I began to wish there was  
Distance between us

And then there was

My room felt empty
My bed felt cool
And something felt
Terribly wrong

We met again, unpredictably
In the same state
That wasn’t our own
I knew her instantly
She looked around
Like she was a queen
Looking at a problem
She didn’t want to fix
She seemed more jaded now
The way we’d both become
Traveling in the chasm
Of all that distance

We drank martinis
In the unfamiliar way we
Used to do
Jovially discussing how we’d both
Lost that hopeful glow
Her skin was still so
Dewy
Soft, and young, and fresh
But she was heavy
Heavier than I’d ever seen her
Heavy in a way we can’t
Quantify with a scale
She watched me with
A careful affection
Proud but weary
And I doted on her
With the same admiration
She loved to overlook

We parted ways again

Now she’s angry
I dared to claim
She was worth more
Because of loyalty
She responds
To my overtures
Until we have the chance
To meet again
Silence
My heart begins to ache
As my fears
Become true
The one-sided affair
Takes its next victim

Transition 8 silent months

To glamorous shoots
You have to pay
To see
I think back to the
First time we ever met
And wonder how
Two people can look the same
But be so different
I see the queen forget
She wears her crown
And assert that she
Never claimed the throne
At all

I know who you are
But

I don’t know how this story ends
Elizabeth Foley Apr 2018
It’s quite a thing for us to have
A beating, working heart
To inhale, exhale, inhale again
As you fall spectacularly apart

For when you die according to
Any book I’ve read
Your heart goes still, your lungs deflate
To be considered dead

You shouldn’t feel the pulsing blood
Flow warmly through your veins
You shouldn’t walk and talk and think
Or feel such intense pain

There’s something so poetic
In being the walking dead
To be murdered so profoundly
On such an inconsequential bed

As dignity fell to the ground
Like a ***** takes of her clothes
Your body somehow betrays itself
And completely and utterly froze

So while you lay there dying
Your heart remains so strong
Your lungs- they keep on breathing-
It’s as though there’s nothing wrong

When the killing is finally finished
When the deed is finally done
The world slowed and hastened all at once
Into confused, oblivion

For how can you be breathing
When your life has come to an end?
When you’ve been so completely broken
There’s nothing left to even mend

But get up and walk you do
And inhale, exhale you must
Because, unfortunately, your heart must stop
For you to turn to dust


Like a ghost without the benefit
Of being properly dead
You inhale, exhale, all the while
With that memory in your head

Being undead hurts and numbs your
Senses simultaneously  
And your wounds bleed out in places
No one else can feel or see

Wake up, inhale, exhale, sigh
Pretend the same you still exists
But that girl is dead and gone
Even though her ghost persists
Elizabeth Foley Apr 2018
You came ‘round when I needed you
For that I owe you much
Your loving words caressed me
When we were much too far to touch

I find comfort in your presence
And solace in your arms
So the last thing I would want to do
Is bring you any harm

But you knew I came with baggage
You knew my sorrow was immense
You knew the risk of loving me-
-In my terrible defense  

Please don’t think I never loved you
Please don’t try to curse my name
Don’t perjure yourself into believing
That I didn’t feel the same

I meant each aching syllable
I meant it to my core
Imagine my dejection finding
We could not be anymore

I promise that it’s harder
To say no to someone’s love
When that someone is the person
That you think so highly of

You jumped in while I was drowning
You wiped away my tears
And a small part of me dies
As I evince your deepest fears

I’m who I am because
You took the time to care for me
You listened and you carried a
Portion of my misery

Please know, while I was dying,
So slowly bleeding out,
You plugged the wound so gently
Washing away my rotting doubt

And though you may feel gutted
At this thought of life apart
I’ll extirpate myself before
I fully break your heart

For a brief and lovely moment
Our souls were quite aligned
But matching us is simple proof
Cupid indeed is blind

For at the core we differ
We match like fire matches ice
It took too long for me to realize this
And for that, you pay the price

Apologies mean nothing
If you can’t act out remorse
You’ll want nothing of me
And proscribe me at the source

I’ll be banished, gone forever,
From your mind, and heart, and soul
Until you find the person
That can plug your newfound hole

Hearts never quite recover
From a love that has been lost
So the mind begins to wonder
If it’s really worth the cost

Perhaps the one we find shares
Some same love induced defects
Perhaps the bond forms over
The many love stories we’ve wrecked

But to the point, I’m sorry
Sorry that I’ve let you down
So sad to give back to the world
The wonderful man that I have found

You’ll stay with me forever
My heart branded by your eyes
Thinking of what could have been
With discontented sighs

What could have been will never be
I think this we both know
It’s the hardest thing I’ll ever do-
Watching you permanently go

My heart brakes while I write this
Tears falling down my chin
As the scar painfully rips away
And I feel the bleeding rebegin
Elizabeth Foley Jun 2017
It's not easy to be me
That's a generalization true for most
We all have our battles.
But I'm so jealous
So jealous of the way you all move on
Because when I see the pain
When I see the hurt
When I see the purity of a baby's foot
My cracked heart of stone
Can't help but beat again.
With every beat those pieces crash
Clack-clack-clack
Until a fire erupts inside of me
And I can't help but
Fight.
Fight for the children playing on the slide
Giggling and screeching
So blissfully unaware of the
World they were born into...
For while they laugh and play
I know someone is out there
Crying
While the screams of a new born
Ring out into the world
The crushing silence of loss
Envelopes all the noise-
Silent screams erupt
From those who have no voice
While the rest of the world
Finds glory in their deafness
Not me.
I hear it all.
Every scream, every laugh, every word
Like a supersonic torture chamber
Until I'm paralyzed
I'd try to shut it out
But if not me then whom?
Someone has to hear.
Someone has to act.
I wouldn't trade this for the world
Because while my heart bleeds
And though my soul is crushed
At least I know I feel
At least they know that
Someone else feels the hurt
They can't hide anymore.
Someone hears them scream
But who hears me?
Elizabeth Foley May 2017
There is something so bright and solid
About a little baby’s foot
How can something so pure and fragile
Possibly be so strong?

Why can something so soft and gentle
Send fear and anguish running
When more rugged hands have found
That hope is surely lost?

Such teeny, tiny toes
Covered by teeny, tiny nails
Have miraculously become
The only thing in this world-

Nothing else exists
The dark has gone away
For the light has come to show me
This little baby’s foot
Elizabeth Foley May 2017
There are bruises on my body
Which is
Exactly
How I like it
I find solace
And comfort
In the purple
Green
And blue
There is triumph
In the knowing
That I can put up
A fight
It’s nice to have
A visual
For why
My insides throb
Even though
The throbbing places
Are nowhere near
The bruises
Even though
The visual
Looks more like
A civil war
Because while
My heart is
Bleeding
And as
My lungs
Collapse
While my brain
Implodes
My skin remains
Untouched
The picture of
Perfection
Except
Of course
Those places
Where you
Can see
A bruise
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