Waking up is the worst part of my day
It’s this awful reminder that I exist
That the nights I pretend life isn’t real
I’m forced to wake and feel like this

But that’s the issue with breathing isn’t it?
You don’t exactly have a choice
You can’t shut off your heartbeat
Or it’s persistent, pestering voice

Asking what you’ve managed to remember
Before passing out atop your bed
Wondering how it’s managed to come to this
And what the **** was going on inside your head

Because now the sun has risen
To cast light all over my shame
Cutting straight into the darkness
That hid my face and name

Blurry, awful recollections
Swirl around inside my mind
I try not to search too hard
Because I’m scared of what I’ll find

It’s amazing how I manage
To keep myself afloat
When every ******* weekend
I poke more holes inside my boat

You ask me why I do this
Believe me, I wonder the same
There are many reasons, honestly
But I think that I’m mostly to blame

I allowed myself this problem
I’ve allowed me to be used
I cry when people punch me
Then I pick and poke the bruise

So then it starts to heal
And my reasons go away
There’s nothing for me to show for it
But the hurt chooses to stay

Still I smile and laugh and joke
Pretend that everything is fine
All the while wishing me and Misery
Weren’t so very intertwined

There is comfort in the sadness
Because there’s nowhere left to go
I’m already sprawled out on the ground
Each time Life hits me with a blow

What would happen if I were happy?
That’s a long way for me to fall
Rock bottom is much farther
When you’ve managed to stand tall

Of anyone, I know this
Having started from the top
And now that I’ve started falling
I just don’t know how to stop

As most would feel about me
I’m sure this fact would leave you stumped
I wasn’t pushed into this place
I wasn’t pushed; I jumped.  

There’s an enigmatic balance
In choosing to self-destruct
It’s brought on by other’s actions
And sustained by one’s own conduct

Then you’re stuck inside a circle
Of your own turbid caprice
Wondering desperately how and when
This cycle will finally cease

I lost my keys today
What a silly problem to have
But I'm devastated
Retracting my steps
Brings no relief
Because I just think of every choice
Every decision
And how it led to this moment
So now I know
After the recollections
The different scenarios
That could have occurred
All the little ways
It could've gone differently
All the options
To avoid this
I can tell you where I lost them
I know exactly
Where they left me
I know the moment
They disappeared
But it doesn't matter
This knowledge fails me
Because after all
The recollections
After all
The realizations
I still lost my keys.

You stole my heart, you little thief,
And now my writing too
So days go by, and I ponder how
I could have
Ever
Loved you.
Simple, Babe,
I don't.
Not now,
Not for eternity
But consolation comes in knowing you still think of me
Was it true, my sweet,
My heart,  
My personal pet peeve?
And though it pained to watch you go
I love to see you leave.
Find your life and far from me,
My room's too small for two.
And when you're lonely
Think of me.
And know I don't of you

Cross legged and blank-faced
I sit and wait
Flowers swaying in the wind
The sun shining in my face
Music and laughter play in my ears
A phonograph for things that I don’t feel

Dancing images all around me
Skirts twirling, feet jumping
I used to jump and twirl
I think
Before I finally sat down
Staring farther than they can see

I just knew
Bombs fall all around me
Earth splaying in clumps
Waiting for someone to find me
I sit and wait
Cross legged and blank faced

Lily was a pretty girl
With eyes a shining blue
And copper hair, much like the sun,
With an infectious smile, too

Top of her class in college
Men would stare as she walked by
And when her friends laughed at her jokes
No one could hear her sigh

Imitation was her flattery
Everyone knew her name
And of course it was no party
Unless beloved Lily came

Her family was perfect
Fully virtuous through and through
Making generous donations
To match each of Lily's red-backed shoes

So each day she returned from school,
To her mansion of a home,
Ignored the pestering phone calls
And sat quietly, all alone

Til one day Lily returned
Placing a note upon the shelf
Quietly grabbed her father's gun
And loudly killed herself

I like you like I like to
Refrain from breaking a hip
I like you like I like to
Not fall and bust my lip
I like you like I like
Not being stung by a bee
I like you like I like
Not having Stalin next to me

I like you as much as
Acid burns the skin
I like you as much as
The Holy Ghost likes sin
I like you as much as
My car stuck in a ditch
I like you as much as
My phone's each technological glitch

I like you like I like
Bashing my head against a wall
So I guess I really don't like you
No. I don't like you at all.

For years so jealous I have been
Of those who excel with the brush
And envy those who make beautiful
A blank slate with the slightest touch

I tried my hand at drawing
Tried my hand to hide results
And my attempts at painting?
Rembrandt would label them an assault

But then I found a pen
And in this pen there was some ink
I found a page of blank paper
And sat down before I could even think

The words, they flowed like rivers,
Streams of life for the soul
Feeding my every desire
To reveal stories never before told

I have no use for charcoal
No use for chalk or paint
And a canvas is too small
Mocking me with its constraint

My pen is my paintbrush
Blank pages my inspiration
For my words are my works of art
*The beauty found in their formation