Spiders roam through my open ears
there are slugs in my mouth
there are flies in my eyes

these are my disguise

hiding in my mind
body inhabited by bugs
never to be seen again

You were there
and then you weren't

you left so **** suddenly

I didn't miss you at first
i was sad you left

You haven't answered me for over a week
you're too busy for me now

i guess you found someone better
just like i said you would

you steal everything from me
my style
my friends
my name

It hurts when you take what's mine, and make it your own

but it's better than I could have ever done

cacophonous crying

screaming sabotage

all of this noise
not being heard

or not being said

getting yelled at by someone you love
the'yre shaking with anger
angry by what you have done

and you don't have the ability to care
cant find it in yourself to
understand that they're saying
cant see why they're upset

you know what you've done is stupid
but you don't care

sleep for 4 hours max.
forget to eat
pick up a new hobby
like smoking
or snorting

never cry in front of anyone
ever
build your walls out of concrete
and barbed wire

never let anyone in
you will regret it

be insensitive
hurt the people around you
cause them pain

maybe they will leave you
before you leave them

Everything hurts
the only thing keeping me going most of the time
is the pills prescribed to me

I don't want to do this anymore

im tired

everything angers me
these trivial classes im forced to sit through
i just want to scream
and tell them all what i think
but i wont do that
so i will suffer
in silence

I'm Exhausted
Always watching what i say
so as to not upset the people around me
making them feel better before i do
Being there for everyone else

If i talk to them about how i feel
it just makes them feel worse
talking them off the edge
while I'm hanging from it
is the hardest thing I've ever had to do

you all scream profanities like there's nothing to lose
she looks so frightened in front of you all

you're so loud and shes so quiet
you're so rude to her

she doesn't deserve that

I should be sleeping

Set reminder

You’re not funny
Not happy
Not good enough

But you know what?
I’m fine lol

Why must I be depressed?

I watched every car

Hoping it was you

Here lies
All of my lies

An epitaph

I’m sorry that I find this house suffocating
I’m sorry that the home that you have created for me is no longer good

I’m sorry I’m so clingy
I’m sorry I’ve made you my emotional support without your permission

That wasn’t fair of me

In time
Everywhere
Makes me feel
Like I’m
S U F F O C A T I N G

The only cells
In my body that
I love are
The dead ones

Crying Prozac tears tonight

I’m learning
How hard it is
To run
From your problems

How do you do this?
The fight with your brain that the empty is there and you just want to get rid of it but you can’t figure out how

It’s like a car crash,
You drive a little fast, a little recklessly one too many times
But what could go wrong?
Nothing has ever gone wrong before
So you go a little too fast
It’s not your fault if somebody else is drunk
You didn’t make that decision for them

You wake up in the hospital
Bandages around your arms
Broken legs from trying to lift yourself up when you were crushed

And you swear to never drive again
That was too close
You could’ve died

But the next day
You have to go to school
Your parents have already left for work

You slip into that familiar drivers seat
The steering wheel fits perfectly around your hands
The grasp just right,
The grooves from where you nervously rip your hands
And you find yourself accelerating
Faster and faster

There’s already been an accident once
What’s the chance of a second one?

I hate it when people say stuff like:
“You’re so brave for battling your depression like that”

I am not battling it
Not anymore
The harder I fight back the worse it gets
So I am living with it

We made peace together,
Not a functioning peace
But it is calm

Like the calm before a storm
Or a fire

Because it is quick to ignite itself at the slightest able chance

So I am not battling depression

I am battling myself

I’m sad today

When I’m at work
Sometimes I am a total *******
I believe it’s to make my coworkers hate me
So when anxiety creeps up and tells me
That none of my coworkers like me

It’ll be true this time

Why the hell would I want to torture myself like that?
That’s absolutely crazy to do that

Yet here I am

I saw the help button on here
I almost impulsively pushed it
Trying to get help for myself
Then I realized that the button
Is if anything goes wrong
On this site
Not with me

Hahaha

The longest relationship I have
Is the most toxic one in my life
I wish I could end it
But I just keep getting pulled back in

There comes a time,
And for a while she leaves me alone
And I think she is gone

But then she is back
Asking for money like a deadbeat dad
Except I have no money
I already have it to her

So she carved the money out of me
Rectangles of my skin
Hung and dried
A terrible form of currency

But it pays her off
For a while

Good morning
Good morning depression
Good morning self loathing
Good morning anxiety
Good morning ADD

Good night stability
Good night happiness
Good night understandings
I’ll see You later

When I finally wake up from this nap

I realized
People with depression describe it as sad
People who are sad describe it as depression
Why can’t we figure out that they are not the same?

these old wounds that mar my skin
etched into the memory of myself
these bodies have memories
and if mine were made into a movie
it would be one hell of a horror story

i was raised in a nice home with good parents
and plenty of food for me to eat
and plenty of clothes for me to wear
so why do i bear these scars

i have an incredible support line
people who love and care about me
even my co-workers see that
why can't I?

if our happiness was determined by our support system
then i would be the happiest ******* person on the planet

my tombstone will read:

took so much
gave so little

gone so soon
but not soon enough

my lover is leaving
dancing far away with another
her name, Nin
and as she goes
so does Will
Will who?
Will to live, of course
Nin and Will run far away
leaving gaps in the seats of the theater
empty spaces that will be filled
with people clothed in red
wearing masks labeled
happy
love
nice
giving kisses that leave you empty
flowing out into the bedsheets,
the bedsheets that you and Nin used to hide under
when the thunderstorm hit
when the lightning flashed
and you and Nin watched movies
until Will came in and tucked you to sleep
taking Nin with him,
and you would sleep peacefully,
knowing that they are right outside the door

but when you wake up
there is somebody else in your house
in the spaces that should've been filled
they whisper their names,
they could never speak loud enough to be noticed
Mia
Ana
Nia
There will be no more calm in this house
it is filled with the sound of shattering glass
breaking bones and ripped clothes
ring through the shell of a house
the house that once stood tall
now slumps in front of a heavy backpack
not able to be heard or seen

and you wait for the return of Nin
and for Will to make their way back in

and they come back
in the form of a blue pill
oblong in shape, and glimmering in the light
almost as beautiful as Nin was
and the ingredients on it say
Serotonin

I take the pills that are given to me
sometimes a few too many
but what are they there for?
if not to help
the Prozac burns while it clings to the walls of my throat
because i tried to take it without water
because if i drink water
then my body will think i care about it
and i don"t

GOOGLE:

how to help someone
when you cant even help yourself

the feeling that what i did was right
telling someone else
i am not equipped for the pressure of keeping another person alive
i can barely find it in myself to stay alive
i need to sleep
i don't want to be awake anymore
the feeling of being useless is killing me
i need to be heard so that i know you are listening
im sorry that these things went down in this way
but i am not sorry for the decisions that i made
to get help
for you
when i am not good enough to help you myself

i try to write on my own
without having someone it read
but it is very hard to keep everything to yourself
they say to let it out in a journal
but where does it go from there
it stays in your back pocket
or in your backpack

i write for myself
but for people to read
and to see

theres a phrase
**** hit the fan
i wonder who is throwing the **** up
there has to be a reason that the **** ended up on the ceiling
it didnt just happen
playing with fire will get you burned, but who cares about the scars as long as they are covered.
why are you throwing the ****?
i cant understand.

when someone is sick, their body gets feverish, their body tries to purge the sickness from them, forcing it out until they get better, or die
my body is fighting an infection inside my brain. there is no fever no chills, no shaking. the only way to see the infection is to wait
wait until it gets so bad that it starts showing up on your body
in the form of red lines or dark bruises, there is no beating this infection. it is in every atom of my being, i have to learn to live with it
or die from it.
and sometimes my body just gets too weak to keep fighting
i think that it is the end, that there will be no more sickness. but i claw my way back up, to just above the surface, breathing in the air, and making sure that i am still fighting. i am still alive.

to the woman who scowled at me when i was working
it made me sad, scared, afraid
i thought i was doing something wrong
your rudeness cut to my core
and you dont even care
today was a bad day for you, so why **** on mine?
maybe i shouldnt be so delicate
so willing to get hurt
maybe i should just close everybody off
spiral back down into that dark grey
get stuck in the mud
push everybody away
go home
be alone
again

these words that we are writing
spewing out into a hungry void
looking for the best lighting
to showcase our masks
show how not broken we are
how free that we can be
how we are not weighed down by tar
stuck to our feet
when we try to get free
we scream to be heard
but need to see
that we
are free

my head is wired a little different
the need to not be scowled at
not be ignored
to allow work to be just work
and not an escape
not something to bring relief
when you cant hold still
when you cant move
and you just beg for forgiveness

words scrawled across my skin
words that i cant read
only feel
they carve themselves into my flesh
a constant reminder that they are there
and i am nowhere

and even though i cant take the pain from the words
the pain will fade
it always does

until there are more words to be carved
printed into my skin,
never to be forgotten
but not quite remembered

my science teacher has no anxiety

i wonder what thats like

the monsters in my bones
clay away at my skin
begging to be let out
like a dog seeing a squirrel
the rip and tear away at me
destroying me from the inside out

falling apart
in shreds at your feet

will you help
put me back together?

my head hurts
i am sick
isnt it obvious
cold then hot then cold again
i have to have a fever
this is real

i am sick.
sick in my head
sick in my chest
sick in my knees

that are scraped because
i just couldnt
stand anymore

everything is numb again
i'm back in that familiar grey
the grey that weighs down my shoulders
it lays on my chest and
traps my breath in my lungs.

theres a part of me
that hates my body
that wants to tear me apart
eat at my heart
and never let me breathe

****
these monsters in my bones
they claw away at me

my life my soul, my dignity
i need it back

please