I've always been here for you.
We may not say much or see each other often,
but you are my best friend.
Best friends are there for each other.
During the good and bad times.
I may only call when something is wrong because there's not much going on in between.
In between the bad times are things so insignificant they're forgotten about in a matter of hours.
I never thought anyone wanted to listen to me speak about nothing,
but I should have know you weren't just anyone.
You were the one good thing in my life.
You were...
You are the person I love the most.

I hope one day we can get back to how it was.
But knowing now how you feel, I know we never will.
So I guess this is goodbye.
We need to find happiness in ourselves,
and the first step is moving on.

My dear sunshine,
this is goodbye.
Goodbye on a very cloudy day.

Your toxicity is no longer killing me.
I no longer feel sick everyday, since I no longer think of you.
Memories of you don't leave me crippled with depression.
Memories of you only come every once in a while.
These memories are a reminder of how I will never allow myself to be treated.
You no longer scare me like you used to.
I have found peace and happiness without you,
and I will continue to live like this for the rest of my life.

Is it any wonder why my feelings for you just keep stronger and stronger?
You have an interest in my passion,
you do not rush me,
you do not make me do anything I'm uncomfortable with.
Overall, you treat me as a human being and for that,
I will always admire you.

Your apology meant nothing to me.
Your apology was not meant for me,
Your apology was meant for you.

Your apology was pathetic.
You only did it to save your mind from eating itself in the middle of the night.
Constantly chomping at the thought of our last conversation.
The one where you called me selfish because my feelings were hurt.
The one where you said we would never work because our trauma doesn't match.
The one where you said I couldn't possibly fathom being in the same house as my ******.
The one where you told me our relationship was a pool and you couldn't understand how I was able to dive in.
The one where you told me you never wanted a relationship.
The one where you threw me away like a rotten banana peel.

Like a banana,
I opened myself up to you.
Peeling my layers one by one.
I started to get bruises from all the nasty words you said to me,
you said to my friends, and
you said to my family.
But I was still good.
I was still a sweet, ripe banana.
You always knew how to make me feel ashamed for being a bruised banana.

You were right,
we will never work.
Your reasons were wrong.
We will never work because I was never what you wanted.
We will never work because you could not open yourself up to me.
There were things you kept from me that I never would have kept from you.
Our trauma doesn't match because I'm working through mine and you're still on the first step,
afraid of what the next step has in store for you.
I have learned how to handle my trauma while you still let it eat away at you.
You let your trauma control your life.
I won't let my trauma control mine anymore.

Our relationship was like a pool,
I was ready to dive head first into the deep end
while you stare at me from the steps,
unaware of how to swim.
Our trauma was like a pool.
I jumped head first into the deep end,
tackling my trauma head on.
Ready to face my fears,
confront my ******,
my abuser, and
my family.
You stood on the steps,
getting your toes wet.
With multiple swim floaties
and a group of people encouraging you to jump in.
You were afraid of what you'll find at the bottom.
Even with floaties and people cheering you on,
nothing will ever be enough.

We will never work because I cannot be the counselor you seek.

Would I still see a girl who is tired of constantly being misgendered?
Would I see a girl trying too hard at looking good?
Would I see a girl not trying hard enough?
Would I see a poor excuse of a partner?
A girl who cannot possibly love someone else because she cannot find love in herself?
Would I see a girl whose self hatred seeps through her body with every aching breath?

Or

Would I see a person whose gender identity is respected and valid?
Would I see a person who always looks good without any effort?
Would I see the best partner I could be?
Would I make you happier than you've ever been?
Even if I cannot love myself, would I still be able to shower you with all the love in the world?
Would I see a person whose confidence can light up a room?

I crave the thought of switching places for a day.
Not just because I no longer wish to be myself, but because I need to know if I am good for you.

If I wasn't afraid,
everyone would know my name.

It's all my fault.
All of this,
It's all because of me.

I loved you.
I thought you loved me,
But you didn't.

This pool of blood next to me,
is all my fault.
All. My. Fault.

There was a knock on my door.
It was you.
Your blue eyes shined brightly at mine as they always did.

But now, the light is gone.
The shine in your eyes has vanished
And it's all my fault.

I let you in the house,
"Why are you here?" I ask.
You slam the door and lock it.

Nervously I ask,
"What was that for?"
Your eyes were dark.

You gripped my hand tightly,
you lead me into the bedroom,
You shoved me onto the bed.

My head slammed into the headboard;
Hard, but not hard enough.
My head spun.

I vaguely saw you undress,
"What are you doing?" my voice slurred
as you tore off my pants.

I tried to say, "Don't," but I couldn't muster a word.
I put my hands up to stop you
But there was no stopping you.

A moment later, you're on top of me.
You forced my wrists down
And caressed my neck with your lips.

I tried to move
But your grip was too tight.
I could feel your hands leaving behind marks around my wrists.

I tried to tell you to stop.
You were hurting me.
But my voice was gone.

My vision blurred in and out of focus.
You squeeze me tighter as you forced your way in.
I gasped, the pain was unbearable.

I have to do something
The woman in my head showed me a vision that I knew would make you stop.
No, not that. Anything but that.

All I could feel was pain.
All I could see was your blurred face contorting in sync with your body.
All I could hear was a loud ringing in my ears.

"Stop," I whisper.
"Stop it."
"Please."

Your mouth went back to my neck.
You kissed me.
You bit me, hard.

"Get off!" I said loudly.
I had finally found my voice.
"Stop it now."

You didn't stop
The pain didn't stop
With each ****** my head throbbed.

The pain was never ending.
Tears streamed down the sides of my face.
A loud, terrified scream pierced my ear drums.

It took a moment to realize, it was me.
Both sight and sound were suddenly clear.
With an edge to my voice, "I said stop."

I ****** my knee up and hit you.
You loosened your grip on me.
I broke my hand free and sucker punched you in the jaw.

You rolled off of me and I was already on my feet.
I started to run toward the kitchen.
You chased after me.

I found the knife block
And drew the first one I saw.
I turned around, knife in my hand, you stopped dead in your tracks.

"Calm down babe.
Don't get yourself all worked up.
We were just having fun."

"Fun?" I screamed.
"You call that fun?
I'll show you fun!"

Not again,
My eyes rolled back into my head.
She took over.

"You'll pay for this," she hissed.
She had complete control over my voice, my body.
Please know I couldn't stop her.

Don't hurt him
I tell her.
But she doesn't hear me.

She raised my hand that clutches the knife.
"Die you miserable *******," she screamed.
She brought the knife down deep into your chest.

No!
Stop it!
Don't hurt him!

It's too late.

Your body dropped.
You laid there motionless,
Blood pooled all around you.

She released her grip on me.
I gasped for air and
dropped.

I sit here now next to you.
I hug my knees to my chest
and rock back and forth.

"No.
Why?
This can't be real.

You didn't mean it.
You didn't mean it.
You loved me."

I gently touch the marks on my wrists.
I wince.
"You didn't mean it."

This is all my fault.
I should have tried harder to stop it.
She just tried to save me.

She didn't mean it.
She can't help it.
You didn't mean it.

It's my fault you're dead.
I couldn't stop you.
I couldn't stop her.

She is just a part of me.
I needed help.
She was stronger.

You didn't mean it.

I want to know every single thing about you.

I want to know the way you wake up in the morning.
I want to know how you fall asleep at night.
I want to know what your morning routine is.

I want to watch you yawn and stretch in the mornings.
I want to watch you laying in bed like a burrito.
I want to watch your face light up when you read this.

I want to feel your arms around me.
I want to feel you sweep me off my feet.
I want to feel your hand in my own.

I want to know every single thing about you.

I've never felt this way about someone,
I look at you and I feel so many emotions,
depression, anger, hatred.

Every day, you tell me everything I do wrong,
"Drew we need to talk about what you're doing."
"Well good job you just ******* us over!"

Its the same thing every day I see you,
and frankly, I'm sick of it.

Get used to the fact that not everyone is perfect;
People make mistakes,
yes, I make more than most, but I'm done feeling like **** because of you.

So you know what?
*******.
I'm done.

"You didn't have to look my way,"
Every time your gaze would catch my own, my heart would flutter.
Your blue eyes made me weak with feelings of forever.
Your eyes always held the weight of your emotions,
every time you looked at me I could see the love you had for me.
Your eyes would be light as if they were a feather flying in a gentle breeze,
your eyes were the sweetest I had ever seen.

"You didn't have to say my name,"
Your voice was the most fascinating sound my ears had ever discovered.
Every time you called my name I thought I would melt into a puddle of the sweet sugar you made me into.
Your voice elegant and delicate, your words floated in the air like a bee searching for pollen to make the sweetest honey.
Your voice carried out the heavenly desire your eyes displayed.

"You didn't have to smile at me,"
Your smile never failed to dazzle me, it would ignite my circuits and start a flame.
Your smile would complete the look of love and awe your eyes and voice would hint at.
Until one day, your smile turned cold and no longer ignited a flame in my body.
Your smile disappeared as if it was all just an illusion.

"You didn't have to offer your hand,"
You offered your hand to me and off we went, sailing the seas together.
You were very helpful and supportive.
Until one day when your assistance was no longer useful.
Your hand did not rise to guide me but to strike me.
There was a fire in you still, but that fire was full of violence and gloom.

"Now you have to go,"
Your flames released embers that set a wildfire between us.
We begin a never ending tumble downhill filled with malicious words,
and ill will.
Your words sank deep and doused the fire inside my body; reducing me to ashes.  
You're keeping me captive and I can no longer be at your command.

"Set me free, my honeybee."