write.
write.
write.
you say speak
I babble - mouth leak
you say listen
but shift uncomfortable
when my eyes probe yours too deep.
you can’t handle  this
long, cavernous,
uncomfortable silence
this is where I live,
ravenous.

hungry
hungry
hungry

you say eat
but again,
your eyes won’t meet
my own
afraid I might devour
what’s left of
your power
so I starve.
starve.
starve.

Take it -
Just take it easy.
(****, he makes it easy)

With flattery, fluttering
eyes sliding,
all the way up my thighs

then melting me
back down
when he calls me “baby”

just rolls right off
that wicked quick tongue,
like nothing

“baby”

ratcheting up my heart
my breath
my blood

“oh baby”

melt me down again

“baby”
like its no big thing

*but it’s everything to me.

my soul is a blaze
eyes and heart
full
of things
my tongue is still to timid to say

but warm palms
and soft lips
put my stuttering thoughts
to rest
and my little voice
whispers
“it’s all going to be okay”

I know it.
I know it.
I know it.

It’s all going to be okay

I rage.

And not in that "hate is just another form of love" ******* way.

I Rage.

At my own **** decisions.
My own incompetencies.
My own cowardly impotence.

I RAGE.

Bearing the consequences of my failures
with attempted and failed
grace.

I RAGE.
GOD ******* ****!**

and then it's passed.

with a soft & skittish beat
she builds
the little muscle
left filled
     with holes & bruises

slowly now, little atrophied heart

you'll never find strength
under the weight
of walls

I stumble on those words;
"I love you"

So far from adequate
that my tongue
rolls itself in distaste.

But I offer it up anyways
(such a tiny totem)

and hope that you know,
hope that you see,
hope that you feel,

the sheer ecstasy that follows in it's wake…

intrigue
ignites quickly in me
as I search for
a word
a glance
a quietly whispered
GO!
to unleash
the patiently pacing
girl
who wants nothing less
than the world, or just her freedom.

but the seconds, days,years
pass
False alarms or missed moments?

*both are frequent

baby, baby, baby
hearts so full of
maybes

and hands so warm
with welcome
and lips full of promise
baby

but i’m still full of fears
maybes

and that little voice
keeps saying
“just let him love you
like a big, much needed stretch, a deep breath
purring, baby”

god, i wanna love you
maybe...

I speak in metaphors
feel in colors,  think in painted movie screens

My tongue a sluggish traitor
to the quick flashing shades in my heart

I try to

STOP.

RESET.

START.

but that train of thought has left the station
and editors start to intervene -
before new pictures come fully into focus, the domesticated directors in my mind yell
"CUT"
and that impish tongue obeys

I paddle the air
trying to stir up the scent of what was about to be -
but it refuses to come

ever loyal hands rush to my rescue
cupping temples and eyes
catching fallen thoughts
to later let loose upon paper

mine, my mothers, daughters
mouths stitched shut
so tightly kept hearts
would not cut
too deep

held so high
in minds
but bodies bound
in dark places
so their light could never blind

“they fear us, you know,
but you should never let their fear
shame you.”

Never dull your spark, my little one.

my bliss
is quiet morning
gentle waking
creamy sweet coffee

my bliss
is small hands holding,
bright eyes
calling "mommy"

my bliss
is bare feet touching
fingers digging, earth reminding
of roots yet laid

my bliss
is arms spread
rain drenched hair, mouth open
seeking communion with the sky

my bliss
is soft and rough
elegant, explosion of energy building
then quiet

my bliss*
is starlight,
windblown promises
that I am all and nothing right now

restless
loveless
wishing I could stress less
but I won't.

caged, trapped
ready to snap
I need to do something
but I don't.

love me
with hands open
ready for my own to intertwine
love me
without binds
that would only break
the soft things my soul longs to speak
to you
love me
love me
love me
*I do

As I am the offspring
of many a fantasy novel, and science fiction adventure, of horrific foes in all shapes and personalities, a child of heroes, damsels in distress and warrior princesses -

Naturally -

I expected a certain order to things.
I may have been
mistaken.

lost you love,
fingers to weak,
and atrophied arms
couldn't hold
the completeness of you.

All my supposed strength
was a sham
wasn't enough
was nothing

and I'm sorry.

*but i won't give up looking for you. because I feel you in my bones, in my blood, in my soul. I will never stop looking for you.

My forgiveness
     will not come from you -
     smiling, snake tongued
     liars.

     With your holier than thou eyes.
     and bitter hearts.

For now, I only ask it
     of myself.
For my fumblings, my fears -
     as I begin again.

I had resigned myself
to nothing real. To not feeling. To not needing.
And I was so sure I would be fine.

but YOU found the cracks
and a well timed wave
… of something …
hit like a train.
knocked out all the delusions of contentment

now, stuttering, gasping, dazed

and that lovely light in your eyes
threatens the dark I have become accustomed to

and I just don't know what to do...

one more step
away from static
and my stomach
lungs
heart
now reside
in my throat

another step
past familiar
and my hopes
and old dreams
start to sparkle
back to life

just one more step
and I can feel
the anticipation
of freedom
licking at my heels

*I feel so ready to run

deep breath.

too shallow
too quick
try harder

deep breath.
deep breath.

heart pounds
skin sweats
fingers shake

deep breath.
deep breath.

just breath.

You're like a wave.
Your ******* voice, in my head
coming and going,
Crashing into my silence.

My quiet moments
flooded with memories of dreams.
Enveloping me,
and your voice, the wave, rises.

Always there, conversing, debating, soothing, challenging
Reminding me that I am not alone.
BUT I WILL ALWAYS BE ******* ALONE.
Left wanting.

Chasing after shadows I know are not real.
Trying to convince myself they are not real.
Really, be logical - it is not real.
Leave me alone, get out of my head
You are not real.



*please be real

II.

Waterboarding

He's bleeding out now
sickly sweet syrup
pouring it straight down my throat
       (or trying to)
telling me to drink
and the more I struggle
and choke
the more he pours out
smothering both feathers and flight

ever apologetic for the the mess - but so sure
that if he keeps bleeding, keeps pouring
I will eventually see
how much he really loves me.

*but when drowning one only loves air

I.
Intimidation.

When his voice raises
I flinch

7 doors, 3 walls, 1 car
and dozens of small appliances and knickknacks
all know the consequences of this rage

There is a small knot in my back, too
that shudders
but that was just an accident.

"You know I would never hurt you, right?"

Maybe.

Maybe my head believes you.
But still
my body
flinches

I want him  like a frozen stick of butter wants a hot knife...
Cut into me, leaving a salty trail of melted **** in his wake...

Every hard part of me begs this release,
break me down,
free me from ****** little store bought boxes
I was never meant to fit in.

I was never meant to fit in.

at long last comes rain
washing clean air, earth and soul
green, she comes again

beginnings  bring
everyday anger
setting slings
of unfortune
upon girls
crying, innocents
dieing
bodies disfigured
all for
your disembodied
dieties

forcing your
HATE
crimes against
my sisters
little brothers
you’ve stolen
lives.

*******

and your
selfish ideologies
they were
just babies
with hands
beautiful hearts
dreaming sweetly

you are
lifetimes away
continents apart
just pray
you never
feel wrath
of this mother
this sister
this angry girl.

hold up. slow down.

my pendulum swung so fast
round and round

from the void of feeling
to hope - to anger - to hope - to desperation - to hope - to rage - to heartache - to hope -

then the explosion of feeling
burst to life in warm and welcoming hands
lust - love - lust - love - lust - love - love - love
and a deep seated need to be touched, to be seen.

finally.

exploded up like a banshee, screaming towards the sky
so fast. so high.
So fast. so High.
SO FAST. SO HIGH.

And I promised. I promised, love, didn't I?
This time.
Live bigger, Love better. Live better, Love bigger.
With eyes wide open
I breath, and I wake.

Remember:

bare feet flying across
ashy, sun scorched trails
cape of gold hair billowing behind
- camouflage in the golden brown scrubland

run. Run. RUN!

as far and as fast as growing legs could carry
racing the sunset
through fields, over hills, to the very top
you have to beat the sunset!

up there, I found peace,
alone, between sun and stars.
alone, between light and dark.

*remember who you are devon.

Body on fire
but no lover's hands will touch me tonight

Spine a crackling fuse
wanting, WANTING so desperately to bend and arch
under the weight of another

Skin wanting to melt under the heat of tongue and teeth

Hands
Such needy, craving hands -
They will hold nothing tonight

I am alone

I wear not my heart on my sleeve.
Its weight tears even the strongest of fabrics

I say not those words you saw dance across my face
they are to thick for air to hold
(and my tongue is often a traitor)

But if you really want me
you will find me
in the the silence and the moments
after eyes catch and before pretenses begin.

The long quiet slumber
shatters
with the heat
he summons so easily

My master fire starter.

Building me up
and setting ablaze
She
that has waited long,
           so long
to burst forth -

now,
now,
now,

I Wake.

she flayed herself open
at the alter of his brown eyes.
begging him
to burn off the cold.

it took EVERYTHING
in me

to walk away
to not touch

when every part of me wanted to turn around and crash into you with such force it would knock you flat.

with hungry hands, thirsty lips
a body that would bend (however you want it to bend)
a tongue that desperately wants to taste
limbs that want to embrace
and skin that craves the heat of skin



*what am I so afraid of?

the farther she steps
off the typically tread path

the darker the eyes upon her become.

the sudden realization
that these sheep
have teeth
and a mob-mentality, peer justified taste
for cruelty

In random moments
I whisper to myself to remember.

Remember this.

Sunlight glaring off ocean waves.
Wind whipping across the sand.
The salty, fishy, clean smell
brown and bubbly white seafoam streaks.
And my toes in sea and land.

Laughter of a little girl,
small fingers dig
building big castles.

*This is where I am supposed to be.

soft touches
and deep eyes
make this heavy heart
feel so light
and I mean light

elated, electric, light

as both comfort and urgency
burrow into my bones

It was painful
i will admit…
feeling so cold
so raw
like a carcass in a meat locker

Desperately craving his warmth,
but finding a chilly resistance instead
I shrunk back -
unsure...

Feeling terribly alone there…
in the dark,
listening,
listening,
to the deafening silence...

the light of his eyes
challenges and dares
the wild haired girl inside
that she thought had died

so long ago

and smiling eyes
bring the uncensored grins
of a once brazen soul

his hands granting reprieve
from the cold -
and finally,
She feels.

He makes me want to be brave again.

he rakes me
sharply, softly,
    with big, sturdy hands

watching the red spread
all the way down

the sudden intensity
sets my sleepy skin ablaze
and my consciousness uncoils
in the haven of his arms...

*good morning, love.

I meant to say
"I like hanging out with YOU"
Instead I said "I like hanging out here"

I meant to say
I Like You

Instead I said goodnight.

*It's safer that way.

the meat
of my soul
has been stretched
to far

thinned

my being
stumbles, deliriously
staggers

now open spaces
and voids
engulf & consume
tired logic

may sweet rest come
for weary bones

sink down
                

down


down


*into merciful dark

it has been too long my friend
you wrapped your arms around me
in a dream

And I remembered what it was
to feel safe
took comfort in your warmth

For a moment
I knew what it felt like
to be home

little love letters
emanate through fingertips
and soft kissing lips

These ****** hands of mine -
when there's only space between -
are good for nothing.

Ignorance and divinity are both vomiting over my mind, while i stand below them wondering if I should even bother to duck.
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
There are so many things to do, directions to take, propositions to be made – each one waiting on these silly little green permission slips. Even the simplest of happily ever afters comes with quite a hefty price.

I just want to get ***** making stuff, making art, making food, making love. Sleep and repeat.

Better stop
   before friendly arms
      are weighted with love
and do harm

Better stop
    the ruse,
       loads of lies
will not add up to truths

Better stop
     those sweet needy lips
        before touching
ends friendship

*you know it won't end well...

long slumbering parts
stir
as this new scent fills me
and unfamiliar energies
strike shivers down my spine...

hands, head, heart
lost for words

as all that I am
is reduced to
a collective groan...

*i want more.

The silence in my head/hands is deafening.
My head and hands jump
from full, brimming,
chaos -

To empty, dry
silence.

Parched, drained,
The only poetry left
is this silence.

*and I will give it all to you. if you'll have it.