I am not my demons
They are made entirely of me.

They are the cruelties I've suffered,
Presenting themselves like tornados through small towns.

Towns that don't seem like much at a passing glance,
But who's residents never doubt
The beauty and potential it holds
If only you stay long enough to notice it.

But how can anyone see the beauty in towns
That are forever being brought to ruins.
At the mercy of something as destructive
And unpredictable
As a **** tornado?

I walk in my mask of black and white
Mainly because I haven't blended my own colors right.
I hide in the day,
But I feel free at night.
All these colors that I show,
Wishing I could let them go.
These colors aren't me,
You're just seeing what you want to see.
So if the rain washed my mask away,
Would you still love me?
Would you stay?
Or would you be as shallow as the puddles;
Turn, and run away?
I want to show you who I am
But this mask is getting tighter.
I swear these colors aren't me,
If I remember, mine are brighter.

At night while you're lying in your bed, angry at the sleep your body is depriving itself of, I hope you think of me and I hope your blood boils.
When your brain is dancing, tangled and knotted with your demons from all realms of your life; past, present, future, and you feel your hands clench into wrecking ball like fists, I hope you feel my phantom hands close lightly around them reminding them the pain isn't worth it. And then I hope you swing anyway.
When you grip a hand full of your hair, I hope you feel my fingers brush the tendrils from your face, and then I hope you pull.
When you lean against the first solid object in your path, on both arms, just looking for something to hold you up, I hope you feel my arms snake around you and my breath on your neck reminding you to breathe, just breathe with me, like this, slow it down, match me. Then I hope you forget how to breathe all together and your legs give out and you fall, weak, to the ground.
While you're down there shaking with anger and sadness and heaving out tears you dare let no one see, I hope you miss my calmness.
And more than anything, I hope as every second plays out you know that all it would take is one call, and I'd be there to ease you out of the nightmare I know you're trapped in.
And then, I hope you choke to death on the thought of letting someone like that go.
And I hope for your sake it was worth it.

I do everything with you in mind
But you could live without me.

You're not easy to read, and that scares the hell out of me.

Because you see, I'm a writer.
And when I can't read one's story, I begin to feign my own.

And well, I've never had a happy ending.

If I lay blade to skin
Will I bleed out all the toxins that make me so undesirable.

If I rip open flesh
Will I tear away the pieces of me that repel.

Will the anger and loneliness seep from the wounds
Leaving me whole again.

Can't I just pretend

The truth is, regardless of how badly I want to, I can't find it in me to risk saying to you all the things I so badly want you to know. It's risky.

I know exactly what I want to say,
The words constantly dance
At the tip of my tongue
Always at the worst times.

But whenever a window of opportunity opens
My mouth forgets what it's purpose is
And my brain forgets what words are
Or what they even mean
And my heart forgets to beat at a safe pace
Instead threatening to ****** itself out of my chest
And into your face
And how could that not scare you off?

I cannot scare you off

So I tell you never mind
And I hate myself a little more
As I let my ear press against your chest
Somehow allowing all my life's worries to subside
With that the window slams shut.

I can't risk this.
You bring a calmness to the hours of my life
That are otherwise a hurricane of sorts
And well, I'm not trained in swimming
I always only drown

I try to put my thoughts of you, this, us, whatever this is or isn't and how it makes me feel..I try to put all of it into words. I don't even care if they're beautiful or not at this point, I just want them to be in word from so I can clear the mental space.
But I'm starting to realize that the reason it won't happen, the reason I have no free mental space is because you have driven me to the point of a depressing, thrilling, painful, madness.
And I'm addicted to the slivers of blissful hope found buried within the shards of confusing misery you leave behind in my bed.

To even think you want me
Is wishful thinking done to death.

You just don't want to be the one to break me.
But you're what breaks me best.

You've become the crawling in my skin
The rollercoaster dropping of my heart
The bad dreams that wake me to my own screams
The lack of courage I battle with
The anger in the pit of my stomach
The cries lost in my pillow
The loneliness that consumes me
And I didn't even lose you
I never even had you

what is this
        A game

How do you win
        Make it out alive

Do we use pawns*
        Your heart will do just fine

You untangle our limbs,
Climb groggily out of my bed.
Redress, tell me not to get up, to salvage a few last hours of rest. Quick kiss, then you slip out into the limbo of the wee hours of the night and the crack of dawn.
Lonely, I instinctively roll to invade the side of my bed you claim as yours,
Thinking if I wrap myself in your sent before it fades I won't feel so alone.
But somehow you never seem to leave a trace.
It's like you were never here.
So I remain lonely.

Never ever have I been the one, people willingly, eagerly, go out of their way for. I'm always an option, never a priority, never a desire.
But I will forever be the one bending until I break, with the purpose of being there for any soul that needs me, even if just as a temporary relief.
But you don't actually want me.

The emptiness of a room crushes me
There is no greater weight I know than that of being alone.
When clocks stop moving
And thoughts start racing
Slowly I go mad.
Before I know it I'm shaking
There's wars going on in my head.

The whole world becomes a blackness
My life seemingly a joke.
The air has been removed from my lungs.
Replaced with water
I choke.

The demons crawl out from my ears
I watch them dance around the room.
"We're your only company" they bid
But it's a death sentence I've always known.

Just want me
I whisper now
Because if another does not want me,
**I do not want myself

Can't you just pretend that I am what you want?

I should have tried harder to be better. Instead I was myself.

You'll never love me now.

I can't stop setting myself up for failure.

While you're out there
living

Remember

You're only living off the life you're ******* from me.

I already know this will not end in my favor.
You'll decide against me.
You feel no thunder,
and I'm lost in the storm.
You see no art,
while I'm in awe at the museum.
I'm not where you want to be.