sun kisses your face
your scent forever present
no noise but the waves

she cowers down
her cape draped around her shoulders
holes litter the shawl
allowing the snow to chafe her

the raw air punches her face even as she attempts to cover it
she dreams of invisibility
that the cape was transparent and white like the snow and the forest
that the darkness could encompass her
but it doesn't

she still hears footsteps breaking branches
deafening in her ears
her fear is palpable
it feels heavy and suffocating
her eyes are clutched tightly shut
afraid to see what will develop or appear

louder now
the footsteps
a branch nearby snaps
the wind slows down
quiet for only a few moments
but she knows that's what she should fear most
the silence before the storm

fingers swiftly scratch at her cape
rip whip marks through her backside
so severe she can feel the blood before it comes
she wails but nothing comes out

the hand snatches her
his long slate fingers pulling her towards him
his nails stabbing her skin
too much pain to even cry

she waits for the bus
feels the fat pooling around the top of her jeans
like drunken donuts
the white milk licking the sweat
off the insides of her thighs
her muffin top
round cheeks
stare back at her in the passing car's windows
reflecting her embarrassment

she stares down at the ground
thinks she'd rather starve than be fat
tears pressing at the corners of her eyes
the bus comes
her stomach growls
she gets on the bus
decides to order a pizza when she gets home
tells herself
she's had a hard day

I wish I could take photos on the rain like photographers
perfect light bouncing off beaming rain drops
pictures that cause people to feel something
instead I walk through the puddles
my eyes still tired from last night's party
the drugs still whispering through my veins
it's all a routine, isn't it?
if you don't feel anything?
just get up
move on
get it done
go back home
do it again
and then I'm standing in a river looking at the sun set over two bridges in Yosemite and I feel something
a moment of satisfaction
of exhilaration
and the routine is all but forgotten again

"Just drop me off at the next corner.
I need to get out."

I'm amazed I've lasted this long
I have a **** in my side
that's got to be puncturing my spleen or liver or something by now

I stumble out of the car poorly
hand the driver a $100 dollar bill
and as he speeds off
my eyes adjust to the lack of light he left behind

I look around for an awning
pick the black garbage bag up from the damp ground
feel its weight in my sweaty hands
heavier than before

I pull it along side me to the back side of a bar
toss it gently on the ground
I feel fortunate I've found an awning
as it begins to rain again

I finger the scratch marks she's left on my arm
allow the rain to wash away the blood
as I glance at the garbage bag again
and start to choke up

My tears burn my cheek
begin to irritate my eyes
I feel lonely so I pull the top of the bag back just a bit
and look at her eyes
the skin around them is turning blue
blood's pooling at her mouth

The tears start up again
I'm sobbing like a baby without a bottle
as I lay down next to her
it
place the metal muzzle against my spleen or liver or whatever
watch it blow out the right side of me
and that's it
I see black

I swear I could be better*
the car sways through the hills
I feel your pants press against mine
just a piece of fabric separating
your skin from mine

my palms are sweaty
my heart stuck in my chest
my mind racing to bed sheets & sweat
the secret we could have
oh, the mess we could make*

you walk away and don't say a word
our silence sexier than the anticipation