I used to do drugs for fun,
and sometimes I still do.
Mostly, I use them to run
from feelings I get addicted to.
It's hilarious to say how ironic it is,
the paradox I live.

So, tell me... What does life mean to you?
To me, it is like a facade or an illusion.
You find what feels most real and live with it.

The majority of people are logged into the same "server",
but that doesn't make the ones who see purple people
or talk to higher powered entities from other dimensions
any different from one another

There is truth in our words,
but I think the truth is beyond human language, for the most part
If we ever figure out the mystery, it will probably be verbally unexplainable


The veil is lifted little by little,
every day we grow older we FEEL the truth, even unconsciously
but it is there, believe me
and when we die the veil will be lifted


to find that we chose to live this life we previously lived
and chances are, we will choose to live again

Your heart is made of silicone
I know, because it bends and changes form
I shake and I tremble
Because I don't know if you'll love me tomorrow

Your head is made of marble
I know, because it's hard and chiseled a newly mood
I shake and I tremble
Because I don't know if you'll remember me tomorrow

Your eyes are made of rollers
I know, because you never look at me for too long
I shake and I tremble
Because I don't know if you'll find me beautiful tomorrow

Your feet are made of amphetamines
I know, because you always walk away and around
I shake and I tremble
Because I don't know if you'll be here when I wake up tomorrow

you're the snake
coiled around my throat
snapping my vocal chords







to: my tongue

"One time, me and Steph went to South America and stayed in this motel.  We didn't have much money back then so we tried our best to just have fun anyway.  We stayed at cheap motels across the world, we never stayed there much though so it's not like it really mattered. But, we were in South America this one time and we were on the balcony smoking cigarettes, having coffee at 2 A.M. and reminiscing about our pasts.  She had such a heavy heart. She would tell me with a cheeky little grin "Yeah, I did a lot of bad things I'm not proud of, Tony.  I'm pretty glad I did all those bad things, ya know? Those bad things led me to you.  Those bad things **** well hurt, but they led me to you. Those bad things were worth it, Tony." And at 2 A.M., things always got a lil deep for her because she believed any time past 12 was a time to really think.  So, sometimes she would have a good cry and I'd hold her. I think that memory of us on the balcony in a strange new country having coffee, cigarettes, and chats really stuck in my head because it was a time in our adventure where you could tell things had their pause.  It was a memory that lasted longer than the few hours it actually did.  I still remember the taste of that cigarette and that cup of coffee. I remember the texture of the blanket she had wrapped around her slim, shivering body. I remember how meaningful her innocent tears were.  Yeah, the view was pretty, but I wasn't really concerned about what was beyond that balcony because I was too busy savoring her presence."

"I've been scraped back up so many times that I am finally in the raw.  It's a little funny-sad how it took all these past mishappenings with other people for you to be blessed with the best version of myself.  I guess finishing last is a good thing, huh? Now, I have experienced a lot of events in this short lifetime of mine and I have figured out something about this world. It's a little tough and it won't ever wait for me- or you- or anyone. But,  I have found a secret to surviving this big world. Be impulsive. Let's leave, let's do what we want, let's not care about every day ideas. Let's be selfish, together. I love you more than the air. Let's live until we can't." - Stephanie Darcey

"Stephanie Darcey, what a hell of a girl. She was something different, like the girls you dreamed of bein' with who were from movies and such.  There was so much to her, she never ran out of words to speak. I don't know how many times I had to stop her mid sentence, because if I hadn't I would of been sitting in my own silence all night. But, boy, I sure loved that 'bout her.  She looked like she was born yesterday, and I mean in a good way. Not the kind of way you'd usually think.  I mean, she looked like she saw the world for the first time every *single day. A twinkle in her eye, yep.  Steph wasn't insecure either, and if she was... Well, she was real good at hiding it.  I am not quite sure how she did it, but I think she actually achieved perfection.  She did nothing wrong to me.  She wasn't submissive, but she wasn't wanting me to cater to her every beck and call.  She had balance, and I think she was a lot more beautiful than the girls on the T.V.  I loved her so much and I still do. Steph was untamable. So, what did I do? What any man would do if he was madly in love. I went with her, we went everywhere. We experienced what life was to us. She was getting lost in jungles while I was getting lost in her."

Dining on copious amounts of serotonin
Dopamine fiend
I get called a terrible teen
Lack of melotonin

Sleepless dreams
Of seizing opportunities
But I don't participate in life; truancy
I guess I'm nothing more than another one of ******'s machines

Dehydrated tears from my eyeballs shoving
I play pretend with emotions, childlike
Aware life is no game, yet I play
Because I am a bored teenage wannabe sociopath

I try to not try hard, you do it too
Some kind of popular nature we [teenagers] conform to
No problems, we will seek them/pleasure or pain
Or our bodies will feel the wrath, I can never just sit there

When we fell in love
The sky was blue
And it was new.
When everything was good
The sky was blue
And I wanted to be you.
When you said forever
The sky was blue
And we would stick as glue.
When we had our first fight
The sky was blue
And I had no clue.
When I drove away crying
The sky was blue
And I had not a single clue.
When we felt disconnected
The sky was blue then too.
When we lost each other
The sky then was the darkest blue.
...*I think the sky is still blue.

The birds are debating.
It's 5 A.M.
Why the **** am I awake?

a prickling tickle I get from a love that's fickle
is sometimes desirable to a girl young and nimble
her mind is more rapid than the body itself
wants to feel her seat being tugged out from beneath her

she is aware a fickle love is unstable
her parents are a prime example of that label
give me the sweet gore that comes with
ever-changing pursuits of psuedo-fun

Abuse can be present and still be so subtle that the person doing the abuse and the person experiencing the abuse don’t realize what is happening at the time. Not everything is text-book perfect, in life. Not everything is black and white. Abuse isn’t always intentional. Screaming every day, ignoring every day, choosing partners over child, choosing partners’ offspring over your own child, belittling, singling out, calling out, never touching, quick changing-environments (moving in with boyfriend’s after only a couple months, risking child’s safety—which includes mental health)…..is a form of abuse and neglect.  Please understand that I must emphasize how this was literally every day of my life. Constant chaos is all I know.

I am a warrior. I just haven’t reached the good part of that story in my life, yet. I like to think someday, all this **** I went through was for something.  I hope that something is me becoming strong. I hope I truly understand how to use the pain of the past as a tool to get me through tougher times. I hope that this wasn’t all for nothing. I will never recreate that hell for my own child, that’s for sure.

soft spokenly
a token of gratitude
to thee
what seems as imperfection
is great perfection
to me
never change
never want to be
some one else's arrange

Keep your family close...

It's easy to forget about the people who are near you every day.
Don't take them for granted.
They are the answer to all your problems, in a way.
My grandmother hugged me today.
We both cried over my dying grandfather and her dying soulmate.
This death will bind us, bind the time I took for granted---No more of that.
I have made a pact to take care of her damaged heart--differently damaged, beautifully damaged heart.
It's broken like my grandfather's, who has a short time-span.
I'm as scared as he is.

Life *****

Couldn't see the beauty in me
******* someone else will someday
Done not being good enough for you

why is chaos the only form of consistency in my life?

Women don't get as much done because they're always busy justifying themselves.