Sometimes I forgot
why I hold my breathe
but I do it anyways.
It's more out of habit,
like how my cat licks herself
a thousand mindless times.
But sometimes,
I remember!
I am so lucky to have these lungs,
to have this chance.
I remember, to be gentle
to myself.

no,
I am not a gate keeper
and if I was
I'd be a bad one at best.
Loose screws and chicken wire
am I nothing more than a broken fence
for every right I appeal
seems to stir up your defense
why is my heart so open
and your hands so greedy
digging into my soil
why can't my words
and my hurt
loosen my jaw enough
to over ride my logic
to take that chance away
from hurting you
by asking for what space
is rightfully ours
to share.

Before long,
and day after day
the universe still asks me
to open up wider
than I had ever thought possible
my heart
for the world to be consumed
by my love and understanding
my deep and turbulent ocean
can still give
more
than impossible
and that can never be stolen

it's never too early to pack up your whole life
of memories and hopeless grudges.
Pounds of paint
scraps of metal
half read medical books
screws and nails

I'm moving out tomorrow  
and boy am i excited
to pack up my belongings.
I'm excited to stop crying in this room
about a future that's unforeseeable
and a past that's unchangeable.

I'm excited to experience a ****** in my next bedroom
to christian the living room couch with my ***
to ***** the backyard with my hands
with potting soil and seeds

I know not what I am
But I sure as hell am scared
Sometimes I catch a glimpse
and wish I had not dared.

I haven't been myself I mumbled,
it's been a short 4 years.
Yet everyday I am humbled!
to be honest with my fears!

Surviving off whats left of my self loathing
are the devilish voices that I used to feed.  
Watering my mind's garden is refreshing
and THAT'S the energy that I need!

I don't want to be made
to feel broken
For wearing my heart out on my sleeve.
Stop making me feel broken
for wearing my heart out on my sleeve.
But I would like to thank you

For making me feel complete.

I have finally noticed

That I am all that I need.

be with someone who starts a fire
brings the kindle
glows when you are near
and brags about your warmth
not someone who retreats
when you crackle

be with someone who wants to sink deeper
than the choppy surface
behind your sarcasm
beyond the distance
and still sees your worth
not someone whose scared
by your preferences

i am washing my face
he still wont look at me
i am dancing to his music
he still wont look at me
i am timidly talking to him
he still wont look at me
i am watching him talk with you
he watches you so carefully
i wonder what he sees
when he holds your gaze considerably

when I say
I want to run away
please take me seriously
when i say i feel alone
please reassure me i am not
lately I am trapped like a dog
inside myself
no love gets past this cage
I don't deserve it anyways
the voices yell
and my doubt lends an ear
when I joke this is it I'm going to leave!  
simply tell me
don't?
please, stay awhile?
Wake me up to the harsh reality
that people care and I am not alone.
when I show up for you,
and they open the door
isn't that all the reassurance you need?
Tell me
don't be silly and ask them to chase after you
because it is only your doubt that will follow

let me paint my morning for you
I'm alone, in my room
it's a stormy summer morning
And we are sitting around talking

today we're wondering what to do.
Depression sulks deep into the sheets
"why get up! you don't have plans"
and the alarm begins to buzz
Optimist whimpers "its still early, I can get up and get rolling" but no one is moving
Hopeless Romantic dreams "maybe the mail man will come through and ask me how I'm doing"

today I woke up crying
       today I went to the gym
    and I forgot why I ever stopped going
today I told my friend I loved them
    and that we all have doubts, it's human
       today I ate my feelings through another salad
   and I told myself that it's okay, this is okay
today I walked around the lake
    and thought about how long it'd take to drown
  today I will apologize to my old best friend
I told them I wasn't good to them back then
  today I told my therapist I'm spiraling, and he said it was okay
     He said we are all struggling. Just trying to figure it out because no one's got it figured out
   today I was excited to keep learning
today I was not
  And I told myself that it was okay
   today I couldn't get of bed because I felt nothing towards school
   But I did get up eventually
but today I saw myself as someone capable of doing so much better
   and today I woke up with purpose
      and forgot why I ever stopped believing.

Stuck in a rut called desperation
I must really hate my motivation
Can't see the light of inspiration
looking down the tunnel of procrastination
Crawling out in moderation

In the future, I will have already missed you
I can just imagine you on the subway somewhere real busy. You'd be sitting there with your legs crossed with a book's pages sprawled out on your lap, like how I used to be. The lights shining in your eyes so you're not really looking up, but your letting the warmth in. The seats rattle and you're looking out the window.
         Maybe I just want to imagine a place where you're doing better and you aren't so anxious all the time. Somewhere you feel successful and accomplished and like college wasn't a waste.
        More realistically I can imagine you sitting on your phone, headphones in, shoulders slumped, eyes darting. You're on your way to somewhere busier than before. Just for work. A life in the city wasn't meant for you, I know that because you told me. And I listened.
        You're probably wearing something that screams you're gay and diligent about this interview, or this daily commute. There's a stabbing pain I get from thinking about you. How truly independent you have finally become. Thinking of you now is like hoping we had something more. Wishing I meant more to you then. Wishing I had made some kind of impact on this stoic statue.
      I envy what you're like to the people you can't help but love, and I'm saddened that I never got to experience you like that.
      Lucky me, I'm never going to be the one you drive two hours for. I wish the short hours I gave you made you feel special. Maybe felt, something more.

Now here you've got me
like a scene from a cult classic movie.
my legs trembling for a heart gauged open
and blood dripping
down your face
Tell me- when was the first time you saw me in pain?
Some can say,
soaked before the rain
they noticed me pray

that'll be the morning
When you feel me through the sheets
even after hurting
myself so deep
Have I told you the story of who I was yet?
Have I done a good enough job
convincing you
Why I love me
and why you should to

I've been sleeping in odd places
next to a ***** blanket
on the floor of this cold apartment.
I get little sleep because my insomnia
keeps saying ridiculous ****
and its starting to scare me.

I find myself frozen when he asks me
Do you think you know yourself
He tells me I care too much about the answers
I tell him he isn't very good company.
He tells me I try too hard for others
that I'm only going to get my heart broken.
I tell him it's still worth it
He crawls closer to the couch
and impersonates my crying.

I've been sleeping in odd places
next to a confused womanizer
on the bed that can't stop squeaking.
They never look at me directly
they can't afford to find attachment
under these eyes of mine
when it's only the cuffing season

I've been sleeping in odd places
next to my anxiety
on the floor of my mind.  
I'm clutching onto these odd moments
like little snippets of my life
I'm trying to piece myself together
with all the bad that I have done

blood rushes under my skin
as you leave me in a panic
my eyes blur at the sight of you leaving me
alone, again
stuck in this heat.
I could do without the teasing
but I see it has no meaning

It is familiar but new
like visiting an old park
where you are my new swing
and I am sitting where I always sit
wrapped around another finger

but even at this desk we are too close together
you say little and I fear I say too much
you study stats as I study the way you sigh,
how you look away when you talk,
and how tired you look right now.

I will stay because  
I feel something strange when we embrace
enough to make me want you after hours
we cuddle ****, huzzah! but do you even like me?

hello again depression, I knew you would be back.
When I hit another low
even though I am alone
I feel myself surrounded,
by the chattering crowd below.
Drown out by my heart beat
that suffocates my mind
I breathe through the contractions
and casually check the time
I've got nothing planned today
but to get my *** in line

i want to be an artist
but only by my own hand and heart
because I have finally decided
that I am the only voice in my head that matters!
No amount of pity comparison
from some unwanted third party
will give me justice
I want everyone
whose ever told me that my work is
"better than anything they could've done",
to stick their half-assed compliment
right back where it came,
from the depths of their pitiful ego.
As if their low self esteem would get me anywhere
when sadly it doesn't, actually,
I feel like my art isn't worth **** when told that!
It leaves me feeling unsatisfied, like the feeling you get
when your'e awarded the participation medal..
I wan to scream at the people who think they can give
criticism in envy
I want them to shred my canvas to its very sketch
I want them to throw it off the roof
in a fit of anger and disgust.
I want them to set it a blaze in ridicule.
I want someone to snap it over their knee
and challenge my ideals.
But no, instead I will receive a measly
"well at least it's better than I could've done"

Lately, I've been feeling very afraid
of my friends and family
and those who think less of me.
I confide in some, but not all
I don't think tonight was a good call..
When I hit my head and saw clearly for once
I see the thoughts that you want to hide

Who do you doubt
when your trust has been ****** back at you
with the lies spread out on the table in front of you
whose to blame when the knot is just too much
to untangle
when the petty **** becomes ammo
Who would've thought that
standing up to my doubts
would mean standing alone
in the eyes of the bitter sweet truth
I wish I was free of what you've done to me

OoooOO Alexa
You don't like warm fruit, even if I cook it nice
If the suns your natural enemy, you'll forever be more pale than me
You don't like that I snore in my sleep, BUT I can't help it.
You don't get scared by movies, even when I'm ******* myself..
AND! you can drink me under the, taable, butchu'll be the one whose sawwry.  
You can't think about the end of space, it's a question you can't seem to face?
AND! we don't know what will happen, when we all meet our death.
It's an inevitable fact of life, just waiting to be met.
But I promise to stand next to you, till that faithful day occurs.
Till then lets keep dancing and making up funny words.

It basically goes like this
at the point of birth onward,
we are all seedlings encapsulated by a thick glass.
when we are all very, very young
our glass orb is our entire world
we have not filled the glass just yet
with out a passion, or roaring spirit.
Many days will be spent stagnant
inside our self absorbed orb looking at the mirror
what you see is dependent on
how far you are willing to look.
Have you ever stopped your youth
to look past yourself
and see the pain others go through?
To see there is more out there than this orb?
sad to say some don't ever see past their own reflection
have you ever really noticed
yourself becoming aware?
As we grow deep and develop
its only natural to fill those void within ourselves
our ambition becomes too big for our little world
a destruction of self,
but a creation of space.
Yes, we can actually reach this potential!
We can break our glass orbs!
and then you can see
this "Whole Big World" has all of us in it.
Together.
Humanity at its finest.
But there are some,
who are so mindless and content
with this space we all share.
For some
they never see past the mirror.
That is why you can meet someone
at any point in their life
whose still too conscious of themselves
and have never cracked the glass of their own little world.

Tap tap tap
Goes the foot of the anxious teen
Her eyes are blurry
She sits quietly observing
Her peers spew wild nonsense
All she wishes is to sit in a field
With the sticky moist grass
Her hair stuck to the nape
Of her neck, slick with sweat
She feels it bead down her back
She wants nothing more than the
Feeling of the earth under her
The musical thumping of a hare's foot
And the humming of a near by bee
She feels herself falling under all of it
She falls out of her chair
She falls through the tiles
She falls though the center of the earth
She finds herself on the floor
Of the classroom
Silly girl, falling asleep during a lecture

She needs things
neat and proper
neat and proper
Why he wonders?
from behind his ears
He hears
a small voice whisper
She does what she does
to feel better
to feel something
to escape the fears
she's haunting
because she does in fact,
feel nothing
and has grown comfortable of that fact.
she needs to stop searching
she needs to clean up her act
its fractured
its broken