Context : day 2 of paris, should it be called eyeballing eiffel?  You can decide. good day today so far :-):-):-):-)

It finally starts getting better. Context : when i left my resting place at the station i was grabbing my backpack and noticed 3 small spiders/ants on the top of the bag, immediate decision making time, brush them off (possibly injuring them and thus myself in the process), get a page from my notebook and try to lift them off the bag back onto the home ground (i felt lazy so didnt do this either) let it flow and let them live their own risks for getting in contact with me (this is the option i took). Tried to be careful when putting the bag on. got on train and recorded my previous poems from that day. Eyes closed thinking paranoid ego thoughts while trying to listen to music when all of a sudden i feel the touch on my left elbow, open eyes and look down, guess what it was one of the spiders/ants, it felt lovely and the physical sensation was totally unexpected and beautiful and snapped me out of my thought pattern, i mindfully didnt brush him off but saw him on my tshirt and the point where it intersected with my headphones wire, closed my eyes and tried to relax, was working, next thing he was just behind my left ear, raised my fingers to it but he didnt jump on board, then felt him again and did the same, then he went somewhere else and i lost contact (later i would wonder where his friends were and if all 3 sacrificed their home and maybe lives for me just because i was lazy? or would the one who survived in the new home of the train or where ever be ok?) Anyways i made it to my destination and met my friends who are getting married and their family and am happy to say have only had one or two paranoid thoughts since arriving so things are busy but ok, things are looking up and i havent been able to write any poetry since so might be quiet for a few days, cheers for reading

Context : written on the train out of paris, inspired by a piece of graffiti on rue de ecouffe in paris, 'realize, real lies, real eyes' (or something like that). There have been many times in my life where i am around people and personally felt out of synch with them (even before i became clinically paranoid) or was in a situation where everyone around me laughs at something and i am the only one not to even have an idea of why it is funny or the strange 'usual coincidences' i put up with when outside my safe space and amongst other human animals. it got me onto the train of thought what if the masks people wear when thay are around me are all false, this would render the truth of my experiences invalid as for everyone else it would be based on lies? please note i realise all these paranoid thoughts are related to personal ego tripping so please do not think the context of my poems as part of the ego trip, i am trying to be more truthful to my self by exploring my patterns in this public forum. Please enjoy.

Went for a few beers after work and also got a meal in the pub and with the meal comes this really really cold glass of water with non melted ice cubes in it, the sensation of cold air being sniffed is beautiful in its change to the nostril and other senses (such as the skin contact against the cold liquidy glass). The question at the end is just a wanting for the water to get me drunk. :-)

Another day, back drinking after work (again) in the same pub, alone this time, phone absorbing my attention alot but look up and look around at the shared space with other 'human animals' that i am experiencing in the pub, i dont feel anything 'to' them, while accepting illusions would it really make a difference if i could (willingly) touch or feel them? not sure where i am going with this tangent, enjoy.

First in-the-moment poem (cant imagine these sober = major current fault but ....) excuse the spelling mistakes :-) dont have a clue as to where it ended up as compared to my first thought - which was I can give TRUST anymore - sorry but true - but probably a good thing since I am still here???? doubt again - whatever - what tags?..............

Just a recent paranoid drunken rant I recorded on my phone - I still blame the rest of the (outside of my head) world for my problems when i know I need to accept my situation and not try to assign blame for anything (been doing this in my head for the last 15-16 years - and still reached no conclusions that are satisfactory) - but the best things in life are hardly ever easy and the other voice is always there (but less with meds) - just it is always easier to blame others I guess - also I need to talk to a counsellor but I cant trust humanity at any level outside of temporal situational trust with current friends and when I am alone all that trust dissolves in quicker moments than it takes to remind myself to recreate it the next time I am around them.

Dream context: was taking drugs and deeply paranoid about people around me (i am not sure how common paranoid schizophrenia manifesting in dream state is but i have experienced it before) so i killed myself. 'Wake up' context: immediately tried to get an extra hours sleep to try reenter dream state, slept but dont think i was in any mind images. awake now so will just have to wait until tonight. conclusion: isnt life exciting.     BTW my deepest darkest fear is something that has terrified me when both mad and sane and i also fear putting it in to words, maybe on my wake up life deathbed but will speaking the words change my reality and make it true? possible other previous days trigger thoughts: i thought of how *** for me is now just a form of physical exercise that will just bring my blood sugars down so i thought want about having *** during a blood sugar low and dying entwined with another human animal? what do you think?

Context: this was written yesterday, first coincidence, i hop on the metro to get to the station but the train doesnt leave the station so i start walking, it was a really nice day and while not unhappy at the metro blip i was taking it as a sign the human animals were making '''gods''' will a physical reality and i was meant to walk it. a few minutes after walking i saw the trains were running again so i took some solace in knowing the other passengers would not be too delayed.2) i got to the station and as i walk over to the information desk and the person at it immediately grabs his phone and leaves the desk empty. In Dublin trains they have an advertising campaign with a phrase of Mobile phoney as a person that talks into their phone when not on any call just so they dont have to give up their seat, the phrase jumped into my mind without prompt. Needless to say i wasn't in the mood to be around people while in this headspace so grabbed lunch, listened to music, read a book and tried to be alone. (dont worry though my day/headspace did get better :-):-):-))

Phone notes from 2+ days - realizing I cannot inflect or influence other peoples interpretations of me - a limiting reality, true but also an invigorating reality - hopefully I will not limit myself with words (or lack thereof) in the future, really enjoying this experience :-) but with everything, it is temporal, still really enjoying this experience, what to be made of this? Is this enjoyment real? Lets not get into future time :-) but thanks for reading :-) wishing all release from....... sorry wipe my eyes..... wishing all (no full stops - just a just future without needless suffering - if at all possible - but our ancestors created this environment - need to change music :-) cheers, for reading (ego tripping but I (i) 'exist here' ))

Context : lying in bed last night, analysing my day as i do every night before sleep. i came to realise i had had a great day, i was totally surrounded by my friends loving environment and responded involuntarily with the same (i think). I have experimenting with stream of consciousness talking for a few years now but have never thought or tried to apply it to my lifestyle (when non paranoid). I was especially impressed when the bride to be saved the life of an insect on the table and stated to me 'this is just for you' and she picked up the insect and set it free again outside. i realised maybe my presence here in this reality might be causing subtle changes in the vibrations of others around me (for good). Anyways i had edits for the first four words to be 'all body, mind, soul' but i don't think i have experienced this yet so it wouldn't be a true reflection of 'current moments'. Dear reader, i am curious and have a question for you...do you prefer my paranoid based poems (just comment with a 1) or my non paranoid poem(s) (just comment with a zero) cheers for reading, i am off to a wedding :-):-):-):-):-)

Part of my dream state last night - I woke up happy thinking I was back on it and remembered I wasnt - but one moment of happiness (even if not real) is worth all the previous drug pain :-)

Context : I am dealing with alot of what could be termed 'strange thoughts' (if I was talking to a consellor) but they are more into the metaphysical realm (of which my area of ignorance is very large). Dealing with death/life/current experience of 'my 'life''/life after physical death and trying to make sense of what my dreams are telling me (which is the opposite of what my paranoid voice was telling me last week).....so where does that leave me? (listening to music constantly is semi relief but also painful sometimes) - it leaves me dealing with alot of mental fear - my latest coping skill is to throw or project it into its right expectant time in this reality and not have to 'really' face it until it manifests in this reality (if it ever does - or maybe this fear is true in others perceptions of me but they are unwilling to say it straight to my face - for example I was trying to get breakfast this morning and the person at the sandwich shop redirected me to another shop across a walk way - go to the other shop - they redirect me to the first shop - such closed loops can be perceived as a test/fun/bull*hit/etc..... depending on my mental state (ignoring diabetic hunger of course) but it is just an example of how 'my life' currently is - I would prefer to be asleep or drunk or within non human touched nature but that isnt going to happen and I am struggling :-(

A poem written in the mid 2000's from a self published book - 'Poetry from the wilderness years { Or slices of thoughts and emotions :-{}' - I added one edit line today. Background to poem - living in the country side at the time - still abusing drugs and alcohol - nearest village was a mile or two's walk away and i had no transport but that meant the walk to the village was beautiful but then having to jump into 'human active space' after previously just being around mind settling nature used to inspire heightened senses of fear and I could feel my mental state disintegrating often but what can you do but struggle on (or break down and be hospitalised)  - if my memory serves me - in the end I didnt want to leave the house/room I existed within and even my own thoughts of human interaction really frightened me - luckily enough a cousin down the road had a pet dog - Luka - a beautiful animal and I was asked to mind him some evenings/days/nights - I think this was the start of me coming back into 'your normal usual human society' - still now I can reread this and see the hints of my general paranoia to the whole world outside - I still think mental institutions should have organised and 100% supervised animal therapy visits if possible - it would help bring your thoughts out of your own head and into another truely non-judgemental animal form and can definitely ease anguished souls/minds/bodies. Cheers - will try to post a few more poems from this collection over the next few weeks but with hopefully some happier themes (I didnt really write about insanity during this collection because my confidence was in minus figures :-)  )

Heading on my holidays tomorrow so will be off line and probably wont get to relax with reading your poetry - see/read you in two weeks.

Context : sitting on the train, headphones on, water bottle in hand, looking at the graffiti and countryside, thinking if i could escape from this planet (just me on my own) would i leave?

My hotel has wi fi so i can bore you with my holiday thought experiences :-):-) Context: in airport, distracting my mind with music (as i do) a podcast comes on, beautiful heartfelt heart-meant words distract me, really enjoying it but then a sentence 'softly hits me', eyes well up as i try blink my distorted view away, difficult but no drops on cheeks so can just wipe away. immediate analysis is 'why?' question, i know i have been building up fear over the last few days is this how i should relate to the world if i want to have real feelings again ( but this went totally against the good words of the podcast) but what if all i can feel is sorrow/pity/pain/'others struggle' when in a heightened sense of fear and that is the ****** reaction, by crying? again i have zero conclusions with this train of thought......but on to the second wet eye incident......reading an animal abuse (and subsequent rescue) post on FB and again had to wipe my eye. Why? thinking once the dam is breached it is easier for the blocked material to re-escape? does this apply to all emotions, is it a rule i previously took for granted? Anyways i made it to Paris, television time again is a real big treat (plus i cant pretend to understand their underlying currents because of the language barrier (i have no excuses for same back in homeland so dont watch tv)  **** phone headphones not working now so might have nondistractional thoughts/poems to post unless i get the fixed, but safe within four walls now and no bad s*it happened so next question is how to dissolve the fear energy i have been building up? sleep me thinks and finish my litre of stout. cheers for reading......happy travels to you in your future movements :-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-)

8 hours after my first post and I have been reading and liking/commenting/following others poetry and my head is spinning (not sure if in a good or bad way - have to wait until after my next few days of dream state to see if it has distilled the inputs and outputs, received and given (freely) ) - just i need to escape now - really enjoying this but the amount of emotional writing (when isnt it?) that triggers a need to respond (not a trigger for a negative/positive mental state - just the need to respond as an active observer) is quiet amazing and also how the people I read are immediately linked to my first poem here and thus the second half of the circle completes (I hope this makes sense) - even with more circles they only seem to be created within the initial circle - (thanks Wolf Spirit - I will try to remember you as an initial (good) trigger)  - I am just comparing it to how previously I just looked and never ever interacted (my fault I know - I need to apply the same principle to my waking non internet life also but baby steps and it will take decades and i will be very very very tired by then)   --- this is my first public 10w poem - I really like the format of 10w - sometimes when you leave out the words others interpretations will fill the word space differently :-))))))) cheers!!!! Can of Guinness in hand :-)))))))))