On the surface, love and hate May seem black and white. But that's not quite right. They're feelings. And feelings can change. They're also like humans. On the surface, people may seem Scary or really nice. But give them time, And they may make you think twice. First impressions are important. But take them with a grain of salt. And if you get fooled, Just know it's not your fault.
It's not your fault if he doesn't say hi as you walk by. It's not your fault if she doesn't seem to know you exist. But it's not their fault either. It's not your fault if you feel too much or nothing at all. And if it gets bad, there's nothing wrong with curling up in a ball. We all need an escape. This is an important one. It is NOT your fault if you get addicted to the drugs or the drink. It's not your fault if you get so stressed, you can't eat, sleep, or think. It's not your fault Because bad things, confusion, sadness, stress, loss, anger...it happens to everyone. It's not a choice.
I have a memory that kills me Like shards of glass sliding through my atrium, Undetectable until it has ripped an Irreparable hole in my heart. His arm is tightened around my neck, Pulling me to him, My fear thicker than the air I could not breathe. And then it was over, Over like the red and sweat of my face As the oxygen rushed back in. Therapist says it was not an accident. In 30 seconds he had tested me. I was controllable. Pass or fail Depends on who you ask.
Its not like I want to be. When I sit in abandoned theaters full of friends it seems to come so easily. These after school social sessions aren't helping. They are distressing. And this group of memories is nothing more than a time bomb to me. Two years from now i'll at least have a reason to feel lonely.
i can’t wait for this time bomb to go off and set me free from fake smiles and teenage tourtue.
I release you from the compulsion, your feelings, not mine.
Phone notes from 2+ days - realizing I cannot inflect or influence other peoples interpretations of me - a limiting reality, true but also an invigorating reality - hopefully I will not limit myself with words (or lack thereof) in the future, really enjoying this experience :-) but with everything, it is temporal, still really enjoying this experience, what to be made of this? Is this enjoyment real? Lets not get into future time :-) but thanks for reading :-) wishing all release from....... sorry wipe my eyes..... wishing all (no full stops - just a just future without needless suffering - if at all possible - but our ancestors created this environment - need to change music :-) cheers, for reading (ego tripping but I (i) 'exist here' ))