The idea is that my life is beginning to feel like one big joke & i’m god’s punchline.

my stomach churns. i can’t eat. Nothing equals out. The stupid world keeps turning & i’m not going anywhere but down. it hurts– nothing specific. it’s all lies on top of lies on top of half-truths on top of lies. Unraveling. Detachment. i can’t go anywhere or do anything. Everyone is out to get me. My existence is nonexistent. i’m stuck in a really horrible drawn out chess game & i’m always the losing piece. i’m selfish. you are like a weapon & an addiction all in one.
By YOU i mean EVERYTHING. whatever you want to call it, it’s all the same end result.
odd-man out, downfall.

i’m hurting all the ******* time & it makes no sense.

A sleepless night
  and i thought i dreamed of you
dark eyes; deep heart,
  have i found you?
or are these petty games
equivalent to love
  and is this life
  really
  mine.

Still i cradle you to sleep.
lost hours, clock forgotten-
  dreams won’t find me tonight
  and it may be for the better.
But then again
one can never really tell.
The words flow like blood again;
i tell myself it’s easier
this way.
My heart, my mind, always
       at war
we are all soldiers in this game,
maybe the whole of mankind
is just
as lost
as i am.

Reckless love, how i find both
  comfort & tragedy
   in your arms.
As indicated the night rolls on,
   flowing in tune with the lunar tide.
We are strangers.
Fight for the common good...
or maybe not.
Maybe the dreams
really are lies
maybe the light
won’t ever find me;

Still i fight on.
Lost in myself, in you, in humanity-
still the charge is there.
Embers growing then fading
& i wake
   in the cold sweat
you always seem to leave me with.
Day will be heavier.
it always is.

i dance with the ghosts,
   those others forgotten-
     locked in time and in
    my perception of mortality.
We are the dead, history repeating herself,
that silly cosmic dance.

Half chance.
i’ll pray for solace.
i’ll pray for peace.
i’ll pray for anything
for anything at all.

Jamais.

I crave warmth in all forms. The longer moments when I can’t think or sleep or feel anything but sorrow, really. A burning inside which craves the most pungent of drinks- gin, *****,  whiskey, it wouldn’t matter right now- what I would do to have one shot. How the feeling would rush over me, the calmness which would wash all the rest away- any bad feeling. Even if for just awhile.

I try to imagine that you were a figment of my imagination; maybe an imaginary friend. Well, lover. An imaginary fiance- would I erase you, if I could? Still I’m not sure. It’s nights like this, so many later and after everything, the good and bad, when thoughts like this cross my mind. Something, some moment we’d shared will come back to me out of nowhere- like being blindsided. I’m  happy for a moment, remembering the good times. But then the heavy sadness swells up in my heart again as it must, in my ******* soul. My eyes well up. Because I am picturing you in your life right now- somewhere far away but still too close- always too close- killing yourself slowly. Remembering how it was all a lie. All a lie. And I am overcame. I am sure that wherever you are now, you don’t think of me anymore.
It's for the best.

i looked for you on the cold downtown sidewalks, believed you might appear like some mirage tangled in the constellation of city lights.

Knowing that I would not find you my heart began to play tricks on my mind. I tried to find your eyes in all the window reflections lining the deserted city roads- heavy breath frozen before me breaking the black night. Your image imprinted in my mind as though i had seen you three thousand times before- as if this mirage were truly concrete- as if these silly kind of dreams could ever really come true.

My mind knows the truth, though- while swayed by my deceptive heart still… it knows.
Either way i will continue to believe in such dreams.

Peculiar seagulls soar in the skies of my mind, wondering where you are now. i run forever on this internal ocean's shore, your love the cruel lunar tide. i try but i am not fast enough; your undertow pulls me down, spiraling forever toward the black hole bottom of your heart.

i need you now,
deep into this madness,
no life preserver in sight.
my lungs scream
for resistance--
your love choking me,
c h o k i n g.
we need no white picket fence,
no charming stallion
to sweep us from
this black death.

Sugarcoma lovers with nothing left to hold back & subzero heartbreaks stinging worse than the sun.
You loved me once upon a time
& it was absolutely perfect.
I need you now but i promise it won't scar.
(My darling how beautiful you are.)

i keep my soul hidden now beneath scattered tattered notebook paper pieces in outdated shoe boxes & deep between the covers of books, crisply underlined & strong- strong there, only there, with those words. most days i wake praying for rain; that tender soft world which it provides me with, drowns out the ever constant hum of traffic, arguing, the war on television, the growing sigh of humanity.

here i am.

I’m driving down some typical road all the roads look exactly the same here the streetlights passing by one by one by one. counting patterns in the road & I’m watching the swarm of black birds hanging over the highway; they’re swimming in their own way; kissing the sky & diving back down. that comfortable feeling of breaking skin
my blood may be the most priceless thing i own & maybe it’s for that reason i want to ruin it.

oh how i love to drink and to cry.
i have a weakness
it’s called
my heart
but there is always time
for classical music.

and so night falls
i have missed appointments
i have a mortgage waiting for payment
i have toothpaste and i have
so much i am now thankful for.

i fall weak to my vices again tonight
but tonight
it’s different
at last, at last.
there is a balance.

a new year hovers on the horizon.
i have well wishes to give,
i have people who think of me
and maybe smile
when i am not there.
it could be worse.