the taste of gunpowder on his tongue as the night tangled around us like sheets: & so we hung, from the stars, as diamonds. His touch was new & like nothing i had known. (it made me feel alive again.) He is fragile flower petals, the burning soul of a constellation.

we will wait for snow, he says, & i know somewhere inside. For i remember the winter night; some three hundred days ago. i wore mittens - hand stitched blue- everyday that frozen month.
They said he wasn't there. he had gone home, 'for the holidays.' & so i left. tiny steps down the sidewalk, frosted like a brilliant glowing cake.

Alone that night i drove the long way there- that cemetery where you sleep now. (He misses you so much.) And you waited, said hello, & i wanted to cry. A blanket of snow, we talked of stories and i know. You miss him too. We were together, then. That candy cane night.

no longer do i know who i am. sitting in class, dreaming of bourbon & johnny depp & violins. the day hangs in the air like a broken record. i walk, in funny lines, with people who seldom touch. though-
"touch is all." (ANNE SEXTON)

"If you would've left," they say. but they don't know. i couldn't leave. i was locked up inside of him; a prisoner of the lie. night by night, he would crawl into my window, and haunt me in my dreams, as my eyes fluttered like the butterflies he gave to me. because he was there, he said. always there to occupy the loneliness of my soul. and so i trusted. i knew no other way.

in many ways, he made me a child again. innocent and vulnerable in a rotten world. the ugliness became beautiful as it had been before; i had something to trust. and it was bliss- i swear it, it was. it was the color that glowed in my eyes, it was eternal purgatory. it was something i couldn't ever understand- though i tried many times. it was the feeling of a healed broken heart, a never-ending rainbow.

the night is worn thin from this viewpoint.

the river dances still; down the hill, under the rumbling bridge cluttered with people separate in their own circular worlds & the city glimmers with two thousand diamond fake stars just beyond the dark tree line.
we are watching this world happen from far away.
we are spectators in a world who has long since forgotten us.

i say i want to change the world & you say it’s something good in me. you don’t know what i’m thinking & i can see it in your eyes when you turn away. words aren’t as strong with you.

you want something more from me, something i have never been able to fully give before. in particular dreams i see myself exposed. you are the surgeon & i am your patient. your scalpel cuts through thin skin, inch by inch, careful & precise. blank sterile walls. the smell of death & life as well; it’s contradictory. my blood too is thin & you wipe it away with your sleeve. searching for my heart. peeling back flesh. broken bones & absent heart; i’ve pushed it deep inside.

you say you want more but i wasn’t prepared for this.

i caught the sun today.
the sputtering car,
as it bumped along
a road long since worn out,
shook me like some
pirate ship ready to desert us.
unfazed, we drove.
the cold month dangled on the
landscape that watched us
from behind glittering car windows,
as they withheld frostbitten gasps
that beat our broken ships
tattered sails.
i remembered loving you. i saw
your eyes the way
you used to look at me.
energy. there is so much here inside of me.
waiting to be discovered, i cried.
my emotions, liquified,
spilled from my eyes and in fear
of you seeing i looked
to the familiar windows cold glass,
and out. to somewhere far away,
where no one but me could touch.
a place of hidden light
and forgotten heartbreak
and the most beautiful words
in the world.
i saw wonderful things in my world-
and for a moment,
i failed to see how things
truly were.
from a distance,
this cloud of darkness
surrounds my reality world.
the sun, a gleaming bright ball of fire,
caught my eye from above.
the window was silent against my fingertips,
and it felt as cold as the snow
that took rest upon it during the
night before.
the sun’s beauty, captured in
my palm, could’ve lived
for years only for me.
instead, i let it go,
and continued to wait for
the amber of my life to surface again
when i could return to my past innocence.

how are you
i’d say if i could
reach you by phone but
well it’s been a long time
and most people fade away
after awhile
anyway.

you are all that matters.
i dream of dark roads, leaving here- this place.
though i've grown accustomed.
in
another world
we are
the heroes.


**brixtonbell.com

The night is worn thin from this viewpoint. the river
dances still; down the hill, under the rumbling bridge
cluttered with people separate in their own cyclical worlds &
the city glimmers with two thousand diamond fake stars just
beyond the dark tree line. we are watching this world happen
from far away.
We are spectators in a world who has long since
forgotten us.

i say i want to change the world & you say it’s
something good in me. You don’t know what i’m thinking & i
can see it in your eyes when you turn away. Words aren’t as
strong with you.
you want something more from me, something i have never
been able to fully give before. in particular dreams i see
myself exposed. you are the surgeon & i am your patient. your
scalpel cuts through thin skin, inch by inch, careful &
precise. blank sterile walls.
the smell of death & life as
well; it’s contradictory.
my blood too is thin & you wipe it
away with your sleeve. searching for my heart. peeling back
flesh. broken bones & absent heart; i’ve pushed it deep inside.

you say you want more but i wasn’t prepared for this.

**brixtonbell.com