"This
is a familiar scene for me;
You,
with your eyes on the road,
and myself,
watching the sights
as we pass them by.
There
are so many things
that I
want to ask of you,
so many questions
to be answered,
and yet,
there is a quiet
between us,
that which we also share;
the familiar sound
of silence;
the sound
of all the things
you didn’t say.”

We were happy
Then we weren't anymore
I got over you
I forgot the feelings of fondness
I buried the memories
I moved on
I let you go
I didn't talk to you
Didn't text you
Messaged or emailed you
Called you
Or met up with you
Heck, I didn't even think about you
You never crossed my mind
I forgot your little mannerisms
I removed your entire existence from my life
I was okay
I was coping up
I was healed
Or so I thought...
It was just a normal day
The usual everything
Then we accidentally bumped into each other
With your wide eyes
The usual smile
And with your voice
Through your lips
You uttered my name
Exactly how you used to
And just hearing the sound of your voice
Say my name
Everything
Every single thing
The tiniest details
Came gushing into me
Overflowing in my mind
Overwhelming my heart
And I lost control
I thought I forgot
No...
I wished that I had forgotten
But I haven't
I do miss you
Every little thing about you
And every tiny detail that makes you... You
I was okay
Or so I believed...
Nobody makes my name sound like how you say it
Who would have thought that just one random fateful second
Would send me back to square one
I will extract you from my life once more
And hope that I never hear you say my name again
I told you that i don't love you anymore
... I lied

Bound together in ecstasy
Bodies shaking,
Pupils dilating.
No one I'd rather see.
No place I'd sooner be.
Because nothing makes more sense
Than the thought of *you and me.

i was rummaging through the sock drawer,
i found the candle
that i burned during that winter i lost you
it was too hard to handle.

you left me,
and the smell brought it all back:
the loneliness,
the blood, the anxiety attacks.

i hated that winter,
your absence was so loud.
i was a zombie in my own chains,
you were my black cloud.

i needed you so bad,
i know that's a horribly cliché thing to say,
but i couldn't sleep, eat, smile or laugh
i needed you those days.

i was a hollow shell
of someone i never knew.
i thought it'd maybe make me stronger,
i barely made it through.

the silence and confusion
rang in my ears.
the pain is so real
it won't disappear.

merry Christmas,
i wish you were here,
i hope you're having a great time
i am drowning in my fear.

that Christmas was the coldest one
that i have ever known,
i never thought i could get that bad,
why'd you leave me on my own?

i denied it all,
tried to hide the pain
but it crept around corners,
slipped into my veins.

the days faded into nights,
the nights into days,
i never left my bed,
i was a slave to your dark and estranged haze.

my only friends were the figures
that danced across my bedroom walls.
the flame would flicker and shake,
i watched the shadows rise and fall.

the sadness smells like linen and ocean waves
i will throw that candle away,
one day
one day.

i have moved on now,
moved on with deep tissue scars.
it's not fair to him
i'm still behind your prison bars.

i have moved on now,
nightmares and anxiety attacks
are horrible souvenirs,
maybe i'll get over this soon, hopefully this year.

i lie when i say
"i breakdown for no reason",
i'm broken because i am remembering that
heartbreak season.

If only you could see in my mind.
Perceive the world through my eyes.
See the vision I see.
In my minds eye.

Gander if only a wrinkle.
Then you shall dream.
In my dreams.
Truth or dare.
I have much to share.

Onward through the fog.
Mountain far below.
Fearfulness in memory.
Valley coming slow.

Goodness quenched by fire.
Ice captures pain.
My mind clear of thought.
My poem gets a name.

A single flower bloomed.
For it I get love.
By it mirrors are seen.
For its from above.

In your fond light
I could see forever.
A whisk of peace,
Frail and mighty
As lone wildflower
In rains of new sun,
The sound of your
Voice was melody,
Only I adored and so,
I listen for it in rushes
And reeds and briar
Trees where angels
Gather, always to sing,
Little wings do flutter,
Your grace held me,
In places others *****
For, of tearing shadows,
Where the lost are witness
To eyes unhinged, clean
From murky old dream
And broken promise,
Your light blinded so
My soul into vision,
There is no truer light
Ever to know once more
Like one, shimmering,
To expose and to let
Beauty paint, sublime,
Its tableaus of creation
As we are apart, done,
What light was parcel
Only yours, now past,
My eyes to break only,
Opening into darkness.

Tell me,
what is so sweet about sixteen?

The layering of lashes in an attempt to age just two more years?

The relief when the shopkeeper served you that Smirnoff Ice?

And the excitement of drinking it in a park?

If you were lucky, the occasional spliff stolen from someone's older sibling?

Sweet is the nostalgia
but sweet is not the rawness of the reality.
Living the teenage tragedy is bitter and sour and tasteless.

Late nights
filled with mascara tears
fuelled by heartbreak.

Your rose-tinted spectacles see past the vomiting and the headaches and the regrets.

Would you do it all over again?
And would you do it exactly the same?