the rain used to be my favorite
the sky was crying with us
until I got swallowed up by it
my bones crushing with each trick
no seatbelt
thought I wasn’t going to live
I was ready to say goodbye to this world
but when the car finally stopped I was still alive
I started screaming why
I could smell blood and soil
I thought it was finally by time to say goodbye
police, ambulance, and a helicopter arrive
“mam have you been drinking or are you on any drugs”
glass in my hair
I felt like there was no air
it was getting hard to breathe
my whole body was broken
mostly my heart
they should’ve left me to die
- sorry about the car

kids shouldn't go to rehab at fifteen
but you sent me anyways
which was too many days
I made a best friend there
her name was xollie
she talked of her life in California
how her grandma took her and her siblings in
all the empty bottle pills in the bin
rotten milk on the counter
she felt like she was going to rot away with it
she spoke of living with ghosts
guess it isn't always fun living on the coast
dropping acid and crushing pills
she didn't care if it kills
then there was Jane
from Las Vegas
she told us stories about being high on ****
she wanted the drug to bring her death
she slept in the dirt and hallucinated cops
and airplanes flying above searching
for her, no one was looking not even her pops
two black men told her they'd get her high
if she would just go to their apartment with them
you see Jane was a gem
the only one who didn't see it was her
once she was too high to be able to move
or speak, the mens intentions weren't pure
they tore into her heart
as she cried silent tears
she wishes she could just restart
just wishing to be free of the drug
and these men forcing themselves into her
then there was Chloe
her brother ******* her and her mom in a closet
Chloe thought of not being able to get high
that thought made her want to *****
he had found her bubbler
we stood around a fire
and burned the papers that held our worst memories
Jane doesn't throw her paper in
so I give her hand a squeeze
sometimes we think we deserve all the worst moments
but fourteen year old Jane did not
fifteen year old xollie did not

I remember when your dad would beat you
those were the times I'd see you cry
I just wanted to help you fly
far away from all the hurt and pain
but you just wanted to die
you were a drain
you drained me
I was there for you through hell and back
when things got bad for me you'd just pack
****** nose and drunken nights
remember that time you ran away
took too many drugs and almost died
and you blamed it all on me
I didn't give you those drugs
that made you feel like you were covered in bugs
your the one that cheated on me
I had to be free
from all the unimaginable pain you put me through
I was the one who flew
to get away from you and your blue eyes
a big part of me dies
when you come to this small town
we still hook up every time you visit
when you leave again it makes me want to paint my wrist
with deep red
and to go to sleep in bed
forever

you told me you changed
i believed you
why am i laying on the bathroom floor
covered in blood
was i too much of a bore
i can’t stop screaming
what is the meaning
of my life
silly me i thought i could be your wife
i let you rip the heart right out of my chest
take the rest
i don’t want to be a person anymore
i hate myself to the core
i shattered the mirror
you’r not near
you didn’t realize that i’m fragile
i want to ****
all the voices inside me
telling me i’d be better off dead
all i’m seeing is dark red
all over the bathroom floor
this won’t be much of a bore

even at only fourteen years old,
I would finish bottles to myself
the amount wouldn't fit on a shelf
I got too drunk, to be bold
I thought my friend might help
but the last thing I remember
is being led into a chamber
by the opposite gender
I tried to rip my hand away
it didn't phase him
he pushes me on the bed
and then everything goes black
I wake up with puke in my hair
I was alone and bare
I was hurting
it was burning
my stomach turning
he gives me a warning
last night was fun
I had bruises
I want to run
out of my body
I shower until my whole body is ******
but five years later and I do not feel clean
everyone there had seen
what he did to me
not one single word was spoken about it
they let it be

my friends watched, as I tore the madness from my skin.
this is a battle I’ll never win.
and maybe I don’t want to
so thanks for not caring
going out with yesterdays makeup
no one cares what you are wearing
when all they want to do is soak you
in all the liquor they can find
and all the drugs to make you unwind
because then they know you’ll be easier to take advantage of
you don’t rise above
you think you deserve to be hurt
you black out and wake up with bruises all over your wrists and arms
you don’t remember a thing,
then you get a text saying,
last night was fun

-last night wasn’t fun if you had to hold me down

maybe I deserved it all
on the bathroom floor
crunched up in a ball
ripping my skin open with my fingernails
she says I’m off the rails
he bails
leaves me alone with her
pounding on the door for me to open up
deeper in the nails go
she’s punching the windows open now yup,
my mind makes no sense
this time it will go too far
this time she drags me down the hallway by my hair
**** I really hate when she comes back from the bar
I dream about going somewhere beautiful and far
I try to concentrate on something other than the pain
-who could’ve known a child was being poisoned