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Ashton Nance Jun 2014
Before that night, I was able to leave you a voicemail and you'd call me back not even an hour later.
Now, I call your phone just to listen to your voicemail because it's the only way I can hear your voice.
Before that night, I would delete our text conversations to free space on my phone because I knew I'd be seeing you in no time.
Now, I don't think I'll ever delete the last message you sent me; it reads "I love you, miss you, need you, want you...this will remain true until the day I die."
I thought that was the sweetest thing you had ever said to me, but little did I know that it was somewhat foreboding.
Before that night, I fell asleep with no problem, especially on nights that I was entangled in your embrace.
Now, I'm on a no sleep streak of about 5 days; I just can't pretend that you're here holding me when I know you never will be again.
Before that night, any time I passed the cemetery I thought nothing of it because I knew no one that was laid to rest there.
Now, I visit you every day, and ironically, this is the only time and place that I feel rested.
The way I missed you before that night seems so insignificant.
The way I miss you now is crippling; all I can think about is your smile and the glint in your eye. I can still see the beauty marks on your neck that were in the shape of a tiny heart in my mind when I close my eyes.
I'm afraid that in time I'll forget these things, but I can be secure in the fact that I'll never forget you.
And I want you to never forget that I love you, miss you, need you, want you....this will remain true until the day I die.
Ashton Nance Jun 2014
When I'm doing my dishes,
I picture you coming up behind me and wrapping your arms around me.
When I'm taking a shower,
I picture you quietly slipping in with me and lathering up my hair.
When I'm at school,
I picture you in the seat next to me and
casting me sideways glances telling stories only we know.
When I'm eating dinner,
I picture you across the table from me and
you're telling me about your day with a hint of *** in your smile.
One day all of this things may happen,
but until then all I have is the pictures in my head.
Ashton Nance Jun 2014
The fault in our stars is inevitable.
We all know that stars explode but what we see is a beautiful blast of light.
That's how my love is for you.
I'm shouting into the void and risking oblivion but the strength and depth of my love is infinite.
When you're gone, I'll experience a pain that's 10/10
But in the end I know that I'll be
Okay.
I just watched tfios yesterday so I thought it'd be fitting to write a poem about it. This is dumb, lol.
9/6
Ashton Nance Sep 2014
9/6
At first my tears made me even more sad
because in that moment I knew it was the beginning of the end.
Then my tears made me feel numb
because all I could do is cry.
Now my tears make me angry
because no matter how many fall from my eyes
I'll never get you back.
Ashton Nance Dec 2014
My heart aches to mirror the melody of yours as we lay in bed.
My mouth aches to spill out all of the words that I never said.
My hands ache to trace your veins again and again.
My tongue aches to taste the salt that lives in the ocean of your skin.
My eyes ache to absorb all that you are and bask in the smile that rivals the stars.
Ashton Nance Sep 2014
If I were to meet the devil after I die
I would tell him,
"I'm not afraid. I've already seen hell."
Ashton Nance Sep 2014
A 16 year old girl falls in love with a boy whose only aim is to get his fill and throw her out like last week's Chinese.
She is destroyed.
An 18 year old girl decides that "having fun" will make her feel less hollow and gives herself to any guy that shows interest and lays in bed at night wondering when the fun starts.
She is destroyed.
A 21 year old girl feels that no one will ever love her enough to want to marry her and that the other side of the bed will always be empty.
She is destroyed.
That girl is me.
Ashton Nance Sep 2014
9/2

The leaves rustle in the breeze and it reminds of the first time I met you.
I saw you climbing the tree in my yard and I asked you what you were doing.
"The leaves make prettier music in your tree," you said, "and I want to hear them better so that's why I'm up here."
I never understood what you meant but it has been 6 years since I last saw you in that tree and I have yet to hear sweeter music than that of the leaves.
Ashton Nance Jun 2014
(Written 3/18/14)

January 3rd - I saw you walking in my direction in the hallway at school and you looked up and smiled at me.
February 5th - You bumped into me accidentally and I felt your hand graze my thigh; it was electric.
March 17th - We have a class together, and you asked me to be your partner for a project. I said yes.
April 8th - You slipped a note into my purse as you walked out of class inviting me out on a date. I said yes.
May 2nd - We'd been on a few dates by now, and today we shared our first kiss. I didn't know lips could feel like the beginning of something so beautiful and terrifying.
June 25th - You looked me in the eye and told me you loved me. I said I loved you too.
July 19th - We'd been fighting a lot. I don't know why but it hurt because I felt as if you were slipping away from me and I didn't know how to stop it.
August 27th - It'd been a few weeks since you'd kissed me and I was trying everything I could to fix it. To fix us.
September 8th - You called to tell me we needed to talk. I already knew what you were going to say.
October 12th - The way I miss you is incomparable to anything I've ever felt or probably will ever feel. I'm nothing without you.
November 28th - I texted you to tell you happy thanksgiving and added that I missed you. You didn't reply.
December 4th - I saw you walking in my direction in the hallway at school, but this time you didn't smile. You simply looked away.
Boo
Ashton Nance Sep 2014
Boo
4/17

You haunted my dreams last night.

I wouldn't really call it haunting, though.
I was praying that you would show up.
I just wanted to see your face.
Your smile.

You haunted me because what I saw was just a ghost of you.
You walked out the door eight months ago and I haven't seen you since.
Now I can't get you out of my head.

I wish I'd never met you.
I wish you'd never left.
Ashton Nance Sep 2014
3/11

"You're the best thing to ever happen to me," you say, as you beat me until I can take no more.  
"I love you more than life," you say, as you press a burning pan to my exposed skin.
"I would die without you," you say, as you hold my head under water until I'm no longer breathing.
Ashton Nance May 2017
I've always heard that being consumed is a good thing.
Consumed by love, work, music, whatever.
But this,
This is one thing I would rather die than be consumed by.  
I can't sleep without images of you floating in my head, dreams so real it's almost like you're still in my bed.
When I wake up, I have a split second where I forget everything and have hope that today will be a good day.
But then it settles in, that darkness that I try so hard to avoid.
The dark cloud that never goes away, drenches my thoughts and my will to stay.
I wish I knew a way to leave.
I wish I knew a way to be.
I wish that you were here with me.
It's so dark.
I can't stand to be apart.
You used to be my ray of sunshine but now you are the reason that I can't see.
The reason that I can't be.
Please leave me, darkness.
Let me live.
I've always heard that something's gotta give.
But all you ever did was take.
Ashton Nance Jul 2017
Bending over backwards for someone who doesn't even care
Trying so hard for someone who wouldn't even realize if you weren't there
Never feeling like you're enough
Never feeling appreciated
Never feeling worthy
Doing something nice but it's never done right
Trying your best to keep them safe but all they do is fight
Giving your all and getting nothing back
There doesn't seem to be a point when there's no one there to give you a pat on the back
Say thank you, be grateful
Appreciate the things you do
Why put forth so much effort when no one is putting effort into you?
Ashton Nance Dec 2020
When I was young I fell silent when my parents said they loved me
Because with my upbringing, that couldn’t be  

Brushed away when alcohol and a rush of nicotine meant more
If they couldn’t care for me, what did they have me for?

Promises to meet for lunch, have weekend visits, and for the drinking to stop
Each one broken, another disappointment to top

“You’re my world, my reason for living”
“I’m trying my best”
I can only be so forgiving
And only when all you’ve done has been suppressed

As I grew, I struggled to cope
Would things get better, can I hold on to hope?  

I fear for the day that I get the call that my dad is dead
He doesn’t sleep, still drinks, and thinks he’s invincible
The constant worry of losing him living in my head
No matter the past, doesn’t he know he’s irreplaceable?

My mom is sick, worsening every day
I’ve seen her change before my eyes
Caring for my dying mom, a role I never wanted to play
How will I forget all that happened when she dies?

All my life I’ve craved what can’t be redeemed  
A healthy relationship to cherish forever
It pains my heart to see others get what I’ve always dreamed
Maybe one day it won’t hurt (or never)

“You’re so mature!”
“You have to be older than what you say!”

No, that’s just the trauma, the things I can’t forget
The things I haven’t healed from yet

For the rest of my days I will pay the price
Climbing a mountain that never ends
But what is life without a little spice?
A recipe for disaster that transcends
Ashton Nance Nov 2020
I open my eyes and you sit in front of me, smiling that diamond smile
My heart shines, I haven’t seen you in such a long while
You begin to tell me all the things I long to hear
The sound of your laugh, oh, how I hold it dear

We fall into a comfortable flow, like we always do
Your eyes tell a story, such a beautiful shade of blue
I reach out to touch you, and find myself amazed
Where you just were sits an empty chair, am I dazed?

I realize quickly - you were never there
I trick myself into seeing you to hide the pain I can’t bear
The vacant seat in front of me is like a glimpse into my soul
The loss of you, my darling, will leave a permanent hole

She says, “what do you want to say? Imagine that your loved one is in the chair”
If only she knew that I talk to you every day, in my mind and my heart
She looks at me with pity in her eyes, she thinks I’ve lost it
But I have nothing else to lose now that we are forever apart
Ashton Nance Aug 2018
We were so young when we met for the first time
I told you then that you would always be mine
We talked about marriage and having two kids
You always ran through my mind behind my eyelids

The distance between us never weakened our love
Spending time with you, it’s all that I dreamed of
Making promises of forever, our feelings would never fade
But on that cold December day, everything changed

They tried everything, but it was to no avail
I was gone before you could even exhale
They knocked on your door and told you the news
You refused to believe it, how could I be gone so soon?

Years pass by, and you slowly begin to heal
But at night you have nightmares that feel too real
Reaching for me to find her instead
You never felt rested in that cursed bed

You never stop visiting me, where I live underground
I see you going home with her, but I can’t make a sound
It breaks my heart that I can’t be there
But I really want you to be happy, I swear

They say love lasts until the day you die
But they never knew the love between you and I
I can’t physically be with you, and you’ve moved on
But my heart is with you, I’m never really gone
My boyfriend and I had a conversation about what would happen if I died and although it made me really sad, it gave me motivation to write this.
Ashton Nance Sep 2017
I’ve been told all my life that everything I touch will turn to gold,
and that the palm of my hand is made of diamonds.
If it were possible, a trail of glitter would follow me everywhere I go,
and my hair would shine like sapphires in the moonlight.
My lips are made of ruby,
my eyes the color of exquisite aquamarine.
But the true light of my life, or lack thereof,
is what remains unseen.
There is no sparkle, no glitz, no sheen
and what everyone else sees is simply an intriguing mirage.
Everything I touch crumbles into nothing
and the glitter I’m known to exude is really silver dust.
Ashton Nance May 2017
Despite how it feels right now, everything will be okay.
Even if it's not tomorrow, soon will come a better day.
Your heart may be heavy, your energy may be depleted, but give it a little while.
In no time at all, you'll feel that long-lost smile.
Things do get better.
Your wounds will heal.
And when you back on these times, you'll question if it was even real.
Ashton Nance Aug 2014
I've lost my home.
I still have my house,
but I've lost you; you were my home.
Ashton Nance Aug 2014
I'm missing you so much that even breathing hurts.
Not too long ago every breath I took was another second that you loved me.
Now breathing feels like I'm swallowing broken glass.
Ashton Nance Sep 2014
9/22

While I was at home writing your name all over my notebook, you were at some party tracing the same sweet nothings on girls' tongues.
While I was in bed at night calling to see if you were awake, you were in bed with some girl whose name happened to escape you when you got caught.
While my hand was grasping for yours as we walked down the street, you were on the prowl for yet another girl who "meant nothing".
I gave you everything and you took it all with no return.
I guess now I can say lesson learned.
Ashton Nance Sep 2014
6/10

My father has been married to Miller Lite for as long as I can remember.
My mother flirts with death by seductively inhaling the chemicals in a cigarette.
They say that addiction is hereditary;
Maybe that's why I can never get enough of you.
Ashton Nance Sep 2017
I close my eyes and images of you flash like pictures in a slideshow
I see you swinging on the swing your great great grandfather made, hanging on for dear life
I see you laying on the bed, paper strewn all around you, your glasses perched low on your nose
I see you in the kitchen, making your "famous" lemonchiffon cake, flour covering your body
I see you sitting in my car, hands tightly clasped on your lap, a single tear rolling down your cheek
I see you standing in the doorway, smiling so bittersweet, placing your secret recipe on our entryway table
I find myself thinking about you all the time, the way you tasted
And every time I see that worn index card on the kitchen counter, I remember the sweetness of our love and the bitterness of when you left
And how I wish I could see you baking that cake just one last time
But for now all I have are my memories
My reverie
Of you
Ashton Nance Nov 2014
11/2

"I like you."
(But not enough to love you)
"I want you."
(But not enough to need you)
"I miss you."
(But not enough to show you)
Ashton Nance Sep 2014
9/10

I could take medication to rid myself of this pain and feel a synthetic happy but I want to feel it because it shows just how much I love you and that I ******* hate myself for leaving and that I'm not the same without you.
I'm not the same without you.
Ashton Nance Aug 2014
7/30

I wanted you.
Then I needed you.
And that's when I knew that I was in trouble.
Ashton Nance Jun 2014
Missing you has become second nature to me, like breathing.
I don't have to think about missing you
but I sure know how to.
Ashton Nance Sep 2014
2/24

Sometimes I feel like I'm just not meant to be loved.
Ashton Nance May 2017
More bad in the news today.
More terror, more death, more violence, more sadness, more panic, more devastation.
Each time we ask "why",
But are we really surprised?
Seeing these things has become such a common occurrence that it seems out of the ordinary to not hear of a new attack, ******, shooting every day.
Why is there no peace?
Why is there no love?
Why do these things happen to innocent people?
What can we do to change it?
The world is rampant with evil, and it seems there is little hope.
But all it takes to grow a garden is a little care and sunlight.
All it takes to bring happiness is a little care and doing what's right.
All it takes to spread love is to open your heart and never stop the fight.
We must continue to try
We must continue to cry
We must continue to be
We can't let them win
We endure and we are strong
We can come together and show the evil ones
That love conquers all
And that it takes more than one, two, three men to knock us down when we're ten feet tall.
Ashton Nance Dec 2020
How ill-prepared
Are we
For the
Inevitability of
The end
Ashton Nance Sep 2014
2/26

I know that we don't actually feel emotion in our hearts
But it sure as hell feels like my heart is breaking when I call you and you don't answer.
But it sure as hell feels like my heart is breaking when I see you with her and you look at her the way you used to look at me.
But it sure as hell feels like my heart is breaking when I find old pictures of us and remember the time when we were happy (you were happy with me, remember?)
But it sure as hell feels like my heart is breaking when I realize that you're not mine anymore and you probably never were.
But it sure as hell feels like my heart is breaking when I spend my time crying and missing you while you forget me.
I know that we don't actually feel emotion in our hearts
But it sure as hell feels like my heart is breaking
Without you.
Ashton Nance Sep 2014
1 think about you
2 cry
3 cry some more
4 feel okay for a short amount of time (probably 10 minutes or so)
5 think about you again
6 contemplate whether I should call you or get *******
7 do neither
8 cry some more
9 convince myself I'm totally fine without you
10 repeat
Ashton Nance Aug 2014
When your favorite happy love song begins to shatter your heart at the first note,
you know you're ******.
Ashton Nance Dec 2020
I fall to my knees in desperation and feel the gentle touch of The Granter on my shoulder.
“Dear child, I have heard your cries, and I am here to help you. But know this - if l must visit you again, it will come at a price.”
I grasp at The Granter, pleading,
“Please, I just need help this one time. It’s urgent!”
The Granter pulls me to my feet and smiles a smile that chills my bones
“Very well, darling, your wish is my command. May I never lay eyes upon you again.”

Several months later, I feel the same panic arising. I am in dire need of help, but what can I do?
I know The Granter will make me pay if I ask again.
I have no choice - I must.
I fall to my knees and in seconds The Granter is by my side once again.
The eyes are cold and distant, and a sinister smile appears.
“My dear, you did not heed my warning. If you require my assistance, you must give me something you will regret losing.”
I freeze, contemplating if it is worth the pain.
“Please, Granter, I have no other option.”
“Very well,” The Granter purrs, “your wish is my command.”
I realize that I have lost my ability to walk.
“Granter, what happened? I cannot walk!”
“My darling, I told you that you would lose something that you would regret.”

I am once again in desperate need of help from The Granter, and I am terrified of what is to come.
I never regained my ability to walk, and have been wheelchair bound for months.
What could I lose next? Am I willing to find out?
As I weigh the consequences, The Granter appears once again.
“Dear one, you must desire to lose it all if you have called to me again.”
“Granter, I am desperate - I have no other choice.”
“Very well, dear,” The Granter sneers, “your wish is my command once again.”
I am suddenly no longer able to speak.
I gesture wildly, horrified.
The Granter touches my face with a fiery touch and a slicing gaze.
“Oh, darling, you have lost so much already. Will there be another?”

What shall I do? I cannot walk or speak but I cannot go through this life without The Granter.
“Dear one, I must admit that I am growing tired of these trips.”
I close my eyes and feel my pleading wish float to The Granter.
The Granter holds my arm tightly.
“Beware that you are nearing the point of no return. But very well, darling, your wish is my command.”
I can no longer see.
I begin to cry, as I know this will not be the last visit from The Granter.

Life has become unbearable and I have no desire to go on.
I call to The Granter, who I hear next to me moments later.
“You are in a sad way, darling, what pity I take for you.”
I feel the heat of The Granter’s hand on my face, and a whisper in my ear.
“Dear one, you have now lost more than anyone who has sought The Granter. Your wish is unfortunately my command.”
I can no longer hear.
What is left for me?

The Granter appears in my dreams, as we can no longer communicate in person, after all I have lost.
“My poor darling, it’s such a shame. You could have gone on without me, but now you are in an unavoidable predicament.”
That chilling smile appears once more.
“I have visited so many times that you now have nothing left to give...but your life.”
Little does The Granter know that I welcome this end, long for it every day.
The Granter pierces my heart, and holds me tight as I fade away.
“All along I knew what you craved, my darling, and for the final time, your wish is my command.”
Ashton Nance Jul 2019
You stand across the room, moonlight glimmering off your ocean eyes
I wonder what your hand feels like, whispering across my face, or my thighs
A forbidden energy radiates between us, a desire that may never be fulfilled
A wall becomes taller with each passing moment, one that I am required to build

What would it feel like to kiss your lips?
To be enveloped by the scent of your floral perfume?
How intensely would my skin tingle from the touch of your fingertips?
Would I transform into a flower aching to bloom?

I have always craved what I know you could give me, if I had the chance to take it
My family insists that I like men, so all my life I’ve had to fake it
Expectations must be met, or else there comes a risk from which I may never recover
How long can I go on like this, being unable to openly love another?

In my fantasies, I know what it means to be content
Waking up next to you, with your body curled around mine
You are an angel, a gift that has been heaven sent
I’m brought out of my reverie, back to a world where I have no choice but to pretend I’m fine

I could walk up to you and strike up a conversation, but what good would that do?
I’d only strengthen my disillusionment that I could ever be allowed to love someone like you
For now I’ll remain in my world of dreams, ignoring the magnetic pull to walk your way
Maybe one day I’ll acquire the courage I so desperately need, but until then my happiness is kept at bay
Ashton Nance Sep 2014
7/28

You told me once that your favorite author was Shakespeare because he created life within his words.
I bought you a collection of all his work and saved it for your birthday; I never got to give it to you.
Nor did I get to tell you that you created life within your words as well and you brightened and destroyed mine all at once.
Not even Shakespeare could do that.
Ashton Nance Nov 2023
The box in which I lay is glass
Walls adorned with paper flowers
Fragility is fragrant and congests the space
That which I inhabit and all that exists
A projector plays across the room
Our fondest, our darkest, our forever unknowns
What can you see from where you are?
Do you feel my anguish, how I slowly crack inside?
I hear a tune playing, pleasant and warm
A familiarity I can’t place but that I welcome nonetheless
Sadness permeates as I finally recognize the twinkle of your laugh, a sound frozen in time
How am I meant to go through life without you here?
I feel you in my soul, in my heart, and you survive in my mind
How can I reconcile the things you will never see, the older you that you can never be?
The walls begin to break, my cruelest mirror
I would give anything to be near you again, hold you dear
I will live the rest of my days aching for you and wishing someone understood
How nothing will ever be the same
Now that you’re gone
Ashton Nance Sep 2014
I would develop a drinking problem if I knew the solution would be at the bottom of every bottle.
But each chug would be another reminder that my life has gotten to the point of having to get ******* drunk just to forget how your voice sounds when you say my name or the color of your eyes or how ******* bad I crave you.
I'll just have to find another way to forget.
Ashton Nance Sep 2014
2/3

The world moves at an alarmingly pace, but I am in slow motion.
My mind races, but my body barely has the energy to move at all.
I am stuck in the middle of a progressive world, but my life does not move forward.
How do I speed up and match those around me?
How do I move (on) with life?
Ashton Nance Sep 2014
2/27

Things feel a lot less hopeful without (you) around.
I feel as if there's nothing (left)
And the worse part of it is when you walked out the door you didn't give (me) a second glance.


(I) try my best to forget about all the times we had, because they were all lies.
The (love) I thought we had was never real, was it?
In time I'll forget, but I'll always regret (you).
Ashton Nance Sep 2014
7/6

I found a letter that you wrote me a while back.
I had forgotten all about it.
One line jumped out at me more than the others.
It said, "I could look at you for a thousand years and never run out of new things to love about you."
It's been a year since you left and now you're with someone else.
I guess you just got tired of looking at me;
I'll never know why.
Ashton Nance Sep 2014
5/16

Before that night, I was able to leave you a voicemail and you'd call me back not even an hour later.
Now, I call your phone just to listen to your voicemail because it's the only way I can hear your voice.
Before that night, I would delete our text conversations to free space on my phone because I knew I'd be seeing you in no time.
Now, I don't think I'll ever delete the last message you sent me; it reads "I love you, miss you, need you, want you...this will remain true until the day I die."
I thought that was the sweetest thing you had ever said to me, but little did I know that it was somewhat foreboding.
Before that night, I fell asleep with no problem, especially on nights that I was entangled in your embrace.
Now, I'm on a no sleep streak of about 5 days; I just can't pretend that you're here holding me when I know you never will be again.
Before that night, any time I passed the cemetery I thought nothing of it because I knew no one that was laid to rest there.
Now, I visit you every day, and ironically, this is the only time and place that I feel rested.
The way I missed you before that night seems so insignificant.
The way I miss you now is crippling; all I can think about is your smile and the glint in your eye. I can still see the beauty marks on your neck that were in the shape of a tiny heart in my mind when I close my eyes.
I'm afraid that in time I'll forget these things, but I can be secure in the fact that I'll never forget you.
And I want you to never forget that I love you, miss you, need you, want you....this will remain true until the day I die.

— The End —