I've spent too much time on the bathroom floor, asking my tears to be as silent as they can, for us to ever be okay again

All these boys
pushing themselves in
screaming, crying for attention
for healing
for the love they think I own them
Disrupting me
from giving the love I need
to myself

The sky is infinite and I will not be stuck here.

I've found my words in so many poems, lyrics and books before I've found them in my mind

Yet again, we sat on a bench, this time without dark, grey clouds. And we erased away each other from our phones, we took away all that was us. And we said how much we loved each other and we cried. And when we once again walked away, I cried because I had gotten my ending, at last, the one I had wanted for so long. I was finally free from and so I kept crying.

And that was the last time it was us. The last time we met when it was real.

Afterwards, you have been in my mind more than I thought was possible and we have seen each other less that I believed we would, without really looking and never letting each other even a meter close to our hearts, never wanting to risk ever again to destroy everything we have so carefully rebuilt.

It wasn’t my decision
to tear him apart
He did that good enough for both of us

Once they’re here
I know I’ve got them
and I hate it
or
I hate how it makes me feel
every **** time
Like I own them the world
Like I’m unnatural for not loving them the same way
for not pouring and wasting my so pure love
that I don’t even know anymore if I have
For not wanting to depend so entirely on another person
than myself
This.
They can not demand this from me
For it is not their right to demand
Who i decide to share my soul to
other than myself

And how can you ask for less
Than all of me
and
how can I give you all
When I don’t even find it myself

I never felt alive with you.

They say that the wings of a butterfly can create a hurricane
and as I lay there, staring up at the ceiling
whilst emotions are throwing themselves
all around my chest,
I say that a thought can create a hell lot more of a mess

All those thousand dreams of how I'll meet you
is keeping my chest calm

If I could connect my mind with my heart
Maybe I’d be whole
and stable

I am raging
at the thought of him
building himself a home inside of me
Despite my protests
despite me not wanting
his
homelessness
on my conscience

The words
pouring out of me from
every finger
As if they’ve only been waiting
for me to understand
And I don’t know why that makes me sad

to think
of my unconnected nerves

This shattered home inside of me
that I in desperation tore apart
Stomped to pieces
Wrecked out of me
Out
Out
Out
left nails and wood and pieces of furnitures
(like his bed when he lies awake, lost and torn apart)
And I keep bumping into them
Keep stepping on sharp edges
Making me lose my breath,
my balance
My way
And I don’t know how to get them out


And how am I supposed to build a home
with you
when I’m already full
of broken wood
of the last inherent

To many boys
have put their life in my hands
Forcing me to choose
between mine or theirs
And who can endure with so much blood on the hands?

When the world has gone quiet, it's harder to drown out the cries from the chest, to not listen to the desperate longing for more

And when the world is so grey, it's not easy to keep painting your life with colors, not when you're starting to run out of yellow, orange, red and all that beauty that used to make you shine

And when the only person you see is your reflection, it's difficult to not judge what you see, to not glower bitterly at yourself saying 'is this all there is now? Am I just stuck here with you?'

And when the only one you're talking to is yourself, it's just impossible to not notice that the one talking badly about you, the one hurting you, is the only one you got right now and I need to turn this around because oh my god, I wanna thrive with colors and sing whilst I place beautiful flowers in my head and mind, smiling at my own company.

I've written a hundred books in my mind,
longed thousands of nights,
dreamt a million days away
and yet, you are not here

I keep letting you in,
forgetting that I don't know what to do with you
I try going back, visit us when we were we,
I try to imagine you in my future,
I even try to fill my present with your name on my tongue
but I just can't find any place where you can stay,
where I can make you stay

And it's just such a waste, that's all,
because every scenario of us still makes perfect sense

I hear their accusation in their tongue
so desperate for me
Blaming me for not being what they want
what they need
Even though I never promised them that
Even though every inch of my body have openly
and strongly showed them the opposite
Even my lips has hesitated,
not wanting to give too much away
And still
here they are
breathing so quietly that I need to give them what they crave
without even considering that this was their doing

And it was just as beautiful as he said it was.
But as I asked him to lift me higher, he put me down and left me there on the floor. And Lord, I don't think you've ever seen anything so black as after you've seen the sun, like truly seen it.

It just makes all the other colours disappear with him.

His words still lives within me
and I let them out,
sometimes when I’m not even aware of it
When I make you say something
and it has him all over it

And your innocent eyes brings equal pain
as the words does

I just can't stay like this
- feet on the wall, stomach on the ground, chest all over the place and logic nowhere at all

How can I be so lost
within myself
that I don’t even understand
what my own heart is trying to say
to me
Because my mind,
The only thing I can control,
Keeps screaming
(just like I screamed when I tried to let myself go)

I will make new stories
I must
The old ones are getting sore and stretched out and I refuse to let this be all, to let this be it.

A ******* smack in the face
When you're talking about what you've been doing
over new years eve
over birthdays
over every ******* weekend

And you're not even considerate about my feelings anymore
guess you've forgot the part I was of your group
how important I was

Now, I'm just a friend and nothing more
whilst you continue
living life together
as a whole

I cannot keep going back
to see if he still lives there
In my heart

Come at me wind
make me twirl inside of you,
make my skirt and my hair fly
until I no longer knows where I am
Let me hear your growling strength
and let's see who outscreams who
Make me see that chaos of panic
that is already filling my heart

Come on and push me,
just push me, closer to the edge
staring down at the almost forgotten dreams,
blinded by the fear and the tears
and just when I think I might not fall after all,
that I will just stay here,
you'll throw me down and make me fly
You'll force me to do what I thought I couldn't
what I thought I was not strong enough to do
And this storm inside of me will rage and let go at the same time
and I will be on my way, at last

Please.
Please rage at me my dear storm.

All those dreams of how I'll meet you are keeping my chest calm

You were mine before I even had myself
and we twirled together, forming intertwined parts were it was impossible to see where you started and I followed

And I held on to you for so long,
like who I was were so dependent on you staying a part of me,
on you staying with me,
for me, in me,
as me

"Because they want to" is never reason enough. It is barely a reason at all.

I awake full of you and nothing else
and when the dreams sink back,
I have nothing left

I'm mad at myself for wanting something more than me. How can I not be enough?

You are so much closer to me tonight
even though it was half a life ago since we last spoke

And the words I have written about you,
the words we shared every night,
our words,
they are ringing so loud in my ears

As if we were still there.
As if life never happened.
As if the nights and the words still belonged to us