if you were hurtling towards the busiest road in your town, too
with a life full of darkness only occasionally
breached by the sun
you might not think i'm crazy for saying
in that split second moment,
vision blurred by the rain or my tears i don't know,
but i wasn't sure
if i was going to stop.
-a.c.b

is it bad
that i can already taste the goodbye
on your tongue?
-a.c.b

for someone so guarded,
i sure get attached easily.
-a.c.b

it always starts the same way-
mild disinterest, apathy
growing like ivy on old stone,
rapidly multiplying until you can’t even
find the door.
then comes the anxiety,
an iron fist clenched around the tendons of my heart,
questioning ever decision i make, every
thought floating through my mind like
my own soul, never tied down.
it haunts me in my dreams, sneaks up
behind me whenever i forget about it.
my own mind is my downfall.
third is the sadness, of course
but it’s happened enough by now
that you can see the shroud of darkness from
a mile away, maybe
next time you can warn me that it’s coming,
shout at me to run before
it consumes me again. sure,
the sadness is pain but
at least by then i know it’s coming,
from the moment i lose interest in my grades
snap at my friends
cry because my heart aches.
at least i can prepare myself, pray
this time it will be fast
even though i know it won’t.
at least i can spend longer crafting the perfect lie,
stop hating myself so much because i know
when the time comes my own resolve
will crumble...
just like that old ivy covered stone.
at least i know that one day,
i’ll see the sun again.

i told you not to make promises you can't keep
yet you still swore to me
you were in this for the forever.
you promised me you wouldn't leave,
and then you left.
should i even be surprised?
they've always left.
-a.c.b

i don't know what's worse-
the agony of holding on
or the agony of letting go.

and here i was
so foolish,
thinking that i was able to
look into his ocean eyes and
not see a reflection of my own beating heart.

i’m used to rainy days.
and it’s okay,
because i’ve always loved the rain,
loved the smell of it
and feel of it
and taste of it, as an earthy drop
lands on my lips.
i know that there are
unexplained rainy days,
where nobody could predict it
but the storm hit so
hard & heavy
that it couldn’t help but drown the one,
unlucky girl standing under the rain cloud.
but i also know that
these days are supposed to be
few & far between, at least
where i’m from.
but lately,
(does the last two years still count as “lately?”)
the rain clouds keep showing up,
pounding me again & again
before i get the chance to breathe
like an unrelenting ocean.
i honestly can’t remember
what the sun feels like,
and that scares me
because the girl once filled with it
is now soaked,
waterlogged—
rain streaming out of every pore.
too much of anything can
make you hate it—
i can now confidently say that
i hate the rain.
-a.c.b

i'm tired of it.
tired of never-ending rainstorms
and oceans promising hydration
when all i get is salt rubbing against my organs
like sandpaper.
tired of lightning striking twice
and landing me in the same situation i'm always in.
tired of preaching about self love and then always hating myself
no matter what,
for going back to the same people,
going back to the same bad habits,
never truly healing.
tired of stressing about stress so much that
my eye starts twitching and
all i want to do is sleep.
tired of having no motivation,
no interests,
sometimes walking through the day in a haze
while other times i can't stop the waterfall of tears.
tired of believing people when they say it'll get better,
believing people when they say they'll be there.
save it for someone else,
i couldn't believe it even if you
meant it anyways.

music’s blasting,
people laughing,
but i feel all alone.
people leer and
you’re not here;
i’m staring at my phone.
“have fun!” they said,
“my friends are dead” says
one particular rapper.
but your absence hurts
from here it gets worse-
i know it shouldn’t matter.
it’s been a week
bad thoughts have leaked
into my own brain.
cause missing you
is like hitting undo
on all the progress i’ve made.
i thought i was through but
now i’m blue
not unlike the color of your eyes.
i’m over mistakes
i’m allowing myself to take
all your empty promises and lies.
so here we are,
i thought i’d gotten far
but it seems we’ve been here before.
i’m tired of being friends
this ******* can end,
boy, i’m ready for more.

you know it's bad
when i would rather deal with my unmedicated depression
than this loss of you.
-a.c.b

i’ve always loved the rain.
but today was different.
today the rain wasn’t hydrating me,
the rain was drowning me.
poundingpoundingpounding
so hard yet
i couldn’t get up,
just laid there under a smoky sky
a monotone grey
letting the raindrops hit me,
one by one a pinprick
a sting
of the cold water on my bare stomach.
i couldn’t speak, couldn’t move,
couldn’t breathe,
yet at least it reminded me
i am still alive.
-a.c.b

look at me.
look how fragile i seem on the outside.
look at my mahogany eyes,
my walnut hair streaked with the sun's rays.
my kind smile, fair skin.
i look innocent, don't i?
i look harmless, right?
i can break easily?
no.
my heart is made of steel,
only growing stronger each time i let someone in that betrays me.
my soul is cut out of the strongest, hardest
diamond out there,
but it is equal parts obsidian and milky opal.
i can throw a punch that would surprise a grown man;
hear my roar from within.
i may look like a lady-
act like one, too,
but i am stronger than i look.
i have been knocked down more times than i can count,
and i have picked myself up each time,
becoming smarter, stronger, more experienced.
i will not change for you,
dress for you,
sugarcoat for you.
but you know what i will do?
surprise you.
i will always surprise you.

with a heavy heart,
i write.
i write to save my life,
to make myself feel something
when the rain pounding my window
gets too monotonous.
i write to confirm my faith
in words,
that even when everyone else fails me,
they will be waiting
(to be bled)
on my notebook's pages.
they don't judge me.
i write when
i am in love,
when i need an outlet to expel color,
when i need a list of metaphors
(to compare to his eyes).
my pen is the only one who knows
why i press so hard
(when i write your name).
i write because i'm broken,
because even the closest to me
don't know
what the hell is going on beneath the surface.
i'm sorry for isolating myself but
you couldn't help me anyways.
i write to remind myself
of the beating of my own heart,
the tears in my eyes, half-moons
in my palms.
(i write to remind myself
that i am alive.)

it's not that i'm depressed.
it's just that i've become incapable of being optimistic,
lost the ability to believe in empty cliches like
"it will get better."
it,
this mysterious pronoun has had a year and a half
to get its **** together,
to get better.
it hasn't been able to tell me
what the hell is going on in my brain.
it's not that i'm depressed.
it's just that my thoughts are smoke rings swirling around my head
clouding my vision,
tainting my decisions,
inhibiting my inhibitions.
it's hard to see the light when the spectrum is in
black & white,
the same monotone colors like
the dimness of my phone screen as
grey tears fall on it, dissipating
the smoke rings around my head.
it's not that i'm depressed.
it's just that sometimes i stand in the shower with
the water so hot i can
just
barely
take it but
isn't that the irony of it anyways?
the only time i can feel,
the only time i can breathe
is when i'm being drowned in a torrent of hell-water.
don't worry, satan approves of my
misgivings.
it's not that i'm depressed.
it's just that my words clot in my veins like stones
jabbing at my insides to be let out,
crawling up my throat,
begging,
no--
demanding
to be let out or else.
or else what? you may ask.
well the answer is or else
i may never see the sun again,
i may never smile that smile
so many say could light up a city.
it's not that i'm depressed.
just maybe a little sad
sometimes.

i waltzed at night
with my deepest fears,
soaking the air
with my salty tears.

what a glorious day
to fall apart,
seen the world through kaleidoscopes
at the tearing in my heart.

a valley of ominous
and secret minds alike
i feel the stable beat of my heart
spike.

the water pours on my body,
drowning me in despair.
i lived for love
but sadly, love is no longer there.

so the colors muddle together,
a montone grey paints the scene.
the skeleton bones of my heart
have long since been pristine.

as the concrete walls close in on me,
once and for all,
i just can't believe
i ever let myself fall.

it still feels like a dream, honestly.
the thought of your lips on mine,
hands on my waist,
my hands placed on your chest.
i felt your smile through your kiss,
got to taste just how happy i make you
and that, my dear
is the best thing i’ve ever tasted.
-a.c.b

from a secret admirer:

i remember the first time i saw you;
you were wearing that
soft periwinkle sweater i love,
the one that hangs off your curves in the same delicate way
you choose each word so carefully,
like each one holds the consequence
of each broken heart.
i hope one day i can
break down those walls,
show you how beautiful you are to me.
until then,
sleep well, la mia musa.

response:

i remember the first time i saw you, too;
you were wearing your favorite navy shirt and i couldn't help
but notice your ever-present beauty
past the hurting,
past those chocolate eyes that hide
everything you've pushed down for so long.
i would love to be
la tua musa.

it's okay to feel.
baby i know
the world is telling you you're weak if you
feel,
that the tears in your eyes symbolize your lack of strength,
but you've been strong for too long,
i know that, i do;
so honey
let  
     it
         go.
let those tears pour down your face
with the strength of a million wails,
scream! cry! let the sobs
tear through your body
until the moans can barely escape your lips.
let your face contort
into a picture of agony,
feel each
individual string in your heart
pull
pull
snap.
fall on your knees, pound the floor
jesus let yourself be "weak."
and then pick yourself back up,
fix your smudged lipstick, and
learn to forgive the world
and yourself.
learn to live again.

when you saw me in the halls today
i’m sure i looked happy.


that is how good i am at lying.
-a.c.b

the days where i'm always happy
have come and gone...
if Life is the player
then i am the pawn.
toxic thoughts seep through my skull--
stress and jealously and doubt.
he soothes me with his voice,
says, "keep calm in the fallout."
i can't help myself,
nothing from anyone else, either.
happy? sad?
but i am neither.
empty is the best way to put it,
ignoring all feelings- old and new.
to be honest, it helps distract me
from missing you.
i wish i didn't always forge
such deep and meaningful connections,
always forced to deal with
such painful recollections.
i dream of the day i grow up
and finally find my "last,"
my first- now only
a distant memory in my past.

it’s at night i feel the most alone,
when my insecurities come out to play
and the only light
is coming from the flickering lightbulb
beside my bed.
you see, this is why
i time stamp all my poems written after 11pm, because i know after that
is entering
the Lonely Hours, as i call them
and anything i write then
should be taken with a grain of salt.
it’s not on purpose,
it’s just because i know myself
and i know
the Lonely Hours will always come.
-a.c.b

i was scared for a while
when i thought i lost my words,
the once endless monologue slowing to a trickle
until
...nothing.
no poetry, no words,
no stanzas pushing at my lips and itching my fingers
to be released.
i thought, "if i've lost my poetry, what am i?"

and then he looked at me
and said,
“you make me feel like i could win the lottery
with a parking ticket.”
-a.c.b

with the windows rolled down
and the radio turned up,
don’t you ever tell me this isn’t enough.
cause this is it right here
the only thing i need.
you in the drivers seat,
right beside me.
you are my knight,
my protector and shield
our souls chase each other
through the sunflower fields.
wondering where we’ll go
when our bodies are no more
but we know that our souls will stay together,
forevermore.
and the moon hangs on top of the world
the spotlight of our love,
we dance and sway to the background
of the stars above.

i would like to burn your name off my lips,
make you take back every sleepless night i spent
sobbing over you.
the problem is you do not know about those nights,
don't know about the little pieces of my heart that break off everytime i see you.
don't tell me unrequited isn't love.
it's simply the worst kind,
a product of what happens when you give your all,
and it's simply not good enough.

one moment i'm on top of the world,
love filling my chest and
floating up my throat until all i can speak is poetry,
rose petal words twisting in the air in front of me,
swirling and twirling until they come to a rest at my feet,
and i think, "oh boy. what a time to be alive."
and then the next i've crash-landed,
my aircraft a mangled mess sitting beside me,
the tears pouring down my cheeks like i was made to cry.
these are the times when i realize i've pushed everyone
away away away
and i realize i've even lost the ones
i spent too much time deciding on.
it turns out they all move on eventually,
even when they promise to be your home.
i didn't even know i wanted you
until you left.

the meringue at the end of my fork is strong;
it stands on its own, whipped
light, airy
it is filled with sugary sweet air
but soon,
it collapses, deflates
air oozes out through the cracks in its armor
soon it is nothing
but a cracked shell on the ground,
empty, hopeless
unaware that it ever knew how
to stand on its own.
-a.c.b

it’s midnight and i’m
overthinking, of course
because what else would i be doing?
it’s my favorite nighttime activity,
you know
letting my brain pick apart
every conversation we’ve ever had,
letting it bully my heart into believing
i made it all up in my head;
he could never love me anyways.
the tears are streaming freely now,
and i’m not exactly sure why,
all i know is i’m tired
and it’s not because it’s midnight.
-a.c.b

i wonder if you’ve noticed,
her fingers are always stained with
black or blue ink,
sometimes purple,
color seeping through the
swirls on her fingerpads,
color imprinted on her milky skin,
forevermore.
you asked why,
she said “writing”
...you never stopped to ask
what kind of writing stains your fingers
everyday?
well,
it’s the kind that takes you over,
the kind that controls you
completely.
the kind where
you don’t know what words will come out of you
until
you see them written on the page
in your own handwriting.
it’s the kind of writing you couldn’t stop,
even if you wanted to.

isn't great for much,
but we get the best sunsets.
no, it's not the caribbean
certainly not santorini
or venice
or the aurora borealis in alaska
but we get by,
with pink cotton candy clouds, edges pinched and dragged
across the inky sky,
edges twirled up like feathers on a dove,
the sky behind dissolving into
shades of indigo and cerulean,
fuchsia and mango,
sunshine and cobalt.
no, they're not life-changing
but they're beautiful to me
yes, we get by
in my little corner of the world.
-a.c.b

do you ever re-read my words?
do you ever find yourself
flipping through old pages,
clicking through old poems
just to get a taste of my soul?
i see you sitting there, deep in thought.
are you craving my poetry?
i'm sure you're wishing you could visit me in the galaxies
i made for you,
take a swim in the cerulean waters floating through space.
tell me-- do you still dream in black and white?
or have my words sparked a palette within you,
a painting you'd never seen?
i gave you access to a world once shrouded
in petty ideas of logic,
instead of canyons full of literary masterpieces.
i think you do more than "re-read my words."
i think you become them.

my words have always been the strongest part of me.
solid, loud;
they scream my thoughts for me when i can't even get out a whisper...
but lately i haven't been writing as much.
my once resilient syllables are now translucent snowflakes
floating in the air, shattering on my bedroom floor
with each tear.
they are unsure of themselves, a string of vowels and consonants
so violently aware
that there's been a change;
my words have finally failed me.
-a.c.b

he fell for my words
before he fell for me,
drinking in all my commas
and caesuras
and “random” capitalizations
before he got to know
my mahogany eyes or
love for elephants and
all things pink.
he fell for my words before he saw
just how not okay i am,
but i guess,
by reading my words,
he already knew that.

at 16 years old i fell in love with a boy
with the most beautiful brown eyes i'd ever seen
god if he looked at you the way he does at me
i promise you'd fall too, but
i only paint in blue now
it's not his fault but
i'm kind of really worn down now
it's not his responsibility but
he's breaking all his vows now
says he's always there but
finds an out somehow now
i wish someone would just teach me how
now
to feel okay getting out of bed in the morning, i mean
i know it's the middle of january
and the skies are always grey
but the coldness is much deeper
and the frost comes by and freezes anything liquid
so i guess it makes sense that frozen tears are tripping
down my face
dripping over lace
lies and cries and "yes, i'm fine"s
and it's not just the snow
it's always the rain
disdained complaints of a battle with pain, i mean
every time i open my eyes a little piece of me dies
even with his lips
speaking poetry to the skies
i am still not sleeping at night
my lunch goes uneaten
even the way he touches me
never translates to my dreaming
the nights are always cold now
i've got no one to hold now
'cause the only other person that's ever slept in my bed
is off with the boy who only loved me in my head
i SWEAR i'm happy for them
oh, can't you tell?
i swear i'd smile for you
if i wasn't living in Hell
she was caught in those oceans
the same way as i did
but this time it's all them
it's not one-sided
and that was the first
start to the worse
syllables falling apart when we
used to be well-versed
i'm burst, feel cursed
no way to reverse
i'm sorry this is all over the place
it's a little unrehearsed
but he's running
and she's with him,
he finally found someone that can keep up
i never joined track freshman year so
i can't keep up
but i miss her
more than i kiss him
and yeah, that's a lot--
i guess that's the difference
'cause yes, i found my prince
but we're both struggling to be strong
finally buckling under the things
we've been hiding for so long
but the darkness is the one thing
not changing with the seasons
conspiracy against my own heart
is still technically treason
call me an anti-hero-- i was that night
body on the floor seizing,
doing all the wrong things
for all the right reasons
i'm both objective, subjective, painfully adept at
burning bridges and then regretting the decision
envisioned a better revision
not this painfully clear collision
incision, indecision
no good at provision

my words have become jumbled,
the truth blurs to lies
but he really does have
the most beautiful brown eyes.
-a.c.b

i'm sure the neighbors looked out their windows
streaked with rain,
saw the girl walking along, draped
in rainclouds she was grey,
everything about her screamed sadness,
all the life within her had
long since died.
i'm sure they were concerned,
i'm sure they pitied her,
wondered how the clouds had fallen from the sky
and clung to this girl, with that lovely smile
and sparkling eyes oh how they wished
she would just step inside
and wait for the sun.
-a.c.b

you say you’re not a poet but
with a girl like that,
how could you speak
anything less than
the stars?
-a.c.b

oh baby
kiss me under a midnight sun,
a full moon,
a garden of stars.
replace the neurons in my brain
with phantom thoughts of you.
i want your name
d r i p p i n g
from my tongue like honey.
shower me in your words,
let me bathe in your stanzas
and drown in the syllables that escape your frozen lips.
the passion consumes me,
your eyes ensnare me,
oh baby,
let me be your queen.

i was trying to pay attention to your voice, and what you were saying
but instead,
my mind kept wandering to
your crooked teeth,
and the way your eyes crinkle into almonds
when you laugh,
and your t-shirt fitting snugly
around your muscles
and the way your top lip curls down when you smile and
your lips & your lips & your lips.
darling i’m sorry for staring but
you’re adorable,
in a **** kind of way
and the way you glance down at your shoes when you smile
and then back up again
makes me want to kiss you so bad i’m sorry
because i know we silently agreed to take things slow but
i didn’t anticipate you catching me
the way i was caught.
-a.c.b

time has healed
everything but the memories,
of which still spring up on me unexpectedly
through the radio playing your favorite song
or me seeing your eyes in every cerulean thing i look at.
the pain is still there,
but it's a bittersweet pain,
the kind that will never erase you from my life completely.
i never said i wanted to erase you from my life completely.
forgive my tears but
i'm moving on.

he's sitting right next to me
but i still feel his absence as if i'd never met him,
the wondering if my life could be made better by one person.
it rains all the time now,
now that we've been broken.
now that i've broken things.
now that you've broken me.
i can only say "i miss you" so many times,
but the ache inside me is so deep
i can't remember what it's like to be sunny.
i always thought heartbreak was overdramatic
but now i see
it has never been expressed enough-
no amount of lyrics,
poems
or advice could prepare me
for the pain of living without you.

i’m trying to convince myself
that i don’t love you
but it’s hard when
you can taste poetry on my tongue.
-a.c.b

i am not his responsibility.
i am supposed to be strong.
i am supposed to be self-loving, independent.
i am not supposed to need him,
to yearn for his honey drenched words to shower over me
until my tears have dried.
it is not fair that he is my drug,
that i am more addicted to him than i could ever be
to anything else.
it scares me just how much
i can't live without him.

it was a perfectly good song,
the kind of words that resound in your head
long after the final note has been sung.
it was a perfectly good song until
i saw you in it,
saw you woven through each line and melody,
and then it was more than just a perfectly good song.
it was you.
every time i saw you, everytime you kissed me,
everytime our ivory skins touched
you were that song.
it was a perfectly good song
as it replaced wedding bells, as
we swayed through an open dance floor
surrounded only by those melodies
and our love.
that song was beaded all over my white gown,
tucked into your tuxedo jacket
instead of a boutineer.
it was a perfectly good song until you left,
until that song was the only thing i had left of your ghost,
until i threw up those lyrics on the side of the street
when i thought i glimpsed you in the crowds.
it was a perfectly good song until those words
were the only thing keeping me company at 2am, besides my own shadow,
of course.
it was a perfectly good song
until it wasn’t.

do you know how annoying it is
to have to ******* remind yourself
to be happy?
-a.c.b

i said i was over you but
you were laying there, and i wanted
nothing more
than to lay my head on your chest,
feel your heartbeat below my cheek.
i said i was over you but
with my head pressed against your back
as
you gave me a piggy-back ride,
just so my feet wouldn't get wet,
i couldn't help but to savor the feeling of my arms
around you.
i said i was over you but
you were laughing as you joked around with my family,
and i could tell you were comfortable,
and i could tell they love you,
and all i could do was sit and look at you,
for i don't think i've ever seen something so beautiful.
i said i was over you but
when i hugged you,
remarking how tall you are and
you momentarily rested your hands on my hips...
my breath caught and i know i was
blushing
before you wrapped your arms around me again.
i said i was over you  but
i'm pretty sure i swore
never to write poetry about you again...
so what is it i'm doing right now?

i can’t do this anymore.

my tears are made of paper and
origami cranes are floating down my cheeks;
your eyes have never looked so gold
and mine have never looked so grey,
something tells me those cranes aren’t
waterproof-
they are filling with water, disintegrating into
rivulets of water and paper
my eyes are hardening every time i look at you
while yours are melting;
my cranes no longer have the strength
to fly.
-a.c.b

the pain is draped
over my heart, squeezing
more than a tug,
snapping, the heartstrings break
one by one.
and one by one,
my insecurities come hurtling at me
from where they were protected,
locked away by your words,
now bursting at the seams to remind me
how weak i truly am.
-a.c.b

i see visions of you in my subconscious,
words tumbling out when i see your face,
fumbling to find
the proper adjectives to describe you
i can’t
because there is no one on this planet
who can love me so intangibly,
so inarguably i can't
even focus because you’re always on my mind,
every other thought tinted cerulean,
every thought turned
patterns of your words so weaved into
my life i thank you
for being the one constant in my life,
so consistent in bringing me up
from the depths of my own darkness i don’t mind
that the pain is draped over my heart when
your face is draped over my mind.
-a.c.b