I cannot concentrate
When they are home.

It hurts my brain
When all I hear
Is loud voices
And the sound of the TV.

I feel like I can't be myself
When I am around them.

Lightheaded
Anxiety driven
And lethargic.

Oh universe, tell me why.
Why, do I feel this way?

What does my feelings and
Thoughts really convey?

Hunger for something -
Anything takes form.

When they are gone.
My mind returns to peace.
Only to be interrupted
Once again, when they return.

Tired eyes
Blinking with the
Sound of my every breath.

I stare at the rustic table in front of me.
I see things without actually seeing them,
My mind wanders to places I don't
Want to think about.

I try to widen my eyes and focus
So maybe I can stay in this
Permanent zone for a little
While longer.

Thoughts still race through my mind
In slow motion
And I want the world to stop...

And.

Listen...

To the whole essence, that is me...
Because I simply cannot
Express myself
In the ways that matter.

It upsets me
Because I cannot be brave
As the characters in story books, that I love so much

I try to write my feelings to you...
The feelings that
I cannot simply
Portray...

My ideas are lost
In a pool of unknown
My mental mind
Is but a vast ocean
During a scary storm.

Water churning and
Turning over and over again
Until the darkness stops.
And the light reaches the
Depths of our souls...

Only then
Will we be calm...

Living a lie,
You wander through
Your bleak view of life.

You want to perish
In this world of sin.

Leaving me alone
When I am yours to cherish.

Have you felt the severe love
For I have weaved its very
Essence into my words?

I wonder if my poem
Will reach the depths of
Your heart.

They say it is unreachable.
They say it is unmanageable.
They say you should submit yourself to the darkness.

But what do you say?

You submit yourself...anyway.

To me, you are now a subtle dream.
From a far away life.
My soul screams in agony.

My entirety is shred
Into a million pieces.
For my soul is nothing but dead.

Yearning for you
Searching for you...

In every turn of my head on a busy sidewalk.
In every time the news channel mentions Europe.
In every time I spy a magnificent green dragon.

...

I am scared
Of the world.

I am curious
Of what lies beyond.

I am worried
Of the decisions
I'll have to make.

I am cautious
Of my reactions.

I am afraid
Of time
Slipping away.

I am anxious
Of my feelings.

I am selfish
For loving.

I am torn
Between fact
And fiction.

I am lost
When I think
Of my future.

But I am at peace
When I think of
You.

As I lie awake
Tonight...

The fuel
Keeping me going is
Hope.

Hoping for a better
Future
In this world
Of toxicity

And less focus
On hate
And more
On love.

My heart bleeds
For the many
Who are
Currently suffering.

If there is a God
Out there...
Save us all.

We need it.
We all need saving.
In one way
Or another...

As I sit here
Thinking of you...

I worry,
I cry,
I blush,
and I just want to say
that I have a massive crush.

Feelings are mutual,
but from miles away.

What do I do
When all we do is
Connect with words
All night and day?

These feelings are foreign
For no one has ever loved me.

Unrequited love
Was my past.

Now you
are my present.

Listen, closely.  
As water
Droplets
Thud.
Thud.
Thud.
On your windowsill.

You brush back
The curtain
To watch the drops
Drip
And
Glisten
In the darkness.

Suddenly, a bright, flash swallows the
Vast sky...
And you look up.

Frightened that the storm
Will never end...
You jump back into your bed.

Laying on your back.
Breathing, heavy
You shut your eyes, tight.
And count the number of times
The lightning strikes.

Waiting for the storm
To pass...
Her name on your lips,
Like a prayer.

Warmth
Sunshine.
Spreading.

Twisting.
Spiraling.
Slowly.

Upwards.
Reaching my
Shoulders.
My arms.
My neck.

Covering my face
Like a blanket of bliss.

As the sun shifts,
And changes directions…

No more bright light
Covers my face

As the cold and
Dark shadows
Invade my space.

Like an unwanted
Feeling.

I hate being alone.
It frightens me.

In the middle of the night.
When the cold, undisturbed air
Glides over my
Exposed skin.

Oh, the thoughts I have.
Twisted.
Dark.
Ugly.
A whirlwind of
Insanity.

I can't be alone.
With my my thoughts.
It terrifies me.

Blinking, slow.
Eyes half closed.

Staring at the holy light.
My mind battles.
With emotions
I cannot name.

...

In the morning,
Daydreams I cannot
Speak of
Haunt me.
Throughout the day.

So, I imagine
That I am a brave soul.
And, happily,
Be on my way.

Sitting silently.
Waiting.
To be used.

The time will come when
They will
Turn on...

Bright.
And vibrant.
Practically, glowing
In the night.

Quiet and still for hours.
Growing warm by the
Minute.

Until they are forced to
Blink out.
And return
To their dark
And lonesome
Ways.

My heart beats wildly
Fiercely.
But

I am an empty vessel.
No soul...
Nothing.

I yearn for something more.
But I won't let
Myself have it.

I will not allow
This sort
Of happiness
Belong in my
Life.

The one where
One loves
Another.

These are the rules
In my heart.
Permanently etched.

Wish I could melt
My feelings
Away.
Into.
A.
Giant.
Sea.

You see,
I am not cut out
For this happiness.

Overthinking.
Overdoing.
Overachieving.
Over-trying.
­I am just over-everything.

Facing sideways,
A tear trails down
My face.

My mind is racing,
Zigzagging.
Forming.
Calculating.
Identifying.
Backtracki­ng.
My mind is simply marveling...

In all the things
In my life.
The good.
The bad.

My mood,
Feels so sad.

It’s late.
And a door for contemplation appeared.
Seemed like the right gate
To open...
On a winter night
Like tonight.

When the silence is ever so vast.
And the darkness is ever so deep and unending...

Staring deep
Into the darkness
Above you.

What do you see?

Do you see shadows?
Demons?
Ghosts of the past?
Memories?

Well, I see the future.
The what-if’s.
And the “could-be’s”

I see my reflection.
My own self.

Its like looking into
My head.
Sifting through
The many ideas and thoughts.

...

The darkness, sometimes,
Presses down on me like
Compressed air.

I stare.
And stare.
And can’t blink my eyes shut

...

Alas, I am
Trapped in a
False world.
Where no one
Can reach me.

Till sleep finds me.
And claims me.

...

Only then,
Will I be free.

You are a melody.
Melancholic.
Mysterious.
Masked.
A master of words.

Sometimes I wonder…

What worlds have you seen?
What worlds have you known?
What has broken you?
What dreams would you tear your soul for?

What life would you desire...
If
You could have the world?
Has anyone asked you that?

But...

You’re in space
But not really.
Reaching for the unknown…
Higher and higher
And higher you go…

You have a destination.
You are determined.

But.
You.
Are.
Floating.
Kind of don’t know where you’re going.

"Can i be carefree?
Is it okay to be lost?"

Just.
Close your eyes.
Feel the air.
Around you.
You’re on cloud 9.
Spinning
Whirling.

STOP.

You start falling.
Down.
Into the dangerous depths of
Your own demise.

But...

The thing is...
This time,
YOU can stop it.
And you do.

The sun strikes my eyes
As I turn my head, left
To look out
The ***** window.

And it suddenly
Hits me.

Searing my eyes
With pain.

Blinding my mind
With white magical light.

At that moment
I think...

No...
I don't think.

I simply close
My eye lids
And with my mouth
I smile.

The widest smile-
The corners of my lips
Reaching my cheeks.

And I breathe.
Breathe and beam.

Enjoying this moment.

The sun
And me.

I slowly open my eyes
And colors swim
Before me

Blurry but
As I blink rapidly,
The world grows
Clear.

I strain my ears
Listening for the
Tick tock
Of the bathroom
Clock.

I feel the soft,
Cotton sheets
Under me.

I breathe in…
The fresh smell
Of fall time breeze
Rolling through
My open window.

I try to reach for my
Digital world--
So close
Yet, so far.

But I stop myself…

And.

Close my eyes,
Yet again.
Using my magical senses
To explore
And enjoy

The time
We call
Morning.

Brewing.
Steeping.
The leaves of the crunchy,
Dry,
Oolong tea.

The chocolatey aroma…
So intoxicating
Like a psychedelic dream.

Auburn orange.
Amber yellow.
How these colors swirl within the tea cup.

Dipping a spoon in to twirl it.
Left.
Right.
Counterclockwise.

At last, the tea was ready.
Cool.
Not too hot.
Not too cold.
Just right, like porridge.

The girl was ready
To savor the
Lovely drink.

She took the tea cup.
In her delicate hands.
Tipped it to her chapped lips.

The warm liquid
Glided.
Smoothly.
In her mouth.
Down her throat.

Her tongue wanting more.
She smiled,
Before continuing to
Finish
Her ravishing tea.

The feel
Of my hands
Turning the rough
Pages of a worn
Out book.

Staring endlessly at
Little black letters.

Who could have known
That it would make a
Girl so ecstatic?

…

How I dream
To embed
Myself
Into the
Mythical worlds
Built from words.

How truly amazing
It is for
Someone

To create
Such
Magic
With a few verses.

Alphabets morph
Into words
Into sentences
Into Imagination
And one day

...Into reality.

Where does your mind go
When you lie awake
At night?

Where does your mind go
When you daydream
Endlessly?...

When you should be focused on
Something else.
Not dreams.

Dreams like that are
Not for you...

They said...

A tragic day
For the world.

Ashes and memories
Left.

To mourn.
Till eternity.

But for some.
It's a birthday.
Or an anniversary.

Can one's sadness be
Someone else's joy?

Sadness erupts from
Thoughts &
Daydreams.

Wishful thinking &
Nightmares.

Loneliness &
Reality.

The list can go on
And on…

Must I feel this way
When I have nothing to gain?

Must I torture myself
When I feel so empty?

The bane of my existence
Is to feel this pain.

I can’t embrace happiness
The way most folks do.

If I ever were to feel
Joy…

Then that would be only
In paradise.

Feelings of warmth
Fade away

As I start descending back
Into reality.

The past few days were pure bliss
Love and happiness all bundled
In one huge wrapped gift.

The feelings are mutual
With everyone invited.

Festivities of light
End abruptly

With darkness
Looming behind us.

Waiting to strike at any moment.

Who am I?
I think to myself all the time.

I want to be someone.
But how do I figure that out?

I have this dream.
But is that who I really am?

How do I know?
I feel lonely and
Scared.

Life is a clock.
Keeps moving
Never stopping.

One day.
I will be left behind.

While the world moves on.
Slowly, but
Surely.

Steady.
But I am not ready
For the universe

To see me
For who I am.
Who I want to be.

I am frightented
To challenge myself.

Monotonic movements.
Day by day.

Feeling low.
Drunk on daydreams.

When will I feel whole?
When will I be...

ME?

Thinking of you
Makes my heart swell.

Not in a bad way
but also not in a good way.

There are times when I know what to say.
And there are times where I feel so far away.

Lost.
In.
Thought.

Dreaming of possibilities that could be.
Imagining a world painted with you and
Me.

I am still waiting for the day that you come back.
It might be never.
But I can't wait forever.

It scares me that I have such
Deep.
Feelings.

I want it to go away.
Please go away.
I want to be free.

Free from this ache in my blood.
It sings to me.
Everytime I think of you.

This digital world kills me.
Slowly.
Feelings of heartbreak, loneliness,
Laughter, happiness, and excitement
Swallow you whole.

You can’t trust them.
It feels real, at first.
But this isn’t reality.

You must know that.
She did know.
But she dove right in, anyways.

The problem with being different...
Is that you look elsewhere for friendship.
And love.

It’s not all bad.
But mostly, it is.

She was curious, at first.
Simple conversations.
So genuine.

So, when it happened,
She felt nothing.

Deep in her heart,
Perhaps, she felt something.
Worry?
Care?

She never dared to show it.
Because she believed it
To be a form of weakness

That will consume you
And bury you
Alive.

Lonely.
So helplessly alone.
Wishing to be freed
From this misery.

Only God can help me succeed.
I pray
And pray.

Trying hard to believe in myself.

But it is hard to find hope in a world
That has tasted evil.

A boy with no soul.
A girl with a soul.
Wishing to converge as one.

The boy has a dark past.
Listens to no one.
Is stubborn and foolish.

Will he listen to her?
Will he change?

His past haunts him so.
A mother.
A tragic ending.
Death.
All too painful for the boy.

He tells her nothing.
She is scared to understand him.
There is something soft about the way he wants you.

Reciprocating the same feelings?
No...
Not at all.
The boy wants something.
You want something else.

Fall leaves change.
Winter comes and goes.
There are no feelings for the boy anymore.
He doesn’t reach out to her.
Her words do not comfort him as it once did.
She finds it easy to walk away…

The boy sinks into the darkness
As time passes…
Without the girl, he is dust.

Lies.
Many lies he has told.
This is what happens when digital world comes and goes.
Through your life.

Both boy and girl find it easy to forget.
Living as if they never existed.
Promises of a new beginning uttered never to each other.

Feeling lost.
Frightened
By the terrible
Fate that awaits.

What is that fate?

Your imagination runs wild
Like forest fire,
Consuming the greenery.

Or like animals running free.
Toppling over hills.
Galloping across the sand,
Dangerous territories lie ahead.

Will you enter?
Will you pause.
And think…

Before diving right in
Into the dark unknown.

He smells like parchment
And dried, oolong tea.

He looks like a wolf.
But not really a wolf.

His smiling face,
Always smiling.

The Gods are his people.
He is in love with one.

Before him, is bright light.
He stares at it with much curiosity
And love.

His hands, cold.
After being exposed, all day long.

He never talks about his father,
But his grandmother lives far away.

He finds solace in sketching.
Adding many little details.

But what is his name?

Fingers.
Dancing across the keyboard.
Thoughts expressed with
A few strokes
Of a few keys.

Finger pads.
Punching.
Gliding.

A million things drift through
Her head…

The thoughts running like wildfire.
Coming undone
Through her fingertips.

A pause here
And there…
To gather her mind.

Confused.
And hurt,
But also happy
And content.

She finally rests her *******.
on the third button.
From the shift.

A period.
An ending.
A goodbye.

Brewing.
Steeping.
The leaves of the crunchy,
Dry,
Oolong tea.

He wanted the girl to love it.
As much as he did.
The chocolatey aroma.
Taste.
Smell.
All to be enjoyed by the girl.

He was excited for her to savor it.

Auburn orange.
Amber yellow.
How these colors swirl within the tea cup.

Dipping a spoon in to twirl it.
Left.
Right.
Counterclockwise.

At last, the tea was ready.
Cool.
Not too hot.
Not too cold.
Just right, like porridge.

Ready to be tasted by the girl.
He presented it to her.

She took the tea cup.
In her delicate hands.
Tipped it to her chapped lips.

The warm liquid
Glided.
Smoothly.
In her mouth.
Down her throat.

Her tongue, wanting more.
She smiled at the boy.
Before continuing to
Ravish her tea.

Your hand swipes furiously as you sketch the last remains of a sweater.
Lines.
Marks.
Messy, jaggedy, harsh lines.
Toppled over each other like pick-up sticks.

That girl has been on your mind.
The feel of the pen hard against soft fingertips.
Moving back and forth.
Lines.
Messy lines.

That girl.
The reason for this drawing.
You add her name to the cloak.
It is subtle but there.

The girl doesn’t seem to notice it.
You ask her to look a bit closer.
And.
There.
It.
Is.

Her name.
A hymn.
A prayer.
An answer.
To what?

Wishing Hands
I wish I could see your hands.
Sketching away… a life of its own.

I wish I could see your hands.
Holding a tea cup and sipping slow.

I wish I could see your hands.
Gripping the steering wheel, driving home.

I wish I could see your hands.
Flipping the pages of a worn out book.

I wish I could see your hands.
Holding my hand, an impossible dream.