I snap elastic bands around my wrist
as retribution for craving food; eating I must try to resist.
I spend hours in the cubicle purging everything from within,
this monster attacks me from inside and ignites beneath my skin.
I cry when I look in the mirror and see my grotesquely fat reflection,
and my cheeks are red and extra puffy and I have a pale complexion.
I weigh myself at every opportunity that I get,
and if I haven't lost a single pound I break out in a sweat.
I exercise and exercise until I feel faint and dizzy,
and run around abstaining from eating by keeping busy.
It's sleepless nights with painful tummy twinges,
writhing in discomfort and filling the air with screaming whinges.

And it's dealing with comments like "you don't look like you have an eating disorder"
because I am not stick thin, no - I am a normal weight and on the other side of the border.

A complicated virtue and misunderstood,
trust is overlooked by many - which is no good.
We emotionally invest into the hands of others deeper and deeper;
unknowing of whether they are capable of being a secret keeper.
Our worlds can come tumbling down with just one betrayal,
and once it's gone? It's lost forever - something that cannot prevail.

I cannot help but think of the time,
of the hours ticking by with every chime.
I can't help but notice all that I haven't achieved,
the minutes and hours always have me deceived.



I often ponder all the books I have not read,
of all the things I have not said.
I contemplate all the songs I have not sung,
and of all the slips of my tongue.




I muse over all the people I want to be,
over all the places I want to see.
I realise I'll never acquire all the skills that I'd like
because time is always ready to strike.



I think of all the time I've spent surviving
instead of living; all the times I said my dead soul wasn't worth reviving.
I feel that I have wasted precious years
simply drowning in my own tears.




Time is a mystery and must be well spent,
we should all remain focused on the present.
Take our dreams and make them happen,
otherwise our lives will become meaningless and misshapen.

As Plath once said, "dying is an art"
and just like her it is something I'm good at by heart.
You see, I've died not once or twice but fifteen times,
always by my own hand; sometimes by rope and sometimes
by pills stocked up to the max - always dying
and also always, to my own misfortune, surviving.

You cannot undo
what you have already done.

You've made your bed,
which you must now lie in.

And the worst thing
about your perfidy?

While I lay here in night-long laments,
you are lying tranquil in her embrace.

Dear future daughter...
Don't listen to the other girls who say you're not enough,
and please don't ever allow them to push you to give up.
You are worth much more than anything in existence,
and if anyone cannot see that, they are full of ignorance.

Dear future daughter...
Nobody is ever going to save you,
but your own strength and courage will see you through
all of life's obstacles thrown on your path throughout,
and you will survive it all, I have no doubt.

Dear future daughter...
Your mental health comes before anything else baby,
forget school, you have to put yourself first young lady.
Curl up with a good book and ice-cream galore,
until you feel better and your happiness you can restore.

Dear future daughter...
Boys or girls - whatever your preference,
will break your heart - just for future reference.
Love isn't the be-all and end-all in your world,
even if that is the belief that has been furled.

Dear future daughter...
It's okay if your thighs touch and your tummy isn't perfect,
please remember you are a person and not an object.
You are still so beautiful, embrace your imperfections.
Please notice the beauty in the mirror through your reflections.

Dear future daughter,
Ignorance is not bliss; study and work hard.
Do not allow your perception of learning to become marred.
Value your education - it's the most priceless thing you'll receive,
think of all the things that you alone could achieve.

Dear future daughter...
Don't ever dumb yourself down for a relationship or to "fit in".
Don't ever allow anyone to change you - being yourself is the way to win.
Always be who you are and stand for what you believe in,
speak your mind, help those with no voice and be comfortable in your own skin.

Dear future daughter...
Cherish the little things,
all the beautiful gifts life brings,
you'll soon realise that they were the things that mattered
once the moment has passed - but it's too late - I'm sure you gathered.

Dear future daughter...
These are the things I wish I'd been taught,
Instead I learned the hard way - a life marked by fraught.

I looked at the time, it was seven o'clock,
we were having a party and I was in my best frock.
We were partying away - my friends and I -
dancing around in the moonlit sky.

Drinking away I was starting to feel funny,
when my friend Harry said to me "come in, honey".
Drunk, I followed - I trusted him dearly.
He was going to look after me, I could see it clearly.

But soon I found out that he actually wanted me,
and as he got on top of me, darkness was all I could see.
He lifted up my dress and pulled down my knickers,
and as he did what he had to do, all I could taste in my mouth were liquors.

I told him "no" and told him to stop fiercely,
but instead he carried on and laughed in my ear harshly.
He ****** himself deeper inside,
as he chose to ignore my cries.

I couldn't push him off, he was too heavy,
all colour drained from my face and I began to feel empty.
He was high on drugs and alcohol fuelled,
and he carried on throughout the night until he was fulfilled.

The next day I woke up ****** and feeling *****,
I was covered in bruises and I was full of worry.
My lipstick was smeared and my hair full of knots,
and on my body there were scratches - lots and lots.

Now I'm sitting here three months on,
I've been dealing with this pain alone for far too long.
I swallow the hundreds of pills I've saved up,
and wash them down with alcohol from the drinking cup.