iTs Difficult To Live Mylife,
The Struggle.
The Problems iHave And Keep Creating.
Not Knowing Who iAm
Being A Drug Addict Who Cant Seem To Stop There Bad Habit.
They Say iTs Easy You Just Want To Want iT.
Not iF You Fallen So Low, left All Alone.
iM Deep iN This ****, Deserve To Be 6ft Down To Rest.
iTs The Best.
For Everyone.
iM Doing Nothing But Disappointing The Ones Taking There Time Trying To Support Me.
Wasting There Encouragement Not Knowing iWont Last Long Before iUse And Fall Back in
The Same Cycle All ******* Over Again :/
iTs  Very Sad, To Continue This.
Been To Many Places Yet Nothing Changes,
iM Tired And Overwhelmed .
Why Am iUsing Now?
iFeel Lonely.
This Drug Fills Everything Up inside Of Me.
This is The Reason Why iWent Back To iT.
Before iT Was Cause iLoved The Effects And Kept Trying To Get High Asf Like My 1st Hit,
Then Lead To Me Going At iT Cause
My Body Felt Like iT Couldnt Function Off iT
Which Made Me An Addict .
Loving And wanting To Always Have iT.
Before iT Was Great,
Nobody Knew.
Then they Found Out The Truth.
Ever Since Then Ive Been Living Daily On Lies Having To Hide iT, Denying im On iT When Clearly iTs Obvious.
Chemicals Messing With My Mood ,
My Mind Now Plays Tricks On Me. Dont Know When itl Be Over Cause iDont think il 
 Want To ever Be Sober.

iN & Out Of Rehab
       iRelapse
Then Collapse
iNever
        Commited To Sober Living So Why Are People Tripping?
     Drug Programs
Are A Waste According To My Case.
        im Never  Going to Stop
 unless i O.D And Drop
But Even iN Heaven Thats iF iRise.
            With the Angel
imma Continue Tweaking Cause iM A ****** Tweaker
     Or iN Hell With Fallen Angels.
It'll Be Better,
       Since iSold My Soul To The Devil.
He Never Asked
iJust Gave iT Up.
iFell iN Love With A stimulant Drug made up Of Chemicals ****** Poison But idgaf il Keep Dosing.  
 Went From Snorting To Smoking
    Methamphetamine
iLet iT Get The Best Of Me.

Part 2
Out & iN
2014 iTs Krazie
iM Back To This Dope ****.
Its been Already 4 years and
Im still Addicted.
In & Out
Of Rehabs, Different Drug Programs and Sad That iStill
Havnt learned ****.
Got Out November 19 2014 For The 3rd Time
And im Still Twisting, Getting Lit
Ilove Living Twisted
Im on a comedown
Im irrated right now wanting to take
Another hit.

I'm Feining For A Dose of
Methamphetamine.
I Know I Have successful  Sobriety Days.
But My Thoughts Are Overwhelming Me Heavily.
And What Best Knowing iCan Take A Hit And Forget Everything. I'm Feeling So Low,
Drowning My Self in Guilt And Sorrow. Yes I Know Its Effects Arnt Forever lasting .
But My Heads pounding iJust Want To Feel The **** Flow Blast in.
How Long? How Strong?
Will I Give in or Will Reality Kick quick Which Do You Predict?
Scan Through My History,
Sadning Because My Minds Weak And Would Rather Tweak
Than Go Through it how I'm Supposed to.
Wouldn't Be The First time,
More Like it's the only option
I tend to want to see.
Because of what it brings,
An Easy Solution That will have me Loving its fascinating Pollution.
Deep in me I really don't want to abuse this,
But When I Feel So hopeless
My Mind blinds me on purpose
to reach the Dope Switch
And instantly want to turn to the substance
and use to get high to cope with.

Im Sitting Here
Thinking about life.
As The Homies Are Taking Turns
Passing, Shot Gun
Sniffing, Racking, hot railing
Twisting
The Pookie Pipe 666
The Devils Clear ****
There Getting lost in that ****
Addicts since they were all youngin
Kicking it with 19, 25 30 40 year olds
Im Looking, Then Im looking down.
see the pipe passed on to me
Where ibegan to think and
Look Down On my
Life.
Reality hits me.
Im following the same line, chasing the same thang

Scared Prt 1.
2014
iM Scared Of Losing What
iHave Left.
iM Scared Of Seeing What
iHave Left Go Away.
iM Scared Of Disappointing
My Loved Ones Again.
iM Scared Of Being Reminded
What the reality of Drugs.                        can do once again.
iM Scared iF iM Sober Then Fall
iWont Ever Change again
iM Scared The Drugs Can
Take over me Like it Has before
Once more.
Scared Of Feeling Numb And Live The Whole Drug Addiction Cycle all over.

Scared prt 2.

I Relapsed & Now I'm worried.
Will I Go back to my old ways?
As much as I desire The Feeling of escaping my reality,
I can't live Like that. I don't want to be a drug addict all over again.
The Feeling Is pleasant . The Living of being 1 Is Horrific.

Scared prt 3
2017
I’m scared
Of never finding hope
To believe my life has no worth
To never finding a light
To get lost in the
Darkness of my depression.
Im Scared
To never feel true happiness
To believe I have
No purpose in life.
To see I really don’t matter ..
I’m scared to prove
Myself right.
To really never start a life.
I’m scared to
Then lose my self again
To lonely nights with toxic touches

Scared prt 4

Be aware
I’m not scared like I used to be.
To lose  you, see you walk out.
Watch you leave & end us.
I have drugs.
To replace you,
Forget who you were
Erases our memories & best times.
Be aware
If you do me *****, I don’t care.
Drugs will always be there .
Il depend to forever not feel..
If you leave me, I won’t cry.
I have lines to get me past times.
So please know , I’m not scared.
To be left ,

Scared prt 5
2018

I’m Trapped.
I’m not ok , I’m not safe.
The habits creeping up.
Slowly but rapidly.
I believe I got it together.
I tell myself I got it under control.
But do I really?
Relapsing after 2yrs is making an impact.
I’ve been falling frequently.
For a short time but I’m still using .
It will take ahold of me unexpectedly.
Slowly convince me this Drug life’s worth risking .
I need help .
I look fine.
I haven’t used severely but my minds hyped.
Il Get To that level.
If I don’t reach out in time.
My thoughts are converting slow
I can feel the careless emotions growing.
That’s why I’ve found it so easy to use and get away with it.
“Just today” “it’s only alittle” “I can handle this”
That’s until I build up my tolerance.
Lord Help me .. you know il cause heartbreaks if I turn back to what I Once was..

Scared

I’m so scared.
To get played again .
To get lied and betrayed.
I’m scared of my reaction.
I know il die alive.
I won’t even have the strength to ****** you.
I’d be so broken and just let the world walk all over me.
If you Do me *****
I’d lose it completely.
You’d prove all my doubts correct.
Assumptions I already knew were true in my head.
If you play me, Id lose my head.
Literally, go insane due to confusion & hate.
If you hurt me.
Drugs is what I’m going to be out searching.
Not even ask for an explanation.
I’d be too focused walking straight ahead to my connects house.
If you do me shady.
I Will Be angry at the world.
Scream to the top of my lungs
“WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS
I would drown myself in drugs.
I’d hate the world completely for hurting me when I’ve done none wrong.
I’d go So crazy.
How can I So Loyal Be Played With.
Etcetc can’t even write more

Scared prt 6

2018
Im not scared
Anymore .
I don’t know what to feel
Anymore.
I think I’m worried,
I just don’t feel it
Anymore.
My thoughts try to
Tell me something’s wrong.
I Can’t think of anything..
I’m unsure If I’m ok.
I don’t know if I’m
Even thinking straight.
I remember once feeling
So afraid.
I had to seek help on my own .
For the sake of my sanity.
My heart felt a heavy
Storm coming.
It rushed me to look out
Find shelter .
With strong material .
I started moving .
But did I act fast enough ?
Did I act before or after
Time had already passed..

Scared prt 7.
I’m scared
To Relapse & Stay Stuck
To give up recovery
I’m scared to
Look at you and walk away forever.
To just not care wether you believed I truly loved you.
I’m scared
For my love to be trapped
For all My strength to be gone
Lose it all ,
I’m crying.
Addiction will forever live in me
Wether Active or Overcomed
This drug will Always come
Aslong as I’m Happy , Positive
I won’t want to take a hit
But Even if nothing’s going on
My body & mind will randomly itch.
Ive been walking with this for too long to just erase it .
To forget I had a habit .


Scared prt 8
Jan 2018
Im not scared
Anymore .
I don’t know what to feel
Anymore.
I think I’m worried,
I just don’t feel it
Anymore.
My thoughts try to
Tell me something’s wrong.
I Can’t think of anything..
I’m unsure If I’m ok.
I don’t know if I’m
Even thinking straight.
I remember once feeling
So afraid.
I had to seek help on my own .
For the sake of my sanity.
My heart felt a heavy
Storm coming.
It rushed me to look out
Find shelter .
With strong material .
I started moving .
But did I act fast enough ?
Did I act before or after
Time had already passed..

Scared Part 9
Am I Fine.
Will I not rack a line.
Never touch a Rock in my life.

Am I Good.
Will I not Use again .
Will temptations not be seen as threats ?
Can I handle.
My urges to not Tweak again.
Will my triggers Be nothing to worry about?

Will I never feel tempted.
Have I finally over come every Obstacle of addiction?

I’m sorry.
I’ve worsen , I’m stuck once again.
This time it will be harder .
I’m a recovering addict
Stuck in a constant relapse Cycle.
What must I do
Should I sit & wait
On my next down fall ..

SCARED PRT 10

March 2018
I Didn’t notice.
Like always
I believed I had it all under control.
Everything was ok.
Everything seemed fine.
I felt normal,
I would stop soon.

I was Wrong ..
I Fell Down So quick.
I went hard.
No dubs or teeners.
I went straight to a Ball.
I just went all out.


I lost myself again.
I Lost control of the substance.
I Was trapped.
It became a problem.
One I wasn’t aware of.
I Had no recognition of at all.
I Didn’t see that I couldn’t stop.
I kept going
Kept using without seeing the frequency.
The days spent stuck.
I lost touch with reality.
This previous Relapse
Has been the worst in my life .
I haven’t had a binge like this time since 2015.
I used every day .
For 6 1/2 Weeks.
I lost track of the days & time.
I Sniffed & Smoked 2 8 ***** all to my self.

At the time I didn’t see how crazy that was.
Those weeks, an 8 didn’t surprise me.
The amount didn’t shock or Worry me.

I was fine , I had control.
I was doing ok , everything seemed & felt normal.
It was just a small relapse.


I was wrong
I lost touch with reality.
I formed a habit .
I was addicted again .

The sad part is
I’m able to acknowledge this Only through writing.
In real life , my denial mind
I’m able to handle my addiction. I’m ok & Dont have a problem.


It angers me.
Since my 1st Relapse
In August.
I’ve Fallen Very often.
It saddens me.
How I quickly Skipped
The Weight.
Why does it worry me?
My mind will no longer seek a Dub when I’m triggered to use.
It will want Another ball.

Anything less
My Addictive mind
no longer craves.
It now settles for Big.
This relapse has changed the game for my addict ways.
I’ve Relapsed every month
Since August.
I Had it all under control.
I Was able to use and stop.
Just this last time
I completely lost it.

Scared prt 11

I’m scared .
To lose my strength.
Have no durability.
To Give in So quick.
Be that weak
Where I don’t fear Tweak.
Find it easy
To just go seek.

I’m Worried
To reach that level .
Just Relapse constantly .
not care who Knows.
My problems
Have me overwhelmed.
Every day
The Stress grows .
I can’t bare another
Tug & Pull.

My 18th Birthday Is Coming up
Im Nervous, I Feel Tense While writing this
Will I Continue On Another cycle
Or will i Be strong & Remain keeping count
on my Soberiety days.
Will i Hold back and say no
to the drug..
or will i give in like i did when i turned 14 15 16 17
on the low as the night ends slow
will i resist the urge and stay clean or do it
all over again.
So much to think, the days getting closer..

So Yeah
iFucked With Tweak Again.
How Have iBeen Getting On One? Night Time.
When Everyones Asleep,
***** Major.
My Mind Was Just Beginning
To Sort Out.
iJust Stopped The Process.
By Me Tweaking At Night ?
iM ******* With My Head Again
Still Paranoid Worsening iT.  
iDidnt Enjoy iT ,
But **** Have iBeen Getting High(: iMissed iTs Feeling, iTs So Pure And Dreamy <3
No Wonder iLove iT, Began Reminiscing Deep About iT ^_^ Remembering Why iT iS iSay DopeLove <3$:.

Gotta Love This ****
Changes You Up Quick.
Take A Little Hit, Take A Pop, A Taste, A Bite A Syringe  .
Chemical Effects Seeing Life Unrealistic Getting Super ****** Twisted <3
Loving Life Feeling 20x Better Than Mighty Fine, iTs Fantastic Can Be Long Lasting.
You'll Truly See How Wonderful iT iS, Like Real Magic.
Body Sensation, Mind Blasting,  Euphoria Rising, Smiles, Hugs, Many Laughing.
One Simple Dose Can Make You Feel important, Wanted, Loved,  Above, Amazing, Powerful, Special, invincible.
Your Kept Focused On Yourself And Dreamy Like Flow That You'll Soon Fall inlove With
iTs A Feel indescribable & Just Everything You Can Ask For.
Blocks And Keeps You Away From Your Surroundings, its Unique, intense, Has Suspense , Gives You Affection & So Much Satisfaction Plus Attention Keeps You  Distracted By These Temporary Actions.
You Like What iT Brings You
How Happy & Better Of A Life You Seem To Be Living iN Your Eyes,
it Lies
It'l Keep You Wanting So You Begin And Keep On Finding .
You Used, Now You Abuse
Fell For iTs Tricks,Now You Say
I Can't Live Without This.
Your Life's On Pause Took This Dangerous Vacation Which No One Has A Clue Whether You'll Come Back The Same Or Alive Cause
Your Brains So
Damaged & Fried
You Keep On Consuming Assuming Everything's All Right,
Your Hooked On This Potion Poison That Hypnotized You
Took Ahold Of You
Your Becoming Unknown
Lost Control , Life Spans On A Thin Line, Fast Mode, Became So Distant , isolated
Your Un-Existent To The World Now. But You Yourself Dont Even Give A **** About Anyone But Your Drugs . Went So Low Sold Your Soul To A Heavy Substance Which You Consider Your Only And Lord.
Minds Erased,
Future Hope And Dreams Went All To Waste
Reality Seems Fake
So Used To Being High
You Feel its Your Normal Estate. Have No Faith Became So Negative , And Careless & Use Your Heart less Went Against Your Morals & Values Not Minding The Monster You Have Turned into.
Self  Image Beginning To Lose iTs Color iTs Details
Thinning , All Numbed Out,
Having No Type Of Emotions , Cant Laugh, No Smiles, Your Charm Fades,  Life Became A Daze Long Maze You Then Begin To Feel Hopeless, Worthless Thinking And Believing You Can Only Move On By Continuing Smoking
This Dope ****
Your Body Begins This Tolerance, leading & Waiting To Introduce You To What You'll Consider Hell Worser Than Comedowns
Withdrawls.
Body's All Messed Up Tricking You Into Thinking That A Nice Hit Will Fix You Up.
So Much More To This Bad Habit Of A Drug.
Havnt Mentioned
Money, Risks, And Lost's.
Drugs End Up ******* You Up Sadly Madly Disappointed At The Fact You Threw Away Your Life Without Even Noticing .
Or Wanting.
Your Addicted And Sickened
Strung Out But Still Looking Towards How Your Getting Your Next Fix? You Still Go Down The Lane Passing The Stop Sign
In Another Dimension  Nobody But You Only Mention
Going Krazie, Buried Yourself,
Your A New Person.
Paranoia, Voices, Shadows, Whispers Your Becoming insane Looking So Drained.
On A No Sleep Mode,
But You Don't Care So You Still Go Down The Same Lane
Cause iTs Really Hard To Change From What You Have Been Around And Same Routines For A While And So Used To Doing And Living With These New Drugged
Thoughts, Mind, New State Mentality Full Of Loving Drugs And Living With Day And Day On And On.
You Messed With Your Head
Even Though You End Up Making iT To Sobriety Days
Most Likely You'll Relapse And Fall Again.
Because Drugs Had Made A Huge Impact In Your Life For A Long Period Of Time
iTs A Strong Attachment That Can And Will Heal By Time iF You
Try
Have Hope in Your Eyes Ears Heart &
Mind.

iWant To Be Set Free.
Away And Cured From This Addictive Disease.
iWant To Be Happy, iWant To Actually Smile
iWant To Be Able To Feel
iWanna Laugh And Enjoy Life
iDont Like Being Addicted
iDont Like Using And Tweaking No More
iWant To Quit
Sober Up Entirely
From My Health And Mind
iWant The Angel Back On My Shoulders.
iWanna Do Good
iWanna Succeed And Become Somebody
This Drug Always Seems To Get The Best Of Me
To Fall Easily
God Give Me Strength And Strong Wings

Pretty Girls
Every Where, Beautiful Image
Angel Heart, Brain So Smart
Confident, independent, Successful
Then iTs Stressful
Disappointing, heartbreaking
Seeing
Some of these girls fall into the wrong trail.
Influenced, peers, relatives, boyfriends, homegirls
Got them to inhale
A Substance so strong
They dont seem to see it
The new life lane there on, once they
... continued

iNever Been iN A Relationship With A Human Being.
Only With My Drug,
Crystal ****.
IConsidered iT My Lover.
My Baby, My World My Everything. iFell inlove With A Substance,
Felt So Real.
Created A Strong Bond
That Seemed unbreakable We Were unseperable.
This Stimulant Kept Me Away From Reality And Everything in it.
Blocked Me
From Having An Actual Boyfriend and Catching
True Loving Feeling.
iWas Blinded By These False Euphoric Feelings.
A Rush Like iF ive Accomplished A Hundred Things.
iWas Concentrated And Focused On Getting High And
Just living The Addict life.
That iHad No intrest At 16 Towards Boys or having a love life.
My Mind Was Just Set On The Streets And Dope Game,
Riskful Missions And Hanging With Friends. Guys Would Holler,
But id Give No interest.
Just Me And My Drug iS All That Mattered.
Throughout My 3rd Time iN Rehab, My Neighbor Would Call.
A Guy Friend.
Daily Conversations, Laughs And giggls,  something so rare and unexperienced.
As iBegan To Recover & Emotions Started To Untie,
iBegan To Feel Some Strange feelings ive never experienced 1st hand.
Once iGraduated My program. We Communicated More,
I liked This, i liked him.
Was Hard To believe that after all he knew about me?
He was into me to.
My supporter, My Friend This Guy Became My 1st Boyfriend <3
041314

Treatment Centers
After Outpatient,  Rehabs, therapist
Etc
Im Tired Of All this *******.
Sometimes all I want is a dope hit.
But I know
All it will do is cause me temporary satisfaction
And endless Arguments.
New Year?
Same News.
I Need To Create A new story already
I can't believe im
Still here stuck in the same cycle as the past other years.
If theres a god, can he come visiting and hear
That im desperate for a miracle.

iM Clean.
But iM Struggling. iBecame An Addict A Sad Hopeless Dope Fein.
iM 9 Weeks Sober & Every Day iS A Battle & iDont Want to lose.
iTs Becoming More Frustrating As My Clean Days Rise
instead Of Feeling Proud, im Feeling Down. Afraid il end up
throwing All those weeks to waste
Like Before. Then Feel
Useless And See All ive Done Go down the drain and
Start My Addiction all over again.
I Wish My Beloved
Ones understood. That its Hard for me to change from bad to good
im not used to it, im
Afraid to change but believe me ido but im so unsure of
What to do.

**** *** Am iDoing
Making This Worse For My Self
iJust Begun
And Re Picked Up
This iS Were iT Starts.
Should Begin To Worry
iTs Way To Early!
Already On A Thin Line The Last Chapter iN My Life
till My Death Story.
iM Killing Me Slowly
By Taking This Substance.
My Times Ticking
My Hearts Beating
As iContinue To Use
More Like Abuse.
iCant Just Take
1 Line Or Smoke 1 Bowl
And Save The Rest.
iGo All About And Have To Do Every Last Bit.
Then iGo On Again To Finding A Way To Get More Of it

There is a monster
who lives in my head,
she talks to me softly
she wants me dead.
She tells me this time
I'll stay in control.
She tells me not to let anyone know.
She convinces me that
no one cares,
she whispers the pain
is to much to bear.
She tells me how wonderful
I will feel.
She tells me she loves me
and it is real.
She tells me not to call anyone,
My heart starts racing,
she tells me it will be fun.
She tells me not to think of
past times,
she promises I can do it just
once this time
Who is this monster who calls me
by name,
crystal ****
shes waiting to start the game.

I'm Wishful
But All The Wishs I've Been Wishing for Seem Sinful.
What is There To Smile For?
All Good Is Hard To Reach
And All Bad is Easy, No Hard Work.
Lately I've Been Walking Near A Familiar Path.
I'm Feeling Suicidal & That's That.
Hopelessness
All Day Feeling everyday experiencing.
I'm Just so Fed Up
Sick & Tired
Of How My Mind Acts.

I Introduced Myself To ****
Searched On The Internet
Most Dangerous Drug
I Was Curious
None Around Me Had Ever Mentioned or Talked About it
At 14
I Read Its Affects & Effects
The Consequences
Of **** Use Didn't Scare me
The Sensation of How it Makes You Feel is What bought me.
There i Go
That Same Day, That Night.
Hit Up My Dealer
Asked if He Had Any Connections
Turned out, He Sold That Too
iWanted To Try This
A One Time Thing, Just to see
Got it That Night
Crushed it Till i Thought Could Turn To Powder, Never Did.
Rolled Up A Dollar
Snorted A 3/4 Inch Line
Of Shiny Crystals
Then instantly my Nose Was on fire
Felt Like it Cut Up Inside my nose
Dissolving my sinuses
The pain lasted Around 40 Seconds
My Eyes Got Teary and Redish
Then A Few Minutes Later
A Nasty Taste Dripped in the Back Of My Throat
So Bitter and horrible
But
The Feel iT Gave Me Was
incredibly Wonderful
Did not expect this much Amazing sensation.
I loved it, Ice Seduced Me
The Drug Had Me Up loving Life For 24 Hrs
Once The high was gone
I Noticed i felt much better on it
So i Wanted it again
The Feeling Was As if You Won The Lottery, Had Every Materialistic
Thing you Ever wanted
As if All Your Dreams all Came True
Accomplishing
More Than 100 Thing's
Felt So Good about myself
Motivated, Highself Esteemed
I Liked How iT Functioned
iUsed
Then iT Quickly Turned
To Abuse
I Wanted To Feel That Loving Euphoria Affect Everyday
I loved it.
Id Started Buying more of it
Without Keeping Count of How Much id Spend.
Id Buy Bigger Quantities
The Amount iBegan With No Longer Hit Me, iNeeded More
I Had Then Built A Tolerance iHad No Recognition of.
I Noticed
My Allowence Money Was No Longer Enough To Get Me High
I Lost Control, **** Took A hold.
iBelieved iWas Doing it Out of me.
When in Reality
The Substance is whats Telling Me What To Do & how to Move
Developed The Addictive Mentality
Asking My Body For More
& More.
Scheming Of Ways To Provide Myself to get high.
It Was Destroying My Life
I Was To High To Even Realize The Negative Affects it was creating.
It Pushed People Away
I Was All About My Dope
Didnt Care if i lost Friends
Just Wanted To Smoke.
It Complicated & Made My Life miserable.
Crystal Had Me So Distracted i Had No iDea Or Intrest About What Was Going On Around me.
Family Arguments Appeared
iWould Get Rowdy Or Act ****** When id Be Coming Down
And Just Talk nonsense
Even if Nobody Was Doing Anything to me
Id Just Keep Disrespecting.
I Slowly Started To Disappear
And Was Becoming A Whole New Person.
With A Different View, Perspective
Unknown motives
Unpredictable Actions
I Lost My Self Completely
Mentally & Emotionally
I Smoked My Self Gone
People Then Started Becoming Concerned, Saying i had a problem.
I Then No Longer New
Who i Really Was.
Not Like it Mattered To Me Anyways
All i Cared About Was My Dope
And Getting High.
I Was Living in My Own Unrealistic World.
What Began To Look Real To Me.
Lack Of sleep
Made Me Start Tripping, Hearing Voices And Seeing ****.
I Would Go Weeks Without Sleep And food .
I Experienced So Many Bad Trips
Methamphetamine Had Me In A Bumpy Road, Lead Me To places i didnt know existed
And introduced me to tweakers who became my homie
iWasnt Concerned About My Looks Rather More into finding more
Dope Hooks
My Image Was Fading
I Became Very Thin, My Cheecks ****** in
Skin Tone Was Pale
Easily bruised
Collar bone out, My pupils Would Stand Out Especially With The Dark Bags under My Eyes.
i thought i looked good.
The Drug blocked the view of how i slowly began to look.
I Didnt Mind, Didn't Care .
I No longer Stoped to think About
My Actions or consequences
i Started to rebel more
I Didnt Fear Or Was Scared of nothing.
Eventually i Got To The point were i Would use and just feel nothing.
I Had No More Emotions
I Couldn't Smile or cry
I Felt No Remorse No Guilt
No Present Conscious
All Of This Behavior Led Me To Stealing And Doing Things that Went against My Own Will.
The Drugs
Messed With My Head
Gave Me insane Thoughts
Made Me Think Evil
Into A Complete Monster.
Its Really Krazie How these Tiny Shards Can Convernt
You into Something So Lifeless And Horrible.
I Went From Being A Curious Regular girl
To Just Wanting to Sit in My Room Isolated Everyday and just get high Hitting the Glass Pipe.
I dedicated all my time to this
I was sprung and in love
I depended on it for everything
I Went A Long Road
Went Through So Much
4 years of this
Story goes on..

You Hear Sobriety
People assume its Automatic Happiness.
Its Not Easy, im off drugs but i Don't know me.
Im Not Motivated, im not happy.
I Feel Confusion.
Getting high made Me forget How to live life .
My Mind Dosnt Function right.
& it *****.
I know Nothing About Myself
Anymore.
I Find it sad.
I Don't Know Where i Stand in life
I Wake Up every day just thinking when.. When Will the day that i actually know myself come.
Because once it dose i just know my life will be easier.
Right now?
Im living life miserable.
Becoming sober isn't simple.
hell lot of frustration towards the people helping me.

My Boyfriend Wrote This Poem

I Want Her To Love Me
As Much As She Loves her drug
Crystal ****.
I Want Her To Care About Me
How She Cares About Getting high.
I Want Her To Spend Time With Me
How She spends her time
Hitting the pipe
I Want Her To Come to Me When shes upset
Just how she reachs **** for support
I Want To Be The Only
One She Thinks About
I Want Her To See Me As Her Addictive Drug.

iF iRelapse.
Baby Just Know, iOnly love You.
The Drug Will make me go Crazy & Lie Saying iLove iT
More Than You. My Slip Will Turn me Half Way Back To my
Old Ways.
Wicked Mentality & Heartless self, Numbed Out, Emotionless
Painless And Careless.
Nomatter the Relapse and reactions Ijust Want you to know
Il forever love you more.

iWanna Run Away
For Bad.
iM Sad And iFeel Hopeless
The Only Thing That iFeel iCan Truly Feel Worth iT
is Dope.
iWanna Take A Hit.
iKnow il Feel Happy
Just if iGet Lit
iWanna Twist Just One last Time
Yes A Relapse
Thatll il risk
iKnow The Consequences
But this is it
iKnow il lose Everything once again but idk iF iHave Enough Heart
iLove, But Not Like iUsed to
This substance is
Powerful
Itll Take over
Its sour
iWanna use
And im getting closer to the point were i dont care if i lose...

How many has it been,
One, 2, Three?
How Many Outpatients
More Than 9.
How many hospitalizations
Like 2
How many therapist
7
Phycatrist, counselors, etc ?
So So many.
Here I am going once again for the
Fourth time
To residential rehab.
They say I need more time
For a mind so ill like mine.
6 months or a year
To be fine.
The frustration that I get from not able to do right
Tournaments me
I kust want to be set free and fly

We Break up
Then We Make Up.
We argue & Talk ****.
Then we Get Close And touch lips.
Grab me by my hips
And start feeling on my ****.
Soft kisses
Turned to aggressiveness & hard breathing.
******* Slowly
Steady leaning, as I have my hands around your waist.
Saliva running down my face
As I Move my head around.
I love how you taste.
Getting lead to the bed, you lay down.
I Look into your eyes
Ask if you're ready for the ride.
You Instantly say yes
As I climb your feeling on my thighs.
The feel of the slide makes my kitty feel as if in paradise.

I'm Sorry Baby
Yes, Those who Truly Love would never lie.
But I Felt The Need To
iKnow The Truth To My Relapse
Will hurt you
and I'd probably
lose you.
So I decided it was best to
fool you
cause I want us to be forever,
I adore you!
Then Why Don't I just be honest?
Because I can't.
You'll Walk out the minute I tell you I had it again in my hands.
Youv Helped Me So much
&
Do the impossible to keep me out of reach
Take Most Of Your time to focus on me.
To see what I need.
You give me everything.
Addiction is a very hard thing
You Probably think I find it
So Easy to Say false things carelessly .
Underneath were the rightful things are seeked
I'm Really hurting and beating my self up with what I'm doing
The Drug Puts up a false front
Just to keep me consuming.
I Don't Want to lie
But I know the truth will make you Say goodbye.
Hope you understand
That it's not me who's dishonest
It's the drug that takes controll or Temptation that blind folds
To get me where it
Wants me.

I Feel Happy
Excited, Joyful, Energetic
I Feel Sad
Hopeless, Worthless, Useless
I Feel Mad
Angry, Hate, Violent
I Feel Nothing
Emotionless, Empty, Numb
I Feel All These At Once
All Mixed Together
Within Some Minutes Or Hours
They Change Without Me Wanting Them Too.
I Have Depression, I Am BiPolar
Im Also A Recovering
**** Addict
I Dont Like Dealing With All Of This
Its So Confusing
Frustrates Me
Makes My Life Complicated
Affects My Daily Living.
I Often Ask
Is My Life Worth Living?
Why Do i Have to Go Through All Of This, Why Can't I Just Enjoy Life Normally
Why Me?
:(

I Want To Have A Future With You.
Create A Life Become Your Wife And Have Babys Too.
Both Become successful and Live an Amazing life together.
Remain
Loyal And Faithful
Honest & respectful
True to our love for eachother.
I Want to Start Fresh
Hold No Grudges Or Resentful Feelings
i Want to let go Of the past
The mistakes the lies and broken promises .
i Want to make things right
Do Things As A Team
Keep eachother hopeful and be supportive
i love you so much
theres so many other things

Im not Going to go on
If all we do is argue on & on
I Can't Keep Up.
Fighting With Both my relationship & sobriety & trying to remain positive.
We Talk nonsense
We Never sit down and work it.
We just let it pass bye.
Im Not liking this anymore
Being more mad at eachother than smiling & laughing.
We say were going to work it out
It all seems to get worser to me.
I Want to be with him
But the experience is hurting.
So many wrongs
We don't seem to even get along.
Friends & enemies
At the same time.
You can't see yourself without me & i can't see myself being without you.
But its probably the best thing..

" Your Life Will Be So Much and Get Better, You Will Feel Good, You Will Enjoy Things if You Drop Your Drugs."
Im Sober, i Hate it.
I Don't See Nothing Good About it.
I Don't Feel Good, i See Nothing better.
Everything just Got worse.
Im Miserable, Sad, Depressed.
Sometimes i Regret Quitting.
When i Would Get High
My Only Struggle Was To Not comedown.
Now That im Sober i Deal With So Much ****.
I Argue More Then When i Would use.
I Have So many responsibilities
I Stress So Much, get frustrated
Im Not Happy At All
I Don't Have Fun
Etc
To Me
Being High is My Sober
I Don't Care About Anything
I Don't Deal With Anything
I Feel Nothing
Im In My own world that is wonderful.
Better than my life now.
Id Rather Be Addicted
Than Clean.
To Be Honest, i Hate the real world

I remember
When a the word relapse
had A meaning .
When I’d Explain what it
Meant so you can be aware.
Told you what tempts me
What are some triggers.

I Expected You to
View it as a 911 call.
To help me when I’d fall.

You never payed mind
To the importance of it.
Just like you Didn’t think
Telling you I had an addiction Was something that bad.

I remember when
You Made your own definitions
To all the words I’d tell you.
I’m the one struggling
But you always made yourself the victim when it was me who needed attention, apologize, comfort & to support me.

Temptation & triggers
Have no meaning.
You never cared to look after me.
It wasn’t something you’d have to be 24/7 about.
You never questioned your negative actions & how that’ll provoke me.
You never cared until

A Relapse
Meant I Used because
I wanted to get high.
Finally You show importance.
Not in the way where your concerned if I’m ok & hoping that hit didn’t cause harm.
Concerned to where you stood by my side & talked on why it happened & what can we do to prevent it again.
instead , a relapse means
Talking **** to me , making me feel bad , blaming me, making yourself feel like I betrayed you
Feeling so angry saying I don’t love you & love that more.
You abandon me & go m.i.a
When you were the cause of why i couldn’t handle feeling hurt etc

I remember when
Relapsing made me feel guilty & so bad because I failed you & disappointed you.

I remember When
I’d tell you I’ll never be honest on my sobriety , confess or hand over paraphinillia .
For me to do the opposite of what I swore I’ll never do.
All because it killed me to lie & hurt me to see you stress your mind on doubts if I’m clean or not.
All For what ?
For you To talk **** to me when I confess about relapsing, for you to call me drug addict & insult me calling me Druggie tweaker etc
When I’d Hand you things
Etc

Me Being honest to you & open with my recovery only
Damaged me more.
What I gained wasn’t support.
It was money being thrown at my face telling me to go get high.
Calling me drug addict in many insult full ways.
You made a joke out of
my struggles.
You’ve never been there for me.

How far the meaning & value of relapse once meant.

A relapse now means nothing to me when it comes to you.

Being true to you
Only back fired.
You use it as leverage
To insult me more & have negative things to reply.
“I wouldn’t know, you kept
it from me before” etc

Hell Yeah!
i Feel Like How Im supposed to be.
On this fascinating Level You Will never get to feel or see
unless youve read the outcome
unless you are a daredevil like me.
So Sensational And Powerful
I love this tweak
Its So Sad That im high
& After so much help givin
im still doing it.
But look it weakens me
when i feel alone and down
i begin to reminisce about it when im feeling negative
Then Thoughts of using rush right in
i Get the urge and feel temptation rise
then begin to fein
many thoughts of getting lit start racing in
my mind.

My Bright Light.
The Turn for help & support.
My Dark light.
The Turn For Blame & Shame
I Thought The only feeling a bf is supposed to make you feel is loving.
Why am i experiencing the opposite.
All Day Arguing.
About some misunderstanding or nonsense.
He Wants me to grow up & change but how if He has me tied to a chain.
Can't expect A Sad person to stop crying if the only things that revolve them are hurtful.
Yes He Makes me happy
But it quickly turns into a froun once he starts talking about
All The b.s i should still be feeling bad about.
Instead of Putting new thoughts in my head that will be helpful for my future. He Puts back the ones that is ruining and holding me back from being successful.

Im Honest About Everything
Except My Sobriety.
The Days i've Been Sober
And if i've Used.
I Have A Problem
I Have A Drug Addiction.
I Don't Consider My Dishonesty
As General Lieing.
I See it More As A Ly
I Dislike How He Always Tends
To Bring Up My Past mistakes
By Saying I lied about Not Using
To Were i Catch Him in A Lie
By Saying He Lied About Being At The Store When he was with his homies.
I Dislike How He Always Uses My Drug Abuse Situations
To Situations That Don't Even Connect.
For Example
He Tells Me I Cheat On Him By Using
To Were i Feel
Hes Purposely Going To cheat on me But with an actual Human being.
I Dislike Him Comparing
Chemicals To A Real life person
Saying its The Same.
When There Completely Different
You Cant Touch Chemicals
Bond with chemicals, Have intimacy With it.
Like You Can
With A Living Person.

Late night Walking.
My Bfs Out Drinking
& were both arguing.
All Black Chevy,
Cruising Down The City Lights.
Memories of Getting High
Swipe by My Mind .
Homies Spitting Raps To
The Beat That's Bumping.
Its Been So long since I Kicked Back,
But is this right ?
An old clique ?
A Bad Crowd That Can Make My life go downer Than what it is.
Why'd I Hop in ?
My emotions
were getting the best of me
so I gave in to spend a good time
just how my baby is somewhere out there in the streets.
Drinking His Treat.
To Forget All his problems and ******* with his friends.
I've Been Dealing With All this nonsense sober lately .
No surrounding Changes.
Whether I'm clean or ***** everything flows the same.
It Took A Second
Now I'm Back Were I Belong,
its The Drugs That make me crave so hard. My loneliness enables to it.
Here I Am, Relapsing.
Once The Homie Pulled Out the sack,
I Got A Bit Of Fat rocks then crushed. Rolled and snorted Up.
Now I'm High, I'm on one.
Temptation Blinded Me.
There was no positivity in my brain to have stopped me.
I Was Just So Fed Up with all my mistakes and **** ups.
I Couldn't Think Of My Boyfriends Disappointment because he was already disappointing Me?
I Usually Feel Bad About This, I still do. Just not as much.
I dont know, my minds just unwind & lose

Ive Been sober for a while again
i hope this time i go far with it & sustain
Im Proud of my self
every day counts and should be applaud for
It Upsets me
Mostly everyone dosnt seem to really care
to them its nothing, they dont want days they want years
its a struggle every second they dont see thats a slow process.
i feel all there looking at
is towards a day i cause another relapse
there not hopeful anymore
there now doubtful at my every move
just waiting till i fail
i wish they were positve at my nice sober trail.

iM Crushing
iSee Him
iWant Him
iFound Him
iLike Him
iM Shy
iTry To Converse
Instead i Compliment
Flirtatious Comments As He Walks Past Me
IReceive A Request
iTs Him, he Found Me
iS All This Meant to be?
We Begin to get closer
Know More about each other
different ways of communication
Never confronted
Video Games, Social Websites, Sibilings
Finally
A Number
We Start To Text One Another
Every Second Every Minute Every Day
iHardly Know About him
He Hardly knows about me
Might he be into me?
I think Everyday About it.
The more letters
iwrite
The more im becoming to like him
Hes Everything iWanted Since Middle school days
little did i guess
we'd become neighbors
was it fate
iM Crushing
iSee Him
iWant Him
iFound Him
iLike Him
iM Hurting
iM Heartbroken
iM Sad
continued...

Another Year ive Begun
Everyone thought i was clean but that same
31st eve, i was strung on
methamphetamine
I know i know Im the one continuing on
but temptation hit hard
i just felt the need to celebrate
and feel differnt , i was feining and
went to go seek it..

Every Holiday
That Has Passed in The Last 4 Yrs
Easter, 4th Of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve, new Years. (Etc)
Relatives & Family's
Birthday.
I Have Used ****.
Even When it Was Christmas while i was in a locked facility
Residential Rehab i Manage To Get
On one.
Isnt That Crazy?
Addicts Saying is
" If They Really Want There Drug, They Will Find Any possible Way To Get it in there hands no matter what."
The 24th Of December
Is Tomorrow.
Its Going To Be Very Tempting For Me To use For The next 2 Weeks.
Im Scared.
I Don't Want To Continue On My Tradition.
Hopefully i over come it
And be Sober
Being able to Smile, laugh and eat
With my family.
I hope so.

i Love the drug
But the drug isnt real love.
Even Though im not using, i still have thoughts of it.
even though im not physically active
My Minds processing as if i were.
i Want to stop
Stop thinking of it, its a daily thing
always happening.
When im Overthinking
Feeling Upset, Frusturated, Trapped
And Alone
My solution to wanting to end it is
to get in My Zone.
My Brain Always Headlights Drugs When Im Struggling In My Life
When i Cant Controll My Problems
I Give up quick and dont wanna bother solving them.
i Hate This Drug
But the drug Loves me
When i Dont Want it, It Sneaks Up On Me
to remind me thats its there
all i have to do is dial up
and i can get it quick.