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Apr 2020 · 95
2020
PEARL SMOKE Apr 2020
Im on a soft spin
Momma I let the devil in.
Mother Mary pray for me,
don't let Luther win.
its a substance I replace,
to get some feelings to swim.
in my veins to my brains
I love the way he sings.
I fell again but not low, I'm able to swim.
Jan 2020 · 169
Bye 2019/D
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2020
.
This decade
was nothing But misery,
with heavy pain that
brought many tears.
To finally end off this year.
With a boast to the new,
in which brought me strength
& A path thats now cleared.
I’m happy, for a new decade.
I’m ready for a new start,
This time around,
things will be different.
No more falling apart..
I will hold my self steady
I will hold my self up.
Too much time wasted,
This time I’m building up.

Bye bye 2019,
Bye bye to the 2010’s.
A decade that I will
erase from my life.
1 I’ll never speak on.
a decade I will let go of,
and finally move on.
Aug 2019 · 165
FR Dl
PEARL SMOKE Aug 2019
Cried my last river.
drowned in my tears.
Sobbed away the sorrow,
Acknowledging that this is it.
There is no future with him.
For years I held on to something
that was never going to work.
My love for him was pure,
I was dedicated and committed.
I loved Him.
This is it though,
no matter how much I love him
I can't go through any more pain,
Just because I love him
shouldn't mean I have to keep staying
every time he hurts me.
Im hurting so much,
I feel like a fool.
How could I let myself
be treated this way for many years.
How much time I wasted
trying to show how true I was.
what a fool of i.

im tired
im so tired of this
im so tired of trying to get him
to see how hurt I am.
He doesn't care
he never gaf
all evidence and proof is there.
its time I get up
and walk the **** away
Aug 2019 · 42
Hm.
PEARL SMOKE Aug 2019
Hm.
Whats left of us.
What are we doing..
Where do we truly stand
in each other lives?
What meter is Our Respect & love
aiming towards?

We're scribbled.
we are clueless.
1s holding on in fear of loneliness.
The others Holding on in confusion
with what's best for them.


Whats best for us?
We Dot more reasons on why
we make each others life unhappy
than actually happy.

Are we avoiding the reality?
The reality of our love just
not capable of going forward?
The spark we once had died long ago..

What are we holding on to.
Aug 2019 · 127
?-
PEARL SMOKE Aug 2019
?-
Why Bother?
Give no ***** of 
Struggle, struggles
Things I’ve struggled through.

Why bother?
Walk away, turn direction.
Watching just to
Insult, tease & bully me?

Roaming, lurking , sneaking
More like picking up amo
To fire as revenge,
To shoot when stuck in a dead end.
To aim perfectly
Knocking me down for your defense.


Just leave,
Why stay if your only here to offend.
only here to  backlash and cause me pain.

Leave me,
Aug 2019 · 31
HB prt 1
PEARL SMOKE Aug 2019
My Heart is broke,
I glued the pieces back together.
Then it happened again,
Once more I glue the fallen pieces.

My love
still goes on for him.
No matter his destruction.

His wrongs stay unspoken.
My bucket filled of tears
is always left unnoticed.

No matter the storm
I hang on tight.
Made a commitment
To loving him long .

It’s hard.
Balancing out the lows
Leveling out the highs.
puzzling everything
To make all his
Broken promises
Appear right.

It’s been a journey ,
A troubled trail
Interfered Within my own life.
It’s been chaotic,

Seeing where I’m
Stepping now ?
Has me empty handed.
Putting all my time
& energy into this
Tornado I call love ..
i
#m
Aug 2019 · 123
1g Prt 1
PEARL SMOKE Aug 2019
One gram, 1 day.
Need to slow down,
line after line.
what exactly am I trying to feel?
obsessing over chopping till fine dust.
spending all the time emptying
out more & more.
trying to feel something.

This isn't my Poison.
Its a replacement,,
subtitiuting my cravings.
Overdose is posible with anything.
am I over doing it?

trying to feel something.
can't tingle ****.
it's upsetting.
I hate it
though here I am..
Aug 2019 · 27
Sadness
PEARL SMOKE Aug 2019
Overwhelmed
by stormy days.
No one els but I
Can take these storms away.
My choice to live
In misery & darkness.
How hard can it be?
To rise & Shine light
On my Depressed life ?.

Been in these shadows
For Almost a decade .
Hidden from the world,
Burrowing myself
In sorrow & Hopelessness.

I’m tired .
Waking up to the
Same **** every day ..
Life is passing me by,
Missing out in so much .

Caved in for long .
Anguished in my own agony.


How much longer
Aug 2019 · 259
Sat Aug 17
PEARL SMOKE Aug 2019
Suicidal thoughts
Have been  entering my
Mind uncontrollably.

& I’m not scared anymore
Aug 2019 · 150
xxx
PEARL SMOKE Aug 2019
***
I’ve let the whispers
Of the demons in my head
Turn into comforting melodies
Turn into irresistible desires
They tell me how good
The sin could make me feel
Convince me of solutions
That shouldn’t be options
I let them taunt me
Twist my thoughts around
But in a moment
I am reminded who the enemy is
The demons are not on my side
No matter what they try to offer
Even when the temptation
Sounds exquisite
I have to muster the strength
To fight for my life
Aug 2019 · 241
GsDru
PEARL SMOKE Aug 2019
Been feeling so alone.
I want to go on a zone.
but I don't want to go that far.
I don't want to feel the heavy down fall.
just want to stay above & never fall off.

Thoughts come & go.
Weight of the urge
has been heavy & heavier.
Its begun weighing down on me.
7/19
Jul 2019 · 78
CoHeal
PEARL SMOKE Jul 2019
Numbs my tears
Sadness disappeared.
This soft Powder
Makes all real
Not reveal .

Numbs
in every way.
feel no Emotions
No physical pain.

Love this
Smooth soft *******
Jun 2019 · 230
BD2C
PEARL SMOKE Jun 2019
I owe myself
The biggest apology.
For putting up
With what I didn’t
deserve For so long .
May 2019 · 65
No tomorrow
PEARL SMOKE May 2019
My heart
Is physically hurting.
I analayzed all the possibilities
All in which made me fear.
Yes, this is real.
That time is finally here.
The final night.
I no longer want to tear.
My heart feels so heavy
My chest feels so full.
I feel this heavy weight in me.
I want it all to go away.
Tonight marks another.
My brain is in panic mode
I know the outcome of them all
While you dance in the light
I cry in the shadows

It's been difficult for me to swallow
I feel in distress
I feel so pathetic
Yet I continue to address
But they continue to do what's best
Live for them self's .

It's the final night
I can't put up with no more lies
Live your life
I don't deserve this anymore
I can't explain anymore
#brokenheart #heartache #heartbroken #finalnight #Ridflepoem
Apr 2019 · 78
Slow bye
PEARL SMOKE Apr 2019
Lullabies of you & I
Same lullaby
fights, arguments and cries.
I'm finally getting tired of it all
I'm near saying my final goodbyes

once I walk
I won't turn back
that spark I had for you
has finally died.
I blame you, I'm even feeling
like I don't even have love 4 u
soo much pain that you've put me through
I'm sorry for my honestly
I'm always apologizing for things I shouldn't
I should've been walked away
Feb 2019 · 229
Fk Lf
PEARL SMOKE Feb 2019
I’m ******* tired
Of your *******
Fed up with making
Me feel so ******* useless
Sick of all
Your manipulative ways
My wasted days
Sitting around crying
Punishing myself by
getting high Or cutting.
All because of your avoidance,
Sents to voicemails
no replies ,
Tears down my cheeks
While Beers, music , parting
In your Eyes.
I walking lonely dark streets
To blow of the angered frustrated steam that Whistles
Out my body
Because you continuesly
Hide , lie , deny
Every question asked.

I hate I cry
I cry I hate
I’m tired of being
In this Same place

Piles after piles
Depression
Addiction
Emotionally abused
Self esteems so low
Been told many things
To make me feel
Like I truly have no worth .
So sad
That I’m just going with everyone’s flow of me
Being the chaos To
Anything , everything
That goes wrong .

I’m drowning in the sea
People see my desperation
to swim up To breath
Watching me Suffer
Do nothing when I scream
The words h e l p

They just stand by & point a finger
“Shouldn’t have gotten near
the water”
Yeah I know that above phrase made no sense
To you the reader
But there’s so much to explain

I’m just done
I can’t find words to explain
Wrapping my self up
I don’t want drugs
I don’t want pain
I don’t want to run away
I just want to sit
Shove the stick into my mouth
& Pull back the Burner
Push hard & fast
On the trigger
blow up My brain
I’m sad I’m hurt
Lalalala
I just can’t cope
I don’t want dope
Don’t want smoke
want No Sharp objects
I just want all of this to stop

Close my eyes & wake up
To a life where I have it all together
A career
Job , car
Normal life with the basic problems every one els deals with

Idk idk
Why’d he break my heart
Gave Love a chance
High hopes of finally
Making it out my current misery
Start up a new
Beginning
I got twice pain
I got shredded
My life’s at its worst
Going to bed
Sweet dreams to me
Night
Written in FEB 17 2019
Jan 2019 · 77
22 66
PEARL SMOKE Jan 2019
You truly ruined me.
Not By Your betrayal
Nor By your lies.
You didn’t ruin me by
Insulting me about my problems.
using My Personal struggles
As your personal Weapons to use against me.

You truly ruined me
Not by your lack of commitment.
Your broken promise
Nor by Watching me cry & being ok with it .


You ruined me by giving me false hope of finally living a happy life.
A life without drugs .

Ruined me by telling me you’d help me reach the top & Climb all obstacles.

You ruined me by promising to stay by my side , instead you failed.

You took me out out the dark ,
But you left me in grey.
With no colors to see but the ones of you mistreating me.

I’m saddened.
Dec 2018 · 248
My Addictionn
PEARL SMOKE Dec 2018
These stories of addiction
Repeated tales
Of hating then saying
I’d turn back without hesitation.
I’m tired of misleading,
The truth of how I feel .
Story telling to these people.
Who will Never see In deeper
.
Across my head
They’ll forever read tweaker
Who’s lying & will go get
High after promising to never take another hit .

I’m tired so disgusted
This drug is really Killing me
Eating up my insides & Confusing up my ******* mind.

I’m dying when I’m on this
Every heart beat is a risk
The Fast Pacing or the slowness
Any second I could collapse
I don’t have to be an addict
I don’t need to have consumed so much or often.

My body might 1 day
Not react to It’s toxic.
Out the blue , just 1 use
Can land me to the place where the skies are blue , Trees are breezing
Lovely green nicely cut grass lays beneath, decorated with stones
Where underneath lay
Loving souls
Who won’t ever return.
Nov 2018 · 151
Combined drafts
PEARL SMOKE Nov 2018
Untitled
You once told me.
'Not everyone thinks like you'
I Now know.
what your phrase means.
how its applied to our life.
Its 2018
You still question whether
to continue on our love..
You are right. nobody thinks like me.
so I have to accept.
that's just who you've always been.
loved me with doubt.
---
Untitled
Been living in The dark.
Trapped by these 4 Walls.
Everyday, Same Feel.
Sadness & Helpless.
6 Years.
Living In a box .
Nothings changed
Happiness has not made its Way in
I Can’t no more .
I Sit On The cold Floor.

---

Untitled
The nerve you have to make me.
Feel as if I’m truly torturing .
As if you don’t deserve to be
**** talked to.
The nerve you have
To say I don’t respect you
Making me feel so bad

----

Let it consume me.
Destroy the little left in me.
Let it Come Like a tornado .
A furious hurricane .
I don’t care , what’s there to look forward for.
I’m so unhappy and keep on finding more reasons to

----

Untitled
Why
Did you Do this to me.
Damage me badly.
I repeat over & over.
Same Vocals.
Why
Did You Hurt me.
Why did you play with me.
Why didn’t you notice how this was affecting me.
Why
Weren’t you respectful.
Take advantage
Take me for granted .
Why
Did You convince me.
To be kissing friends knowing I had feelings for you.
Did

---

Forever now
I’m doubting
More than I ever have.
Wondering about the
Little loyalty you carry.
What’s going to happen
To that speck .
You’ve never been honest.
Now I’m worried.
Since I avoided you that night
Which is something I never do but I copied you that night.
My point
My irrelevant lie
----
Untitled
I made a mistake.
So little that it’s not worth the hype
But you ,
You wait for days like these.
I Mess Up So Small
& you love to make it a big deal.
It’s your excuse to go

----
Untitled
Disgusted of Drug Abuse
When She Hurts Her mind Turns.
The tears that run down & The Trigger Is something he’d Said or done That’s led her to run .
Alone She Seeks & Returns.
She Uses Alone.
Responds to All calls & Texts.
You Were the switch
To intoxicate her body , Esch hits a risk . To breath less , For the body to not resist & Give Up .

----

Untitled
Disgusted of Drug Abuse
When She Hurts Her mind Turns.
The tears that run down & The Trigger Is something he’d Said or done That’s led her to run .
Alone She Seeks & Returns.
She Uses Alone.
Responds to All calls & Texts.
You Were the switch
To intoxicate her body , Esch hits a risk . To breath less , For the body to not resist & Give Up .

---


My depression is not progressing
I’m in such distress.
No mood to right Nomore .
I’m tired , Of not having power.
To leave & Move on From Everything That’s Overwhelming.
I’m hurting a lot.
People don’t see it.
It’s all in my head.
It’s insanity eating my brain .
I’ve been walking forever.
So many obstacles have crossed my path that’s delayed me.
Back trac
Nov 2018 · 124
When you can’t prt 2
PEARL SMOKE Nov 2018
You once told me.
'Not everyone thinks like you'
I Now know.
what your phrase means.
how its applied to our life.
I Loved you so much.
I did everything to be in good terms.
I was crazy for you baby ...
FINALLY
I understand why'd you leave.
My Feelings for you were deep.
you did not feel nothing for me.
which explains why
you'd leave me alone in the cold
crying, sobbing, hurting.
Explains why You didn't care
if you hurt me.
my feelings did not matter.
you felt no sympathy.
you had zero importance for my emotions.
that's why you'd walk away freely..
I was never anybody to you.
not even with the intimacy did I matter...
you used me.
got tired so youd find ways to leave.
get me off your back to welcome a new female...
Nov 2018 · 106
February 2017
PEARL SMOKE Nov 2018
Tired prt 1
I’m Tired
Of all I’m over whelmed by.
They all ask what’s my struggle ?
I do Nothing but live free
Of responsibilities, Adult Things.
They All Question harshly
Angered by Constant complaining
“Oh geez What do you worry about? You Do nothing in. Life !”


Rubbed in my face each day.
“You Have life easy! You Have Nothing To worry or stress over!”
It’s True
My lifes payed For.
Shelter & Food.
Clothes & Shoes.
Sleep & Wake Whenever.

I try to always explain its untrue
Yes , My life’s supported.
I’m An Adult Not A Kid.
I Have Shelter , But this isn’t where I want to live ?
I have food, But I can’t buy my preferences?
I have Clothes & Shoes
But it’s what they could provide .
I sleep & Wake whenever
But I Don’t Stay Out having fun
I don’t do anything worth waking up late or early .
My life’s payed for but I’m
An Adult now.
I Stress over Having to complete h.s To Get Better chances of getting a job.
I stress over not being able to Buy What I Want when I want .
Have my own car & Travel.
They Say they Wish they Had My life .
Not Having An idea Of The limits I have .
I live under rules , I Must respect.
I live free , But given only What’s necessary  to survive.
I live free
But I have no fun in my life.
I’m lonely & depressed.
So what is there to not be stressed?
I’m supported but Im an adult.
I stress over not having my life together.
Only kids Live Rich
With no worries
Nov 2018 · 98
2017 Drafts
PEARL SMOKE Nov 2018
january
110
I’m scared
To Relapse & Stay Stuck
To give up recover
I’m scared to
Look at you and walk away forever.
To just not care wether you believed I truly loved you.
I’m scared
For my love to be trapped
For all My strength to be gone
Lose it all ,

---

1218
I need something
Right now.
I don’t need anything
But I crave for a runaway
To run right tf now
I don’t need , I want
What I want are terrible things x
Fixtures to a faster end
I’m tired , I’m so so tired
This ****** life I cycle

-----

Untitled
I’m proud of you
For all you’ve reached & conquered
I’m so proud of you
For the person you’ve become
I remember the first time I seen your face so enlightened.
It was the day you Got your first job
Oh did you forget?
Who listened to your Pain
The days you’d come home angry
Feel so upset & self hate .
Believed you were worthless

---
march 2017

I’ve Relapsed Before.
These feelings are different though.
Been relapsing Frequently.
Not Once or Twice.
Full binge tweaking.

I don’t know anymore.
I’ve gone to far
Idk where I stand
I feel I’m going soon
Where to ?
My familiar home.

---
jun 23

Shut up
Yeah it don’t matter
To me like before.
Yes yes whatever you say ,
Of course because of me.
All my fault
I’m to blame
I’m to be hated .
Oh yeah darling I don’t care.
Uhuh sure believe I
never loved you.
Go on keep telling me how much more I prefer drugs .
Yup yup
What else?
Ohh more insults ok
Yeah continue on
Ok ok & ok.

---

it hurts
The pain is too much.
These drugs aren’t enough
To numb them completely.
It’s tough , I need something
Real Fuckinn rough
To relieve me
From my broken heart
..

I’ve fallen to my knees
When I cry
I look up at the sky
Begging god
To please Help me see
Clearity and the path
To the life I deserve.
One Filled with happiness
Laughter, Comfort , Love .
Dk idk

---

-
All I wanted was to be & feel
So loved By him.
Did everything i could ..
Forgave him many times for things I shouldn’t have but I gave him many chances because I couldn’t see my self ever hating him .
I love him so much despite everything.
My tears won’t stop Dropping .
I don’t think I’ll ever stop crying
This hurts so much
I’m truly broken
Idk how to explain how deep my pain currently is.


==

August

My journey To recovery,
Has been extremely devastating.
Ive been walking alone.
Doing this all on my own.
No one to grab
no one to hold.

The Clocks ticking
How much longer will i hold?
Looking around, im lonely.
Im Pushing forward
Solo
Its going to hit me soon
Turning my head to see the one w
I
Nov 2018 · 117
2017 Uncompleted draft
PEARL SMOKE Nov 2018
NOTHING...
September 2017
What can I say .
Im Heart broken, I Relapsed & I'm Lonely Again.
It's interesting, I was Feeling These emotions from the start.
Nothing's changed
Besides my heart, it got torn apart.
It's official Dead.
I Will feel love for no one .
What a shame .
Now It's The drugs I Will consume  To fill in All my empty spots.
Funny how people feel dissapointed .
they become angry at me .
Saying how could I go back to this.
It's Wrong &

-----
Nov 2018 · 428
curently 11/22/18
PEARL SMOKE Nov 2018
Clearing out my Drafts Folder.
Deleting all Drafts That are not completed
Posting the completed but never posting and combing drafts written only ha;f way.
no longer writing poems to express
not even a poem of what im going through at this moment,
Nov 2018 · 171
Bck 2 old
PEARL SMOKE Nov 2018
The truth,
I want to go back.
To my old ways ,
Cold hearted & wicked .
Living the days dazed.
Being lost in the clouds.
smoking My Self gone .
No pain , no emotions,
no thoughts, no worries.
Most importantly,
No memories.

Truth is,
As miserable as the life is,
I don’t mind it.
I don’t fear the though of getting
Smoked out till I lose my mind
Completely.
I don’t fear the life Of a tweaker.

Why is this.
My life’s been **** since I’ve tried to get sober .
I’ve found no happiness,
No reasons to smile .
Life sober now ?
Is double the sadness.
I can’t manage to ever do right .
I try & try but I always fail.
Fail to succeed something awesome .

My mind is luring me back .
My addictive mind is Taking over
Sep 25
Nov 2018 · 105
I apologize Prt 1
PEARL SMOKE Nov 2018
I’m sorry
I couldn’t Stay dedicated.
Couldn’t get off drugs completely.
I’m sorry
My Drug use impacted
My present with you.
That I couldn’t manage to Keep my problem just to myself.

Knowing What I became
Brings a lot of disgust to your face.
The last thing you ever imagined..
Was to end up with a druggie.
I’m sorry
You were cursed & Brought the opposite of what you desired.
I know I’m far off
Your Type & what your
attracted to.
Im so sorry.

I feel bad because
You never made yourself aware.
I wish to go back in time
& Explain to you What Being an addict was & How difficult I’d become Once I’d get sober.
How my mind won’t function accordingly, how much of a mess I turned into.
I wish to go back & Explain well to where you’d back off me.
You never Expected
That my problem was really going to be a big deal ..

I know You wish to have
Been Inlove with a previous girl.
I know you’d wish
Your 1st love turned out to be
The one you’d marry.
I’m so sorry you ended up
With A terrible downgrade.

I’m deeply sorry
For not being stronger.
I held strong Through all your insults & Hurtful things
You’d tell me,
I held strong when I
was just your toy
Being told
“we will never be anything”
I held strong through all the rain & thunder you put me through before we got together.

I assumed
Being your girlfriend
Would change Everything.
We’d start fresh & be
happily Inlove.

That’d I’d be able to let go
Of all the hurt & move on
Having a strong loving
bond with you.

We Then Got Together
I even committed to
forever leave drugs.
Because I was serious on making us work & leaving behind all things that Made us impossible.
A new chapter
Filled with smiles & laughter
A fresh start.

So I had thought.
Little Had I known
Getting together
Wasn’t the answer to
Anything.
Nov 2018 · 622
What relapse? Prt 1
PEARL SMOKE Nov 2018
I remember
When a the word relapse
had A meaning .
When I’d Explain what it
Meant so you can be aware.
Told you what tempts me
What are some triggers.

I Expected You to
View it as a 911 call.
To help me when I’d fall.

You never payed mind
To the importance of it.
Just like you Didn’t think
Telling you I had an addiction Was something that bad.

I remember when
You Made your own definitions
To all the words I’d tell you.
I’m the one struggling
But you always made yourself the victim when it was me who needed attention, apologize, comfort & to support me.

Temptation & triggers
Have no meaning.
You never cared to look after me.
It wasn’t something you’d have to be 24/7 about.
You never questioned your negative actions & how that’ll provoke me.
You never cared until

A Relapse
Meant I Used because
I wanted to get high.
Finally You show importance.
Not in the way where your concerned if I’m ok & hoping that hit didn’t cause harm.
Concerned to where you stood by my side & talked on why it happened & what can we do to prevent it again.
instead , a relapse means
Talking **** to me , making me feel bad , blaming me, making yourself feel like I betrayed you
Feeling so angry saying I don’t love you & love that more.
You abandon me & go m.i.a
When you were the cause of why i couldn’t handle feeling hurt etc

I remember when
Relapsing made me feel guilty & so bad because I failed you & disappointed you.

I remember When
I’d tell you I’ll never be honest on my sobriety , confess or hand over paraphinillia .
For me to do the opposite of what I swore I’ll never do.
All because it killed me to lie & hurt me to see you stress your mind on doubts if I’m clean or not.
All For what ?
For you To talk **** to me when I confess about relapsing, for you to call me drug addict & insult me calling me Druggie tweaker etc
When I’d Hand you things
Etc

Me Being honest to you & open with my recovery only
Damaged me more.
What I gained wasn’t support.
It was money being thrown at my face telling me to go get high.
Calling me drug addict in many insult full ways.
You made a joke out of
my struggles.
You’ve never been there for me.

How far the meaning & value of relapse once meant.

A relapse now means nothing to me when it comes to you.

Being true to you
Only back fired.
You use it as leverage
To insult me more & have negative things to reply.
“I wouldn’t know, you kept
it from me before” etc
Sep 2018 · 275
1#
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2018
1#
My Sobriety Matters.
Its time to make change.
I can no longer keep around things
that trigger me to fall down.
I can No longer hold on to memories
that torment my mind daily,

I need to be clean.
Recovery means everything to me.
to be Drug free is my life time wish.
i want to begin a life.
one where drugs would never be an option
Where drugs won’t be the first thing I run to when I’m struggling
Sep 2018 · 177
Droga addicta prt 1
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2018
Im a Drug addict.
Who Replaced there substance.
No more Crystal,
You became my new ****.
I grew an addiction
Following obsession.
For you to love me.

I was addicted
To doing everything
To get 1 feeling in return.
Your love .

I let myself get walked one.
Kicked , tossed , Used.
I let you treat me at your like.
Today your nice
tomorrow your mean.
You gave me attention & love
At your convenience.
I was ok with it.
Even though it was all tearing
My heart apart
I let you Play me.
Betray me, lie & fool me.

I knew you Were bad.
You’ve done nothing but cause damage to my heart, soul & mind.
You cheated .
Emotionally & mentally.
You Abused me.
Emotionally & mentally.
The pain you’d cause
Was so Harsh
I considered suicide as
my way out.
To end the reality
Of what we really are & Forget that invisionsed a fantasy.
Of you being my Prince Charming.
Who’d treat me like a princess giving me nothing but love & reasons to smile & feel happy.

Seeing you worser than ****.
your Real , You treated
me the way I feared .
“I don’t want a relationship,
I don’t even want my heart to get broken .”
I gave you reasons why
Examples ,
What’d you do ?
Everything I told you
I did not want someone to
put me through.
Sep 2018 · 112
What will
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2018
I’m sad.
I’m feeling very low.
All I want , is what I don’t .
I’m feeling down.
I have no hope , I feel no worth.
What’s there to lose ?
What value do I hold ?
What accomplishments have I succeeded to tell my self
“All you worked for”
I don’t want to get high.
It’s misery , believe me.

Right now? That’s all In my mind.
Methamphetamine.
Why. ? If I hate it !
But I love it when feelings like these become unbearable.
When my depression is at its lowest.
When I’m feeling like I’m really worthless.
When I’m remembering how ****** up ive been treated to ppl I’ve given 100% loyalty.
Family, friends, bf.
Suicide or an overdose.
Idk anymore
Sep 2018 · 125
The end
PEARL SMOKE Sep 2018
So where are the drugs ?
I’ve been Running long .
marathons where no matter how fast I runned? how much Effort I put in ? For none of it to ever be seen. Wether I gave my all & pushed further to doing Better than my best?
I exceeded my strength & held strong for occasions that would have been real reasons to
drop it all.

So where are the drugs?
It doesn’t matter anymore .
Drug addiction is not happiness.
Some don’t believe it’s a disease?
That’s a shame..
No dope fein is happy
No drug addict loves there habit.
Once Addicted , all feelings are changed. Your high is far different from that other person who’s consuming for the party.
To enjoy & Have fun.
Addicts are miserable.

Where are the drugs ?
My struggle is always Twisted around. I’m always doubted.
Always looked at wrong .
My savior ended up being my destroyer.
Left me 4 dead a thousand times .
Why so many ?
I should have been left huh?
I loved him .
Loved .

Prt1
Aug 2018 · 132
Use , till you DgAf
PEARL SMOKE Aug 2018
Smoke dope get high
Do a line feel fine
This ? Yeah , it’s how
I’m going to die.
Forever in my veins
**** a love I’ll restrain.
This crystal is my Everything
I don’t need nobody or anything
As long as I’m on
Idx If i don’t have anyone .

Dope love
Changes me entirely .
From feeling
To not giving a ****
For nothing around me!
Takes away the pain
The memories .
Takes my mind away from reality.
I don’t think of all reasons
I’m not happy.
My thoughts are cleared.
My body’s here
My soul , mind , spirit
Is all in hell
Aug 2018 · 193
I’m just trash to u
PEARL SMOKE Aug 2018
You used me up
To your advantage.
Untill I was no longer good enough for You.
Till you got bored and wanted
Something new .
I understand.
You have your life together
Your grown up responsibile
Now a man ready to Look for someone whom he truly feels love.
It’s ok
Well I’m happy I helped prepare you to go back to an old or find your new love .
I wish you the best on your journey.
Thank you for telling me the life I will continue to live .
You seen this ahead of time
Lost and drugged Up
, on the street .
Is what you told me.
My drugs & i is what my life will continue to consist by etcetc
Ok thank you .
Il go get some dope
And **** untill I no longer
Know who I am anymore .
With my bag on the side of the road .
Homeless alone and cold .
That’s the life you planned for Me
Smoking tweak till I o.d , self harm and just end down 6ft
Aug 2018 · 106
Double thinj
PEARL SMOKE Aug 2018
Don’t fall for it .
Stay strong.
There’s other ways around this.
Permanent solutions
Ones that won’t cause harm.
Just time & patience.

Don’t do it.
Push through it!
Fight the urge !
It’s not with it.
A temporary choice
That will Bring more devastation.
Another problem thrown
To the pile of Unresolved ones.

Stay strong !
Hold on !
Yes, it’s hard love.
But What do you prefer?
Sobriety, zor A never ending
Drug run
Aug 2018 · 100
Stay strng
PEARL SMOKE Aug 2018
Stay strong, Hold on .
You don’t need it !
Deal & Reslove
Don’t choose the hit.
You’ve been down that road
Enough times to know
It’s never worked
Why are you hesitating ?
The answer is no !
Don’t let your tears
Get ahold & ruin the great number
of sobriety days you worked hard for.

Recovery is rough
life after addiction is tough.
Its All worth the huffs & puffs
from holding back & not give up.
You Can Do It.

Yoi will be happy,
Life clean is pure beauty
Aug 2018 · 128
Sooner prt 1
PEARL SMOKE Aug 2018
Sooner or later .
Yes, your finally RIGHT.
What’d you assume?
That’d I’d be dumb forever.
Eventually I’d Start
Opening my eyes .
Viewing Reality
In all different sides.

Did it not ever
Occur to your lil mind?
That one day I’ll be tired
Of chasing your heart,
Just to Play another game of your
“I’m sorry, I’ll change”

It was a process.
To reach this top mountain.
Dealing with my reality
the problems i avoided coming
all back at once.
Catching up with life.
Carrying Heavy weight
Of Drug Abuse.
hate, pain, sadness.
Hopeless & unworthy
Beliefs.
Being let down by the one
who committed to Forever Protect
and care for my heart.

Years of Tears
Finally Took its Told.
Constantly crying & still
being left alone.
Always abandoning me
Leaving without notice.
Many of those escapes
You came back with something
for me to feel less worthy.
Betrayal , A lie.
Truths have always made there
ways back to me,
Of your fun nights.

To be continued ..
Aug 2018 · 96
Enoufk
PEARL SMOKE Aug 2018
Year after year
Her Tears kept falling.
Promise after promise
Her heart
Forever pulsing Sadness.
Chance after Chance
No changes were ever accomplished.
She Wants Her fare share.
Of mutual Love and care.

Im startling to realize
that this life i idealized
of sweet charm, comfort & company
will never be found here.
Im constantly lied to.
"Im trying"
Soo much time has been already given..

im tired.
ive been waiting so patiently.
for what?
more negative results.
more apologies and excuses.
"im sorry baby"
Jul 2018 · 73
Idk hurt july 2017
PEARL SMOKE Jul 2018
I hope one day
He realizes .
That I didn’t do anything
To get broken hearted.
Recognizes how many times
He’s made me Cry .
Times I cut my wrists & Got high
Risking my life
To an actual death.
Why did he cause pain .
Even after expressing to him
How depressed I am.

It hurts
So **** much .
To be told to ****
When I have tear drops.
Never once has he made me feel ok & better .

My life ...
I hate it more than ever .
I cry so much more .
These tears are real
I’m so close to just giving my self to The Skies
I can’t bare this Sadness
Any longer .
Suicidal thoughts have been coming faster and staying longer.
When will I truly give in
To ending My life .

God , please hear me.
I’ve been Sad for so long .
Suicides been In my head since I was young .
I’m now older ‘
Alone In my thoughts
Im losing my mind.
I have nobody in this world
I’m hopeless
Many people have made recognize how worthless & pathetic
I truly am.


I’m hurt so hurt I can’t even explain anymore
God please listen,
I’m desperate to smile
To laugh , enjoy life.
I’m desperate for happiness
Please god i cry to you
Give me strength to change
up my life :(
Jul 2018 · 32
Frowned truth
PEARL SMOKE Jul 2018
That’s the sad truth
He never loved me.
I was never beautiful to him .
He claims it’s the truth
Though it’s clear it’s
FALSE ASFFFF

The way he treats me ??
THATS NOT ****** LOVE
HES FULL OF ****!
IM SO TIRED OF THIS !!
HES NEVER TRUE
THE FEELINGS HE CLAIMS ?!
Baby that Fuckinn
BULLLLLLLSHITTTTTT
Calls me a ***** ?!?
WHAT REAL REASON
Does he have to prove ?!
NAH NAH **** THIS RELATIONSHIP
IM TOO GOOD FOR THIS FOOL
IT WAS A MOTHAFUXKIN PRIVILEGE TO DATE A GIRL LIKE ME
FAITHFULL ABD ****** LOYAL!!
All for what ?
To be played , Betrayed
Hurt neglected
EMOTIONALLY ABUSED
LOOK AT THESE MOTHAFUXNJN CUTS ON MY WRISTS!!
How many times have I carved for you ?!?
Idk idk my mind is spinning.
All I want right now is to GET A FUCKINN FIX !
Dope has always proved its self to me .
Ain’t nothing in this world that can make me feel whole.
Jul 2018 · 72
Jul 5 18
PEARL SMOKE Jul 2018
it hurts
The pain is too much.
These drugs aren’t enough
To numb them completely.
It’s tough , I need something
Real Fuckinn rough
To relieve me
From my broken heart
..

I’ve fallen to my knees
When I cry
I look up at the sky
Begging god
To please Help me see
Clearity and the path
To the life I deserve.
One Filled with happiness
Laughter, Comfort , Love .
Dk idk
Jun 2018 · 807
Am I ok
PEARL SMOKE Jun 2018
I’m not sure where I am.
Its all confusing,
So much is getting out of hand.
My thoughts , My feelings
My choices & Wants.
The actions I’ve taken  
Are Not connecting
Everything’s mixed up .

My minds in circles .
Its spinning
So so very fast .
Tugging from good to bad.
I feel so odd
Things feel so off .
I can’t make sense of
what’s going on.

As the days go by
I feel I’m losing conscious .
I grow confused more & more.
I find myself staring out into nothing.
I’m feeling empty but I can’t seem to go & Change myself from sad to happy.

I don’t know what’s going on
I dk what’s wrong
What is my purpose?
What am I supposed to be doing
Jun 2018 · 202
L s e Her prt 1
PEARL SMOKE Jun 2018
You will lose her.
Drugs will take her.
It’s no game.
She’ll be manipulated
To loving dope again.

Be aware
Take procaution .
Every relapse
Is a step closer to losing
Her self again

Her prospective will turn  .
Her views and thoughts
Will twist.
All good she believed in.
The positivity she spoke On?
Will be forgotten.

She Will Lose herself.
Drugs will Take her.
Are you prepared to let go ?

It’s no game it’s no joke .
Jun 2018 · 158
S u I c d
PEARL SMOKE Jun 2018
Thank you
For making me not
Want to be alive .
pushing me farther in darkness
To where I no longer
Bother to find the light.
Was this your whole plan.
To fool me About
Finding real happiness.
Finding solutions to get me  away from wanting
seeking drugs.
A promise to help me
Build a new life.
Being The replacement
that saved me.
Was this your bate.
To act like you cared.

So you can Trap me
Tie me up & Be your puppet.
Use me for your greatest advantages.
So you can throw & Toss me.
Exsist when your bored
Have nothing to do
Or no ones around to kick it
So I’m the unfortunate alternative.

Made me visualize
This prince & princess
Love story .
That was all a lie.
I feel in love you .
I did & went by everything you wanted me to.
When I did wrong
You scolded me .
I was never allowed to Act Upon your Unfairness .
I had to accept even the
things that were not .

Was this your plan ?
To lie about helping
my broken self.
To be your entertainment.
You saved me from suicide just to Show me more reasons why I don’t want to be alive?
I was your puppet with shut lips.
That’s why you loved me.
I managed to bite through my mouths strings and that’s when you begun to Dislike me.

I was never allowed to speak on actions that hurt me.
So I begun to.
Instead of realizing how true it is that your unfair ..
You grew anger
Started complaining Saying
All I want to do is start arguments.


You started losing interest.
What attracted you from me
Was my silence
Moved and grabbed me
Whenever you wanted
How ever you pleased
Treating me carelessly .

I’m treated like ****
I’m viewed as nothing
You have no respect for me
Or even care if my heart beats.

Thank you
For saving me from Wanting to end my life.
Just to use me up
Then Drop me back where I contemplate suicide .
Just this time ?
You’ve given me more of a reason to want to die
Jun 2018 · 138
Hello ?
PEARL SMOKE Jun 2018
I’m not sure where I am.
Its all confusing,
So much is getting out of hand.
My thoughts , My feelings
My choices & Wants.
The actions I’ve taken  
Are Not connecting
Everything’s mixed up .

My minds in circles .
Its spinning
So so very fast .
Tugging from good to bad.
I feel so odd
Things feel so off .
I can’t make sense of
what’s going on.

Something is wrong .
though another thing is Trying to push me away from Seeing it
Jun 2018 · 162
Clueless 2 luv Prt 2
PEARL SMOKE Jun 2018
angrily reminds me.
He wasn’t raised to show affection.
His reason to why he’s
Never caring or “loving”.
In a mean why
Telling me He’s Sorry
He can’t respect or show How much I mean to him .

Angrily tells me
He’s Sorry He can’t
Show me the “boyfriend qualities” id wish he had.
His excuse to never Making me feel special, appreciated, wanted is
He has no experience being in a real relationship.

Angrily Tells me
To go find someone els
Who can treat me the way I want.
Who Can do all the things
I ***** that he never does.
His excuse?
Once again..
He has no type of experience
Never had a real gf.

Angrily tells me
He has no experience showing someone how much they
mean to him .
How he doesn’t know how to treat a real girlfriend..

All of this gives him the right
To act So cruel.
All of this Is why I’m
Forced to forgive him for all of his hurtful actions.
I’m forced to be understanding
To always accept this.


Clueless on how to act in a relationship.
Mind blank of how to be loyal , Kind , caring, Honest & respect.
Well Learned To
Lie betray hate & be disrespectful
.
Clues on how to show love.
Be amourous , give affection.
Well educated on how to ask & insist for ****** pleasures.

He’s clueless on how to
make me Feel Special.
Well educated to make me
feel like I’m nothing .

Says to not expect
Teddy bears , surprises, Gifts.
He doesn’t know how .
He knows how to
Vanish for days give
Unread texts & missed calls.

Parents showed no love.
So he’s not experienced.
Parents didn’t show him To look & ask for ***.
But he’s fluent In Talking & Making his way through those gates.
To be continued
Jun 2018 · 164
Clueless 2 luv
PEARL SMOKE Jun 2018
I’m groping in the dark.
I entered this world clueless.
I don’t know whats right.
How am I supposed to act ?
What’s Ok & what’s not ?
What should I feel ?
How do I react .
Is this too much , Fair or too little?
What’s affection?
Why am I being scold ?
Why am I being Told that I’m not showing any love ?
I’m giving all my attention
I’m very nice , I’m showing that I care a lot and figure ways to make them smile and laugh?
Why are they mad ?
Insisting to touch lips
To Rub hips
To touch Areas I had no clue sent signals of “love” ?
I’m so confused.
I have no experience.
I’m told to kiss
But I don’t know how to move my ******* way they find pleasing?
As a matter of fact
This all feels so Uncomfortable
Weird , odd & A vibe that’s
Opposite from what they are experiencing...
I never knew there was
types of love .
Never knew the ways each one is expressed..
My head is blank from everything other than the love my
parents showed me..
i Got into a relationship
Without knowing the definition
Nothing close to knowing
any meanings..
Jun 2018 · 131
Yes you, come here ...
PEARL SMOKE Jun 2018
Ok ok all we do is argue .
Let’s try something new
No talking just Touching .
Something we lack .
Teach me other ways of
showing you love.

Let’s have fun
Let’s have ***
Let’s explore together new ways of making us feel great .

Let’s forget about Our life and problems
By Letting me ride Your Big *** ****.
On the bed , the floor the couch.
Let’s get ***** & ******* naughty.
Make me feel great about my body
By touching me In Desperate worshipping ways .

Let’s just take a pause from showing love and affection.
By Having *** and feeling that nice ****** sensation.

Teach me what makes you *****
The words , which Moans , my voice of tone.
What do you want me to say
Tell me baby il ******* obey .
So  Just shut the **** up .
Bend me over
*** up high
Head down low.
Make me ******* moan.
Spread my Cheecks apart
Watch your **** slip in and out.
My ***** waters at the thought
Of having your hard fat ****
Touching with just your tip on my ***** lips.
Teasing My kit
You see the nice juice your making me produce.
Yeah love that **** daddy .
Stroke me nice and slow .
Stop ******* with my heart !
Come **** my brains instead .
Shove your **** down my throat
Let me gag & choke.


Drop all your Issues
Let’s feel something other
than anger
By putting In your index fingers
One in the pink
One in the stick
Come here baby
Something new ?
Poems like this he’d prefer to view.
Jun 2018 · 110
Untitled
PEARL SMOKE Jun 2018
I’m just crying
Cry crying & crying
I can’t write nothing
I’m broken down
I’m crying
Crying because I don’t know what els to do
Jun 2018 · 113
Shrr
PEARL SMOKE Jun 2018
You lend me your hand .
When I was down on my knees.
I looked up at you as a goddess
Who came to my rescue.

You lend me your hand.
To Drag me further in hell.
I looked up at you with helpless eyes that poured tears .
Begging for savior.

Your job was to save me.
To help me out my dark world.
To teach me how to live life again.
Grow a loving bond.

You did the opposite
You failed me
Jun 2018 · 116
Untitled
PEARL SMOKE Jun 2018
What do I do now
Where do I turn
I’m lost without him
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