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You are both suffocating.
He finds his air in the space that he’s not getting,
You find it in the words that he's not saying,
You both turn blue.

You are both unhappy.
His face makes that burden lighter,
Your face is just another one on the pile.
You both see the meaning in the word “crush”

You are both looking for an escape.
To him, you are a cage,
To you, he is the key,
You both are trapped.

Both eyes stand open,
His are mahogany with rims of gold and flecks of amber,
Yours are brown,
Neither of you are color-blind.

You both share the same humor,
Your laughter is loud and carries,
His laughter is music and dances,
Both of your stomachs hurt.

You both sit silently,
He enjoys the quiet,
You enjoy his presence,
Neither of you speaks.
I know I love you
Because it hurts.
The idea of losing you tastes so bitter
I'm choking on it
Post,

Like the mail you would send with no return address so your parents wouldn’t know you were still seeing him.

Traumatic,

Like is the trauma actually there since you let it go on and he never Technically ***** you? Not that you’d be able to remember if he did seeing as there Are missing parts of that year.

Stress,

Like the thing you said led you to end it, as it was too much to have to handle your 38 year-old boyfriend when your friends wanted to talk about seventh period Chemistry.

Disorder,

Like your natural attraction to older men that he was able to save you from; Thank God he found you before someone really took advantage of you.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Cannot be real if you can’t let yourself remember it,
Hard as you try.

It’s not a flashback if
it’s only an image of him stuck in your head for 35 and a half hours
Or your song played on repeat
Or his words playing out like a broken keyboard

“Stay thin.
Stay young.
Be mine
Don’t go out.
Pick me.
Pick me.
Pick me.
Don’t go.
I can’t live without you.
You have to be my soul-mate.
I waited my whole life for you.
Thank God I found you before anyone could hurt you”.

They were just words.
Don’t make it bigger than it is.


He never ***** you
And he never hit you
So what are you flashing back to?

It’s not PTSD just because you are scared to sleep
Because he might be there.

It doesn’t make sense for you to be
plunged into
how sad you are about you and your
“High school sweetheart”
Because that’s what he was right?
I mean you were in high school.
And he looked young enough, right?
“Right baby, because my boss said today that I looked 22?”

And you thought it was romantic when
Forever Young
was your song
So it doesn’t make sense
that hearing it makes you cry and
not leave your bed.

After it all you were only
kissed
by a middle-aged man
And manipulated
by a living Ghost.

No *******,
No problem,
No PTSD.

Please be sure to kindly quit being
a drama queen
in the future.

Your mental illness
does not fit
the framework
laid down in textbooks,
Despite its ability to
bring you back in time,
To the battlefield
that you narrowly escaped from,
And we just can’t seem to hear your you
over the voice of the crowd’s whispers about
What you are supposed to be feeling.

Be sure to check back in if anything else should validate your illness,

Have a great day.
She listened to music that sung out her vacancy,
Allowing only those chords to be felt,
Keeping the emptiness
To ensure the sacredness of
Her ritual.
Thank you for validating
the debilitating fear
I had of losing you.

At least I know I'm not crazy.

Or at least I know I wasn't.
He's Insidious
He didn't **** me
He just put his thoughts into me
He exploded all over my insides
The ones that matter
The thoughts I would have as I fall asleep
How I would view my body
He was ******
But only when it meant that he could further permeate my thinking
He sunk his teeth in
But only to venomize my thoughts
He washed my brain but it will never be clean of him
And this all sounds very poetic
But it's the only way I know how to express how violated I feel
A text turned Poem
What's sad is that I've lived a million different lives in my head
a million lives that all included us

And the one life I have to live exists independently of any remnant of we.
I tell myself it will be okay
As I sit in my room
Clutching my hair at the root
Quivering uncontrollably
Feeling the loneliness run over my skin
Knowing once I break through
The world will stop being monsters
That wear your memory like a Tombstone
Howling at the moon like a cat in heat
I understand what withdrawal feels like
Except my drug is quitting me
Welcome to my Sunday Night.

12:50 AM
Wide awake from the adderall
I swallowed to chase my need
for achievement

1:03
After Achieving approximately
zero
of my work
I find myself fully indulging
In the little
teenaged
demon
on my shoulder.

As she encourages
The Rapid Fire  
of
Clicks

That lead to your
Facebook Page

1:04
I'm paging through photos of your
lovers past

I
Stop
and
Stare

at Her

And So begins
The Laundry List
of comparisons

She has a better jawline than mine.
Her eyes are browner than mine?
Her gaze is Piercing
She's so edgy
She's so original

She's basically
Perfect

1:35
At this point
I've


Paced

Approximately 205 Circles
Around My Room

Listed

About 80 Reasons
Why she's Better than me

Crawled

Into a Fetal Position
Of Panic

Concluded

That I could
Never
Make You as Happy as She Did

Wondered

How I could have been so
Foolish

Concocted

37 Schemes for Finding
A Way Out

Imagined

You calling her
"Baby"

Over
and
Over
and
Over
and
Over

Cried

Searching for the emotions I'd gambled
Like Poker Chips

Throwing them all in,
as a Sentiment to my
Commitment

1:40
I'm Asking Myself
1:41
How would I ever give him what he needed?
1:42
How could I be the Girl he'd end up with?
1:43
Why would I believe that I was right for him?

Each minute delivering haymaker Questions,
Each more crushing than the last.

And as my mind prepared for its Nightly Death

I Pause.

1:45
Checking the date that these photos found Origin
1:46
Approximately
3 Years

Since it was all over.

3 Years since the last
I
Love
You

Post

More than 2 Years since
The last photo that his eyes
Sang
Genuine Love Songs.

3 Years that

Their hearts had not been
beating each others names.

1:47
My Brain drags back
The Questions of Before
Torturing Me.

1:48
But Suddenly
There's a **** inside me
My heart is playing
defense

1:49
How Could I give him what he wanted?

Because my heart beats for the seconds in which your smile resides.

Because I'll accept nothing less than what you deserve, sun and stars alike.

1:52
How could I be the girl he'd end up with?

Because 3 Years is enough time to refine your tastes.

Because I'm in love with you today, and today you kissed me
With your eyes closed.

Because that smile doesn't belong to her anymore.

1:55
Why would I believe that I was right for him?

Because you deserve someone to love you like only I can.

Because I am a fighter.
I fight for what's right.
And every part of me is fighting for us.

Because I will not be driven away by shadows that
leave
as Darkness Descends.

I am there in the nights when
goosebumps
chill.

I am there when
I can only be
felt.

I am there
to create a smile that
can only be
heard.

Who are you to believe so strongly in a pipe dream?

2:00
I am the hopeless romantic.
2:05
I am the one whose got nothing left to lose.  
2:10
I am the one who wears that title as a Badge of Honor.
2:15
I am the one who will fight the world in protection of that tribute.
2:20
With every swipe of my pen in a
love letter
2:30
With every kiss
fueled like a
right hook
2:40
With every second
shoving toward making
You Happy
2:50
Who are you to claim him
"yours"?

I'm the one who refuses to get lazy with time.
I'm the one who will never say things out of spite.
I'm the one who has committed to their joy.

3:00
Who am I?

I'm the girl who will show him how to be loved.

That's ******* who.
I don't know how I feel about this.
I know you loved me because
You taught me the solace in solitude
Acting as a protector from
The parts of you that were
Waiting under your skin
To leave me broken

— The End —