I have broken parts of me
That I never want you to see.

But if I'm going to make a change,
I might as well let out the raw vulnerable parts of me,
And let you take your pick,
You can stay or you can walk.

And it's a ****** mess,
Quite literally,
The stories of these scars.
But smear away some blood,
And you can see something different.

And I'm scared of what you'll find,
If I tell you all my secrets and fears.
Because what if you leave,
And take those parts with you?

But the only way to trust someone
Is to trust them.
So here it is, here I am,
Here is all that I am.

Every broken vulnerable bit.
I don't have much
Skin left unmarked,
But if you'll take me as I am,
I can see myself
Half as well as you see me.

And I'm terrified
That you'll shine lights
On the darkest corners of my mind,
And run for the hills,
But the Bluebird I know
Is one of the bravest people
I've ever met.

Maybe I'm something atrocious,
Or maybe I'm just downtrodden,
But either way,
I'm scared but I'm as ready as I'll ever be,
Because I don't think anyone is ever really ready for anything.

I'll dig my fingers into my ribcage,
And split myself
To show you my heart and all it's scars,
And my soul and all the stains my sins have left upon it.

Close your eyes,
And don't open them until I tell you to.

Tear me apart
Rip me to shreds
What does it matter?
Break me
To shape me
Into what you want me
To be.

You aren't the first
To try
And I doubt
You will be
The last.

While I will proclaim
"You cannot break me,"
You know fully well
How broken I'm feeling.

I try so hard
To do right
By you
And all
It boils down
To are my flaws.

You are no better
Than those
You judged.

Keep your arms open wide,
Open wide.
Treat with love every time,
Every time.
Be fair, be certain, and be kind,
Be kind.

I'm afraid I cannot call a house a home,
A home.
I can only keep going, I know,
I know.
But there is nowhere to go,
To go.

And you'd give it all,
It all.
To paint these walls,
These walls.
With tear I've let fall,
Let fall.

To show that beauty can come,
Can come.
From even the saddest heart's thrum,
Heart's thrum.
And within the beat of every drum,
Every drum,

Good can be found,
Be found.
If only you look up from the ground,
The ground.

Please remember,
Keep your arms open wide,
Open wide.
Treat with love every time,
Every time.
Be fair, be certain, and be kind,
Be kind.

When the clouds draw near and you can't hear the shouting over your own tears, it's not going to be who you loved that destroyed you, but how much.

And even then, I promise it will have been worth it

Try to breathe,
Try to get oxygen to your lungs,
Try to breathe.

Slightly angry,
Slightly fed up,
Do I address it,
Or do I let it go?

I'd love to let it go,
But I'm here to try.
I'm here to be honest.

I need to know what you think,
If you find me beautiful or weak,
If you'd rather I stay
Or rather I go.
I'm sorry, I just need to know.

I'm sorry I'm cold,
I'm sorry I'm mad,
But I feel distant and
It's driving me crazy.

What am I supposed to do
When you're so far away
And I'm just here.

I feel like Ariel,
I have no voice right now,
And instead of true love's kiss bringing it back,
It's true love's acknowledgment.

I'm a beast,
And I'll remain a beast
Until the petals wilt off the rose
And I fall into dust and ashes,
Or until you acknowledge me.

Breathing isn't something that comes to me
With ease.

Breathing is difficult,
And I forget to do it often.

I'm so wrapped up
In awe,
In anxiety,
In wonder,
In despair,
That I forget that breathing
Keeps me here.

I have to force myself to breathe sometimes.

Because other times the air is too thin,
Or too thick,
And it chokes me.

I have a phobia of asphyxiation,
Which is pretty ironic
Seeing as something always
Takes my breath away.

I remember a time far away, where I held the hand of someone long gone.

I remember laughter and jeering words at light-hearted expense.

I remember the warmth of a summer breeze doing nothing to cool me off.

I remember braiding her hair, and braiding his.

And I can't help but to think: would it be any different now, would I be any different, if any of you stuck around?

I don't blame you.

I'll never blame you.

But I'm fearful of losing one more,
The same way I lost the five of you.

Listening to Hawthorne Heights leaves me all choked up.

There's a story here somewhere,
And sooner or later the man I want to marry
Will need to hear it.

Today isn't that day,
But August has always been tough for me,
About nine years ago we said goodbye without words,
Because you never liked goodbyes.
You felt they meant forgetting,
But you ******* idiot,
I'd never forget you, any of you.

Two years ago,
Two weeks from now,
I tried to disappear
Into nothing.
Claiming being burdensome
Wasn't the life for me.

I'm so glad I'm still around. I'm so glad I love who I love and that he loves me.

But I'd be lying to myself if I said there wasn't a part of me that's scared of losing what I have.

Sunshine
Softens
Blue skies.

I was born
Under a waxing gibbous
Moon
I was born within
Darker days
But light was just overhead.

I was born in a blizzard
I was born within a storm

I was the lost cause
That found themselves.

Be the sunshine,
Or be the storm.

But either way,
Be something.

There is light,
There is dark,
And no,
You don't have to choose
Right now.

I am the sunshine.
I am the rain.
I am the promise
Of brighter days.

My battery was at
94%.

Today it's at
7%.

I used the majority of it
To talk to you about your day,
And listen to your laugh.

I'm waiting on a cord
And maybe a text.
I don't mind waiting,
It's not the worst thing to have happen.

I kind of miss you.
And by kind of I mean really.

This is strange for me
I don't like getting attached.
I don't mind it so much with you.

I was once told
"We need never be hopeless."

And it is true. Things get better.

I was also once told
"Please be strong, please be brave."
I thought it was some type of warning,
That things would get worse.

I have never been happier
To be wrong.

Thank goodness
For Bluebirds.

Why does it even matter, it never even mattered. I'm just the broken little fragment of a memory, I could be so much better but I'm not, why should I be? Because why should I know anything, why should I be prefaced, why should it be explained? I'm nothing no one and I've never mattered and still don't.

I'm not even mad. Just sort of hurt.

So thanks for knocking the wind out of me from four hundred miles away. Maybe I'll be able to breathe again, but you're the only air I need but that doesn't matter, I guess, not to you.

I think the reason
Broken people
Are always drawn
To other
Broken people
Is that they
See each other's missing pieces
And they're so aware of their own
Missing pieces.
And they think
"Maybe your pieces can go where mine did,
And mine can go where yours did,
And together
We can be almost whole."

But broken people
Aren't very good at being whole
When they've been broken for so long.
They don't know how to be anything
But broken.

So I end up pushing you away.
I push you far, far away from me.
Because even though I need you around,
And I desperately want you with me,
I don't know how to be whole
anymore.
And that's what you do.
You make me whole.

And I push you and push you and push you
But you don't leave.
Even though you have absolutely
Every reason to leave.
Even though no one would question it.
Everyone would understand it.
Most people would be more than supportive of it.

But instead, you stay.

And I don't know if I make you whole,
But I know that sometimes you push me away too.
Not as far.
You never push me away as far as I push you,

But I am always ready to leave.
Because I've already done the sticking-around-when-no-one-wants-me thing.
And I've learned that there's no chasing people.
If they want to leave,
They will leave,
And you cannot ever stop them.

And everyone leaves, sooner or later.

You can't make a person want you
And you can't make a person choose you.

And someone can want you every second of every day,
But if they don't choose you,
It doesn't matter.

That's what I've learned.

So when you push me away from you,
My instinct is to leave.
I've never really had an actual home
Or an actual family,
So leaving isn't actually hard for me.
As much as I want to stay right here,
In your arms forever,
Leaving is easy.
It's natural for me.
I never knew how to stay.
I've always been a run-away kind of person.
Besides, it never takes anyone long to move on from me.
I leave,
They move on,
Their lives are better.

The hard part isn't leaving, for me.
It's forgetting.
Because I don't forget,
I can't move on.

Everyone I've left,
Everyone that has left me,
I remember.
I remember the hurt.
I remember them.

I'm not afraid to leave
When you push me away
Because I know you'll move on quickly
And I know you'll be better off
When I'm gone.

But when I push you away
I'm always so scared you'll go.
Because I don't want to move on,
And I don't want you to think I'll just forget you.
Because I won't.
Because I can't.

And I know it hurts that I'm so quick to leave,
And I know that knowing that it's only because I'm so used to going
Doesn't make it better.

I'm going to try to stay,
Because you stay.
Because I won't ever forget you,
And I don't want you to forget me.

I used to think
That once you love someone--
And I mean really really
Love them,
With every part of you--
I think once you love someone,
Well...
You never really stop.

I haven't had an appetite for weeks
Until today.
And for days
I've been seeing nothing but grey,
But today it seems
I've got enough love in my heart
To bubble over.

I know I'm kind of a child
When I'm sick
But thank you so much
For being  concerned
And I know it's odd,
The fear inside me,
Caused by my own nature,
My own being,
My own insecurities,
But your eyes and your smile,
And knowing that maybe somehow
I was the cause of that smile,
Well it means the world to me.

And I hope I'll get to hear your voice tonight,
Or maybe make you laugh,
See you smile.

It's strange that it used to be,
That all I wanted was to make a difference
In the darkness of this world,
But it seems to be,
However strange to me,
My only desire
Is to make you smile.

And call me sappy,
Call me cliche,
I guess I don't care,
Because I'd rather be a cliche
Than be cold within my heart
Instead of within my touch.

My extremities are ice cold,
But I promise my heart is warm,
For the most part.

And I'm hoping you're well,
And I'm hoping to be by your side
Now and forever.

That might be weird to say,
But it's a feeling that I know is right,
Like when the moment matches
The swell of the music,
Subtly playing in the background.

It's in the pit of my stomach,
The beat of my heart,
The core of my being,
And within every nerve.

I know being yours
Is right in a way,
I've never felt before.
Your name fits on my lips
Like a smile in a moment
Filled with bliss.

You keep me awake at night,
Your chirping siren song.

You keep me awake at night,
With lore of fae and goddesses.

You keep me awake at night,
All the memories of the things you did
That I never asked you to.

You keep me awake at night,
You and your hypocrisy.
You and your lies,
You and your foul mouthed fallacies.

You keep me awake at night,
With the guilt that isn't mine
That you gave me.

You keep me awake at night,
You and your use of my misfortune as ammo.

You keep me awake at night,
Your beady eyes and chirping voice.

You keep me awake at night,
So I guess it's time to get out of bed,
And squash some crickets.

Nausea stirs
As my heart drops into my stomach.

My vision is clouded
By opaque yellow,
The kind of yellow that is sharp,
Like the word *****.

My knees feel weak
My chest feels tight.

I have to rub my hands together
To stop them from shaking.

Not again not again not again not again

This happens everytime.
The word drops into the forefront of my brain
Like a hydrogen bomb,
And we're just
Collateral damage.

As always,
I wish I could say I'm sorry,
But I'd need a better word than that.
Even still,
Shrapnel is shrapnel,
And I guess I have to live
With what I've done.

With my hands tied tight and cruelly behind my back,
And my ankles strapped to the cold metal of a chair
I think of myself as a witch tied to a stake,
Waiting for judgment.
The same shame.
The same confusion for my crimes.
The same knowing that punishment will be dealt,
No matter the case.

I'm crying in the dark, trying to scream through the tape,
But no one can hear you when the door's closed.

I should have known then,
When he locked me away,
That none of this was normal
And I should have run.

And when I heard footsteps,
My voice caught in my throat.
I remember thinking
He's going to come back and he's going to ruin me worse than before.

And in the darkness I saw nothing,
But the pitter patter of the rain on the roof and within the gutters
Of the theatre.

And I remember the light spilling into the room,
When the door was pulled open,
And seeing the face of a friend I can no longer bring myself to speak to.

And I remember him tearing the tape from my wrists and ankles
And trying to lift me back up
When I fell to the ground in broken sobs.

He rushed me to to his girlfriend,
And I cried in her arms as she and the nurse
Tried to find out the severity of my bruises,
And if anything worse had happened.

I couldn't participate in gym class for a week,
But I was out longer,
Because I didn't want to change in front of the other girls
And let them see the bruises on my hips,
Thighs,
Abdomen,
And everywhere else.

Do not tell me I asked for it.
Do not ask me what I was wearing.
Do not tell me
I should have done this or done that.

I know what mistakes I made and what mistakes I didn't make.

That wasn't the first time
Nor was it the last.

I remember the shame
Burning beneath my flesh
In my therapists office
When he asked what I was wearing
That night.
And what was I supposed to say?

"Sorry sir, you obviously can't do your job. Have a nice night."

Is what I left that office with.

And I remember bleeding,
And I remember wanting to do violent things
And seek vengeance upon him.

But it'll be six years tomorrow
Since the first time that happened to me,
And I don't think I can keep living with wanting him dead.

My skin still burns with shame,
And I sometimes still revert back,
To the witch being burned at the stake.

I am not the sunlight
I am the faint glowing kiss of the moon.

I am not loud nor bright nor do I demand your attention.
I go unnoticed most nights.
but upon the nights of which
eyes of storm blue laced with heart gold
see me (finally)
I am quite the sight to behold.

I am not breathtaking
but i am soul snatching and heart stopping.
I bring tears to the eyes of mortal men,
if only they choose to look with their hearts
and truly see rightly.

I am not what the day has to offer.
but if it is the stars and moon that you choose
to love freely,
it is me that is yours.

If the hellhounds nip at my ankles--
(And they will)
Promise me you will put flowers at the foot
Of my coffin,
To cover the stubs
That they left.

If angels call for me--
(And they just might)
Hold my hand close to your heart,
But let my summer sunset voice
Fade away into the first night of a too-cold fall.

If the world tries to pull me underneath its cold, damp crust,
Then remember me as I was.

Remember me as spacey.
Remember me as guilty.
Remember me as filled with sorrow.

But most importantly
Remember the smile I smiled just for you.
Remember the laugh that bore your name.
Remember how my hand felt in yours,
And how bad it hurts to see it in his.

Remember my voice as it spoke your name, soft, sweet, and tasting like cool blueberries on a hot spring day.

And remember how I burned it to the ground
With hell hounds at my feet,
With angels at my throat.
Remember that I burned the bridge,
And spat blood into the ashes,
As this Earth swallowed me whole

And I was

Born.

First to die

Now to live

I'm scared
And I'm sorry.
I'm not that great
At accepting that this isn't
Some really lengthy and weird
Practical joke.

And it's not that I don't trust you,
But it's hard for me to trust.
And I trust you,
So completely.
So entirely.
Every part of you.

So by my instinct
I have to think
Something is amiss.

And maybe nothing is.
But how am I supposed to believe that,
When it feels like you're avoiding me?

Maybe you should avoid me.

I'm not sure anymore,
All I know
Is that I need you around,
And I wish you were here,
And I know you're exhausted.
The fear in the pit of my stomach
Tells me that I should hate me
And push you away,
But the love in my heart
Says that maybe it'll be okay.

I'm sure you wonder why
I question so often with
"Are you sure?"
So constantly.

I'm afraid.
And I want to know that your hand in mine
Is a permanent thing.

Why?

Why do you stay?
When all I do is try
To push you away?

Why?

Why are you here?
When every outburst I have
Is rooted in fear?

Why?

I ask,
Why?

"Because I love you."

And though it shuts me up,
Another lump in my throat passes
And I choke out,

**But how?

"Do you love him?"

I recall my therapist asking me last session.

"Yes,"

I answered, quickly, softly, and with all the warmth I had left.

"How do you know you love him?"

And I couldn't help but smile as I stammered out an answer,
Tears rushing to my eyes.

"Do you know what it's like to be colorblind?"

I wanted to ask.

"I have the opposite problem,"
I wanted to start.
"I see too many colors. Too much input, and it all plays out as a spinning wheel of color and light." I wanted to explain.

"But because of all the constant input of some type of color scheme, nothing makes sense."

And as I sighed, and gave my answer to him,
The much less complicated,
"He is kind, and loving, and smart, and understanding."

I desperately wanted to say, "My Bluebird makes me smile when I don't think I even remember how to. And it's because with him, the colors finally make sense."

And I know I should have said it. But how do I say it simply?

"Everything makes sense when I'm with him. That is how I know I love him."

Every single time you kiss me goodbye,
Whether it was to leave for a month,
Or in recent days, to go work,
There are always things I want to say,
But I can't make the words short enough, sweet enough.

I want to kiss your lips,
And run my fingers along your back,
And tell you that you mean more than the world to me,
But more than that.
That you're my everything,
But more than that.
That you make me the happiest person alive,
But more than that.
You make me content with living,
But more than that.
That I love you more than forever, more than always,
So please stay safe and come home to me.

Because you're my home,
But more than that.

I feel like I'm not worth your time,
But otherwise I'm okay.

I feel like my skin is crawling and I want to scrub my flesh
Until it bleeds,
But otherwise I'm okay.

I'm afraid to be alone right now
Because I'm sick of finding all the darkest places
In the depths of my mind.
But otherwise I'm okay.

I'm missing you,
And I'm hoping you miss me too.
And maybe I'm a lost cause,
But I hope I'm worth it.

Digging my nails
Into the flesh of my
Chest
Only to rip open my rib cage
And hope for the
Best.

There's a heart
I'm trying to show to
You
Because it's slowly healing,
And I was wondering if you could love it
Too.

My eye is swollen
From allergies but I can't look at it in the
Mirror
Because it reminds me of the black eyes I had
And if I don't look at it I can think
Clearer.

Today isn't the best day
I feel a lot like a
Failure.
My self esteem that I've built up
Is slowly depleting and I wish you could be my
Savior.

But I'm in this
Alone
And this battle is my
Own.

Blood drips from my open rib
Cage
I am waiting for you to sew me back up,
Despite my fear and all its' false
Rage.

I feel that you are up to the
Task
But in case you are not,
I should probably just
Ask.

By the very meaning of my name,
I am strife.
I am war.
I am doom.

By the very definition of my name,
I am violence,
I am hurt,
I am life and all the pain that you must endure
To understand happiness or light.

By the very essence of my being
I do not give up.
I do not give in.
The only thing I give
Is all I've got.

I am surprised
That you have accepted me,
Anger,
Sadness,
Constant needs for attention
And all.

But I am not surprised because of you.

You are beautifully caring,
And strong like no other.
You are the type of person
I have needed
For quite some time.

But I will do all I can
To love you
With all I am.

You are my heart,
My soul,
And above all else,
The most important person
And thing
In my life.

Thank you,
For clearing the fog of anger
And fear
Out of my head.

Your strength
Will be rewarded
With love,
Cuddles,
And probably some type of food.

(And lifelong commitment and loyalty, but y'know.)

Call me selfish,
Scream it in my face,
Spraying saliva across my tears.
Accuse me of wanting to fight.

I spread myself too thin,
I ignore my needs
Because I want to care for other people
So badly.

I want to care so much
For everyone.
I want to make them smile,
And I hate making them cry.
I don't relish
Making others feel bad.
And I don't understand
Why others are cruel
It just doesn't make sense.

And I'll rack my brain
And cry over the cruelty
Others exhibit
But it's not worth a thing.

And I'm wanting to make you smile,
Because making other people feel better
Makes me feel better,
And I know that's a selfish reason,
But why not?

I hope I can make you feel better,
Make you laugh or smile,
Because bad things don't last,
They can't.

And my friends always ask me
"You're always here for me,
You always spread yourself so thin,
Who's going to be there for you?"

And I laughed and laughed
My way to the hospital.

And I'm trying so hard
To make others smile,
And some people try so hard
To bring me down.

And you've brought me down.

Call me selfish.

At night i am
essentially blind.
and at night
I long to be held by you.

last night I was
and tonight
I will be.

and I want so badly
to be brave enough
strong enough
to do all that you can do.

they call that burning fluid
"liquid confidence"
it only made me tired
and warm.

I want to tell you that
I want you
need you
but I am not brave
enough to make those claims
when you're looking me
in the eye.

but it wouldn't
be a lie
if I said
you are all
I desire
and all I need
and want.

I was so scared
to jump that cliff
but look at how well
I fly
beside you.

If I think
I'll over think
And if I over think
I'll cry.

And I know I'm the problem,
I know I'm not quite
Where I should be
And I know I have a lot of
Problems
But I can be better
If only given the chance.

I will falter,
I will fail,
But some days
That's okay.

But I can't think
About it.
I can't think
Can't react
Just remain steady.

I cannot wait
To weather storms with you,
And I cannot wait
To see all the miracles of life with you.

And I used to think
I was the Eponine
To your Marius,
But I am the Hinata
To your Naruto.

My head hurts with
Pain I faced alone,
But I can't wait for the day
We face the world hand-in-hand,
Because you are all that I've ever wanted
Out of life and more.

It's taken awhile,
But I'm finally where I'm meant to be,
I'm finally within your heart.

My heart has lots of tears
And holes.
It has lots of little scars
And big scars,
And little breaks,
And big breaks.

And it's pretty big,
But it's kind of torn up,
And a little old.
It's pretty warm,
But it gets pretty cold
When you leave here.

I know it doesn't look like much,
But here's something kind of neat:
When the world feels like it's crashing down,
It will keep you safe and sound.

And I know it looks really ugly,
But it will keep you warm
On the nights you get really cold.
And when you feel sad,
It's nice to have a little bit of
Dim light in the darkness with you,
To help you find your way out.

And I can't promise
That my heart will brighten up
Every dark day,
But I can promise
It will keep you safe.

And I know with a little work,
And a lot of love,
My heart could be a nice home
For you too.

Freezing cold because I deserve it,
That's why I reject things like warmth
Or sweatshirts
Or hugs
When I'm sad and shivering.

I didn't want to tell you why,
Then and there,
When I already seemed so broken to you,
So wounded,
So damaged.

So hurt.

I don't want to burden you with that.
I have trouble letting myself be comfortable,
Because I think I don't deserve it, it makes me a problem.

Recently I've only wanted to sleep.
Change takes a lot out of me.
But I spend my days wide awake,
Because I can't get comfortable enough
Until I know you should be home,
And then I just want to be in your arms.

Your eyes take my breath away,
And I don't feel like catching it.

Sitting in a pew,
Thinking of my nightmares of you.
Kneeling to pray,
But no God will save me today.

I sit in the confessional,
But what can I confess to these halls?
Bloodied traces and
Tear stained faces,

I was thirteen when I threw up blood for the first time,
And I was turning nineteen the last time,
And humans are filled with bad intentions,
We sin in order to ignore all that our hearts mention,

Like you're only doing this for the thrill,
Or who would it ****?
You.
It destroys you.

We make excuses
To validate our uses,
Of people or words or things,
And this judgment is all that I can bring.

I'll let you in on a secret,
Let's hope you can keep it.
I never feel better after confession,
Maybe I'm too guilty for my good intentions.

Humans change,
We grow
We learn.

We like to think that it's
Only us as individuals,
But it's not.

We all change,
For better or for worse,
We all grow
And we all learn.

And even if it sometimes hurts,
Changing and growing is an important part
Of being human.
When we stop changing,
When we stop growing,
When we stop learning,
We cease being alive.

I've always thought
I would go completely unnoticed
For most of my life,
As though I were
Rain to a body of water,
Or the slight change of the wind
In a tornado.

But it seems
For some reason,
To you,
I am much more drastic
A thing.

And I won't put
Words in your mouth
Or try to find what I could be,
But you seem to take notice of me,
More than I take notice of myself.

And I've found
That I matter to you
In ways
I don't matter to myself.

And maybe
I need to take note,
But I know
You matter to me
Like the sun that warms my skin,
Or the sky that brightens my mood.
Or the rain that brings water,
And the green of the grass
Or the lively sounds of the birds,
You are all that I can fathom,
And that I desire.

I think of warmth washing over me,
As a blush creeps up my spine,
And spreads across my face.

Scarlet would christen my cheeks
On a day void of color,
If I were to hear your voice
And feel your breath against my skin.

But instead I am cold,
My bones and neck are stiff
With a lack of movement.

And I look towards the window
And sigh at the grey and threat of rain.

But my heart is light,
And I keep trying to reach
For you though
You aren't here.
443 miles away,
It's not that far,
But I can't afford a train.

And pain
Destroys my abdomen
But laughter lights up my face,
When I think of us and conversations.

And I adore
So much of you,
All of you,
I wish I could display
It in a proper way,
But when have I ever
Been considered
Proper?

From dragons
To sword play
To dresses and boots
And rain and mud,
I'm not what you'd call
A proper young lady.

I am very much a lady,
But behaving
Has never been my particular
Well,
Pattern of behavior,
If you will.

I am here,
With open wings and a fluttering heart
Waiting anxiously
To fly with you,
If you'd have me.

To think,
Today we are flying,
Maybe one day we'll be nesting as well.

I have a
Cheshire Grin.
Just as mad
Just as eerie.

I have a Cheshire Cat's Smile,
I'll coo to you in the wisps of your rage,
"Cool your jets."
And I'll explain how you need to keep
A level head
And all that jazz.

I have a
Cheshire Grin,
Because I am just as mad,
Just as eerie,
Just as innocent,
And just as deadly,
Within words and stories I spin,
And the webs I weave.

I am the
Mad Cheshire Cat,
For I am not a hatter,
No, nowhere near as cruel.

I am a Cheshire Cat,
Allow me to grin at you,
I am in all branches of the tree,
But in one spot,
All at once.

Feel the shiver down your spine,
As this the peculiar nature of this feline
Leaves you wondering,
Am I safe?
Am I sane?

Honey, in this world,
I am afraid
You are neither.

I would choose your storm
Over the chance of sunshine.

I would choose your winter
And blizzard
Over the chance of warmth.

I would rather get caught in your downpour
Than be within someone else's
Sunny weather.

I would  choose you on your worst day,
Than anyone else on their best.

Because even during your worst,
Most heinous torrential rain,
You are still my first choice,
My only choice.

Gold, silver, platinum,
Check off the little box
So you can
Find just the right thing,
That costs $50 or more.

I keep mentioning, as you keep moving closer in
On me, and my thoughts and my personal space,
"This isn't about me. It's not about me. I don't want to draw attention to myself."

And you say, over me,
"But look at this one!"

And you ogle over the shiny things
That I could give less of a **** about.
Because the real thing I'm excited for,
Is spending time with him.

I'm excited for being part of his life,
In this way,
In a way that kind of matters,
Because I want to be stand with him
And it makes me really happy,
And my heart all fluttery,
And my chest all warm
And I don't understand.
It's so corny.

I'm getting attached.
I knew I would.
But how could I not?
Maybe I always was.
Red strings of fate,
Well,
They're tricky little *******,
And will fool you for years.

So while you
Look at jewelry now for yourself on your phone,
I'll switch the ring you put in my cart
Out with one that I think suits the occasion
And him and I
Much better.

You'll think it's cute,
Whatever,
Blah blah blah
You won't get the sentimental value,
The fact that it will mean so much to me
If he smiles when he sees it.

But I guess that's the thing.
You had shiny things
And sparkly things
And green paper
For so long,
Much longer than I did.

I've learned to rather enjoy going without.
There isn't so much pressure.

And you say "It's not about our difference in tastes,"
Your tone implying that yours is still better,
"it's about looking classy and right for the occasion.
"It's not about your taste, it's about the occasion."

I start to see red,
And I go off for about six minutes,
A little longer than usual.
"How many times today have I said that this isn't about me?
"How many times today have I said that that's the reason I don't want to wear something like that?"

And I tried not to say it, but I did anyway.
"I'm not some type of ****. I don't use people. I refuse absolutely to give off that impression."

Because I know girls who do that,
And I know they wear things like that.
Extravagantly thin sparkly diamond strings lacing up their throats,
And rings the size of lollipops
Glittering their knuckles.
Manicured nails that could cut your face off,
Pedicured toes that could shank you in the stomach.
Hoops or chains glistening out of their punctured ears and tangling with long hair.
Purposefully too-tight too-short dresses to show too-much cleavage and sky-high heels that end in a point sharp enough to puncture your spinal column with ease.

I'm not supposed to look like some shiny barbie doll that's been weaponized.

If anything, if I got to choose, I'd want to look only vaguely threatening and positively ethereal and mostly gentle.

But then you go on and on and on
About manicures
And pedicures,
And I interrupt your rant on designs
For nails with
"Black."

"What?"

"Black or blue polish. Nothing else."

"You don't want to get fake nails--"

"Hell no."

"Extensio--"

"For my hair? **** that," Cue another sarcastic comment about weaponized barbie dolls.

This shouldn't be so stressful.
And I can feel myself crying,
And my breathing is a little shaky,
Because I don't think anyone understands
That I legitimately care about my Bluebird.
This isn't just about it being fun,
About time being fun with him,
About how easy talking to and being around him is.

It's about caring to the point of my chest hurting a little when I think something might be wrong.
It's about caring to that same point when he smiles, and being able to see it.

I know, I know.
Corny.

But still,
I've been so okay lately,
Yeah I've had a few bad days,
But he didn't run off when they happened,
And that means a lot.

Even writing this,
I'm tearing up a little.
I don't understand.
I know I shouldn't fight this feeling,
But I kind of think I might have to.
Just for a little while.

[Insert keyboard smash]
SDKLFJSADKLFJ
**** it, whatever.

Feelings are insane,
And they make me all choked up.

I have been searching all my life
To see if anyone can see
Beyond my facades and darkness
And rather see into it,
And find the hurt soul
Trying desperately to repair.

And I was astonished
At the fact that you
So willingly
Would see me,
And brave my shadows.
And I am so appreciative
Of the fact that you're here
To stay.

Write me a letter,
Tell me of songs,
Tell me of things
That take too long.

Like trying to keep
Yourself from telling how you feel
To your forever.

Write me something sweet,
Tell me something kind,
Tell me of light,
So bright I go blind.

I will write you sonnets,
I will write you a soliloquy,
Paint my heart with beautiful words,
And I will write you an acrostic for each.

There is loss,
Yet there is light,
And by finding sight
Within darkness,
I have found
The most beautiful nothings.

Don't let them see
You're hurting.

Reach out a little,
Ask for help,
But not too much.

Everything hurts,
But it's not a matter
Of mattering
It's matter
Of knowing you'll never
Be quite enough
For anyone.

Too distant a friend,
And when not withdrawn
Too clingy.
No in between.

Too troubled.
Too insecure.
Too much,
Just too much.

Don't ask for help.
Don't talk it out
Because you don't even know what's wrong,
Why have a support system
When you're breaking?

They'll leave anyway.

Close you eyes,
Hold your breathe,
You're in for something
Unexpected.

People might not help you
When you need it,
But they can't help you
If they don't know.

And they won't know
If you sew your mouth shut,
With "They'll leave anyway."

Take a risk,
Take a chance,
Tell a soul.
A kindred spirit
Will always
Hear it.

Ignite the flair in my eyes/the burning light within my bones/break my bones/watch me crumple/bruise me/break me/turn salt water/to blood.

I turn darkness/to fire/I turn your qualms/to fear/I am the outlier/I am the thunder/The lightning/The rain/The clouds/You cannot break me/For you-- and no other born of man-- has that much power.

For I am Powerhouse.

And it isn't my place to cut you down,
But I didn't say I couldn't prepare you.

Hunger
Aches
In the bottom of my stomach,
And I'm cold sitting here
Under a fan
With a sweatshirt on
And shorts.
I could move,
But there aren't a lot of places
To be.

And I'm slightly dizzy
Because the hunger is stronger than I thought,
And wow at least I'm hungry,
But it's a different type than I remember.

Hunger isn't so bad,
No, it is not as bad as I remember
Sitting in the cold of winter
Wondering if maybe the next day
Will bring shelter and food.

And I think and close my eyes
And suddenly I'm still cold and hungry,
But it's not cold as in I have ice in my veins,
Rather a lack of heat
That being I crave heat,
And my hunger isn't exactly for food,
Rather for the growling to stop
And maybe hunger of the eyes is a thing,
Because I want to see your eyes light up
Which they do from time to time,
And I want to see you laugh and smile and hear your voice
And oh my God,
The anticipation is killing me
But it's a-okay
I promise,
Because I love having my hand held in yours
And I'd (im)patiently wait lifetimes
To feel our fingers interlock
If I had to.

Not to be a cliche, defined as
cli·ché:
A stereotype that is overused and displays a lack of thought,
But Bluebird,
If flying with you isn't where I'm supposed to be
Then I am so happy to be lost.

(I will hold you in my heart
And keep you warm there,
If you return the favor.)

I was cold and afraid,
And then you came along.
And for the first time in a long time, I prayed.
And I've never felt something so strong.

And when you showed,
I didn't quite understand why,
But the music slowed,
And cupid struck my heart, some type of bull's eye.

And my red string began to loosen up,
I realized it was just like in all the songs.
It has nothing to do with being a grown up,
It was you, all this time, all along.

Cold and afraid just isn't me anymore.
Because of you, faith and love have been restored.

And sometimes I wonder
Why I'm only ever cold when we're not touching,
When you're far away.

And I wonder if I'm ever
Far from you.

If I ever seem distant
Or like I could slip out from your fingers
At any second.

I want to apologize if I do.

I never intend
On going away.
Against all odds and obstacles,
I promise I'm here to stay.

Sometimes,
And by sometimes i mean usually,
My skin is colder
Than my heart.

And i'm cold and missing you
And it's not like you're far away,
Or won't be here for long,
But i'm tired and shaky
And freezing
And thinking
Much too much.

I could never be colder
Than the ice in your bones
That you try so hard to disguise
With the fire in your eyes.

But there's no fear for you in my shaking hands,
But there's love for you
In my shaking knees.
But there's a brightness in my eyes,
That matches the fire you hold in yours.

And you're the light,
You're the color of the crackle of a fire.
You're colder than bone,
You're colder than what i know.
But you're warmer than snow,
And warmer than the fear I have,
The fear the I know.
You're the scent of snow,
You're the feeling of spring and summer.

My days are filled with color
And bright lights.
I see them everywhere,
And people try to attribute it
To some kind of mental illness
Or problem.

And while my head
Is basically
Alphabet soup,
These colors I see
Have nothing to do with
The reason I take
Multicolored pills
Every day
At various times.

Some days are red,
And others are green.
Some are pink
And today is grey.
My best days are blue,
And white rarely occurs.
Orange is a bad day
And yellow days are the worst.

Black days fill me with dread,
And on brown days, I'd rather disappear.

Gauge me on my colored days,
To help figure out how I feel.

I met you on a blue day.
And fell for you on the same,
And how astonishing it is
How these colors used to cause me pain,
But you seem to light up this darkness,
So I may see them
Clearly.

Soft yellow light,
Pink lower case,
Soft blue arches,
Green curves,
Red snakes.

Orange like a sunset,
Grey wolves howling,
Warm orange yellow like honey,
Green curves,
Orange like a sunset,
Brown like sand.

Red snakes,
Purple curve,
Orange like a sunset,
Warm orange yellow like honey,
Green curves,
Blue corners,
Blue corners,
Pink lower case.

Yellow
Yellow
Yellow

In short, the love of my life.

You don't think I see it.
And, honestly,
I didn't recognize it at first.

I've never been on the receiving end of that look.

But, as they hook me up
With wires and sensors
For an EKG,
I can see it.

The way you look at me.

That fire in your eyes,
Always so resilient,
So passionate.
Like you could do anything
As long as you really wanted it.

But it looked like that fire,
Just now,
Was eating you alive.
The flames licking at the fragments
Of your heart.

It looked like pain.
Like loss.
Like the world is falling down all around you,
And there is nothing you can do to stop it.

I recognize that look, now.
I've seen it in my own reflection,
Staring back at me,
Venomous tears threatening to burn through my skin
If I were to let them fall.
A sandy lump in my throat,
When I finally understood.

You can love someone with every part of you,
With your whole heart.
You can love someone
Through lifetimes.
Through centuries.
You can love someone to the very end of the universe,
And back again.

But you cannot love someone's broken pieces back together.

But,
Sometimes,
When all I feel is searing pain,
I think of the pain in your eyes,
The very depth of it,
The intensity,
When you even entertain the thought of losing me.

And it suddenly occurs to me,
That you love me.
And as long as you love me,
As long as you're mine,
I'm not done here. No, not yet.

So I stand up.
I brush myself off,
And look directly into the void,
And wait for it to blink first.

I growl through gritted teeth,
****** from a split lip,
While clutching the lace hem
Of my pink sundress.
*"I am not done here. No, not yet."

Listen up,
Because I won't say it twice.
I suggest you hear me out,
Though I won't promise that this will be
"Nice".

I'm an open book,
My heart on my sleeve,
But I'm opinionated and fiery,
Take it or leave.

I don't get walked on,
Without repercussions,
That's it, sorry sweetheart,
End of discussion.

And I'm sweet, yeah, okay.
But I'm the kind of person people search for,
I'm one of a kind,
You won't find any more.

And I'm loving,
I'm kind,
But there are dark things
You should pay mind.

Cracking knuckles
And bark from trees,
I'm no angel,
Don't think I am, please.

It's taken me a long time
To have enough self worth
To remain here happily
On earth,

But let's make it simple,
Let me make myself clear,
You can't break me--
I'm the strongest monster here.