My voice is silent,
My words are whispers in the blowing wind.
I am not loud,
I am not intrusive.

To most people,
An unheard
"I miss you."
Would be replaced
With
"Nevermind, it wasn't that important."

Because no one listens,
And it's gotten to the point
That you don't really care
If anyone hears you.

And all of a sudden
An unheard "I love you,"
Is replaced by a louder and more aggressive
"I love you!!!"

People don't hear
People like me.

I have a lot to say,
But few will ever listen.

Most listen
With the intent to respond,
Not the intent to hear.

I appreciate
And rather enjoy
Your intent to hear
Me.

I hope you know,
I have full intentions
Of hearing you too.

"They never made a proper term to describe us."

She began.

The candle light
Flickered
In the warm
May breeze

She swirled the liquid in her cup,
She said it was wine.
It looked more like gold.

"But, still, they tried..."

Sucubus
Siren
Demon
Her lips curved around the word,
Almost
Fondly.
It made sense her name was

L
I
L
L
I
T
H

Lillith

But, when she placed her glass down, she stared up at the moon, her amber eyes glistening, almost bright yellow.

Witch.*


I don't remember the rest of the night,
But I know it was filled with kindness I've never known,
And it smelled
Like jasmine
And gardenias.

It must be two in the morning.
it's cold. Dark. The bleeding is relentless.
My fault.
I didn't ask for any of this
but in the end it is my fault alone.

I try to breathe.
how?
I can't.
it feels like
liquid nitrogen.
not oxygen.
I need air.
can't breathe.
chest collapsing.

I wake up.

two ten.

still dark out.

got a text
at ten something
from my Bluebird of Peace.
a list of inappropriate but still humorous jokes.

some are cringey,
but I still laugh or smile.
and so guilt and shame are washed from my mind,
as I debate running
to the bathroom
to wash the cold sweat off
that has drenched my skin
and clothes.

I keep smelling iron
though I know it isn't there.

the things I have seen
and the things I have lost
like to haunt me.

I would like to be a ghost.
to haunt them
in return.

instead I breathe in.
I breathe out.

I change clothes,
stripping down entirely to put on shorts and a t-shirt.
I put on his hoodie.
Wait for warmth.
Hold my old stuffed lion.

send my Bluebird
a text.

I need some type of noise,
but all I hear is snoring
and the dripping of a faucet.

I am glad
for instances like these
that I do not
live alone.

at least this time
i didn't cry myself awake.

one day
it will be different.

"That part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail."

"Nobody the dead man,
"Nobody the living.
"Nobody is giving in,
"But just nobody is giving."

I want to be
in your arms
and I'm in the mood
to hide from the world.
people think they're friendly,
they just end up scaring me.

I want to hear your voice,
I want to laugh and talk about everything,
missing you is difficult,
but if this is the worst trial or tribulation,
I've got this in the bag.

loving someone should be easy,
you make it as necessary as breathing.

these tears in my eyes,
are no match for the smile
your laugh puts on my face.

I'm holding on through frustration,
and blinking back tears.

i am a nobody,
and i was told nobodies don't have homes.
but i am a nobody
with a heart and home
all my own.

(if home is where your heart is,
then my heart isn't quite home.)

I breathe in,
And the air doesn't flow through my windpipe,
But rather it gets stuck
Like a thick, hot fog
In my throat.

My skin is cold to the touch,
And I'm shivering
But I'm so hot that I couldn't
Stand a blanket being on my body.

My stomach is rebelling,
Throwing back up
Whatever sustenance I decide to give it.
And it hurts.

I am dizzy.
The room spins around me.
My head hurts
And I'm barely keeping water down.

This is my punishment,
I guess,
For having to take medication
To function normally.

Somedays I curse at myself.
I should be better.
I should be making more progress.
I feel stagnant.

I know this step back
Is really just a step forward
But it's driving me insane,
As if I wasn't already there.

I write word after word after word
Backspace backspace backspace

Not good enough.

Needs to be

Better.

Isn't that how it always is,
Though?

Wanting to be better
And better
And better than that.

Nothing is good enough,
Right?

You rewrite and rewrite
And change your clothes
And change your clothes again.

You make a cup of tea,
But there's too much honey,
So you drink it and make it again,
This time there's not enough.
I swear the only reason I stay hydrated
Is because I keep remaking these cups of tea.

And I go and change my clothes,
And I rewrite and rephrase that sentence
And then that scene
And then this stanza,
And then I change my clothes again
All in hopes
To be better
Than before.

When will I be good enough
For myself?
Enough that I am even
Good enough for you?

Too casual, change into something cute.
Too cute, change into something ****.
Ugh, why bother?

The fear of never being good enough
Eating away at my brain,
And my brain screams and cries
Striving at perfection
That I'll never
Achieve.

“Nobody the dead man & Nobody the living
Nobody is giving in & Nobody is giving
Nobody hears me but just Nobody cares
Nobody fears me but Nobody just stares
Nobody belongs to me & Nobody remains
No Nobody knows nothing
All that remains are remains”

I was sixteen-- No, seventeen
When I first read that poem,
And I had memorized it
And could repeat it at will,
But nobody asked me
What the point was.

I'll let you in on a secret,
I'll let you in on the game:
I was just a child,
And yet I was a face without a name.

And here came the demon in my veins,
From my mother and her mother and
My mother's father's mother,
And it wrapped me in darkness,
It wrapped me in shame,
Why feel a thing,
When life is but a game?

And no, nobody asks you
Nobody wants to
Protect you
When it's dark
And you're alone
And everything bad
Comes out to play,
But people change.

And people change,
And I swear to God it's for the better,
And people will give up on you,
But some will stick around,
See it through,
As long as it means
Some type of happiness with you.

The poem was right,
No nobody knows nothing because nobody knows anything at all,
And all that remains
Will only ever be remains,
But I'd rather be a remainder,
Than a reminder.

It's all about what you do
When nobody cares.

Isn't that life?

No one's making you spend
Lonely nights
Poisoning yourself,
Through and through.

I'm wondering about the future
And
I've got work to do,
To be someone better
Than who I was
Before.

And I've come a long way,
I really think you'd be proud
If you had been there
To watch me grow,
But I guess all that matters
Is that you're here now.

You say that we would've been friends
In high school,
Maybe we would've gotten together sooner,
But darling don't you know?
You would've hated the person I was,
I was a bundle of
Damage and poor attempts
At displays of good intentions.

And I tried too hard,
And I said too little.

And the good I did,
No one saw,
But I wouldn't change a thing
About the lives I touched.
They are who they are,
And I am who I am.

I'm going to keep
Being the me you love,
And I hope as we grow:
We grow together.
And I hope as we grow:
We grow together.

I have my own regrets,
And I grieve over them from time to time.
But life is all about moving forward,
So I guess that's what I'll do--
I'll move forward
With you.

There's no right way
To hurt someone.

There are ways that are too
Cruel
And ways that are more
Gentle

But there is no right way
To break a person.
There is no correct way
To hurt them.

You can live your life
Feeling guilty and broken up
About what their twisted perspective
Has made you think you've done.

Or you can learn from it,
And move on.

If I may I suggest:
Burn the bridge,
Remember the inferno's heat,
And keep walking forward.

I've been spiraling
All over the place.
And I don't know
If I'm going to make it out
In one piece.

That is if I make it out
At all.

Please don't believe me
When I tell you nothing is wrong.
Don't believe me
When I tell you I'm fine.

I'm trying to protect you
From myself,
But don't let me,
No,
Don't let me.

I'm not okay,
I'm sorry.
I'm scared and I can't do it
By myself.

Breathe life into me,
Because I'll be okay,
I promise you.
But I can't be okay
Right now.

I don't know how to tell you
I don't know how to just say
That I'm so far
Away from okay.

I wish you'd ask
How I am
And I wish you'd
Be a little more attentive,
For the sole reason
That I'm not holding up
As well as I've been.

What heart?

Who needs one.

Desolated?

Ha, like I needed it.

There is nothing to me
Without you,
But I'd rather be nothing
Than treated like dirt.

I love you so,
And would give anything to be with you,
But I can't stand
To be accused of something
I'd never dare say.

I love you so
And do not want to be without you
But obviously
I am not one to be with.

I am nothing
No one
Nobody
Nowhere.

I miss you.

I am nothing.

I am nothing.
I am nobody.

I look into a the mirror
And I see broken glass
And visions of the past.

I look through the window,
And I'm met with sulfuric acid
And darkness,
And it burns away my light,
Leaving me with loss.

I am nothing,
I am nobody,
I look at my reflection
And I see doubt
And rejection.

I am nothing.

She says it's nothing,
Because it should be nothing,
And She says it's nothing
Because it's so small,
Just like her,
That it's almost nothing anyway.

She says things like
I'm fine
And
It's okay
Because it's easier
Than breaking her front of strength
And showing you all the raw parts of her heart.

She swallows down hiccups and sobs,
And chokes out a broken and raspy
Don't worry about it.
Because she doesn't want to worry about it.

And most of the time
When  she doesn't talk to you
And she's angry
She's not angry at you,
She's angry at herself.

Because when she's good, she's great.
She's sunshine and brighter days
And warmth and care
And quick wit
And maternal instincts
And gentle touches
And firm stances.
It's all I love you's and this is where I belong

But when she's bad,
It's a kind of darkness she doesn't even fathom.
It's Why do I even bother?
And I don't fit anywhere

And I try so hard to be the best I can be
But I'm still not good enough.

She's rainstorms that send her into panic attacks,
She's flashbacks after flashbacks.
She's itching scars and aching wrists
And being able to feel the blood in your veins.
She's cold, too cold, so cold,
With a hot temper that flares and burns
Every bridge and person she's ever cared for.

She's a bird with a broken wing,
And she can fly
But try as she might it's never right.

And when she's bad, it's do you love me do you love me  do you love me
And when she gets worse it's suddenly and harshly
How could you love me?

She become shaking hands gripping the cold counter top for dear life,
Her need for self control begging her not to make a noise,
Not to cry or scream
Not to break the mirror--
But she wants to break the mirror because she can't stand the person she sees.

But when you reel her back in,
And pull her back down from her breakdown-esque break-away-from-you,
She's fragile and shaking,
But her pieces come back together strong enough to smile,
And she is small but she is slowly,
With ever the stubborn tenacity,
Getting better,
Getting stronger,
And more understanding.

Just remember to be gentle,
And when she asks you,
With fear hindering her vocal chords,
Making her all the more soft spoken,
"Am I really so bad?"

Remind her exactly why
You see anything in her at all.

There's nothing beautiful
about not needing anybody.
there's nothing beautiful
about being heartless.
about leaving everything
and everyone you've ever
cared for
behind.

there is something beautiful
about caring.
about the good, the bad, and the ugly
parts of loving someone.

there is something beautiful
about listening.
about recognizing the octaves of laughter,
and the rhythmic tones
of someone's speaking voice.

there is something beautiful
about the thrum of a certain heartbeat.

there is nothing beautiful
about not having a heart
at all.

This wasn't supposed to be pretty.

This wasn't supposed to be clever.

This is only supposed to be honest.

I just want to die.

Sometimes I get so scared
That you only spend time with me
Out of obligation.

Sometimes I get so scared
That you only talk to me
Because you feel responsible for me.

I worry that I am no longer fun for you.
That I no longer light that spark in yiur heart.

It scares me so much
The idea that you've gotten sick of me.

I cannot breathe.

Roses are red,
Poppys are too,
I wonder if you know
How long I've loved you?

Some kittens are black,
And baby snakes can be green,
You are so gentle and kind,
And never try to be mean.

Some cats are orange!
And others are gold.
I want to be with you forever,
And together we will grow old.

Some birds are green and purple,
While my favorite is blue.
It was worth the wait
To fly (not fall) with you.

Lizards are speckled,
But foxes are not.
You always tend to be
Within my thoughts.

My favorite tree is a willow,
And my favorite flower, daffodils,
Are yellow.
So please hold my heart's pieces,
And never let go.

Roses are red,
And I feel just fine.
So please take my hand,
And be my valentine?

Didn't anybody
Ever stop to tell you.
Star's are known to collapse,
So they can be reborn.

A star can't belong to anyone.
Something that dangerous, that wild.
It cannot be tamed.

Something that dark, that light,
Can not be held and confined within a human heart,
Or the heart will shatter
And the star will collapse.

And he has collapsed. And that's okay.
Because he has been reborn
As my Bluebird.
And I love my Bluebird
More than forever.
More than always.
More than the moon and stars.

Your eyes are composed of
Storms and galaxies.

Your voice is constructed from
The low growl of a tiger,
And the cry of a warrior.

Your mind is a monument
Of walls upon walls upon walls,
And behind those walls
I see a glimmer of light
And love
And some darkness scattered
Here and there.

Your body is structured to resemble
Gods and stars.
Your hands find me
In between warm breaths
And laughter fills the air
In lighthearted bursts of tickling.

I could steal glances at
Your eyes and the galaxies they hold within them
For all of forever.

you're the other end
that tugs so tightly
on my red string of fate.

you're my soulmate, my one and only.

you once were so willing to help silence all the chaos in my head. all the loud of the world, and all the toxins that tried to leak into me from my past to turn me into the very same monsters.

but still

your laugh, your smile, it makes me bubble over with gratitude. when you are glad to be with me, when you know I love you, that warmth glows and glimmers in your irises as clearly as starlight in the very heart of the deepest woodlands during the darkest nights.

my lovely Bluebird of Peace, my valiant Archangel, you are my Anamchara.

you See me.

But You Are Colorblind.

Sometimes i'm okay,
And, i guess, sometimes i'm not.

And sometimes i'm great,
And sometimes, i guess, i'm not.

Sometimes
I'm a sunny day.
I'm all cloudless skies
And blooming flowers
And green, green grass.

And sometimes i'm a starry night.
Usually, i'm a starry night.
And it's not that i'm sad or shutting you out,
It's just that if there's too much light
You can't see the stars.


But sometimes i'm a hurricane.
I'm all heavy downpouring rain
And lightning
And winds that tear everything
And everyone
Down.
I'm so destructive,
Self destructive
But if i said it never hurt anyone else
I'd be lying.

But sometimes,
I guess,
I'm Orion's belt
And Ursa Minor,
And the milky way.
And i'm all stardust and shining planets
And burning hydrogen.

Sometimes, i am beautiful.

And, i guess, sometimes i'm just okay.

I will not omit
Any piece or part
Or scar or flaw
That is mine
For your comfort.

I do not care
If you cannot find comfort
Because I refuse
To powder my face snow white
Like pancake batter,
And hide, like a fraud,
My broken insecurities
And darkest scars.

I will be rude
And I will be sarcastic.
I will be obnoxious
And I will be intelligent.

I will be honest,
And raw
And real.
If you cannot handle that,
Little girl,
Well,
You wouldn't be the first.

I am strong,
For I have been broken,
But not by you,
No,
A mere human could not break the likes of me.
I have been broken
By aspects of life
I could not circumvent.

But I will be brave
And strong
And I will fly.

Without insects in sight.

I am shivering and cold
Not like that's new,
But I'd do anything
To be next to you.

And it's crazy and strange
And what do I say,
There's a Bluebird in my heart,
And I want him to stay.

I want so badly
To tell you the truth,
That my love for you
Has been growing since youth.

And I know it sounds crazy and strange,
But this is all I've ever known to be true,
That my heart is yours,
And my place is with you.

She clutches a stuffed rabbit
Close to her body.
His ears are threadbare,
All the fur has been loved off.

The lights overhead
Can mean life or death,
So she looks into the glassy eyes of her rabbit,
Her eyes imitating his,
What her mother would call "misty eyed".

She stares at the lights,
As they become more and more, ever the closer.
Ever the brighter.

She drops her rabbit into a bush, whispering,
"This is your chance. Go on, become."
The lights get brighter.
The bush does nothing but rustle.
"Please." She whispers.

The lights are too bright.
There's a hissing noise,
And in the shadow of the lights,
Much too bright too see her,
A rabbit with a fluffy white tail,
And very real paws,
Nervously bounds out of the bushes.

The rabbit hesitates,
Almost looks back.

And then he's gone.

The boy looks at the fire.
It only grows larger, it seems, in the dead of night.
There's snow on the ground, but with the fire,
It won't last long.

He runs into the forest behind his house.
Places his black teddy bear in the tree house
They used to spend all summer in.

He ties a note around the teddy bear's neck
With a shoelace.

"I know it's scary, but you have to become, okay?"

A high pitched shriek is heard from below.

He shivers.

"Don't worry. I promise I'll be okay." He crosses his fingers behind his back.
Papa said lying is never good, even if it's for a good reason.
He has to hope Papa is wrong.

He takes in a deep breath,
And climbs down the ladder of the tree house.

There's all kinds of growling and screaming from below.

Later on, near day break,
A large black bear tumbles out of the woods.
He whines and groans
And paws at the ash.

A note is tied around his neck
By an over stretched shoelace.

The rabbit hops through the snow,
Almost disappearing
As his fur is bright and white as the fog behind him.

He halts when he sees the large black bear.

The bear spots him immediately.

The bear bounds over to the rabbit,
And stands on his hind legs after they touch noses.

The rabbit ***** his head to the side,
And the bear paws at the note tied to his neck.

A man clears his throat.

The bear jumps, obviously shaken by the noise,
While the rabbit edges closer, chest puffed out and head held high.

The man laughs.

"I won't hurt you." The man says softly.
"That note, I believe it's for me."

The bear is crouched,
Seemingly trying to hide behind the rabbit.

The rabbit sticks his little arms out to his sides,
And shakes his head.

The man frowns.

A lion appears behind him.
And then a tiger.
And then cats and dogs and birds and snakes.

"There haven't been animals in this wood in decades." Explains the man. "All these animals are just like you."

The bears slowly looks up and blinks at the other animals.

The rabbit puts down his arms.
He suddenly bounces towards the man, sniffs him furiously,
And then grabs the note off the bear's neck.
The bear lets out a halfhearted roar,
And sits down.

The man reads the note.
He crushes it in his hands, and calls to the various, now having become animals.
He stands, back turned to the bear.

The bear's eyes go wide.

"All of your people did what they could to protect you. It is now that we seek vengeance for them. It is now that we take back these woods, our land. It is now that we save the remainders of our people. We have become, because of them. It's time we pay our debt!"

The rabbit stands at the man's feet. He looks awe-struck, and he squeaks in agreement while the other animals grown and yowl their responses.

The bear does nothing, but stare at the man's back.

Because out of the man's back
Sticks a wind-up key.
That just keeps on spinning,
With no end in sight.

I'm sure one day you'll see me.
One day you'll appreciate that I stuck around.
One day you'll realize that this is give and take,
And that I've given more than my fair share,
(But I'm okay with that.)

One day you'll understand that I can't read minds,
And one day you'll articulate that you care,
And one day you'll verbalize how much I mean to you.

One day you'll hear me,
Without words.
And one day you'll see me
With your heart.

But until then,
I'll keep guessing and hoping
That maybe I am enough for you.
And maybe there are just words you haven't said,
Maybe there are actions left to be done.

One day I'll be healthy.
One day I'll be better.
One day I'll be what you subconsciously want me to be,
Because maybe that's the problem.

But until that day,
I sit here with misty eyes,
Choking on whimpers and sobs.

I just want you to show that you care.

It's always
One or the other
For my sisters
And my brothers,
It's always one
Or the other,
But not for me,
Standing here with broken wings.

I fly a little awkwardly,
A little off-balance,
And it's a little upsetting
To your matter-of-fact
Way of flight,
But please, oh, please?
Can't you see
My little light?

It is small
And a little fractured
But it bobs to-and-fro
In the shadow.

With you it's always
One or the other.
For my sisters
And my brothers,
Under your thumb,
It's always one or the other.

The only wiggle room
Is meant for you,
But it's high noon,
And I'm done with it too.

Maybe I'm just not
Worth your time anymore,
I've been a disobedient pet--
But if that's how you see me,
Then you really don't know me yet.

With you it's always
One or the other,
So I guess I'll just fall back on another.
Because it's always
One or the other,
Guess I'll find a better
Mother.

I try pretty hard
To keep it together
Because of chemical imbalances
And imbalances in life.

And try as I might,
I falter a lot.

And it's easy to get sick of
My tears and flinching form.

And I can feel myself
Pulling away,
It's safer
this way,

The darkness whispers to me,
And though I pull and tear and scratch
At it's hold,
I feel it encroaching ever closer.

And this is why I am so needy as of late,
So pushy about attention and being near you.

You are a light
That keeps the desire
To flee and all the darkness
It brings with it
At bay.

Try as I might,
I can't do this on my own.

That focused look in your eyes,
And the slight furrow of your brow
Sends a spiral of butterflies
Fluttering in my stomach.

And the warmth of your hands
On my skin,
And the comfort of your arms
Around me,
Reminds me
That I am just as human
As anyone else,
And I have needs and wants
As anyone else.

And hyperventilated
Breathing
From a nightmare
Where I was bound and trapped
All too real
Because at one point it was real,
And it saddens me
That sometimes you have to see me
With fear in my eyes.

But the comfort of your breath
On my neck
And your words
In my ears,
And your eyes
Locked on me,
With your hands
On my skin or
Fingers tangled in my hair
Regulates my breathing
So that I may fall back to sleep.

Your voice is loving
And calming
And suddenly I am
Filled with warmth
Even for a moment.

I am far from perfect,
But I am beginning to think
That you are okay with that.

Humans are stardust.
Nothing more
Nothing less.
We, being stardust, are also energy.
So we cannot be created
Nor destroyed.
Only reborn, constantly.

And I think there's something
Just lovely about that.

I think the reason some of us like the smell of gasoline,
Or the smell of a charred grill,
Or just things burning,
Is because that's what they say space smells like.
And think those few of us
Who enjoy the smell of gasoline,
Charred grills,
And burning things,
Are those of us who somewhat remember
Being nothing more, and nothing less, than a star.

And I think the only people who can remember being stardust
Are the newest and oldest of souls.
Because they're the ones closest to both
The beginning
And the end.

And, while I know it hurts to remember
Things you cannot fathom,
I think there's something beautiful--
Strangely beautiful.
Obscurely beautiful,
In having lived so many lives
Yet still remembering when you were the very first you.

Humans are stardust.
Nothing more,
Nothing less.
We, being stardust, are also energy.
So we cannot be created
Nor destroyed.
Only reborn, constantly.

And I think there's something
Just lovely about that.

I want to be a mom.
A homemaker.
I want to be happy.
I want to make others happy.

I want to see you smile
At me, while I wear an off-white dress,
And I want to see you smile
At children I want to give you.

And I want to be the woman
That makes your dark days a little bit brighter,
And I want to be the woman
That will sit with you in the rain.

I want to be the person
That will stand beside you every step of the way.
I want to be the one
That will do my best to lift you up.

I want to be the girl
You remember
And even better.

I want to be the person
That helps you grow and helps you be
Who you want to be.

And I am going to love you
Until the end of days,
And even then some.

Walking home in the rain,
Carrying the groceries in one hand,
And a fallen leaf in the other.

Pulling up the hood of my mother's raincoat,
I take a minute to sit on a bench
While rain keeps pouring from above.

I stare at the leaf,
And then the sky,
And I realize,
This place isn't my home
Anymore.

I always thought
My home would be a familiar place,
But it's not.

I always thought
Home would be where my parents were,
Where my brothers and sisters were,
Where I've grown up,
And the place my friends live.

But I was wrong.

So just like how
Fall shows you that letting things go
Can be beautiful,
I need to let this place go
Too.

This just isn't my home
Anymore.

My home is a laugh,
A smile,
Warm arms around me
After tears and nightmares.

I care too much,
I get hurt too easily.
Fall too quickly.
This isn't my home anymore.

My home isn't a familiar place,
Rather a familiar face.

I could do dishes for days,
And still not be done.

I could wash your laundry,
And vacuum the carpets,
And mop the tile floors.

But this place is not a home
Unless you are here.

I could fill the air with music
And forced laughter,
But unless you are here,
This is not my home.

For my home
Is wherever your heart resides;
For my home
Is within your arms.

I'll never understand what happened.

I'll never quite get it.

Things changed so rapidly,
And I'll never quite understand how or when,
Or if I was even there at all to stop it.

In some ways,
You'll always be my mother.
In other ways,
You'll never be.

And as much as parts of me
Whole anger and resentment,
There will always be a larger,
Much more forgiving
Part of me
That does not.

That holds only love
And appreciation
For everything you did.

So go ahead,
Paint me black.
I will love you through it,
Because, well,
We both know
I used to be golden.

You say it's a vision of the past
That I keep seeing
I say it's my biggest character flaw.

I trust in patterns and statistics
More than I trust in people.

I am emotional
But logical
And it makes sense
To watch me fail
But failure is not the option
I'm choosing.

You are the light
I've found
Within my darkness
That I trudge through.

You are the sunshine
That I chase,
The rainbow
I trace
On my window.

I've run after you,
Waited for you,
Subconsciously
Sometimes consciously
My entire life.

You are the person,
The being
The thing
I have yearned and longed for.

All my life
I have been let down
Put down
And finally
You are who I've been searching for.

I always thought it was some type
Of fantasy
Child's dream,
Ending up with the boy
I loved for the very first time,
And now finally,
Finally I realize

You do not follow your dreams.
No, dreams are meant to be chased down and ran after.

And now
Instead of chasing you down,
I can walk side by side with you
For the rest of time.

I fight a constant battle
With who I used to be,
And how it compares
To the person I am now.

I was broken down in a lot of ways,
And it made me cold,
And sooner or later
That cold broke too,
And I became fearful
And shaky.

But upon carefully looking closer
At this
I've found that
I can slowly rebuild myself
Into being somewhat okay,
Even if I am a different version
Of myself.

I am always so scared, these days.
I mean, I've always been afraid of what
Is scaring me so much right now.
But right now it seems somewhat plausible.
And right now, if it happens, it will all be my fault.

Because all it seems I know how to do
Is break people and run away.

People like me,
We were never taught about
How to love,
How to have a home,
How to be stable.

People like me,
We were only ever taught how to survive.

Which means we run, and we push people away, and we handle all our troubles on our own.

And a person can only survive like that for so long, before they stop being an actual person.

People like me,
We were taught how to survive.

No one ever taught us how to live.

Love with all your certainties,
Love with all your absolutes.
Love with the entirety of your being.

Love without questioning it,
Love without fear,
Without further contemplation on
Whether or not
It is right,
Despite all fear.

Do not love
In percentages,
Less than one hundred.

Because I love you
With 100% of my being,
And 100% of my heart,
And 100% of everything I can fathom
And muster up.

I do not love
In percentages less than
One hundred.

I will love you
For all of my life,
If you intend
On staying.

I will give you
100% of myself.

Some days,
I can only put in
43% of my best,
Because I don't even have
5% for myself.

But on those days,
I will still love you
100%,
And know I will never
Love you less
Than one hundred percent.

Please be strong; Please be brave,
You never told me
You wouldn't stay.

Why get invested
When it all disappears,
Why even stay?
What's the point to being here?

I am strong,
I am brave.
No one said
I had to stay,

But I will stay,
Because staying
Was my intention
All this time.

I will not leave,
That type of life
Just doesn't suit me.

I know at times,
I'm one for strife,
But I'm going to be here
With you, for life.

You're all I want,
All I need.
You're the air
I desperately need
To breathe.

And most girls
Want someone who will
Take their breath away.
But when you're my hopes,
My dreams,
The very epitome
Of the air I breathe,
I'd be so far gone
Without you.

And I'm not fond
Of getting attached,
And I'm sure I'd figure myself out
Without you,
But I don't want to.
I don't want to,
At all.

Don't take my breath away, please.
You're the only air
I want to breathe.

I love you so much.

More than the moon and stars.

I love you so much,
That I would lock myself away forever
If it meant you were finally given some type of peace.

I love you so much,
That I would anxiously give away
All the scars and memories I have
That I'm so twistedly proud of,
If it meant you could be happy.

I love you so much.
You are the air I need to breathe.
But I would gladly
Die of asphyxiation and oxygen deprivation
If it meant you were safe.
If it meant you could be okay.

I love you so, so, so much.

And I know it doesn't mean much,
But I am going to keep my promises,
Even if they're already broken.
I'm going to fix this, us.

I love you so much.
Though I understand if you don't believe me.

I mean, how could you believe that someone
Loves you
When all they seem to do is leave?

I want to tell you that I know that I wouldn't be able to believe that either.

But what you need to know is that I already don't.

I want to lay my head on your chest,
I want to count your heartbeats,
I want to be by your side,
From now until forever.

But out of fear,
And learning from past mistakes,
I can't just drop what I have here
(Which is next to nothing)
To run away.

I can't keep running away,
It's not proper,
It's not lady-like.

I hope you understand--
I know running away was my idea.

But without a ring on my finger,
What am I really running to?

I can't make that mistake again.
I can't risk that much of myself again.

Please understand.
Please don't be mad.
I need some kind of back up,
Something to back up the decision,
Some type of proof I'm not going to be
Abandoned again.

I'm scared and I'm sorry.

"Why are you burning
Precious childhood memories?"

You get a sudden rush of cold late Winter air.
The world smells like it's never going to stop raining.
Your brother and you are sitting outside the garage.
You can't stop crying,
But he's still trying his damndest to comfort you.
You were five.
For three years after, you will still think it is your fault
For coming inside covered in rain water.

"Why are you burning
Precious childhood memories?"

Your eyes stung with tears.
Your chest felt heavy.
But you couldn't tell what hurt worse,
The literal smack across the face,
Or the sting of betrayal when your mother agrees with your father,
That you are, in fact, no good.

"Why are you burning
Precious childhood memories?"

You're sitting out in the living room of the apartment.
The room is dark,
Except for a fading lamp.
It is 9:30 at night.
The sun is only beginning to fall behind the horizon.
Your father finally speaks,
After clearing his throat,
A slight cough to clear the residual cold from the ice of his drink-- tonight was scotch, thank god.
He says "Y'know, it's okay if you're a lesbian. Just make sure your girlfriend is hot. Oh, and blonde." He laughs bitterly between sips.
You can smell the alcohol from where you're sitting.
You can feel the dread in the pit of your stomach.
You feel hot anger piercing and burning your palms.
You hold your fists tighter.
You clench your jaw until your head hurts.
You mumble something.
"What?" He snaps, half apathetic, have with a dangerous edge.

"I don't like blondes." You say through gritted teeth. It's only a half-truth. You don't actually like anybody, blonde or otherwise.

He laughs, but you know it's forced.
"Trust me when I say this, you definitely can't afford to be that picky."

Your eyes meet his. Shadow against shadow. Midnight against midnight. You don't speak. He laughs, and goes on to tell you how he's the only one in this family that even likes you, so you better start being nicer to him.

"Why are you burning
Precious childhood memories?"

You don't remember hurting yourself,
So when she asks, you tell her
That you don't know where the cuts came from.
She calls you a coward for not having already taken your own life.

"Why are you burning
Precious childhood memories?"

You were up all night,
Wishing you wouldn't wake up.
You go to walk out the door to the bus,
You stop in the kitchen to grab something quick for breakfast.
As soon as your hand reaches the cupboard handle, you can feel her gaze on your back.
You decide you don't want breakfast that morning.

"Why are you--"

She's in the hospital again.
You just wanted to celebrate your brother
Having made it another year in this hell hole.
But that's not what she wanted.
You both spend his birthday sitting silently in the hotel room,
Staring out the window,
Wishing that Spring would bring a change along with all the warmth it promises.

"-- burning precious childhood memories?"

Your little brother his crying.
The other is asleep.
But this brother has a cold.
The other is still asleep.
This brother cries
Because he doesn't feel good.
He's barely four months old
So he can't use his words.

He's crying very loudly.

She screams in his face.
Tells him to stop crying.
Tells him to just shut up already.
You jump off the couch
And yell at her as loud as your eight year old self can manage to be.
"DON'T YELL AT HIM. HE'S ONLY A BABY!"

She glares at you,
A wicked snarl,
And tells you that she'll do whatever the hell she wants,
You're her children.

He's still crying.
Now they're both awake,
And they're both crying.

"Why are you--"

"W-why are y-you"

*"Why are you burning--"

What a joke.

To think that I'd
Ever rank high
On someone's list
Of important things.

I used to.
When it was new
And fresh
And you didn't
Realize
How damaged
I actually am.

And now I'm unsure
If you even
Want to talk to me
At all.

Seeing things that aren't there,
*******.

I just want you to be happy to hear from me,
Happy to see me,
Happy to have me
Around.

I'll never be that
For anyone.

I've been labelled
A problem child
And i've been treated
As such
But can you really
Blame me?

Faux abandonment
Designed by the county and fate.
Placed into neglect and unforgiving
Expectations
All the while
Getting the will-to-go-on
Ripped out of me
Punch by kick by disgusting and unwanted ****** of hips.

Throw in some
Toxic people and bad life choices
And i'm the biggest problem
You've got.

No wonder no one
Wants me.

Trouble's the name,
Makin' up mischief is the game.

I wasn't the type of little girl
In perfect dresses
With big fancy print hand writing,
That was completely legible.

I wasn't the one
That boys had first crushes on.

No, I was the girl
Dreaming of fantasies,
Hoping for a someday,
Resisting the temptation
To run away.

I am the blood that pools in your mouth,
When you try not to gag from pain.
I've been there,
Done that.
Not again.

I'm the chalky taste of medication,
When you dry swallow it
And it gets stuck in your esphagus.
I'm the head ache after you try not to cry
After an hour long therapy session.

I'm the piece of gum
You chew to keep from having an anxiety attack,
But it's lost all flavor,
But you can't spit it out or you won't be able to breathe.

I'm an imagination
That goes a little too far,
I'm the not plausible,
The impossible,
The "I-want-to-save-the-world" complex.

But I'm also
The I-Will-Love-You-Unconditionally feeling,
And the smell of snow
Right before a blizzard,
And the feeling of knowing
Your fire place will burn and you have books to read
While the snow comes down.

I the burning of your hands
When you come in from the cold.

But you are
The relief when the headache from crying finally passes.
You are
The sweet taste of air
When the anxiety attack passes.

You are water
When dehydration gets the best of me.

You are the safety of a warm blanket,
When it feels like my world is caving in.

You are the familiar pulling sensation
On my heart
When I crave holding your hand.

You are the familiarity
Of autumn and laughter.

I may be the intensity of fire,
And the audacity of ice,
You are the temptation
Of watching the sky become a whole color
When the sun sets and fades into night.

You are the perfect balance
To my lack of a center of gravity.

You all claim to be
Pro-life,
But where are the people
Who are pro-living?

And your
Lack of a cause
Has done what, exactly, to change
This world for the better?

Throw words around
Like they're *****.
But I'll brush them off
And wear them as a badge of honor.

Your feigned apathy
Towards fixing the problem
Is hindering the solution.

Just because you have no personal responsibility
Doesn't mean you have no responsibility at all.

You're scared of real feminism,
Because you think it will operate how
Your patriarchy does:
Violently and without remorse
Or consequence.

You fear equality for races
Because you believe
It will work the same way
Your oppression does:
Mercilessly and lacking real punishment.

You refuse to lend a hand to others,
To those dying in the streets,
Whether it be this nation or another,
Because you believe you won't get anything back.

And you claim to be pro-life,
Because someone yet to be born
Has no sin,
Is an innocent life.
But the moment they breathe in
All this air,
They are cast with original sin,
And you get to decide their fate.

And you claim to be pro-life,
But you're the one who makes the judgment,
You're the one who decides whether they live a life worth living
Or die a death unfitting.

And you claim you're pro-life,
But when there are
Children going hungry,
And parents getting sick,
And riots or bombs in the streets,
And hate crimes becoming
More and more and more
Can you tell me that you care?
That you'll do more than stop and stare?

You all claim to be
Pro-life,
But where are the people
Who are pro-living?

No one's really ever proud of you
Until you do exactly what they say.
So no one will ever be proud of me,
But I'm okay with that.

I'm proud of me.

And I'm proud of you too.

Life is tough,
Life is hard,
And if I could punch my mental illness in the throat,
I'd do it.

And if I could stitch together all the shaky parts of you,
I would.
But if they didn't quiver from time to time,
They'd lose their character,
And I like that you have character.

Everyone has some type of insecurity,
I just happen to be a pistol and fire away at mine.

And when everyone's getting you down,
Listen above the crowd.
Hear above the noise,
Remember that I'm proud of you.

I am proud of your smile,
I am proud of your effort,
I am proud of your big victories
And your small victories.

And I know it probably doesn't mean much,
Coming from someone like me
(Meek, shy, and timid most of the time)
But I'm proud of you each and every day.

Here it goes again,
Here it comes again,
The articles about
Psychopaths
And the accusatory tone
Twisting behaviors
Twisting actions
To sound toxic
To sound dangerous
To stamp a big red label on my skin,
Screaming
"AVOID THIS ONE AT ALL COSTS"

While I sit and weep.

But these articles
Blog posts
People fleeing from me
Left and right
Are lies, right?

Tell me, please,
Tell me,
Someone?

My anxiety and need to be reassured
Roots from my PTSD,
And my neediness and wants for attention
Is normal for my upbringing,
Right?

And writing poem after poem
About how much I care for you,
And making playlists
With songs in it
That make me think of you,
Is just a sign that I care,
Right?

I don't want to be
A psychopath.
I don't  want to be
A toxic person,
I don't understand
How telling someone you love them,
Is bad?

But these articles say that showering someone
In constant attention and praise
Means you're a psychopath.

And these blog posts
Are telling me that poems and gifts and music,
All means you're selfish and unfeeling.

But I don't want to be,
I care so much, I love you so much.

I'm afraid
Of who I am.