It’s like everything is still in slow motion, but also a silent film.
It’s like I’m not even sneaking out for a cigarette anymore,
I light one in the room with the door open.
It’s like I’m not trying.
My grades are dropping as well as my bags are growing,
They ask me if I’m sick and I say, yea
It’s the cold
I have a cold

It’s been a while since I tried to write a poem.
It’s been a while since I’ve tried to make sense of the Spirographs that are my thoughts.
Sometimes I try and follow the line as it weaves it ways through the dark circles.
But sometimes
I can’t,
Sometimes I end up in the kitchen taking a whole bottle of pills,
Sometimes I end up in the hospital drinking bottles of charcoal,
You see everyday April 5th replays in my mind.

I tell her I’m tired and go to bed, I’ve had a couple of shots and a beer in my hand and I throw on one of her tee shirts and sweats and sleep
It’s 3:27 am I wake up with the alarm clock right in my face
As if fate was saying you will remember this forever
A man I do not know it touching me, he places his self inside me,
Like a knife into a piece of meat
I can’t move, I’m confused, I’m sad I’m angry, I’m shocked, I feel every emotion at once but I’m in limbo,
This can’t be happening I say
But it is and my body does nothing to change it.
I can’t look him in the face as his chuckles and groans becomes the ringing in my head,
My pants are on the ground and all I want to do is shed my skin
I walk to the bathroom I’m still floating in limbo it feels my steps aren’t really steps
This is all a nightmare
Bathroom doors lock and hopes that shower doors could too, the water so hot I hope it melts him off me
Like candle wax
I don’t remember anything after that
The next day I tell my friends
You were ***** they say.
**** victim is the one thing I never thought would describe me
Yet still every time I close my eyes I see the alarm clock
3:27 am
Every time I hear a laugh it’s his
Every time I’m alone
I’m scared that I’m not.

My first kiss wasn’t with a boy I loved.
It wasn’t even with a boy I liked.
It wasn’t a dare.
It wasn’t a mistake.
My first kiss was a moment, two people in the same place at exactly the right time it made all the sense in the world but I am like swift winds. I move to fast and spread my self too thin and I let moments pass.
Because that is what happens with moments they only last a moment.
And the moment ended and time pasted and he had other moments and lived in them and I was still playing that moment in my head because it felt like I wasn’t really there.
When I asked what the moment meant to him he said, I don’t know.
Sometime I wish he said nothing or every everything, just anything more then I don’t know.
I didn’t kiss a boy I loved.
I didn’t kiss a boy I liked.
Instead I kissed a moment.
And I think I missed the moment.

When I was young my mother told me she hopes I find someone like my father one day. I thought it was an compliment when I saw the bruises bloom among her skin, like flowers they grew.
One day my mother made me wake up in the middle of the night and threw all my things in a suit case, “we are going on a trip” is what she told me and I didn’t understand why my mother was so quite and quick to leave the house.
That night she told me she hopes I never marry someone like my father I didn’t know if that was a compliment anymore.
The first boy I loved was nothing like my father he was sweet and kind and I was in love but it was to soon and our paths didn’t met all the way.
The second boy I loved was just like my father an outline of hate surround him and I fell in love it reminded me of my father. But like Icarus got to close to the sun I got to close to him.
His flame hit my wings and I melted until I hit the ground hard. I left.
I can’t tell if I love you.
But I couldn’t tell if I loved my father.
So let me fall.
And hit the ground harder.