if you take advantage
of someone's weaknesses

that is
n o t
love

It’s been awhile dear diary, How are you I would ask? Are you still fixated by the old love story you used to write daily in the past?

It’s been awhile teddy, How are you I would ask? Do you miss the times I would hug you every night every so afraid of the dark even though I had a night light?

It’s been awhile photos, How are you I would ask? I wonder why I smiled in every shot thinking the reason I was happy as that…

It’s been a while heart, How are you I would ask? Are you still fixated about your love story? Missing his hugs in everyday life? Or thinking the reasons you felt happy by his side?

It’s been awhile…
Love,

How are you I would ask?

Do you still remember our old love story?
Or the hugs I give you?
Perhaps maybe the smiles we had when we were together, smiling at each other.

It’s been a while

I hope you’re okay.

With the written love story of yours in that invitation

As you hug her in your arms both of you dressed in formal attire

And smiling sweetly captured in that altar

It’s been awhile since I cried, I wonder why?

If someone pulled me from the inside out
Would they still like what they see?
Such things I hide behind
Are not always with intent to deceive
Do I have an intriguing mind?
Or better yet...
Do I have a beautiful heart?
Shouldn't these be the most important parts
I wear masks to disguise the pain
Underneath a river of lies fall down like rain
Should this river of lies drown me?
Or does it just make me grow
a thicker shell for all to see

Dad,
I am no longer your little girl
you can no longer protect me
not from the monsters within.

In a black hole you see me falling
In dark corners curling,
In the bottom of oceans sailing;
storms stonewalling.

Dad, you might think I am thralled -
But I tell you!

In my bed
I am appalling, trawling
reaching
for something to grasp
trying to calm myself down
Shoving the memories back.

Fighting the demons.
I see them
sprawling across
me
my dreams
my lungs
my THOUGHTS..
    my thoughts
          my thoughts...

DAD!!

I am betrayed
by my own mind...
          my body
          is REBELLING against me...

Despite the mountains
I trained
to carry
above my shoulders...

Some days -
Some days it feels
I am skinned alive...

One breeze of air
is enough to run sirens
alerting a world of
A BILLION neurons

Leaving me
stranded
agonised
looking for shelter,
wishing I can
crawl back
to my mother's womb
    sit, curl, and hold my legs -
    grasp the umbilical cord
    hear her heartbeat
1... 2...
Breath... In... Out...

Dear Dad,
don't you worry.
You raised a strong girl.
patiently she learnt -
how to beautifully braid
her fears and tears.

Your little girl
learnt how to play-
with the monsters nested in the head....
and the monsters under the bed.... into poetic ink
and art on the wall
she transformed them all.

She is a survivor, who copes

That said...

Every now and then
in my own bubble
you'll see me
slipping
in my favourite corner
sitting
unconsciously
graves for my unborn children
digging
not seeing a point for
living.

Deep inside
I will be silently screaming
I am brave
I am brave
But I am
slightly cursed
scarred
wishing I was still
your little girl

Romantis ya?

"Apa?"

Senja.

"Apanya yang romantis?"

Dia yang paling banyak berkorban daripada Siang dan Malam—Senja itu. Hadirnya sesaat, cuma sebagai peralihan dari Siang ke Malam. Dia sadar kalau dia luar biasa indah, tapi dia nggak egois.

"Nggak egois bagaimana?"

Iya, kalau dia egois, dia nggak akan mengalah pada Malam. Dia bakal minta waktu lebih lama sama Yang Punya Semesta untuk memamerkan keindahannya, tapi nyatanya enggak. Dia merelakan hadirnya cuma sesaat, dan memilih untuk mengalah atas keegoisan Malam yang ingin mencumbu Pagi.

Flowered walls and pictures with scenes

of young girls
Only dressed to be seen.

A record player and a too large bed

A lonely girl who was lost in her head

She was waiting
Waiting
Waiting

For a savior

And not the Jesus that her father gave her..

Her religion became
Books
Music
Thoughts

Anything that could take her away
From those four walls.

From the nothing
That was
Every.
Single.
Day.

Like a shell

Wandering halls
And bus isles

Empty hallways
That were her home

A tiny
Small spirit
Who was all alone.

Nothing changed.
There was no one and nothing to find.

The thing that she looked for

Was only in her mind.