I am dirt.
I am a constant in your life.
I am there to catch you when you fall.
I am there when you lay alone at night
struggling to feel something.
I am never fading
for I am dirt.

You are human.
Your body was not meant to touch stars.
You are meant to swallow fire
to burn cities to the ground.
You take me for granted because
You are human.

You are a human who found another human.
Another human who could do my job.
Another human who could do more.
Another human who stole you from me.
Yet you didn’t take them for granted.
Your human is a thief.

I thought I was dirt.
Now I am laying alone at night.
What am I feeling?
Dirt can’t feel, or can it?
I am not dirt.

I am human.

I have a thing called a mood disorder.
With mood disorders, my moods flip
Rapidly and or without reason.
I can be laughing one second
The next is a crying mess.

I met this guy
He helped me so in return I helped him.
He then asked me out and I said yes.
It slightly made my mood disorder more manageable.

I’d bend over backwards to help him
And he would be in return help me aswell.
It was a give give relationship.

He begun to tell me he loved me
Naturally I said the same and knew I meant it.
But when he said it, it was questionable.

With my mood disorder it makes it hard to function some days.
He started to leave me alone because  he said it would make me worse with him around.
He started saying he picked up extra hours at work to get extra money
He started to say he didn’t feel the same way about me as he use to…

He said, “I think we should see other people”

Now whenever someone says something that triggers a memory of him
I am happy, sad, angry, and confused. My mood keeps flipping.
I start to recite memories while smiling which turns into tears streaming down my face.
I start to remember how he cared for me and how I cared for him.

I remember the time he was so depressed I stayed up for hours, so he wouldn’t harm himself…
I remember he stopped doing the same for me.

I thought it was love and he could accept me for my flaws.
I thought he wanted me and only me.
But then I found out, he cheated during it all.
Now I am a mess. I am not the same and still think about him.

He was my first true love…
My first true disaster.

Splish Splash but it is simply more than that
Water cascades down the side of the dam
Not only does this take away your breath
But also the water that reeks of fish

As I run my hand through this cold water,
I realize one thing
Even though the water is calm up here and down there
There is still that rough patch where everything can just go down

Life is just like a waterfall
Even when going down
It is still a beautiful sight

Nothing will EVER take this moment away
Nothing will EVER ruin this for me
This moment is mine
And mine alone.

If everyone were a clown,
I’d be the worst.
Clowns aren’t suppose to make you frown,
I just bring you down.

Painted on smile,
But it’s not really there.
See its an illusion,
Don’t chuckle and sneer

Washing off makeup
But only with tears
A day full of syrup
Full of despair

Take the gun and **** it
Please don’t mock this
Lifetime of sadness
Everything is madness.

Water squirts
It’s just a toy
It just hurts
I just wanted joy

One more time
It is time to die
Gun on head
I want to be dead.

Hovering over the trigger
His eyes getting bigger
Wet again
With blood

Its not water
Amen
On the ground, a thud
Today he slaughtered

It was a man,
It was, himself.

i. you were a soccer player
we met online and talked for hours
you played video games like i did
you had the brightest smile
you were handsome to me

but you had excuses for not being ready
you were left incomplete by someone before me
you distanced yourself, afraid of making mistakes
then you went and made one
thats when you left me.


ii. a random guy picking up a random girl
we didnt get along at first but soon we were always talking
that one day we were sitting in the field
i couldn't stop staring at you and smiling
you asked me out and my heart fluttered

but we were not right together
you didnt filter what you to said to other girls
you went to prison for a month
your friends verbally attacked me over what you did
you cheated and i no longer could excuse you anymore, i left.

iii. you helped me while my heart was broken
you spoiled me rotten and made me smile
you helped me make friends
you were a good christian boy
i felt so safe with you

but one day that stopped
physically and emotionally left hurting
you made me close up inside
making tinder profiles and flirting with girls on there
you lied to the world about me and made me the villian

iv. you are the last one i'd ever think would hurt me
no the heartbreak didn't come from us dating
no this one came afterwards when we stayed friends
you were my rock and my friend
you were there for years

but then i saw the real you
you assumed one day my twitter post was about you and it wasn't
you admitted to stealing something of my dead grandma's
you carved into my wall, cussing at me
now i am stuck unable to trust because of you

I want what you have
Which was originally mine
But I also love you
I can’t bring myself to do that

I could easily have it back
At the price of friendship
But I also love you
I can’t bring myself to do that

I let you enjoy it with me
Yet you took more than I wanted
That feeling of betrayal...
I love you but you hurt me

Is this how jealously forms?
I am never jealous.
Why am I jealous now?
Because my best friend stole my love of my life…

Without knowing it.

War is not just guns and a battlefield.

War is never-ending.
War happens anywhere.
War can occur in your house.
War, War, War…

Death is not just a rotting corpse that smells like three week old sushi.

Death is heartbreak,
Death is failure.
Death can occur in your house.
Death, Death, Death…

Making enemies is not just hating a person.

Making enemies is a death sentence.
Making enemies is a disgrace
Making enemies can occur in your house.

No matter location, biome, temperature, gender, race, or religion
You do not stand for the hate and bigotry around you

This is not just soldiers.
This is organizations, politicians, hate groups and more.
This is people.
This is our world.

To the woman who took me on as an extra grandkid when I lost my grandma and never got to say goodbye
I am sorry I couldn't say goodbye to you too.

To the woman who assured me I wasn't a failure and I could do anything I set my mind to
I am sorry I can't be strong right now.

To the woman i lived with for three years
I am sorry I haven't stopped by to visit again.


My heart is so heavy right now
without you I am struggling to breathe.


And even though I hate hugs, I grew to love your hugs.

Rest in Peace Mrs. Houde.