Move along the tiny voice whispered
Not yet she said
It's okay, take your time
But do not become comfortable
For you will remain still as a statue

dont call me,
i aint pickin up,
i dont care,
i dont wanna get up,
i dont wanna get up ,
and deal with ur ****,
im done ,
its ****** over,
u were just a cover,
i dont,
give a flying ****,
if your,
sad that we broke up,
it was,
over when it it had just begun,
when u said,
i was the only one,
i felt like,
that u were holding a gun,
to my head,
now ur gone,
when u had what u wanted,
u left me broke,
u lent me hatetred,
u left me so ****** up,
that i dont know,
who i was anymore,
so ******* go get a life,
im done,
come back,
and youll get the blade of my knife.

When a loved one leaves this habitat,
It is the time to really be sad
Because it is the truth,
That he left his corpse, that he left this world
So, he left all of us alone, in this ill ground.

He was the one most closest to me,
One to be called as a perfect flower
He was a fragile flower opening to the warmth of spring
But now born asleep.

No, he has not left us till now
He is still beneath me, still with eyes set on me,
He is still running with the breeze with bloom
Still chattering with birds, still roaring with clouds,
Still playing with cubs and calfs,
He is still present everywhere around me,
From rivers to mountains.

He will always with me as a part of this nature,
As a part of my life.

in that fuzzy place
between loving
and letting go
reaching for the door
intending to walk out
but refusing to detangle you
from my thoughts

so I stay in the fuzzy place
hoping that someone
pulls me back
/
hoping that someone
opens the door

I haven’t decided

when you took your life, it was your last thoughts
what will your friends say, how will they act
will the jokes go on or will the petty drama cease.
do you cause a rift in their friendship or do they grow closer because of you.
you’re grandma cries out your name, you’ve never seen her cry
is this how she reacts? Is this what she says
your younger sister, lost, alone, you left her.
she feels sick. she has no best friend.
what does she say but I don’t want to live if you don’t.
How does she react?
Do the teachers at your school care? Do they miss you. What do they say, how do they react. When you’re there one day and gone the next.
How do your cousins who are to young to understand death miss you? Do they remember you? Will they remember you?
How does your mom live with the guilt that she feels it’s on her, she cries out for help.
Is this how you want her to feel? Is that what you want her to say?

When you’re gone they can’t hear you calling out to then telling them you’re ok.
When you left the world you weren’t ok.
When you asked you’re self how would they react, you reminded yourself this was a mistake.

I'm sorry for double texting
and reading into every word-
that I miss you so much
and that it consumes me,
and that I hold onto every little snippets of
emotion crumbs that you leave.

Sorry I just don't know how to love in a healthy way.

I miss you mommy

I think about you a lot
About who you were
And what you were
To me

How kind and self-sacrificing you were
How hardworking
How strong
How beautiful and loving and warm and bright

Oh, how I miss you!

But the more I think about you
The more I realize
Just how fragile
You truly were

How your kindness
And self-sacrificing nature
Was the result of abusive parents
Who constantly molested your body and mind,
Spewing lies of you
Being meaningless and unlovable
As they rubbed their sins and selves upon you

Oh, how you wanted to be loved and needed!

How you used hardwork
To gain the fraudulent love and care
Of rotten people,
Who used you to fill their pockets
And laze around on the back of your efforts.

Oh, how they hurt you!

How your strength
Was throwing up walls
To keep them out,
So they could never penetrate
Deep enough into your heart
To ever hurt you again.

Oh, how you feared they would!

And how your
Beauty,
Love,
Warmth and
Brightness
Was who you truly were
And who you promised yourself to be.

For me
My brother
And my dad

For friends and strangers
My cousins, aunts and uncles
And my horrible grandparents

For all of us
Because it made you feel
Loved and needed

And you were
You were so very
Loved and needed

I hope you knew that you were

I miss you mommy