It’s 3 am and I miss the way yours arm wrap around me
The lat time we saw each other we cuddled and fell asleep
I go to bed now and miss the gentle, loving touches we shared
Why do you plague my memory this way when you aren’t even there?

And it saddens me that I won’t feel you any longer
You’re a distant memory of the past where our love will no longer foster
You plague me with the memory of your arms around me
Oh how I long to be held by you again, even just once more, to feel complete

(11/8/22; 3:04 am)

My friends sent me a series of photos of you
Apparently you were spotted in the flesh

It feels like a distant memory that I was once that close to you

In the pictures you’re smiling
And I can’t help but smile looking at you with that smile on your face
“You look like you’re doing well”
I think to myself

It’s not that im not doing well,
Im doing pretty okay, I’d like to think

But I’m happy you’re okay
I wonder if you think the same of me

I look at you fondly reliving the good times, and well, the bad too
I’m happy you’re happy
Even if it wasn’t, it isn’t me

You once meant the world to me
And I care about you deeply
But all I ever wanted was to see you happy

And as I look at you from a photograph,
Reminding me of the distance between us,
I’m just really happy you’re happy.

(6/28/23; 12:19 AM)

I was on my laptop playing a high stress game
And I switched tabs and saw that telegram had a notif
My heart beat a million times per second
I could feel it beating through my chest
Much like the time we spent in my backseat, professing our love to each other

My heart beat fast
Palms sweaty
It’s a lot like falling in love
But you aren’t here

I check the message and it’s not you
My heart continues to beat as loud and as fast as it was
Am I relieved that it wasn’t you?
Why did I feel so anxious, thinking it had been you
I wished it was you
I really wished

I hoped you talked to me again
And yes
I am upset that it wasn’t you

Why do we reserve things for special people in our lives?
That thing just gets ruined when they’re no longer there

My heart still beats fast
Trying to calm down
I felt all the symptoms of nervousness all at once
I really hoped it was you
But alas you’ve left my life
I should stop hoping it’s you

I am disappointed it’s not you
Please come back.

I can’t help but smile
Watching that 3 minute video of us kissing
It reminds me of our memories
The good times we shared together

And I don’t know if it’s just me being delusional
But I still smile when I think of you
Yes there were bad times
But it’s as if I’m always focusing on the bad
We had some very very good times too

We had fun
And it was easy
And I really loved you

But now I feel the tears forming in my eyes
I miss the possibility of what we could have been
I miss the way you’d hold me and put your arm around my shoulder in public
Unashamed if anyone was watching — even my friends and family
I miss the feeling of being yours
And I miss when we were good

My friend says it was 2 weeks worth of good
And although there is truth to that,
The rest of it wasn’t all bad

And I miss you.
I just miss you and the you who I started dating
Because we were good and happy and in love
And I don’t know what happened to that

We did have good memories, right?
I was willing to fight the world for you
To make you only happy
But somehow my love turned into annoyance
Why were you always so mad at me? So annoyed?

It’s as if we spent no good times together

And I look back at our photos and videos and see you smile
Why don’t you smile like that anymore when I’m around you?
I had to ask you to face me — ask you to look at me the last time we met up

How ironic that the place we started— when I first met you and drove to your house after I visited that secret gallery on Mother Iglecia, and when I met you again after the time we didn’t talk— after I found out you liked me and wanted to try dating me, and to the point in time where you told me you loved me in the backseat of my car and then eventually asked me to be your girlfriend— would be the place where we ended it all.

I just miss you okay? And the memories we made when we were happy together

I look back on our photos and videos and smile
Although we didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean I wasn’t happy
I was happy to meet you and be with you and to know you
But sometimes we are meant to take our own paths in our lives, one’s that meet at one point but never meet again

We intersect and it’s good,
Until that intersection starts disappearing and we start disconnecting

I look back on our photos and videos and smile
Knowing that the times weren’t all bad
To me, at least, we were happy
We were happy, weren’t we?

I still smile when I think of you
I am sad yes but I’m also happy with the memories we shared

How fulfilling that this prose was made a week after we officially parted ways
I tell myself I’m okay, I’m over it
But am I really?

I am still sad and I obviously miss you
But somehow, in spite of your absence, I am happy

The memories of us replay in my head like a music video, a kaleidoscope of memories, an album of the good times we shared
I do hope you think of me fondly still, despite our partition
Because I sure do and you know I don’t like it when my feelings aren’t reciprocated

I look back on our photos and videos and smile
I really did love you
I’m happy we met
I don’t know if it still applies now but hey,
I love you

(5/29/23; 12:02 AM)

I don’t know why I attach these to you
Somehow, it’s what you’re addicted to that sticks
The everlasting memory of you that enters my head
Whenever I pick up a vape

Menthol plus.

And somehow, I can’t write the same words as I did to the red user
Maybe it was truly because he was an ******* through and through
But I still believe that somewhere inside there is good in you

I don’t blame you, which is perplexing
My friends tell me to. Hell, they even call you a monster
But I defend you.
Somehow I end up taking the blame for something I am not at fault for

I don’t really know what to say, I just know I wanted to write
Maybe I’ll do some journaling, or my favorite, letter-writing
Even if I know you’ll never see the words I want to tell you

Menthol Plus.

Unlike the reds, I smoke this to remember you.
The reds were bad, and it’s a bad habit whenever I pick up a stick — but hey, look on the brighter side,
I stopped thinking of him every time I picked up a red.
I noticed it with a friend at a bar. I did not even have one thought about you.

But Menthol Plus?

I am a Menthol Extra user.
The plus has always been too harsh
But why do I find myself enjoying it more nowadays
I never willingly bought it before, only a replacement for the X to get through the day
But recently, I’ve been seeking plus out.

Maybe I miss you
And the way you kiss my lips
But as I operate, avoidance is the best coping
I somehow seem to forget everything.

Am I blocking my memory on purpose to avoid the thoughts of you?
Or have I really moved on?
Is that really all you meant to me?

But I’d like to think not.
I seek out menthol plus because I know it’s your favorite flavor
You don’t talk to me anymore, and again, because of my coping, I hardly remember a time wherein you did
Sure, literally the day before we fought the fight to bring the beginning of the end,
We were talking like “normal”

But what is normal when you weren’t even a constant figure in my life?
We talked everyday, yes, that’s a fact
But It didn’t feel like we were talking

It felt like days without a meaningful conversation
I don’t know
Maybe it’s just me being delusional or me thinking the worst and only focusing on the negatives
But no, I had been feeling this feeling of disconnection for a while.

We’d see each other, it would get better, but then the cycle would repeat.

I guess I’ve been searching for you for months now,
But now I can only find you in your favorite flavor.
If you won’t touch my lips any longer,
At least this pod will.
At least the memory of your taste will hit my lips again, even if it’s just a copy.
Because I guess this is better than nothing.

And honest to god, I miss the way you kiss me.
But we won’t get into that right now.

I’ve been missing you for months
A ghost of a person who wasn’t there
I miss my boyfriend — a sentence repeated over and over to my friends
And yes, again, we talked every day,
But I missed the person who I started dating.
I miss my boyfriend from when he became my boyfriend

I don’t understand why he got complacent or why he was always so annoyed at me,
But again, avoidance.
I’ve decided that it doesn’t matter anymore.
It was perfectly reasonable all the things I asked for

And here again I’m missing you
Inhaling the the toxin into my lungs
Letting it touch my lips
Hoping to taste you again
But this will merely function as a substitute until I can taste you again
— probably never
But for now, this will have to do.

You tell me you miss me, yet you do nothing
You tell me you like me, yet you do nothing
You wanna kiss me, you wanna hug me, you wanna **** me

But the truth of the matter is that you left me
Remember I wasn’t the one who decided to go
You left us
You left me

******* and the way that I hate myself
For the feelings that I felt when you left me

Honestly, ******* and the way that I'm mad at you
For all the reasons and the ******* and the lies you told me

I know, I know.
It's not your fault that you have **** going on

It’s my fault that I'm mad,
Trying to look for a reason to not hate you as much as I do.
Trying to combat the feelings of missing you

And you tell me sweet nothings whispered into my ear
For you to only turn your back when I'm not there

And you tell me these lies like sweet honey pie
Cavities fill my teeth from the sweet, sweet words
But I know you don't care that you hurt me

But really. It's myself that I hate
For feeling these things

You and I are okay,
but still, I'm hurting every single day.

Your reason is valid,
and for that, I'm sorry that I feel this way.

When you do an action enough
Your body naturally remembers it

My hands still remember the trace of your face
Moving to your lips, a soft outline

My eyes remember the way it felt to divert the attention you had so pleasantly given me

My mouth remembers the way I spoke your name
The laughs we shared together

And in a way, my tongue remembers yours
Learned ways on how to pleasure and love

My body remembers the way you touch it
Innocent touches brought to my face
Passionate touches went to a different place

Muscle memory shows us the past
Things we might’ve forgotten had it not caught after us
Your lasting touch still burns on me
It singes my memory

Until now my muscle memory bugs me about you
Oh how I would love to be touched again by you

Tonight I am writing my feelings instead of expressing them into words. I have no goal or purpose with this, I am writing what flows out of my mind. I am numb. The world moves around me and I lay here, stagnant. So many questions without any answers. Is there a god I can call to.

I place my trust in the universe, an entity on its own. Fate lies within its clutches—she is the only one to dictate what goes. It was fated you left, maybe you’ll come back, maybe someone else will show up. Everything that you did to me was fated from the start. The fist “I love you” to the last goodbye. I had so many things to tell you in the time you were gone, and suddenly I wasn’t able to tell you anymore—you left. No closure. The end. Goodbye to my first love, my sweet romance.

Maybe I will find you in the next person I talk to. Your lines and phrases make their way into the next persons vocabulary, sadly you’re in my mind. Maybe I find you in the way they lay next to me as we drift to sleep together—there will be no time you and I do that again. That’s what I miss the most.

I thought you were my person, my unequivocally perfect person, but my perfect person wouldn’t leave just like that, now would they.

Fate.
It was fate you left; this is and will be my only consolation

Angels are those 100 foot tall celestial beings with the thousand eyes and seven pairs of wings. They burn with celestial flame and run ichor through their bones. Demons on the other hand, even with the bad reputation, are far less frightening. They’re fallen angels, shouldn’t they still have all those attributes? Well, no. I don’t think so. Demons have adapted look more like humans. Sure if you stare too hard, too long, you’ll notice something for a spilt second, but most people dismiss that as a trick of the eye. Demons blend into the crowds, in the shadows, in the darkness in our hearts. They were made into less celestial beings, and they have every right to be angry. Thrown out of heaven like food for the dogs. They are retaliating. They’re disrupting God’s so called perfect creation. They are bringing chaos into this world. Humans don’t know this and think of it as a regular encounter, a passerby on the street, the barista at your local coffee shop, the fruit vendor tending to their goods. Demons are making it a normal enounter, so normal that we get comfortable and can’t tell the difference. It’s their job to do this. Soon enough we can’t tell the difference.

Demons look like humans, because really, aren’t we all just demons in disguise?

You may think that I’m going to be talking about the word and feeling “love”. I may or may not be. It really depends on you, the reader, to determine what this “love” is.

Love ******* hurts. Love is time consuming. Love is demanding. Love will require you to swim the depths of the ocean and cross the largest of deserts. Love will not make it easy. Love is the thing you fear the most. Be it the monster under your bed with the red beady eyes and the horribly yellow teeth, or the 1,000 foot drop from the sky, plummeting downwards as you feel your stomach drop. Love will leave you bleeding dry from the things you do just for love. Love will not even realize that you are doing those things for love.

But love will repay you. In ways you won’t understand. Love will be for you during the worst times. Love will listen to you and encourage you to be your best self. Love does not even realize that love is doing these things for you, love is just doing them.

Love will not realize the effect on you.

For me, it has always been me crossing the deserts, swimming the oceans, bleeding dry just to please love. When will it be love’s turn? Maybe today, tomorrow, or a time that I’m no longer here.

I think love has been repaying me every since I started loving love. Maybe love has a different way of expressing love. Maybe the love that love gives is sweet, pure, and just. Maybe I just need to open my eyes to see that love will not cross a desert for me because love is standing right there beside me. Love will not bleed me dry, for love is the one rushing though my veins. Love is not the monster, love is the light. Love is not the fear of the fall, love is the trust fall, knowing you’ll fall right back into love. Love does not realize what I do for love because love is too busy loving me.

And now, I am grateful enough to see it.