They finally told me you know.
About what you became.
It took them awhile.
Every time I asked about you they said you were well.
fine.
moved on.
hid it from me.
I wouldn't have the right reaction.

They said you drove to their house drunk.
Brought our daughter with you.
They watched her play
while you ****** some stranger.

Well.
She isn't mine anymore.
I was a stand in stepdad at best.
She isn't yours anymore either.
you Told me,
her, your mother
you wished she was gone.
That she was such a burden.
You wanted to be free.

Your mother was
nice enough to take her off your hands.
the whole time we were together you convinced me your mother was devil.
stealing your baby.
Convincing all you weren't enough to raise a child.
You never told me that when I left,
she'd be right.
That without me, you'd give up.
go back to the trailer life.
The drugs. alcohaul.
Empty whirlwind to try and feel something.
anything.

I wasn't happy when I found out.
You'd think that when you hear
your ex lovers life going down in smoke
you'd be exhilerated.
I'm not... I feel guilty.
For leaving you that way.
you weren't fit to love anyone alone
Not me, your daughter, yourself.
I don't want to see you blackout on pavement
cold, too drunk to drive home.
Throwing up for whole days after ******* strangers for drugs.

When I left you, you refused to drink.
Said, you had an addictive personailty
were avoiding it.

I want to imagine you getting better.
finding the right help...
learning how to raise a child the way that is your own,
but is also healthy, happy.
I gave you both so much time, love, care.
Driving you to the doctors,
her to the playground,
the whole family down to boston for vacation.

you chose this.
Drunk driving from Trip to allyway
Killing yourself on the same street you grew up on.

I wish I had adopted her when you begged me to.
Back when our puppy love blinded us so loudly all we saw was the sun.

You had me convinced I was controlling, jealous.

So I showed you exactlly what happens when I stopped trying to help.
Stopped caring that you were lying.
Gave you all the space you needed to
be free.

I was hoping on some level that I was wrong.
That I was controlling. jealous.
just a confused terrible person.
wishing that I was this monster blind guarded by distrust.
But here you are....
Gave up custody.
Picked up a million vices
working at mcdonalds.
I'm happy you feel free.

I'm happy I gave up trying to change you,
it was the healtiest thing i've ever done.

I've never had a regret before.
always owned my descisions.
Preached each and every terrible experence helped shape my charecter.

Until today.
I regret leaving you that little girl.

All the audio recordings of you hitting her, calling her a ****,
telling her she couldn't eat until she stopped crying
All the times I didn't step up and say you were wrong
because I “wasn't her real father”
it “wasn't my place to tell you how to parent”
You "didn't hit her that hard"
all I ever wanted was to raise her right.
To love her.
Give her something constant in her life.

I painted you on such a pedestal just because you gave life.
trapped myself in this hole I labeled love.

I wasn't happy when they told me you lost her.
That you were an alcohaulic.
had given up.

I just regreted ever telling you no.
no I can't adopt Soleil.
I can love her without paper.
No I would never take her away.
I have faith in you.
You'll be an amazing mother.
Just believe in yourself.

Maybe if you listened to me.
you'd still have her.
be alive.
Free.

Sometimes when I'm texting Kara
I lose faith in my own words
think it's a good idea to just keep pushing the suggested words button on my phone
Until it keeps repeating itself.

I enter a smiley Face
then let my phone, Lets call him Gary.
Let gary type his feelings out.

"Smiley face. **** sleep! I love you, you just don't need to make them hate you.
when you're done. I wouldn't recommend going home. You'll find that it's rather. . . . . . . ."

As you can imagine,
That did not help my case much.
in the context that this was 3am
she was angry.
And gary left a lot of explaining to do
Like who exactlly does she not need to make hate her?
Her homes rather what?
What the **** are you doing to Karas home Gary?

I'm not always texting Kara when I ride the suggested word generator to lazy random salvation though.

Sometimes I ask it for life advice.

I can just type it questions like
"why do i have toes?"
And it will come out with:
why do i have toes the same time as my grandma was dying and
I was losing my job so Tinder
has kind of been my way of escaping the darkness of my situation
my getting to meet new people and
having tons of awesome dates / adventures / and *** in my car
* glad you came - the wanted * During *** in my car
* glad you came - the wanted * During *** in my car
* glad you came - the wanted * During *** in my car.

And I can't help but assume that it's trying to tell me it understands me.
Or maybe that it's smarter than me.
And is predicting my future.
By warning about my past.

Sometimes friends ask Questions i haven't even answered for myself yet like:
how do I quit drinking coffee? or
how do i stop being an *******?
so I just go consult Gary.

How do you stop cheating on your girlfriend? I enter into garys think box

How do you stop cheating on your girlfriend?
I have a job for you. Men! Escort our guests.
the night pitch black
No moon in the sky.
few stars due to the city of the day?
What kind of music do you like?
what does your bedroom look like?
[ once you're confident in your hot button picture ]
And THAT'S really why you swiped right today, isn't it ( their name )?
[ Wait for response ] Right! So what days are you usually free?
[ Wait for response ] Right! So what days are you usually free?
[ Wait for response ] Right! So what days are you usually free?

I Think Gary just suggested that using tinder for men will stop the urge to cheat.
I have a strange feeling he gives bad advice.
Gary is in my head.
Gary is my head.
He is taking all of my own words
jumbling them all up
And spitting them back out at me

It's almost as if he were programed to do so.

Gary speaks for me when I lose faith in my own words.
Because i have faith in his ability to craft my old words into something laughable.
He does a good job.
I do a good job.
I have a job for you.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is I want to take a bite out of your soul like an apple.

want to leave a bite mark in who you are,
to give my antibodies to help fight infection,
build a scab over the tooth mark

want to regrow
slightly darker scar tissue over the bite mark I left there.

Leaving a little island on the orb.

I guess what I'm saying is
I want to mechanically be a part of you

want to digest who you are to help fight diseases in my body.

wanna take you like a vitamin  
wake up every morning to take my daily dose

like a nice clean bite out of an Apple.
Wispy Orb of you. your essence

then stick it right back in your chest.
with a tiny little tooth mark indent left by my bite.
ready to heal where I left it.

I want you to take a bite right outta my soul too,
want the nutrients of who we are to coarse through our bodies
repair the bite marks.
leave scars on us.

Dark little landmarks so we never forget the bite.
we both love kissing scars
so much that why wouldn't we want our own personal landmarks

i guess what I'm saying is, I'm allergic to apples.
but i'm not allergic to people.
If I run out of allergy pills and vitamins
I might as well get my daily dose of happiness.
i'll be ****** if you aren't my prescribed dose of happiness
no doctor handed me papers or charged me a fee
i don't have an insurance plan to help me pay for you.
but at least I can't run out
so i don't need to worry about faxing my doctor to renew my pharmacy pickup

I guess what I'm trying to say is
if my personality was an apple I would be allergic too it, but I'd let you take a bite.

I guess what I'm trying to say is:
I already have a scar for you, and you already kiss it.

I want you to know that you are precious to me.

Not precious like some rare stone around a ring finger or
a sentimental gift.

precious like a photograph of a child in your wallet.
precious like a young girl finding kitten wearing red ribbon under her Christmas tree.
precious like a young girl holding cardboard box kitten.
precious like a mother Glowing. singing to her belly
precious like a mother holding a cardboard box.
precious like ashes on a fireplace.
precious like a photograph in a wallet.

see, when I met you.
we had no idea how long we'd love each other.
we didn't question we did.

when you said you were leaving.
I Asked, "do you have a bucket list?"

What's next?
We did everything on it.
Went skinny dipping,
Climbed a rooftop
Went to a seafood restaurant
Because, you hadn't yet.

Then the day before you left you said:
"I love you"
quiet.
underneath your breath, so I wouldn't notice.

"what was that?"
I would ****.
You'd turn 50 shades of red.

"You've sure been sending a lot of hearts through text lately.
did you say you love me?"

You nodded, but never spoke up.

I kissed you.
"I love you too."

You didn't say it again for awhile, but,
I did.
So many times that I lost track
then every once in awhile
1,595 Miles away.
you'd send me a facebook message
you were wearing my cologne, you missed me, you loved me.

I would glow brighter than the moon each time.

Now you're coming back.
In just one week I get to hold you again.
kiss you again.
like a photograph jumping out of it's film to breath.
You are so precious to me.
Just thinking about touching your hand.
looking you in the eyes to hear you say any words to me.
Listen to your dreams, Build us a living room, and Make them happen!
because every precious thing happens there.
A fireplace, a Christmas tree, a carpet covered in pointy children's toys.
Your clumsy body and my clumsy body, interlocking fingers watching pointless Television.

Because we can.
Because you're home.

In my family.
We never lock the bathroom door.
we are not prudish,
we acknowledge that if we're taking a shower
someone might need to ****.

"If I keel over and die in there I want you to be able to find me
Not have to hire a godamned locksmith.
By the time he shows up
I'll have stunk up the place
Even worse than this ****,
And you'll have a hell of a time washing that out of the carpet"

For some reason, This confuses guests.

I'll never forget the day I was cooking scrambled eggs.
My date opened up the bathroom door.

in all her glory my 62 year old bapbap smiled at her from the toilet
"hey sweety, whatcha need?"

One of them was red and screaming
And it wasn't my Bapbap.

Last week I was taking a shower when I heard the phone go off behind my loud music.

My grandpa busts through the door with phone in Hand.
"Nicholas!"
Yes papa? I respond orderlly.
jumping naked quick out the shower
Assuming he was in pain.
Or needed medical attention.

Tell me what she's sayin'
he holds a phone out to me.
he's mildly frustrated, but healthy.
my wet hand takes on the phone.
She mumbles on the other end underneath my music.
"Huh?" I say.
Fumble for my spotify to turn my music off.
"sorry I couldn't hear you over my music. I'm in the shower."
"oh I'm sorry sir, We're moving dons appointment to this Tuesday. Is that okay?"
"They wanna move your appointment to tuesday. You okay with that?"
"oh jesus, christ. yeah that's okay."
Papa was not in need of any medical attention.
But now that my heart was beating a hundred miles a minute
I thought perhaps
I would soon
So when papa hobbled out,
I left the door unlocked.

I once sold a hair straightener to a woman going through keemo

I once sold a a weight loss supplement to a girl struggling with anoerexia.

I once sold female libido enhancers to a forty year old man.

Sold a car to a Parapalegic

Sold a telephone to a deff woman.

I once sold a child an imaginary friend.
And a Vaccuum for their sandbox.

I once sold a soul to a telemarketing company.

They paid me in biweekly installments.
And they got a hell of a deal.

Imagine having as many hearts as you have hands.

Imagine one Doesn't Belong to you.

Imagine how easy it is to juggle two things

Imagine how hard it is to juggle three things.

Imagine catching three hearts

Imagine dropping one

Imagine picking it back up.

Imagine juggling four hearts.

Imagine being so talented you can catch two in each hand.

One day.

Imagine the one heart
covered in bruises.

Always dropped.
Always picked back up.

Imagine it doesn't belong to you