I am falling
     Nervous
      Anxious
        Scared
          Happy


Who knew the human body could feel all characteristics at once?
I want to tell you.
Soon.

-My emotions

Sometimes you have to fall apart.
Sometimes people leave your life.



Sometimes, this happens so you can learn to love yourself
              Again.

I made you a playlist that you never listened to.
Now, I write words you will never read.
Funny how life works out that way.
Thrown away words that never reach the one I want.

He asked me if I was going to write poems about him.





I told him that I don’t have any other choice.

I put on a fake smile at work,
because I don't want to admit to my friends that I am truly
having the worst time getting over you.

I know if I talk about it, water will spill from eyes like rain
and I am so dehydrated that I am not sure my body can
handle any more loss of liquid.

I fell apart when you told me you couldn't do "this" anymore.
It was so silent, you could've heard a pin drop.
How can you go from being so ecstatic to a crumbling mess in a matter of seconds?

I promised myself I was done writing about you,
but as the tears spill, so does the ink.
As long as I keep crying, the words will keep coming.






Heartbreak is the worst pain, I have ever endured.

I miss having you in my front seat.
I miss you the most when I can't seem to fall asleep (every night).
I miss your honesty.

You were a ritual in my every day life.
You felt like home.
I gave you the key to my soul.
You opened me up and etched yourself in a part of my brain
that I can't erase.

I type texts that I delete.
I hold back feelings.
Now our conversations are limited to-Hi, how are you?
Instead of the dark galaxies and intricacies that we spoke of before.

What happened?
What changed?
Did I push too far?
All questions that ramble in my heart and brain like a bad fog.

I wonder if I cross your mind.
Maybe, you just need time.
I'll be here if you're ever ready.
I'll move across oceans just to feel your skin.

You are something special to me.
I just can't get you off my skin.
I wish I could be a painting on your wall.
Forever hanging, wishing to be noticed.

Animal-like *** at 6 am.
Cold blue light hugs his skin.
Bottom lip grazes his shoulder.
Dry throat coated with saliva.
Hot breath on my neck.
Nail marks on his back.
My new name is passion.

It was the very first date I had been on since my divorce.
If I am being honest, this first date happened while I still lived with my ex and we were not yet divorced.
I made sure to really try and put myself together for once.
I got my hair done, wore high-heels, low-cut shirt, my tightest skinny jeans.
I got to your house too early because my ******* GPS said it would take an hour when it only took 30 minutes.
I hug you and the smell of you makes me feel like home, which is both exhilarating and odd in the weirdest sense.
I brought you your favorite candy because I am a ******* psychopath who cares too much.
You smile and thank me.
You hop in the shower and I sit in your room, admiring all of your collections, your well-made bed.
Your room smells of *** and cologne and it makes me want to crawl in your bed and sleep for days.

Once you’re done, you take me to dinner. We order food we both end up hating but laugh because we are both too friendly to tell the waitress it tastes like ****.
You ******* drink, I taste yours.
You talk all night and even though that would normally bother me, you exude a confidence and sexuality that I have never encountered.
I’ve never slept with someone on the first date before and all I can think about is your smile and that if you ask me to go home with you, I will say yes.
You take me to the water and we sit on a bench for hours just talking and laughing.
It’s cold and I am shivering but all I want to do is kiss your sweet mouth.
It’s 3 am and you stand up.
I shudder.
I have been kissing the same man for so long that I am not sure I will know how to handle what happens next.
You hold your hands out and pull me up and I almost fall because I am wearing heels and my legs are frozen.
You pull me close and grab my face.
That kiss.
Your mouth was hot and your hands were cold and in the moment you kissed me, I immediately forgot about all the pain I had been in previously.
We walk back to your car and you take me to your house. On the front porch, I smoke a cigarette, while you smoke a blunt. I grab your shirt and pull you in to kiss me. Everything feels right. Everything feels safe. We go inside, and my knees shake. You lay on the bed and you look exhausted-not to mention that you have work in 5 hours. I tell you that I have to leave and you ask me if I want to stay.

I hear a song and it takes me back
Back to a time when I was young
I didn’t realize it, but I was so free back then
I didn’t care about what people thought
The smoke in my lungs and the wind in my hair
Cruising down the interstate
I was young, wild and free!

I want to spill all of my thoughts that have been locked away into my head for days. Truth be told, I have been afraid to write about you for a few days because sometimes, it hurts too much and I feel that if I don't write about you, then I will get over it. I'm slowly learning:


                                THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS

I hate you so much. I love you like I will never love another man. I hate how you took the time to get to know me if you knew that you would always say good-bye.  I love how you watched TV and held my hand. I hate how stubborn you were. I love how your skinny jeans and boots looked on you. I love how you lit your cigarette and smoked too fast. I love how you entered my life and I love how you left it. You'll always be welcome back, because I am weak for you.

Today I saw a poll that said Florida is the worst ranked state to visit.
I laughed and then got filled with immense sadness.
You always hated it here and you loved to make fun of me for loving this state so much.
I took a screenshot and thought for hours about sending it to you.
I knew it would make you smile.
But, I didn't.
I guess some things are better left unsaid, truly.
I hope whenever you come here, you think of the little slice of heaven we once had in Florida.
I hope you think about holding hands in the hotel parking lot.
I hope you think about the five minutes we spent in the woods, before the bugs ate us.
I hope you think about how I ordered pizza and we sat in our underwear watching baseball.
I hope you think of my head on your chest and you asking me if I was falling asleep.
I hope you think of our goodbye and how you kissed me.

Love always seems to find you when you're least expecting it.
I met a boy and he makes me feel so beautiful.
I am not afraid to be around him without makeup on, and that means somethin'.

I remember the night he said he was done.
My feet felt like ice on the pavement.
I could see my breath in the night sky.
I knew it was coming.
He had been small talking me for days.
Funny how men act so tough until they have to tell someone they are moving on.
“I deleted all of your photos...” he said. “Everything is gone off of my phone”
How does one move on so fast?
At this point, I wasn’t even listening.
I had opened my heart.
The vulnerability was unleashed like a fire hydrant and I couldn’t find the willpower to stop it from completely destroying my self worth.
I don’t blame you.
I wasn’t ready to be loved.

Every night I look up at the stars.
Oh, how I wish I was up there in the galaxy with them!
They cover my soul like a blanket and when I see them dancing, I don’t feel so alone.
I come alive in the nighttime.
Sometimes I wish on a star that you loved me. Sometimes I call myself stupid for wishing that.
The stars cry for me and I really don’t want them to.
I don’t want to be a burden upon them but they listen and gleam from light years away.
Sometimes I wonder if you’re looking up at the night sky, wishing for me.  
Sometimes I call myself stupid for wondering that.
Love can drive you crazy.
Someone leaving you can drive you crazy.
Instead of telling you how I feel, I will continue to vent to the stars.

Sometimes I feel as if no one will understand me.

Milk
Salad
Tomatoes
Bananas
Ground beef
Carrots
Cereal
Pop tarts
Yogurt
Fruit on sale
A new heart

My best guy friend is getting a divorce.
Today he asked me if it’s normal to be happy and sad at the same time.
I felt a choke in my throat, my stomach sink.
What is happy?
Happy is my ******.
Everyday I am in search of happiness, that disappears into a vapor cloud when I try to embrace it.
Maybe I am always sad with a hint of happy.
I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy.
I have spurts every now and then,
When anxiety and doubt decides to take a break and give my mind a rest.
Death scares me and I think about it often.
How it will happen.
How my old skin will hang and I will no longer recognize my self in the mirror.
Losing my parents.
Saying goodbye to my cat.
How can anyone be happy when impending doom is right around the corner.

How does it feel
To never really know the real you?
Looking in the mirror
Without any sort of recognition
Blank stares and soulless eyes
Who have you become?
You look right through me
As if I am only a speck of dust
Floating down to the ground
While you have found yourself
Through other people
I have lost myself
To the one I thought loved me the most
It’s a tragic love story
Of boy meets girl

I know they say you can't escape your problems.
This city is a world of hurt for me.
I got divorced here.
I began to fall in love again after that, and got hurt...again.

I want this place in my rear view.
I don't want to see **** that reminds me of you anymore.
I want a new beginning.
I don't care what "they" say.


I want out.

The way he makes my heart beat, I just can't describe it. I met him at a time of feeling lost and uncertain. He makes me feel like home. He is everything I could ever want in another human being. The way he touches me. The way he listens to me. The way he puts me in my place.

My horoscope says if I don't pursue this, I'll always wonder what if? And I would rather go into this full force and get hurt then sit at home and be like, ****. What if?

I’ll never waste another wish on a shooting star or 11:11 for you
Ever
Again.

Saw that your band was in Florida this past weekend.

I hope the sweat plagued you.
I hope the bugs charged towards you.
I hope the sun beamed extra ******* your skin.
I hope you have to come back again and again.


I’m not bitter, just hoping you get what you deserve.

I remember how quiet the mornings were when you left. I would sit until the nights turned into days because the thought of closing my eyes in the dark terrified me. I longed for a body to be next to me in bed. What if I woke up from a nightmare and no one was there to comfort me? I used to go to the gas station because the employees were so friendly and they smiled at me. One night I was drunk. My face was done up. I wanted cigarettes and got in the car to drive. You threatened to call the police on me. So I started to walk. I didn’t have shoes on and the grass felt wet and cold on my feet. I wished that someone would just stop and give me a hug. I just wanted one person to show that they cared. You pulled up in my car and brought me to that same gas station. I bought cigarettes. You told me that smoking would **** me and I told you that it’s not happening soon enough. Who were you? You were not the same man I once knew. You disgusted me.

He kisses me.
Our alcohol mouths intertwined.
Our cigarettes long burned, with ash trailing as long as the city lights that you walk me home under.
I open my eyes, and he isn’t you.
Will my whole life consist of kissing complete strangers so I can find you again?

He pulls me in close and holds me.
If only he knew, that’s all I want.
I have this longing to be held.
By anyone, really.
I don’t want them to talk.
I don’t want them to look me in the eyes.
Because I’ll cry and I don’t want to cry.
Just keep holding me.
Please.
I know he will never be you, but in this moment, with my head buried on his chest, I can pretend.

He told me that I have this bizarre way of making himself feel ******* insane, in the head, and in the heart.

How do you think that makes me feel?


I am circling the drain.

I will continue to search for you.
In every glance.
In every passing stare.
In every hand hold and hug.
Every lingering kiss.

****, man.

I hate picking myself back up off the floor. I’m getting so good at it and truth be told, that scares the **** out of me.

I wanted it to be you.

But. What can you do? You can’t curse the universe. I hope you still think of me. Because you’re on my mind right before bed and right when I wake up.

Can someone tell me when that ends? I need a guide to tell me when the **** my heart stops hurting and when my head decides to stop thinking about you.

I’m in this odd limbo of wanting someone and not wanting someone. I can’t quite explain it. I’m just afraid that I’ll get so good at being alone, I won’t ever want anyone in my life.

You were not settling to me. You get me. Well, you got me. That’s gone now. Now, we are awkward and jagged puzzle pieces trying to make a whole picture on a cracked wooden table and we will never fit together. Not like I want it to.

I have this bad habit of trying to change people’s minds about me. Is it me? Maybe I’m the odd one out. All I know is, when I met you, I smiled at the sun. Life here didn’t seem so bad. I smiled at random people passing by. I enjoyed love songs. Now, I ******* hate everything all over again and there is

No
One
To
Blame
But




Me.

Your music is still as dark as your soul.
You stand up on the passenger seat to play guitar in your new video
                                and
It makes me remember the time you begged me not to tell anyone about our conversations.
You deleted me out of your life.
I made you hate Florida.



Well..


Joke's on you because...



You have a tour stop in Jacksonville.

Enjoy Florida, you *****.

I miss the late night conversations
in which we would drive each other wild.
Planning trips we would never take.
Talking about the future, like we ever had one.
I believed we did.

I didn't care about the things you didn't love about yourself.
I liked you just the way you were.
I would never try to change you.
But that wasn't enough.

I tried to heal you, but I couldn't, you have to do that on your own.
I wish you could see what I see in you.
The way your clothes fit your body.
The way your hair moves in the atmosphere.

You're kind. You're caring. You're loving. You're passionate.
You're determined. You're motivated.
I want you to see it for yourself.

Maybe one day when you put the pieces back together,
and the bad times, don't seem so bad,
you'll think of me and reach out.

Please do. Because I would love to love you in all the ways you couldn't.

Home.

One day, I'll be coming home.

Isn’t it funny how odd we can be?
As humans, we want to close our souls
like curtains on a window.
Only to show our true selves
in the hollows of the night
enclosed in our safety net.

Isn’t it funny how people will walk away?
Because they say you are too much
and you believe them.
You build this brick wall of defense
trying not to crack a smile
Because you rather someone love you
Than not at all.

You are a beautiful star
glowing in the ever-infinite galaxy.
Let your light shine, my sweet girl
because how dare someone love you
For only the normal parts.

You are a unique snowflake
Dance in the afterglow.

Maybe I am meant to wander this planet aimlessly, alone. Unguided. Scared. Nervous.

-guide me home

A real man ***** you awake; before you’ve even had a chance to stop dreaming about him.

I'm attracted to men who tend to have a ***** or two loose.
There is something about a broken mirror that drives me wild.
I'm tired of the old boring routine.
I'm up for a little adventure.

Corner me in an elevator and push your body against me.
Wake me up at 2 am and take me to a rooftop.
Whisper your darkest desires into my ear.
Rub my leg at dinner and let me know what I'm in for.

Push me in the backseat and pull me on top.
Just make-out with me like two teenagers in high school.
Tell me how you need it.
Let me touch your body.

Tell me I'm the one you've been waiting for your whole life.
Tell me you can't concentrate at work because you're thinking of me.
Tell me what you're going to do to me.
Make me beg for it.
Tell me I'm that somebody.


-you know I don't trust nobody

I bleed dry for his happiness.
He dances on my weakness.
I’m forever stained.
Anger outbreaks and bruised thighs
I don’t know him when I look into his eyes.
I want to run and be alone.
I’m good at racing the other way
When things go array
I want to stray
And
Disappear.

You're not the bad guy that my friends make you out to be.
They don't know the whole story and I don't want them to.
There is something special about keeping our story private.
It's like our little secret.
It's the only thing I have left of you and I want to hold it and hide it away deep in my heart, where only I can visit.

You always told me that one day I would find a boyfriend in Florida.
It's funny to reminisce and see how you always had one foot out of the door and silly me, I just couldn't see it. I thought when you said that, you wanted me to beg for you and tell you that you were the only one I wanted. Well guess what? I have found someone who lives under the sweet hot sun of Florida, and he fulfills me more than you ever did.

Frustration arises as I struggle to find the tax office downtown.
I turn a corner and stop dead in my tracks.
Right in front of my face is the first place I met you.
I turn cold.
My stare glazes.
I hit the gas and speed right for the bridge.
The bridge keeps me safe and holds me up
while I'm breaking down inside of my car.





-this town is full of heartbreak for me

I just feel so sad. I'm sitting in my car cryin after work. It's storming. He wants to come up to Jacksonville and I want to say yes. But I know it's wrong. I just want the comfort of having someone near me to touch me. I feel so alone. I miss my family but I don't want to talk to them because I just feel like a disappointment. I heard some ******* the phone tell the other person she loves them. I just want to be ok. I want to feel ok. I want to stop crying. I want to feel normal. I don't want to be tired. I don't know when I'm supposed to be done healing.

Today I had a panic attack.
I wanted to pick up the phone and call you.
                 But I didn’t.


                             I can’t open up to you anymore.




-friends

We were walking under the night sky
Unfamiliar roads boggled my mind
I tried to keep my cool
You told me that you couldn't protect me if someone jumped out of the bushes
I wondered what kind of man you were after you said that

The kind who ran when times got tough
The kind who wouldn't speak up if he got the wrong coffee
The kind who wouldn't talk about his feelings

The deeper I got into your brain
The more I realized that you weren't healed
I got lost in your music and tried to find your soul behind the riffs
But you were nowhere to be found
I got tired of searching

He is someone I could spend the rest of my life with.


I watch him walk away and think...


....that’s my future husband