i am different now
from the fleeting words you didn’t mean
I muse at the fact that I changed my entire self for you because you dug into my brain and tugged at the parts I hate
you clawed your way through my nervous system and playfully stitched back the wires after you got the reaction
The way you grasped my body after shattering its purpose,
my mind frozen from bareness as I grabbed the blanket
You didn’t force yourself onto me,
But we both know you would never have to

    
      i am different now

they all move on, down these halls they walk
While I’m stuck in this room, staring at the walls
glued go this bed, I wish could be more
I know life is expensive, I’ve heard it from every angle, wishing I could live up to the standards
I just wish they could understand:
I’ve been dying the entire year

I find myself breathing through others,
living a life that never was

the internal *****, from the words you say
to the way you don't ever seem to think my way
great minds think alike until we disagree
......
The crisis of yearning, for a body with an empty mind,
I have found myself loving a man who is not worth my time
......
I feel myself separating,
two at a time,
blooming while withering away.

we can look past his lies,
but not the ugly truth?

cry alone,
for no one understands the tears that make their flowers grow

i crave for the days where I saw you in a different light,
these stained glass moments,
creating delicate pillars in my life  
i miss you is an understatement,
but I love you is too strong
this grey zone which i have always avoided,
because of my fear of the unknown
is now the only place I can call home

It was easy for you to say I love you
Almost as easy as it was for you to leave
Maybe I should of tried harder
Or maybe played hard to get
I always played sad music just to cry a little
When the words you said hurt
Because you had numbed me to the point where pain somehow felt good
It’s always been easy for them to leave me
Walking away like they never needed me
I thought you understood
Maybe I’m the toxic one,
Or just the one that got away
All I know is maybe I need to be the one to leave
Instead of wishing they had stayed

I remembered how to handle your moods
When you didn’t remember my middle name

it doesn’t hurt that you left,
It hurts that you did it in the name of love

I’ve scuffled with wanting greatness,
A grip that’s held onto me tight
Squeezing the life out til I’m just tired
Weak and stressed
Wanting everything to be just alright

a lesson you will learn,
before your life comes to an end
is that the grave is dug the deepest,
For the ones putting you in

The future is haunted,  
By what it can’t remember-
For the past is its only contender

This mundane heart, where my soul now lays
In the childhood bedroom where I used to play,
Hidden memories washed up by the past,
Trying to remember what I worked so hard to forget:
The illicit realization that my childhood has been auctioned off at lowest bid

the crescent brown that rests in his blue eyes,
holds a special kind of light;
This knowledge he holds,
from the struggles he has overcome,
he sees all the darkness the light has to offer,
The possibility that love can cut you open,
yet sees the good every time
those blue eyes have a darkness, specks,
you can hardly notice
only if you are able to look close enough;
The brown around your iris,
I will always admire,
Always and forever proud to call you mine

there we were at 5am,
was that the sun or the stars in our heads?

love is a strange thing,
It seems to always be defined
by the things we do
and the words we don’t say

the same we all are,
underneath the shallow surface
this knife will ****,
anything with a purpose.

Like double exposure film,
I flipped through these photos of my life
Mirrored images of the same person
Minutes apart
in three years time

Begging the tears to wash away the shame
the grappling of his touch has always seemed to bring
This picture book is full of unspeakable words
one I can never really to tell
Currently wrecking this connection I have desperately tried to build

Meanwhile when it’s dark and alone I lay
The features of his face play puppet shadow games
And ironically enough, while the darkness makes me weary, because that’s when he’s always with me
I just wish he had turned off the lights

Wrong place, wrong time,
It didn’t matter what he meant
These words were written in stone,
Before they ever were said.

Would you care if I left and not just for the day
I feel myself slipping,
slipping away.

“You’re in line.”

I fall asleep on the suicide hotline

I wrote every last word that had settled onto my mind,
listened to every podcast with the word “depression” in its title,
“These thoughts cannot haunt me”
I whispered dauntingly into my pillow.

through the pain I had self inflicted,
to the trauma I have always written
at the end of the day,
the only person left standing was in the mirror

It hurts we were so close,
but got caught on the what ifs.
What hurts the most though,
is we were so ******* in each other arms
We forgot to break our fall

I’m so used to being burned
Your cold shoulder made me feel loved.

Things will be different,

  Once I change.

Clouded vision by these things that haunt me,
Still waking up from yesterday’s fog
While stressing over tomorrows possibilities.