We joke sometimes
about falling in love,
we talk in deep detail
about our romance;
the kind of house we want,
the name of the family dog,
would we rather have boys or girls,
and we argue over who will stay home
to raise the kids, I always let you win.

We joke sometimes
about growing old together;
we talk about thinning hair,
wrinkling skin, tired eyes
and energized grand kids.
We promise to one another
that we will stay in love,
still hold hands, hug each other tightly
and kiss both daily and nightly

We joke sometimes
about a life we could be living
and I just want you to know
that I am not always kidding.

i'm not pushing the shift key
because there's nothing left to capitalize
tantalizing thrones of angry kings
their names synonymous with imperialize

i hate you, and you hate me
one of us is lying, and i won't admit it's me
'cause you're everything i wanted
but you're nothing that I need

hollowed bones and quiet whispers
fill what's left of this tired skin
lonely lovers with lost lives stand in line
and await their goodbyes

so as i smash the space key and i silently brood
i hate the way your eyes flicker, the way you say my name
you claim that nothing is wrong between us
but your expression remains the same

i'm not afraid to tell you i hate you,
i'm afraid of what will proceed
the tyrannizing looks of saints and sinners
all believing i have, indeed, gone insane

i struggle
thinking about the difference between reality and what i've made up in my head
sometimes i get confused about whether I'm real or...
- the obvious word choice is dead right?
but **** that because i'm not.

i'm so alive i can feel my heart beating all the time
i can hear my blood gushing through me
this isn't some 20 year old shyster declaring death
this is a tirade against every black cell in my glowing body.

i don't want to feel nothing
but i don't want to feel this:

a hopeless sense of nothing where you can't attach to anything
a feeling that you have so much to say but you can't get the words out
and you have no one to tell
a holding back of tears all day long until dark when suddenly
you feel ok again
but you have a sense of dread, because you know that it will be back tomorrow.
i wrote a ****** poem about the night for my english class and my teacher looked concerned
i told her it was a joke
because why the **** would i tell her anything else

every word i've ever written anywhere i want to erase
every single thing i've said i'm wincing at in embarrassment
if i could eat words i'd be fat, gorging on the humiliation that found its home in my vowels syllables nouns adjectives verbs and mutterings

i feel quite sick at the thought that it's only 13:51 and i have a whole life to lead.

I claim to have empathy
But I also know I'm lacking.
I chuckled when you said
You'd marry him
You're in high school, sweetie
And when it didn't work out
I wasn't at all surprised.
When you ******* about your life
My mind was on mine
When you made every small problem
Bigger than it needed to be
My thoughts immediately said
"It could've been worse"
But my mouth didn't dare.
And then you have the gaul to tell me
That I'm being pessimistic and whiney
After all the times I bit my tongue
In front of you?
Sorry honey,
But I can falsify empathy for you.
If it's sympathy you want
Go look elsewhere.