but you were not there
when everything was falling down

so dont tell me
that you wont ever leave

because i once believed in your words
but it led me to something treacherous

#life   #mistrust  
A Thomas Hawkins
A Thomas Hawkins
Jul 16, 2010

No arguments were made
or evidence exposed
convincing bad assumptions
turned the open sign to closed

If that is all it takes
baseless suspicion, fear and doubt
perhaps thats the sign you're looking for
the one that lets you out

There's been no misinformation
no vagueness and no lies
but every now and then
I see doubt creep in your eyes

I can't help you solve this issue
only you choose who to trust
but there's no relationship without it
you can't get by on lust.

As for me well I trust everyone
until they show me I should not
better that than throw it all away
over something soon forgot

It really doesn't matter
what she says,
most of it is bullshit
She learned it
early on,
when she vowed
never to trust again.
And in that process,
creating broken hearts
became a habit
she thrived on.
She will never change
& they will never be the same.

The muck I made
        stuck to me boots
water and soil, I grow roots,
enough to stay put in one place,
look me in the eye, and stare me in the face,
dare to go where your dare takes you, a disgrace,
the lies,
the gossip,
takes hyssop,
                          to cleanse this vessel soiled,
                                          by those who toil,
with evil in their hearts,
sparks that start,
let them believe they are actually alive,
it is sad,
it is me that has to break it to them,
it is they who have died to the truth,
it is the circle they surround themselves
that has drowned them
it is the honest life that has left them behind;
                                            bereft without hope...
they will fall away,
they have gone astray,
from what it is to be human.
Drama drama everywhere, only salty tears to drink.
Don't treat me like the animal, you have become.
It is a misadventure.

Don't ask, don't...for J
Olivia Anderson

Its a smell:
you reek,
like the cheap beer you drink.

Its a feeling
I get when
you walk into a room:

Its a face
to the problem
caused by all the
problems before it:

A mix of current issues (Women Rights) with a dash of personal history.
#trust   #alcohol   #empty   #gender   #party   #equality   #beer   #room   #mistrust   #womenrights  

Before the sun peaks through the sky
Lighting all the things I wish to hide
Before the early birds rise
There is a tranquility
The silence is eerie
Calmness settles over me
I find peace and acceptance
Within my incongruity

The uproar in my mind
Is temporary replaced with feelings so sublime
I feel my body glide
Levitate to meet the sunrise
I have no need for explanations
or external reassurance
When kindness lies within my own eyes

Walking down the dirt roads of this ghost town
I think of the rarity of this complacency
My eyes are no longer crusted shut
I feel no need to reflect or recollect
I merely observe the beauty
Enjoy the present unfold before me
And wish for the apocalypse to come
To make this absence of human activity a permanent reality

I cherish the foiling of connectedness and singularity
Alone but always together
The wildlife waking in the cheatgrass
soothes me into serenity
reassuring me that the sounds of consciousness
will not affect this new-found levity
I come to accept the ticking of time
And I radiate optimism and readiness for the day

I wait for the bus with patience in place of anticipation
I love driving through town
relying on others to get around
As long as I am not the one in control
I am comfortable being lost and directionless
I enjoy the distraction of the passing landscape
It seems too immense to be
a manifestation of my imagination
The way it removes me from my sad body
Into something much more than me
The beauty of the world is limitless
It envelopes me
Sending me to equivocal destinations

I feel this weightlessness become a headache
And soon I come back into my body
And into the thoughts and obligations I try to avoid
Fearing that this moment of happiness
Is slipping from my reality
I try to find some peace of mind
but I have no motivation to fight for an illusion
I return to my old darkness
Avoiding the light and the images it shows

With no basis for its existence
I begin to see all displays of optimism
as noxious naivety
promising but never quite what it seems
when it comes to me
It's always superfical and fleeting
Like the affection of my mistress
It is devoid of any true meaning

Ask me once again.
Maybe the answer will be different.
Maybe I've grown tired of confirmation.
Maybe I've tried too hard for too long.
Proving a truth that won't be believed.
I fear for a future where all there is
is your constant questions.
And I am lost in constant answers.
Is that a hope worth saving?
You are a soul who is waiting
for a reason to point and shout
that you knew it all along.
Maybe you like to wallow.
Maybe it'll make a good EP.
Maybe I'm just a stepping stone
in your melancholic alcoholism.
I could be just a bottle
held to feel empty
drained of sparkling juice
and then filled up with doubt piss
to sprinkle amongst familiar crowds
or the saddest "I told you so."
Maybe I'm thicker than that.
Maybe you've spread yourself too thin.
Maybe I'm ready to let go
of your minimal digital sins.
I tell my self this one thing
over and over,
and hold the repetition hostage.
Like I do your constant questions.
"forgiveness is
don't suppress.
just forget.
let go of all regrets.
yours and his.
even if you are the only one
who is asked again.
you are the hope worth saving.
nothing more.
nothing less."
So ask me once again,
maybe the answer won't be given.

To mistrust is an exchange
Only mistrust learned from you.
Erick Pratt

This, I need not,
The pain that you have given me.
This, I want not,
This lie of love you told me.
Hate, I feel not,
Only mistrust learned from you.
Pain, wretched and hot,
Burns deeper than love for you.
Lies, like worms in rot,
Destroy what I once felt.
Fate, with you is not,
That is how the cards were dealt.

#love   #trust   #hatred   #hate   #pain   #end   #loss   #lost   #mistrust  
eyes meet unexpected. In confusion and mistrust you look away. As your eyes turn back d

Our eyes meet unexpected. In confusion and mistrust you look away. As your eyes turn back down you hit your hand in your papers. A sigh of irritation finds it way out of your mouth. I've got nothing left to say, so I turn around and leave. That moment is where I realize that everything is said and done.

Written: June 19. - 2014

I guess I'm just not the type of girl you'd write pretty love songs about.
It's much easier to write about how I'm a strong wind of fabricated concern in your mind,
rather than your golden girl.
How I enchant everyone but you.
How I must do it on purpose,
Because I love the attention.
I love the applause.
I love the lust and your love lost.
But if you read just one chapter of my own book of songs,
You'd see crayon writing that led to you all along,
outlining your salmon voice,
and your coffee eyes,
the kissing of your peachy skin,
my feelings you compromised.
But you needn't sneak to see,
I wish to be a silver spirit
that lives in your sight alone.
I worship you when I'm not on defense.
When you're not on the fence,
Walking tightrope, with me in your right palm,
while desires, goals and worries, doubts and fears,
and your book of scarlet nightmares are all in your left.
Teeter off and lose your footing.
You know I'll hit the ground first.
Soften the fall for you and your words.
Write on free faller.
Let's call it all off.
You pretend to be grey and modest.
You must do it on purpose,
because you know
I hate losing your attention,
I hate your forgotten applause,
I hate my lust for you
and here, your love is lost.
But even now that my stare is fixed
on you and your book
You still won't turn to look
because you don't believe in me
and you don't believe in ghosts.

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