In the end
The maybes never matter

My mind isn't black
More of a dark blue
Like a bruise
Just beginning to heal

The way I breathe
Not at all
And then all at once
Is painfully inconsistent

How you assumed
I was okay
Could not have been further
From the truth

I slipped so quickly
Into that dark place
But it's all in my head
Someone please let me out

I wish I could live in the same house as those who didn't call their abuse love.

I wish that I could live in my own house
Where my brother's and sisters live
Where my birth giver and male parental unit call home

A few things stand in my way
The emotional disconnection gives a slight separation
The abusive love and controlling tongues play a part
The creepy old man who touches me in ways no one should

That.

Definitely is a big part.
I mean when you got your Father card did you skim over the fine print where is says protection? Did you forget your glasses so you couldn't see that it said, "must go to a loving home"?
I mean these are all technicalities.

But me?
I'm not. I'm your daughter.
It sounds weird the way it rolls off of my tongue. The metallic after taste, like I've just been slapped. Daughter. Something doesn't seem right.

I mean why have a home where you feel loved, supported and valued. When you can live in a place that devalues all that you are, for all that you stand against.

It felt good
The way you kissed my neck
It would feel better
To run my car over your face

Psychopathic tendency's
Uncontrollable liars

It was sweet
The way you hugged me
It tasted better
The poison on your tongue

Acid and arrows
Cupid's fate

My body betrays my mind
And my mouth betrays them both

It's been three years
And nothing had changed
I still love you
Stupid girl that I am
**** it

Could it be any more icy?
The temperature drops with every word you speak.
I want to shove corks in my ears
It's a slippery *****, your conversations.

I'm melting on the inside, like a snowman in summer, but there is no warmth here.

Attacked. Deflated.

I was high on life, you sober me so quickly.
Drunk on your lies, but no hangover, I see all to clearly in the morning.

Please shut your mouth.
Do you even know what kind words are?

Passive. Aggressive.

You grip my wrist tighter than any shirt sleeve, and the back of my head rings from your hand.

The hypothermia sets in quickly.
Three minutes in and I'm drowning.

You were supposed to guard my life.
I didn't think you would watch me drown, let alone push me under.

Although many times my eyes have drowned, now my ling's fill with salty water.
Who needs to breathe when all you give me is hot ******* air.

I wish I could live in the same house
As my brothers and my little sisters
I wish I could sleep under the same roof
As my family does

I wish the same shingles that cover my birth giver
And the same blankets that cover my male parental unit
Covered me

I wish.

But, there are a few things that come between
The intentional emotional detachment
The loving abusive comments
The lying, aggression and confrontation, those definitely factor in

But you know when God closes a door he opens a window
But when you don't have a door to lock and hide behind, God can't close it.

But the creepy old man
Who's touched me
And tried to touch me
The way my mouth taste like metal when I bite my tongue to keep from screaming in fustration
The way my body freezes as his claws dig into my leg
The way my mind breaks down like crumbs of a cookie

That is to much to bear.

I have a question.

?.

When you got your Daddy card did you skip over the fine print? Did you forget your glasses so that you couldn't read? Did you just skim over it to fast so that it didn't register? You know, the part where it says protection?

Provision. You got that down pat. No doubt about it. But I mean 50%? That's not a pass by any grading system.

Daughter.
It slips off the end of my tongue and tries to crawl back in. So many times have I had to retreat within myself because I was not under your wings.

Do I love you? Yes.
Do I trust you? Not with a spoon.
Not with my heart, not with myself.

Does that sadden my soul? Oh Lord does it ever.
I wish it was another way.
I wish I could live in your house.
But a house of hell is not one I can call home.

-Xoxo

I dipped my back into your couch
And you fell into me, lips first
Firm pressure on my mouth
Gentle touches tracing my body

You traced my curves with your hands
I breathed you in like I'd never had air
There was no space between us
Your body my blanket and shield

I pull you to me
Savoring the your taste
It lingers for days on my lips
I long many days for your kiss

As I lay beside you
Hand on your chest
Head on your should
Heart in your hands

I feel this beating in my chest
A beat to drown out all the rest
No whispers could ever contain
All I seek, is to remain

Hold me close
Don't you dare let go
For once I fall
I melt like snow

I breathe you in
In every embrace
Between your arms I belong
This is my place

I thought I had closed my eyes
For but I moment
In just that short a time
The night had fallen
Like a bird shot from the sky
The moon had crawled
Into place with the stars
And the sun ducked
Beneath the shy horizon
I waited.
With baited breath
The rooster would not crow
For many hours yet
And what does one
Twixt sunset
And sun birth
I called to the stars
And they winked back at me
Sang to the moon
Yet she howled back
Calling into the night
Every secret the night knows
And that was when i shut my eyes
Tight enough to block out the world
And long enough for the sun
To peek from the skyline
And they moon to carry
The next night over the edge

I have so much stuff
On my mind
So many words
Out of her mouth
And this heart is heavy
Like a mountain
Hanging over the moon
Every breath and gentle whisper
Crushed in his hand
And as I come
To the feet of Jesus
I surrender, my family
To you.
Whatever the end
No matter the cost
I will pay, because you paid
And you pour
A steady stream, of life
Into me, over my life
Immeasurable blessings
Flow from you
And your Spirit fills me
I am drawn
Into your glory
Filled, with your purpose
Direction from your word
Carries me, into battle
And away from the lies
To rest in your grace
Is to know love
Unconditional.

The stars rose into the sky
And as they died
They fell to the earth
The sand embraced them
Coveting the warmth of the fire
Like kisses of passion
That beat like drums
Into the night sky
They race to the heavens
And the in showers of waves
Like the hair of a goddess
They fall to the earth
And the kisses of smoke
Filling the lungs of the moon
Out of the sky
Into the water
Petals of guns
Roses of the midnight hour
Burning into the souls
Of the mortals below
Who worship the night
And all it contains
Boom. Like a heartbeat.
Rainbows in my veins
They scream through the night
Out of the lungs of the gods
Over the earth
And all it contains
Until they die
Wrapped in the earth
Like a blanket of death

The fog passed in tendrils
Like ghosts over the bridge
Shredded to threads
By the cars passing by

Like sunrises over the hill
The headlights climb
In single file
Racing to the horizon

These foggy nights
Are what I live for
Driving into oblivion
With you by my side

Most days I survive
But it would be unkind
And sort of rude
If I did not take a day
Or a night here and there
Just to grieve
For the heart
Ripped from my chest
And the soul
****** from betweeen my toes
They were mine
And they were stolen
A blessing in a way
But still my nerves
Are frayed and split
And send messages to a brain
Overloaded with drugs
And fill with pain
So tonight a grieve
One candle lit
And one sleeve barred
Goodnight I say
Goodnight you sleep
But you will rest
While my skin weeps

Some darks
Are to deep
For even
The brightest of lights

****** epidemic
Smart people glasses
Plaid shirts and chokers
Mixing patterns
Political candidates
Skin care products
Hair donuts
Starbucks or Dunkins
Hand sanitizer
Reusable vs Disposable
Body type
Big butts
Sexuality
Bathrooms
Water quality
Heel height
Cancer cures
To many babies
Haircuts
Piercings
Tattoos
Love
****** Language
Mustaches
Tumblr Quotes
******
Drought
You and I

I thought about it
And then all at once if consumed me
My mind was filled with thoughts
Wondering what the texture of your lips were

And when it came, so sudden and sweet
It was different that I had expected
But not bitter in the slightest

I didn't expect the cravings
To always hunger for just one more
Your lips, ever present in my mind
And oh how much I long
For just one more kiss, one last time

But now the leaves have fallen
And all I have are memories
I would kiss you again
A thousand times, until I die
But I cannot
For your lips belong to another
As sweet as they are
And as sweet as they seem

So I long now
And teach myself to long to more
For or first kiss was a blessing
And the last a curse
Our first a song
The last a missing verse

Draw me closer, oh my love
Push me against the wall
In this year since you have scorned me
Oh how things have changed
These thoughts I retain
But feelings not so much
For time does heal
And time does change
Slowly all her mysteries are revealed

Take a white woman and cover her in red paint
Take a black woman and do the same
Now you can't tell the color of their skin
You can only judge from what is within

We are taught from a young age
To hate what is different from us
Now it's your choice to be peaceful
It's not the paint that is deceitful

But we are the same kind of people
If you look in my inner reflection
It's not about thick thighs and pigmentations
It's about every heart in all of the nations

Who would you take a slug for
Who do you wish death upon
Don't waste your bad words
On the ears of that's all that they've heard

Speak life into strangers daily
I don't know you or owe you
But I can still call you my friend
And we will fight together until the end

We all bleed red paint
We all die sinners and saints
Don't label me something I ain't
This heart, is not for the faint

So bless my skin
An all that is within
From the tips of my toes to
Every part the good Lord to knows

You judge me if you like
I won't reflect on it
I have cracks in my skin
And all the paint seeps in

And so it fills me up
With all the love and the pain
Of those who bleed out in vain
Because fools speak words that sound insane

Different shades of acceptance
So judgmental in their minds
Because they fear what is different
It's not your fault they on ignorance

So color me blue
And let the sky watch
Because we have bigger problems
Than who's white and who's not

All of these words
Ever present in my mind
And all of you
A gift my heart cannot contain
For dreams are lucid
And tears fabricated
And my hearts only desire
Is to lay down in your arms
But here I find myself
On the ground
Strewn among the roses
It is not romantic
But it is sweet, and sickly
All at once
To be in your mind
And as I wander
The corridors of your mind
Knocking on doors
Slipping into your thoughts
I cry.
For I know
This is where I belong
And to you I will always return
My thoughts run
Out of my ears
And intertwine into yours
Will we ever end?
I know that we will die
That is for sure
But an end?
To be love we have
Is in foreseeable in my sky

How can I say words
When I do not even know myself
This sunshine is wasted
On the frailness of my body

Crystals in my eyes
Scrape across my cheeks
Dragging me down
To be set in stone

So many whispers
Dancing in my head
And the secrets
Scream to be free

I cough, and my soul
Jumps through the fabric
Of the world
It is bound unto

Slaves in my bones
Work through the night
They will not die
Without cracking my heart

Shards, embedded in my hands
Hands clasped around my ankles
Ankles covered in scars of gold
Gold burned, into flames of death

Into the night they rise
Screaming for their life
As it falls to earth
To be shadowed in lies

Mysteries clouded in poor judgement
Peace shattered to pieces
Broken, like the silence
That echoes in my cage

Because all who wander
Wander alone
And not all who wander are found
Before it's to late

Do you know how to write a love letter
I mean, you never wrote them to me
But you must know how, it is in you
Write out your heart, for me to read

I don't believe any life is a mistake
But I know I've made plenty in life
Just wanted to be your, and you mine in turn
Didn't meant to make any trouble, or cause strife

My skin burned red, when you were pulled away
A forever so much shorter than I ever imagined
So many memories crowded up in my head
Something though I wonder, if they really happened

I was lost, I loved, I lost,  I lost my love
So many words and all of these hurting hearts
Like trying to hard to make a snake dance
I thought I was a duet, I was left playing all the parts

I am caught in a between a rock and a hard place
Between my insecurity and my heart

there are so many kinds of love
which of them do I deserve
how many days do I get
as a slave, to serve

this many nights
to prepare to fall apart
so many days to try
beating without a heart

which of these lies
do you hold most dear
could you give them up
so you could sleep here

fingertips apart from you
as you lay in the ground
you reached up to me
I would not fall down

could you blame me
for the heart you ******
the drugs you bled
you have not atoned

louder than your lies
I scream about the night
wishing to flood your eyes
with tears of light

poison in my flesh
at the end of a blade
all the cards dealt
but this last *****

if you breathed me in
it would be your last
today is over
the night does not pass

Hell! Hell! Hell!
I see it in my mind
demons writhing alive
inside of my spine

every kiss to my hand
like a claim upon my soul
every piece taken
a lesser part of a whole

this is death
and it is so cold
like the ice in my heart
in to it I fold

how an ending is made
from the dying of the stars
so distant they looked
a lie to think they are far

it pierced my face
and sunk into my dreams
as dark as it was
it broke the seams

to fall apart
ripped to shreds
by the night
in mine own head

how can I save you!
when I am but a shell
to drag you down
to where I dwell

so much further
have I yet to fall
you cry to come
and I cry all

and oh the wretch
that I have become
all my threads
have come undone