The first time that Evan laid eyes on her, he told himself that he was going to marry her. Embarrassed by his own fantasy, he quickly dismissed that thought as fast as it came to mind, telling himself what an idiot he was. Yet, from time to time, in spite of his reasoning, the thought would invade his skull.

What a dumb idea anyhow! It was just lame, teenage fantasyland! Girls did that kind of junk all the time, saying they were going to be Mrs. So-and-so, and thank God nobody could read his mind to know what he was dreaming up! Like she would marry him! He felt like a dumb ****, great in athletics, but far out of her league. Not even having the courage yet to ask a girl out on a date, and now he was already thinking of marriage! Pathetic! Really! Only a freshman in high school, he felt he should know better, lacking the good common sense his dad always tried to drive into him and had himself.

Ginny Delgado belonged with the smart kids, the brains of the school, although she seemed to stick more by herself, away from any stereotypical clique. Evan had first seen her in his biology class, and he remembered when other students wanted to copy off of her test papers. She never allowed any of that to happen, though, even if it would gain her popularity, false popularity but attention just the same.

It was a surprise to him that Ginny seemed to have few friends. Mostly, girls who were nerdy and smart did not seem very attractive or put together. Ginny seemed to have it all. She was smart and pretty, but she never identified with any of the girls who thought they were hot—and all other girls were not—and so she stood apart as one who shrouded herself in guarded aloofness.

And now here he was at his 20th high school reunion, one he really did not want to attend, but talked himself into going anyway. Perhaps, he could shoot the breeze and run into a few old buddies, his basketball friends. He didn't think that much of Ginny since he graduated from Fillmore, much less anybody from all those years ago. There really wasn’t any reason to reminisce once high school was behind him. School was not misery for Evan Stewart, but it wasn’t a time where everything seemed magical and carefree, not like for some students who looked upon those days as some of the fondest memories of their lives.

It was the class of ’92, and a huge banner displayed across one of the walls read, “Welcome back, class of 1992! Fillmore High School rules!” There was a good turnout, and Evan recognized a lot of people, although there were fewer that he knew by name.  

Sitting under dimly light lights, around a bunch of round tables, Evan now sat with the other alumni, stuck in a crowded hall with music blaring away from the early nineties. He had his overpriced meal. He had his few beers.

But what now?

He was almost bored to death. He was beginning to watch the clock more and more, scanning the room to see if he could possibly find reason to stay longer.  But then something happened that he never expected to happen, never even would have imagined it.

And, suddenly, his heart started to pick up its pace.

Was that her?

Evan thought he had made out the vague shape of a possibly familiar figure, an amazing and sudden surprise. Was that Ginny Delgado?

He wondered if he was seeing things as he intently stared across the room at the shadowy prospective of Ginger Delgado. But with the low amount of lighting, it just might not be her but someone he never even met before. How awkward would what be?

If it was Ginny, she was sitting next to a guy who seemed obnoxious and full of himself. Even from afar, he appeared to be a guy who would be in everyone’s face, with wild hand gestures, talking away and giving nobody else a chance for a word in edgewise.  If that really was Ginny, was that her husband? What a trip that would be! All the sense he once attributed to her would have to have gone out the window, if that were the case.

Sitting at Evan’s table were several of the other guys that were also heavy into high school basketball. Most were married and came with their wives—nobody was alone as Evan was—and now they all tried to act like they were thrilled to be all gathered together to show off their accomplishments. They were all passing around stories of life after high school, after basketball—some with talk of their college days, their wives, their kids, their jobs and careers—plenty of drinks to go around, and some toasting to the good, old days and to even brighter futures ahead. Evan was never married and did not have any children, so he felt he had much less to say. Most of those guys were not even very interesting, even though they tried to make it out that they had achieved so much in their lives. They may have been out of shape and past their prime, but all of them tried to act like they were the same as they were twenty years ago. None of what they all said impressed Evan at all, even though he tried to be interested.

He kept looking at the woman across the room, and the more he looked at her, the more he was convinced he was spot on about her. She had to be Ginny! He should just get up now and have the guts to ask her! But what would she say? Yes, I am Ginny Delgado, and this pushy **** next to me is my husband?

Though he was twenty years older, Evan felt just as awkward and as scared as he did in his freshman Biology class. It was better to just let the issue be. He’d rather save face than look like a total fool.

Suddenly, the unexpected occurred, something that gave Evan’s heart even more of a stir than he initially had when he spied her presence. Was it possible? Ginny now looked like she was starring back at him, as if they had somehow miraculously locked eyes and she had an uncanny ability to notice him back, from that afar off, now being transfixed onto him!  

You’ve really lost it now. What do you think, that she really notices you and remembers you?

Ginny stopped paying attention to the obnoxious man beside her and kept looking in Evan’s direction. She even reached her hand up and gave a little wave out his way.

Timidly, Evan waved back.

Standing up, Ginny started to make her way across the room. The obnoxious guy next to her looked on after her, like he could not believe she had wanted to part company with him. Evan guessed she was not his wife—thank God for that!

No, there is just no way she is coming over to talk to you. Alright, maybe she is. Get a hold of yourself now! Stop acting like a teenager and act like you actually know something about women. Come on, Evan! Get it together! She is coming.

Evan was right. It was Ginny Delgado! But she stopped short of his table to sit a down at the table in front of him, next to another fellow classmate of theirs, a female student that he vaguely remembered, though he did not know her name.

It was almost a relief she did not come to sit with him! Yet the disappointment was equally there. Seeing her more up close, Evan knew for sure it was Ginny. She was still quite pretty, perhaps even more so now, her medium brown hair and her dark purple dress complimenting each other. Not wanting to stare, Evan couldn’t help but to shoot many glances her way, without trying to be too obvious.
          
She smiled a lot, glad to talk to another person that she knew, and probably glad to be away from the guy she was stuck with before. Her eyes sparkled, and Evan never remembered ever seeing her so unguarded. In biology class, she was quiet, like he tended to be. Now she seemed so different, seemingly freer to be herself. Evan rarely saw her smile in high school, but thought she was very serious and sophisticated.

Before long, the DJ was now playing Eric Clapton’s Tears in Heaven. Couples at all tables were making their way to the dance floor. Soon, Ginny was approached by some guy who asked her to join him for a dance. She shook her head, no. Nonchalantly, the man turned to the woman that Ginny knew and asked her. She gladly accepted, said something to Ginny as if to have her permission and understanding, and then took the man’s hand to go to the dance floor. Ginny remained at the table by herself, looking on at the dancers with seemingly little regret that she declined an offer.

This might be your only chance, idiot. Are you going to blow it and be a wuss? Go up to her and tell her that you remember her. Go on! It is your perfect chance. What do you have to lose? If she isn’t interested, just go then. You’ve spent enough time here anyway!

“Hi…Ginny Delgado isn’t it?”

Evan asked as he approached her from behind. He cleared his throat. His voice had sounded so gravelly, as if he hadn’t uttered a single word all night. And his heart was beating a mile a minute, and he swore it must have been pulsating through his shirt. He was glad he put his suit jacket back on, for he was probably sweating like crazy.  

Ginny looked up, seemed to look puzzled, but then smiled a little. “I remember you!” she said with growing enthusiasm on her face. “Oh, but I’m sorry. You are going to have to tell me your name again”.

“Evan Stewart”, he replied. “We were in biology class together Remember? We were sophomores.”

A succession of slow songs was now being played, and Ginny’s friend was enjoying the time with her new dance partner. She certainly was in no hurry to make her way back to the table to rejoin sitting and talking with Ginny.

“Oh, sure! I remember now!” Ginny exclaimed. “Evan Stewart. Of course! You were the tall, shy guy that everyone liked because you knew how to win one for us. You were big into baseball, weren’t you?”

“Well, basketball was my best sport. I liked baseball, too, and track”, he replied humbly. It was amazing! She actually remembered more him than he thought she would!  “

Can I sit down and join you?” he asked, his courage and confidence growing.

“Oh, do!” Ginny replied, eagerly.

He felt like he was in seventh heaven. How cool was this? Sitting with Ginny Delgado? It was a bonus to a fairly descent reunion.

“So what have you been up to for the last twenty years?” Evan asked. His face was flush with embarrassment, as if he was just a guy who happened to luck out, but had no real skill in socializing with a woman he once fantasized about.

Ginny laughed a little, putting her hand up to her mouth as if her response was inappropriate. She responded, “You want a few hours? Or should I just give you a one word response?”

Evan smiled, blushing, as he tried to appear smooth and confident. “A one word response?” he asked.

“Yes. I can say it in one word—roller coaster….oops, that is two words”.

They both just sat there as I Can’t Make You Love Me, by Bonnie Raitt, played on.  

“Yeah…I guess I could say that about my life”, Evan agreed. “Would you like me to get you something from the bar?” he offered. “A coke or a beer?”

Ginny stared out onto the floor, as if she never heard him. “Isn’t it amazing how everyone comes to see the same people they always used to hang out with and still intend to hang out with to this day?” she asked. “How boring and predictable!”

Evan looked at her, puzzled, “What do you mean?”

Ginny continued to look out onto the floor, the music now upbeat dance music, and said, “Well, I mean you see all the football heroes all hanging out with each other. The members of the debate team are all huddled together as if they are preparing for the next debate. The cheerleaders, the drama club, the science club geeks…nothing has changed has it?”  

Evan shrugged his shoulders. “I guess that is typical. But that isn’t me. Sure, I saw some of the guys I played ball with, basketball, but the truth is I am not really that interested in hanging out with them.”

Ginny turned to look at him, her hazel eyes intent and solemn. Evan added, “I don’t have any contact with any of them. Nothing against them. I just don’t”.

They looked at each other in the eyes for a while. The silence was awkward. It was as Evan’s watching and waiting for her reply was the cue for Ginny to open up, and open up she did.

“I went to UCLA on a scholarship. I became a history major, world history, American history, women’s history. I never intended to teach, not at first. But it just seemed a good fit for me, and I have had plenty of teaching jobs, junior high school, high school. I moved to Sacramento.  I was briefly married after I got my first real teaching job there.”

Ginny’s eyes glistened. There was a pain in them that seemed locked in deep, not really wanting to expose itself too much, but coming out nonetheless.

Evan listened on, eagerly, so she went on, her gaze towards the dance floor “It did not work out. He cheated. He did it more than once and with more than one woman.  And now that I look back, I can see how wrong it all was, especially after my miscarriage. At first, I was so crushed, and I wanted to try again, for another baby, to try to please him, Jim, my husband. Thank God, I didn’t go on and on with him. I am glad I came back here…..back to Springdale.”

She looked back at Evan. He quickly looked away from her glance, his eyes downcast to the table. She wasn’t kidding. Her life was a roller coaster. He did not know what to say, felt so inadequate.

He decided to just share, in return.

”I was engaged once. It was a long engagement. She was a friend of a friend. Lana was her name. She told me she wanted to be with me, but she just wasn’t ready to make the big leap just right away. Actually, I am kind of glad now that I look back. We both owned our own shops. She was a hair stylist and I owned my own car repair shop, but that was about all we really had in common. I mean not really, even though we both liked sports a lot. We never seemed to agree on anything.”

Like he did, Ginny just listened intently, not attempting to make any reply. Evan added, “She was willing to cut me down in a second. I see that now”.

“Well how do you like that?!”

Evan and Ginny looked up as the woman that Ginny came over to see arrived back from the dance floor. She was walking, hand in hand, with her new found dance partner, fanning herself with her hand and laughing.

“Ginny’s got some company, too!” she exclaimed, beaming at Evan.    

Ginny replied, “Rhonda Flemming, this is Evan Stewart. She used to be Rhonda Boehner back in Fillmore”

Ginny turned to Evan to introduce him to her old classmate. “Evan…Rhonda. Evan, I don’t know if you two ever met each other before when we all went to school”.

“I’m not sure I have, either”, he replied, extending his hand to shake Rhonda’s. Rhonda quickly grabbed hold of his and gave it an overly enthusiastic shake.

“Hi, Evan!” she exclaimed "This handsome man next to me  is Brian. I never knew Brian until he asked me to dance!” she said excitedly. “And I am newly divorced and so is he! How strange is that?”

Brian shook Evan’s hand and then Ginny’s. “How’s it going?” he asked, grinning with embarrassment at Rhonda’s forward frankness.

“Ginny is one of the smartest people”, Rhonda went on to Evan and Brian. “We were once partners in an English class. We had to write a paper about each other. That was so fun in an otherwise booooooring class. Remember, Ginny?”

Ginny rolled her eyes, and made a shooing gesture with her hand to convey that Rhonda did not know what she was talking about. “I’m not as smart as anyone ever thought I was. I just worked hard and did my best, but thanks anyway for the compliment” , she said, modestly.  

“Oh, you were, too, Ginny!” Rhonda disagreed. She had a gleeful glint in her eyes. “Always so serious, Ginny Delgado! “

Rhonda grabbed Brian’s hand. “Hey, Brian and I are going to go mingle and walk around and see what trouble we can get into. You two want to join us?  

Ginny and Evan looked at each other as if to say “No way!” Ginny responded, “I think we are just fine here, but thanks”

Rhonda winked at her and then tugged at Brian’s hand. The pair of them went off together, leaving Evan and Ginny to themselves.

Evan smirked at Ginny, and then they both started cracking up with muffled laughter. Evan paused and then burst out laughing again. “Where did you find her?” he asked. A tear actually began to run down his face from laughing so hard, and he quickly wiped it away.

Ginny stopped laughing, tried to compose herself, but busted out with even more laugh

WITH CONTRIBUTIONS FROM MULTIPLE POETS

You don't cut, your wrists are fine.
          If I was dumb enough to cut my wrists I'd have been caught by now.
You're not anorexic, I've seen you eat.
          How much, really?
You're not depressed, you smile all the time.
          Yeah, because acting and lying aren't things.
     ~WickedHope

You can't have anxiety, you talk to so many people.
          Its funny how you see me talking, but don't see the panic attacks.
     ~aesha nisar

You have a good life. There's no reason to be sad.
          You're part of the reason why I'm depressed.
     ~Phoenix

You're not angry, you haven't raised your voice or yelled.
          Maybe the voices yelling in my head are so loud I can't do anything
          but focus on keeping them quiet.
You're not scarred from your past, you act normal.
          If normal is crying for hours at night till tears can't come anymore
          and apathy sets in, then yes I'm quite normal.
     ~Stardust

You are so lucky, it's so easy for you to be good at what you do.
          You don't see the intensity of doubt and countless hours of anxiety to
          get things to the point they're not too embarrassing to show someone.
     ~PrttyBrd

You're fine. You aren't depressed, just really sad.
          If I'm not depressed, just sad, then why am I here everyday?
          Why am I here crying to you when I should be out, living?
     ~Tiffany Smith

God I swear every guy you meet online just wants to bone you.
          You say that like its a good thing. All I want is someone I can trust,
          someone I can rely on, not someone who wants to bone me.
You have boyfriends from everywhere, india, japan, china...
          I have none. These are only friends, the only one I want is you.
Your so strong.
          Yea, 'cause going home to cry in a corner, then stuffing my face with ice
          cream while watching sad anime is totally legit.
Are you okay?
          No I'm not ok. I just want to punch both your eyes out, then cuddle with
          you and make out with your face. Then maybe I'll just take a long break
          to bawl my eyes out and get rid of all evidence, all but the telltale clue of
          how swollen my eyes are
     ~Creep that Loved You

Come on. You can go to school. You're not sick.
          Physically, no. Now mentally...
Why are you so good at everything?
          That's because you don't bother to look deeper.
You look fine.
          Oh yeah, the red eyes and dark circles just add to my beauty.
I love you.
          Yeah, it looked like it when you were 'out' with your 'friends.'
     ~maha salman

You're so resilient. You've been through so much pain, yet here you are living strong.
          That's because every time someone says, are you OK? I just smile and
          say I'm fine. But none of them can hear the screaming in my brain saying
          I should just die.
You're so beautiful.
          No.... The smile is fake, powder covers the circles under my eyes,
          mascara makes my eyes look bright and lip stick covers the bite marks
          on my lips from where I chew through them when I'm anxious, or
          panicking, or being asked questions. You would be repulsed by the
          beast underneath.
You're such a talented poet.
          If writing down my deepest darkest dreams, nightmares, fantasies and
          memories, make me a good poet, then yes. But all I write is the thoughts
          that scream to come out or my head will explode.
     ~The Girl Who Loved You

You have never felt real pain, you are a man not a wuss.
          The worst pain hits you in the heart not in the head... Whats a man
          without pride, whats a man without a name?
Get over her bro, shes just one girl.
          One girl that I chose to love out of the 7 billion other people in the
          world.
Open up your heart to new people new things.
          What's the point in meeting people, when in the end they all just leave?
You aren't alone.
          I'm not alone? You lie through your teeth, where where you when I sold
          my soul to the devil and condemned myself to the abyss?
We are proud of you always, son.
          Words I've never heard, just the echoes of my parents inside my head.
You live a great life.
          That's not the message the untouched prescribed sleeping pills and           ecstasy portray.
     ~grld

You're so patient.
          On the outside yes, in the recesses of my mind I'm screaming my
          head off... waiting for something that will never happen.
     ~Julian Pacheco

Who cares about the others? You're not like them you're different.
          What if I don't want to be different? What If I want to curl up into a
          ball and pretend I don't think I'm failing you every moment of the day.
Life's not fair.
          Well maybe it's time it should be. Maybe it's time for us to stop
          thinking that we deserve more because that's all we've ever known.
          Maybe it's our job to MAKE life fair.
Forget it, move on.
          I don't want to. Shouldn't everyone be able to hold onto the things they
          hold close? If they were holding it close it meant something and if it
          meant something good then it's worth fighting for.
Shut up.
          No. This time I won't be quiet because I sit here and I listen to what you
          say every day; you treat whoever you want however you want and that
          is not your right. Everyone has an opinion. I want to share mine.
     ~Forgotten Dreams

You're so confident.
          Only because you do not see the pain and turmoil it causes me
          inside, and the sores inside my cheeks to keep from crying.
Why are you shaking? It's not even cold.
          Because I'm scared, scared of scenarios untrue.
~Makayla

You're not sad, you look so happy.
          Tell that to the guys who keep pointing all my flaws, and laughing
          about it, leaving me speechless because I have nothing to say in return.
You're such a good writer.
          And look how handy that is, won't ever shut them up for good.
You still have so much to live for.
          To keep living like this, might be considered anything but living. You're
          all too perfect for this world, but you know what? My body can't keep
          living in a different place my soul is.
     ~A Sad Sam

Chill out man, it's just a couple people.
          To me, three people is like three thousand people. Their voices circulate
          in my head and drive me crazy until I can't help but break down. You're
          right, I should definitely just chill out because I don't know anything
          about the disorder that brings a constant burden to my days.
Why are you so antisocial? Get off the computer and do something productive for once
          Try the fact that everybody that surrounds me makes me feel like the life
          I live isn't worth living and the comfort of understand people on the
          internet keeps me sane.
You're so lazy.
          Don't you dare start on that, because every ******* day I wake up and
          breathe despite my lungs collapsing in on themselves from all the
          pressure people give me, and every single day I do the work I'm told to
          do and I'm trying my hardest but I'm fighting a war with myself and it
          takes up every ounce of energy I have left. Don't you dare tell me that
          I'm lazy when every day I take all the strength I have to keep on living.
     ~Emma Tauzell

They had never met, didn’t know each other’s name --
          Yet their eyes were already making love.
     ~Deborah

You can't really love someone you've never met.
          He's the first thing on my mind when I open my eyes, the last
          thing I think about before I go to sleep, he's in my thoughts all
          the moments in between, his face takes away the nightmares and
          fills all my dreams. How is this not love?
     ~Just Melz

Just forget about her and move on.
          How am I supposed to do that, when all I see is her and her
          precious qualities I so dearly love in every girl I talk to?
          Forgetting is a lot harder to do than finding.
     ~Neb Dnarts

pretty and pink
she's a princess
as she struts up and down the rows

what she'll pick,
mommy doesn't know

will it be the new
holiday barbie doll

or the shiny Nerf gun
to shoot her brother, Paul.

no!

Its the wonderful stuffed
teddy-pus.

the mega tough protector
who isn't a wuss.

he keeps kids safe
chases the monsters away

with his snuggly tentacles and big fluffy ears
he provides brighter days

now whenever
she's feeling really sad,

Teddy-pus makes things
seem not so bad.

Ditch ewe sea Mai poem?
Eye sore year phlegm on yootoob!
Knot of ill my mean,
Ice awe yore fitty oh on yewtwoob!
No won you sis Phil mini moor...

Aisle Ike did the Bell eve id Dio.
**** wear wuss aye at?
Cuss ein owe fur sheer.
God Knowed out debt
Hugh phlegmed me giddy
Nth arc are!

Wail?
Watt Chew say a bow to that?
Weight.
Whole Don.
Dead Yew sin sir writ?
Sense err meow tough fit?
High share open aught!

Bay bee!
Hi muss tar!!!

(Can be sung to the melody of Frank Sinatra's "My Way")

For TWO years now I've been
The mighty leader of this nation,
But I can't stand it when
I don’t receive great adoration.

Believe me when I say
My way's the ALWAYS-best-to-lie way.
And you can do it too
By doing things my way.

Mueller is going strong.
I am sick of his **** query.
But they've all got it wrong.
They can't prove their stupid theory.

My fans KNOW my style is NOT
A JUST-lay-down-and-die way.
I have gotten by
By doing things my way.

My tryst with Stormy and my fling
With that McDougal woman bring
So much grief into my life,
Especially with my wife.
But, nonetheless, I will confess
I love things my way.

And now I want my wall;
If I don't get it some will suffer.
I will shut things down
Just to show I'm not a bluffer.

You can dupe the world
With simply the "M" "Y" way.
So I will not deny
I love things MY way.

I've had to fire more than a few
'Cause they say things that are untrue.
And my toadies on the Hill
All bow down; they know the drill.
They know the ways to get my praise:
Just do things my way.

Yes, do things my way.

-by Bob B (1-16-19)


2017 and 2018 VERSIONS:

DOING THINGS MY WAY (1):
(THE INAUGURATION SONG)

(Can be sung to the melody of Frank Sinatra's "My Way")

And so, I'm standing here
To say an oath and pledge allegiance.
Though some will cry and jeer
And accuse me of malfeasance,

The fact that I can stand
Before you now in a tough-guy way
Proves that you can play it through
By doing things my way.

Yes, I've stiffed a few,
But that's my disposition.
That's what you have to do
To carry forth your mission.

I knew what I was doing;
I was acting in a sly way.
Just do what I tell you
And do things my way.

You might not like the things I say
Or what I do, but that's okay.
Celebs like me all have it made.
Just don't drop the masquerade.
It's all the same; just play the game
And do things my way.

I've had three wives. So what!
I've had just two divorces.
The news? Don't watch that ****.
I have found better sources.

I didn't get this far
By choosing the just-get-by way.
Since life is dog eat dog
Just do things my way.

You'll always find someone to cheat.
Remember: don't admit defeat.
There's nothing wrong with being rude.
At times be crass; at times be lewd.
Make up the rules; treat them like fools
By doing things my way.

Yes, do things my way.

(1-19-17) By Bob B


DOING THINGS MY WAY (2)
(SEVENTEEN MONTHS AFTER THE INAUGURATION)

(Can be sung to the melody of Frank Sinatra's "My Way")

Despite all that you hear,
I'm doing great; I'm number one now.
My made-up "truths" endear
Me to my base; we're having fun now.

My ranting and my raving
Show that mine's not the small fry way.
You'll win…you'll win much more
By doing things my way.

I wish the FBI
Would stop investigating.
They know too much. That's why
It is all so aggravating.

I never liked a wuss
Who would take the humble pie way.
No, I am much more ruthless
Doing things my way.

I've told some lies, once in a while…
Well, every day, but that's my style.
My Congress *****, have got my back.
At the right time we'll attack.
I plot and scheme for my regime
By doing things my way.

Putin's my friend, oh,
And Kim Jong Un and I are buddies.
Merkel and Trudeau?
My goodness, they're such fuddy-duddies.

All I have to do
Is just display my evil eye way,
And I'll get what I want
'Cause it is my way.

I am the law; that's plain to see.
And very few are smart like me.
I will say what comes to mind,
And I don't care if it's unkind.
A little greed helps you succeed
When doing things my way.

Yes, do things my way.

-by Bob B (6-26-18)

My message seems too abrasive to send
Like handwritten ransom notes
With a geriatric hand,
Gnarled and pimpled with
                Weariness
                And experience.
Our war stories
Are cards thrown down at a poker table
So initially casual
Then troubling after the fact.

People spout perspectives;
Our inputs are faucets overflowing
With the chemicals that change the mix.
Each of us contribute to the compound of strife.
What I need – what I want
Is my own element,
                Thoughts pure of your life,
For you do not fully comprehend my experience.
My wuss-**** whines that resonate
As sure as a saxophone’s wail.

My jazz demeanor, burlesque figure
Only mask the pedigree of emotions

Beneath my wiggling hips, fluttering eyelashes.
Remember: this is a woman.
From smudges to sunlight to wind to aligned stars –
                The cracked liar’s smile never eludes me
                Just as the bite still scars my neck.

Marked, experienced, wrung out, aloof –
                Live for sin, looping exponentially.


The seagulls scavenging in
The grocery store parking lot,
We know them and hate them for it.
****, drink, yell, tip your way, son.
I’ll tap my cigarette, clamber into bed
[my motives are my motivation]
Deepstep, baby, deepstep:
                Come willing because I won’t.

I am the renegade impulsively flipping cards,
Smirking across the poker table
And yelling, “Checkmate”
For no good reason.
Scattered to the winds,
My nonsense is the very ground you have to tiptoe upon,
My sense is the word on the tip of your tongue that absconded.

I am not your maker for he’s my friend.
I am not your mother for she’s my servant.
I am not your lover for you’re my witness.

This [whatever it is] is a syllable caught skipping on the record,
                                                         ­                                  And we’ll never know the rest of the word

"Truth or dare?" Emma said. She was drunk, so instead of the words coming out crisp, they all mended together created a word that sounded like, "Turthordar". Georgia could help but smile. "Truth." she had done way too many dares that night, she had to take of her shirt, try and chug a gallon of milk(and fail completely), and kiss a cat. "Wuss." Garry said. Georgia rolled her eyes and smiled, she loved her friends. "Do you believe in true love?" Emma questioned.
"No" Georgia replied as if she didn't need time to think."True love is love without a price, but all the love is this world always cost people something. Whether it is happiness, a home, or family love always steals something from you, and kills you from the inside when it leaves you."
"Wow," Gary said "You are such a buzz ****." Georgia chuckled as Garry took another swig out of Emma's bottle. Georgia heard the garage door open. "Shot my dad is home, you guys have to go, now the take the liquor with you,"
"What are we suppose to do? We can't drive."
She stared around the room for a second, and sighed.
"Ugh fine go upstairs to my room. Don't come down no matter what happens."
"What does that mean-"
"NOW"
Emma and Gary shuffle up the stairs as the garage door closes, and Georgia pulls out her braille bible. The door closes.

I posed a querry to the stone on the summit and from it I got neither bile. Nor *****.crickets chirping loudly into the night. The silenced with fright at once. Time passed through the hourglass with silty silence.

So I posed a querry. Slathered in razzleberry jam to the powers that am.
And the dedafening roar of NEVERMORE did bowl me over. So I posed another.  Smotherd in clover and lo and behold the universe expanded in deafening silence.

Alas I am left with para of noia .
Furtive. Distrustfull. Disgusted evunnn. As said snagglepus.
A wuss in sheeps clothing. Serpentine riddle. No front nor back nor side nor middle. Left wanting of truth left here to self ******.
Awww fiddle.  Hey didle didle.

The cat and the fiddle.... licking his chops
Playing all sides agin the middle

Shmaaart

“Keep that mask on, it will make you look stronger.” They said,
Constricting my empty veins,
Shielding my vulnerability,
Hiding my humanity,
Making my bones stronger but my soul much weaker.

All ‘real men’ must take on this mask,
Exposing fraction of yourself is your task,
‘Real men’ are…
Physical, Strong, Independent, Powerful,
Scary, Hard, Stud, Muscular and
List goes on.

I am scared and I need help,
Scared to rip this mask,
It is such a hard task when,
Wuss, Wimp,
*** and *****,
Are what defines the ‘True men’.

Sitting in this narrow box,
Suffocating from these shallow thoughts,
Attempting to jump out,
Thrown back by societies mouth.

sticky kisses for the missus just
to prove that i'm no wuss
and if it tastes good enough for you
it's good enough for me too.
don't you miss the blissful ignorance
chinese whispers and rumours
written on the tarmac in chalk
for the wind to pick up
and carry on to other schoolyards
eat lots of pineapple, it'll make you taste good.
did she eat ten a penny aniseed sweets for me?
she seeps liquid liquorice
that binds my teeth in a bittersweet grimace
stretching from ear to ear. she hates the taste
and i hate to share my just desserts.
innocence is a burden that burns
like empty lungs, and no breathing in
again until i get what i want,
bad enough to make the children
want to **** themselves. when they want
sticky kisses before bedtime.

The world has gone grey.
We all live in limbo.
But out of the darkness.
"Wuss poppin Jimbo."

Intro

Your voice always gets to me through
the convincing brutal honesty in verbal abuse.
From the moment I first heard you, I knew
I could never win with you,
but I didn't wanna lose,
'cause you made me high too.
I know it's not an excuse, but I choose
to stay confused and just refuse
to let it go and say goodbye to you.
What if I'll feel so empty without you?
Without the feeling I'm in now,
'cause I love being in it
forever everywhere, I swear, I mean it.
And I guess there's nothing wrong with having a little crush on you
just for a minute.
It's okay, but hey,
I'm not trying to justify a guy with a short fuse
and mean demeanor.
I mean, I know it can be meaner.
No matter how amused by you,
I kind of feel like I'm used.
Not that I accuse you, just warn you
that it's a bad habit you'd better not get used to.
Though, you're still my muse.
I wish I were your muse too
so that I could listen to your new song like I used to,
'cause it's exhausting,
but I can't help listening to your awesome anguishing agony,
your music you use to let loose,
release exhaust fumes,
your evergreen, everlasting spring in solitary, torturing you.
Much as I wouldn't dare fit in your shoes,
I'd like to rap with you, but I live in ludicrous blues.
You gave me so much pain and pleasure through your art,
that grew so deep into your soul and your body that you now embody rap.
And I want to thank you accordingly,
repay you with both sides of the same coin,
with the range of reflections from hilarious rage to evil love.
Enjoy.


Pipe Dream

Of course, you don't know me as a person.
By the way, it's also vice versa,
I don't know you either.
It's not like I wrote a lot of verses.
But I wish this one could make us closer.
It's a pity you'll never read it.
But if you did, it would mean the world to me,
especially if you wrote back.
It would be an event of the scale of the second advent,
'cause you are closed for me like a celestial deity,
hidden behind the veil of a subconscious dream so far,
at the same time, so close like God,
sorry, my bad, lord Satan.
As an artist, you draw attention to your life show
along with prayers, praise, and worshiping you kids’ letters,
not reaching the addressee.
Where do they go,
Santa Claus?
To the North Pole,
where it's so cold,
forty below zero?
Isn't it a bit too low for yo’ **-**-hos?
No, yeah, you're right.
What if an addresser
is a transgender ******, ******, or a crossdresser?
Still, it breaks my heart that it's just a pipe dream,
which is impossible to get satisfied with,
as appealing as it is.
Ah, what you gonna do?
An addict takes what he needs.
So I gotta try to make it come true.
I will keep writing to believe that I can get through to you.
I'm aware of how much time it may take.
But as long as magic is real, my feelings aren't fake.
I can always find time for you,
even though you never have it for me.
I don't care what your name is and where you are from
or how much money you've got in your bank account.
It only matters how you perform.
After all, you've won an Oscar,
not for being a good actor, though.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Credit where credit’s due.
You did play your *** off
staying true to yourself, showed the world
your cold white cocky cheeky ***,
and opened up your incandescent soul
as if it's a bold, wide-open, giant *******,
inflicting your **** upon the world,
being a sassy drama-queen pain in the ***,
'cause you're an *******.
That may make me look like I'm your worst fan.
But I really didn't wanna hurt your feelings at all.
It's just, no matter what you do,
open your mouth, be sad as ****, or, God forbid, even smile,
some bunch of people that see you
somehow manage to get ******* every time.
You're **** right, it's true.
Well, I guess, of all people,
you should appreciate a rapturously sarcastic joy.
Don't take offense, I'm only kidding,
just playing with you, my favorite toy.
For what it's worth,
you are the best superhuman Rapboy
on Earth.
With this, you've been blessed and cursed, a sinner since birth.
Jesus, can you believe this?
They say you're a genius.
If it isn't love, I don't know what it is.
Except it might be some kind of addiction or a contagious disease.
And as every disease, it will increase,
then finally cease and release.
Or maybe not, then I will tragically die
and, hopefully, find my peace with ease.
Compared to tormenting life,
it must be a piece of cake,
easy as pie just to decease.
Anyway, you probably shouldn't even read this,
I have to admit.
Indeed, why would you read it,
when you got your own ****?
Well, I guess, everyone has a story nobody gives a **** about.
Anyhow, should you, however, dare read it now,
make sure you still have enough spare time
and there's no one around
to wipe your *** and polish your crown,
‘cause it's long, and you're not that young
to be disturbed or waste your time.
You know, I didn't want to post this verse at first.
Then I thought it's worth a shot.
What the hell? Let's see how it goes,
pens out, and grows.
It may get complicated.
But I hope you'll understand it.
You can do it. I believe in you.
Now, let's see how the magic works.
Are you ready, big fat rap star boy,
still sick, slim shady?
All right, let's go already.
Or I'll write a little bit more
by the time you have read it.
Note that I've got the same habit.
Since I was fifteen years old, I've had it.
That’s right, I wrote poems.
That was my way to cope with problems.
And I still write at times like it's my dope.
I know, this habit’s bad, it's wrong,
and I should stop, but no,
I keep editing and adding,
‘cause I'm an addict.
That's probably all perfectionists’ problem.
Thanks to the absence of writer’s block,
you also have it,
enjoying the process of getting inspired by your own notebook.
By the way, I do it too.
So I’mma roast your *** in a stove
as no one else ever did before,
my tasty rabbit.
It's gonna be hotter than hell.
So hot that the devil himself
will envy you at first,
then feel so sorry for you, baby,
that he will even let you endeavor
to get into heaven.
May I have your attention, please?
Stand up for yourself, if you will.
No, wait, actually, the real question now is,
am I ready to mess with the real Slim Shady?
Wow! That's unheard of and a lil’ intimidatin’, to be honest.
So, be that as it may, we shall see.
I guess, it depends on how deep
we can take this… whatever it is.
Anyways, it won't hurt him.
I promise.


Obsession

I actually see that
we share the same illusion of
mutual love.
Sometimes it seems, though,
I'm a bit delusional
and stuck in appealing bluff
with my life, cut in half.
As I am torn in two between me and you,
getting the wrong impression
and making the false conclusion
of falling for you like a fool,
eager to lose myself in this confusion
and overwhelming passion,
in an instant, turning into the irrational obsession of a buff
that's stunningly never enough,
'cause it makes me feel special,
a rough fuse on the expression
of the eternal hunger for love.
Life is worthless without this feeling.
Isn't that how it's supposed to be?
I just gotta keep believing
that it's not destroying me.
I'd been living in denial for a long time, though,
lying to myself that you were not bad, not good either,
just gradually growing on me, fantasizing,
pretending that you could be my friend,
feigning that I wasn't your fan.
Unfortunately I am.
But I do my best not to be.
I do all I can.
It doesn't help.
Yeah, I know it's bad for my head.
Man, but I didn't even know
how seriously I was hooked on
your songs back then
and didn't realize
how deeply I was in love with my little, clandestine,
indecent, innocent, beautiful lies.
Yes, it's unhealthy.
Yet, I can't help it.
It just happened.
I guess it had to happen.
Dang! I don’t understand it
and hate to admit
that it's a nasty, hot pleasure and pain
to be your stan.
Still, I can't stand the idea that I can't leave ya,
no matter how hard I try.
I just can't withstand.
In my defense, I'm a petite woman,
and you're a superman.
As always, what I resist persists.
Maybe I'm trying too hard.
I guess, it's a curse of a perfectionist,
the neurosis of being too smart,
when a scull can't contain too big a brain,
which is pretty much useless for the heart.
I'd love to have faith in your words, my god,
believe the irresistible, sweet lie,
the convincing feeling
that you are extremely appealing and hot,
the attractive illusion I want to believe in.
I think I'll forgive you,
even if you hurt me, make me cry,
‘cause you are so sweet, smooth, and swift,
like a knife
for every bonnie girl to collide with.
And I don't know why
I have to live with this wound in my heart till the day I die,
this ****** hole, caused by cold steel of the blade, stealing my life.
Maybe it's because this wild fire,
being born in me, burns in me,
burning me while I'm still alive.
And I still can't understand why.
Beauty doesn't have to make sense, I guess,
unless you have the audience to impress.
Extremely explicit expression is sincere and enough to have meaningless ***
or even make love.
Man, if I've ever actually met you, I'd be like,
“Wow! How?
I mean, Hi.
My name is…
Ah, forget it.
It's nice to meet you.
But why the hell do I feel suddenly so ******* high right now?
If I died now, I wouldn't mind.”
Yeah, I do like you a lot, I like your style.
It's like I've known you all my life.
Man, are you outstanding.
I'd even wear a T-shirt with your face if I had one
to honor your eminent name and enrich your fandom.
So you see it's bad for mental health
to tell people, especially ****** poetry junkies everything about yourself.
You know, I'd love your words even more
if I were you.
I mean, if you were me, bro.
Nonetheless, I am the victim of your art now,
like in a way you are of mine.
You just don't know it yet,
being trapped by the sense of mind
in the cage of space and time.
Hard to read it, huh?
Sure, you can read it, duh.
Nothing is impossible for you, superstar.
Don't be ******* your stans. It's not fair.
Oh, you're not? You love ‘em? Okay, then.
It’s just, being your fan can be a sweet dream or a nightmare,
from which they can't wake up so far,
‘cause it's so good to not quite understand
that they all can be their own stars.
So in their souls, they really all are.


Addiction

I keep coming back to your addictive personality,
'cause it's a part of me,
my personal reality
in a childish, stupidly struggling with my own aggression mentality
that pulls me in like gravity
of the synergetic, badly needed duality.
You are my dark shade,
angry and always hungry twin
in a distorting mirror,
a meaner reflection in me.
And you complete me and keep me on track,
even though it leads to a brain wreck,
violent calamity,
causing a permanent damage
due to the lack of virtuous verbal morality,
offensive obscene insanity
that almost makes you a possessive fiend,
***** devil, pure evil, the enemy of the humanity,
having fun, making fun of everybody,
making fans of them, including me.
******* my brains, instead of making love,
******* with this ****** up reality
you tried to get distracted from
through getting addicted to drugs, though.
You would substitute your depression
with substance abuse and excessive passion,
embracing your obsession
and balancing in the range of rage and compassion,
hurting people you love
because people who were supposed to love you, hurt you too.
That, I have enough empathy to understand
for one reason.
And I'm not proud of it,
but I have to admit
that, sadly, I kinda do the same
for the same reasons.
Shame on me.
You know, even if you try all the drugs of the world,
you won't find the true meaning of existence.
Most importantly, you'll get no love.
Yeah, youth gives you tons of opportunities to check your body for resilience.
As if killing the body can make the spirit stronger.
Too strong a spirit can spare your body of the aging inconvenience
so that you would have no more doubts about your divine power any longer.
Then again, I don't wanna complain,
but I find myself in your pain,
drowned in the inane feeling I can't explain,
running away from this stupid game
to feel not so lame and remain sane,  
trying to commit to the promises I've made to myself in vain
about resolving the main issue of staying in the same habitual refrain,
even if I have to abstain from your demonic music with diabolical lyrics
or at least change my name,
claiming to have found a new aim to regain my dignity.
It’s supposed to make me feel better, but it ain’t.
I hope I'm on my way to break free from shame and blame,
the flame of emotional lability,
still restrained,
being mesmerized by the vicious samsara circle of infinity,
this magnificent ouroboros
of the endless sense of gain or loss,
stored in countless stories about yesterdays and tomorrows,
in the illusory plot, written carefully for us,
in neverending, invisible time that everyone borrows.
Now, I don't mind being a fan of someone who's already dead.
But of someone who's still alive?
That's just sick, living legend.
Don't you think?
Would you like to know the date of your dying day?
Or you're afraid?
How would it change your life?
Would foreseeing the future make you wiser?
Yeah, your life is not my business, I know.
I should be focused on my own.
See, I start realizing
that I’m a sinner, ‘cause I idolize you.
How did I end up in your satanic cult without invitation?
Boy, do I look yet like I need to be exorcized
or just meditate and exercise
in a silent harbor of a life-saving rehab
after a highly enlightening, heart-warming, emotional intervention?
As if I'm possessed by the supernatural force of obsession
that wants to be expressed with an excessive passion.
You know what I mean.
Man, you've been high so many times
that you forgot how to come down.
An addict turned into a drug,
creating literally a dope art,
even if it's ironically about recovery.
But the only difference is that now you are your own god,
while your bible is a dictionary,
which kinda looks like another addiction to me.
And once you felt it,
you just can't help it,
'cause you're an addict,
master of intellectual lust,
brain ******* graphomaniac,
skilled to cerebrally *******
till reaching an intellectual ******.
You’re trained to write till the pain in your brain.
I do get that too, yes.
But I'd rather have *** till the pain in my ***.
You don't enjoy your life.
That's why you try to hide behind your stupid rhymes,
covering your body with tattoos,
head in hood,
trying on horns and hooves.
Man, you're a ******* rapper,
'cause you're not happy.
When you are really happy,
you don't need any reason or words to heal.
Misery begets more misery.
But how come your pain brings speechless love that I feel?
It's a **** mystery.
Do you wanna be loved now or remembered forever?
You bully yourself to stay hungry.
Man, I think about you 24/7
to feed my libido, be in love,
stay inspired 100%, and
believe that I can live now and survive later,
as I'm overinspired by my love for you.
I'm not sure if I want to be always this honest.
Do you want me to?
Would you take a leap of faith in my truth
rather than inspire hope?
I ******* doubt it.
You did your best to get into my head,
my jam-tomorrow dope.
Now you can't get out and
act like you don't give a **** about it.
The first reaction is usually, "Why the **** do I need this?"
And next thing you know, you can't help inquiring,
"How am I supposed to live now without it?"
You made me fall in love with you,
popped up in my heart out of the blue.
Satanically evil devil.
Diabolically saint Satan.
I'm high on you,
feel like I’m in heaven,
like I've never felt better,
not in this life, I haven't.
Yet, again, the best trip I'm having
turns into a massive crash of the system,
which is the side effect
of a major crush on you.
How the hell did that happen?
I wish it were just a squish,
‘cause I don't wanna be a part of your harem,
like you got no one better to do.
Oy oy oy, my bad, are you a nice, coy boy.
That's how it must feel to be the victim of a marketing ploy,
advertisement subterfuge.
But the toll we all have to pay
as consumers, trapped by an artificial but appealing rap decoy,
sometimes seems to be too huge.
You know, it's quite a toil
to use a troll as a *** toy
instead of a ***** or a *****,
‘cause sooner or later, you get annoyed
enough to turn a reader
into a writer, fighter for more freedom.
Fine by me.
It doesn't have to be a big deal, though.
Turn around, I'm here.
Boo!
I kid. Chill, it's just a joke,
and there’ll be more.
I know, to you, it's like a nice gesture.
Yeah, I'm funny like that,
such a clown, court jester.
See, the neurons, connected with you,
in my head, are so ******* fat.
I can't get rid of them just like that,
like you can't get rid of yours.
I mean those neurons,
responsible for your best singles,
favorite songs
that became your essence,
unwavering core,
ese, as endless rhyming essays
in the eternal spring of your solo soul.
So in the screaming silence of the solitude,
I lost my heart to you.
I’m wasted on yo’ bars.
You are amazing, dude.
I’m crazy about you.
It's so bizarre.
As your ambition was once to conquer the world,
mine is to conquer your heart and earn your love,
'cause you are currently my world.
My universe is you.
Well, *******!
Now, what am I supposed to do?


Fairy Tale

You can't force a person to see the world through your eyes,
nor is it possible to explain or describe
a three-dimensional feeling by means of words
unless your listener is familiar with it, of course,
‘cause while you are trying to convince an impervious fool,
there's nobody but you, as a rule,
to be receptive to the exaggerations of your word,
and at the end, you start to yell to get through as usual,
having convinced yourself even more.
But it sounds as if you are killing it like a boss,
making a mess of thoughts
I can relate to, 'cause
mine are similar, but yours are worse,
spectacular, but also ghastly, disgusting, crass, and gross.
Like grass, your **** grows and attracts flies and crows.
Nice choice of words,
looks like a can of worms,
bananas verbose neurosis,
but also awesome and so virtuoso.
Verbiage, verboseness, verbosity, verbosis
to show all the ******* who here the boss is,
rhyming circumlocution,
the freedom-of-speech revolution,
pleonasm,
the pleasant to ears associative redundancy of a word chasm.
It tastes so good,
even if it's a rhymeless wormy orange fruit
with a surreptitious core
I wouldn't risk foraging for food,
‘cause it looks suspicious, like a cute *****,
though, delicious till the very last bite
of the canned worm pie
on a golden wordish dish
with a red hot cherry on top that charms
as usual with the illusion of being in your right mind
and having the might to drop the mic
to paralyze and reward you with a cerebral ******.
And those bozos
who don't get it can **** your *****
and buzz off, morons.
Right? Just drop dead and permanently get lost.
I guess with this, you're blessed and cursed,
cursed to make crosswords out of curse words,
cursed to swear, spitting rhyming slurs,
hurting others’ feelings with your screaming street slim slam poetry about how Shady did it,
hidden in your diabolically crazy schemes,
arising from infuriating poverty,
just ‘cause that's how real this **** feels.
Well, duh. That hurts.
I didn't realize it at first.
Now I admire that you don't get tired
of trying to describe it,
Although inspiring,
it can be hard and unfulfilling,
but you're a fighter.
Rap god, living in us, you are one of us,
Houdini in a hoodie, who disappears whenever he wants,
hides under the hood, behind the bars.
It looks like we're on the same page.
I'm full of fierce rage,
balancing and cutting myself in half on a rough, iron, sharp edge
rather than in the golden middle between the extremes of the dualistic system.
You're on the rampage,
use your finesse to impress
for the sake of success.
Chasing perfection, neither can I finish writing this verse,
nor return the gift and close Pandora's box,
a perplexing, puzzling paradox.
I gave up. I can't stop
I'm in deep funky ****,
literally drowning in it,
taken, smitten. I'm ******,
apparently, permanently stuck,
and deeply, irreparably ****** up.
It seems to be as long as my life
with no dead ends and a deadline in the end of life,
a fantastic dream within a dream I'm in,
a fairy tale my soul comes in
to make love out of war
and die after ****** with an eternally grateful smile,
as if I'm sentenced to doing my time
writing sentences and lines in rhyme for life.
And I don't wanna do anything else.
What for?
Do I have to? Who cares?
The limit is the sky,
where my head stays
for a while.
Here I dwell in my fairy tale.
Why?
Why do I pursue unreachable perfection?
I don't know.
Why were we born?
Why do we live?
Why do we die?
Oh my, am I too high?
If not, am I creating a masterpiece or slowly losing my mind?
Am I like the butterfly that flies too close to the fire?
Why is it writing itself? What is this?
What the **** is this?
Can anyone explain it to me, please?
The prose of life with an empty purse
and pockets isn't my purpose.
Why the **** does it seem, then,
that the process of writing this verse is?
I'm inspired by everything at this point.
Every word is a potential trigger.
All I need is to pull it as quickly as possible.
Like literally, I hear a word,
and bam! My head is about to explode,
as if I am in God Mode.
Oh, no! Try to calm down, meditate. Doesn't work.
Should I meditate a bit more?
Yeah, sure. Why not?
Uh-oh, here we go again.
And I start to elaborate on the word that I've heard before,
turning it into the flow of rhyming thoughts
to the rhythm of my heart,
writing several verses at once
in different tongues,
both not quite civil, though.
I feel like I'm a walking poetry,
even better, a living controversy,
or an unstoppable stupid-genius oxymoron.
In fact, I've already gotten so high
that it looks like I'mma leave this planet far behind.
See, it sounds as if I was kidnapped,
taken roughly, though subliminally,
without preliminary tenderness or warnings
during napping,
unaware of what had happened,
like a precious princess
with a priceless soul of a dainty deity
and a diety, dandy, one-million-dollars-price silicone ***
by some kind of madness,
possessed by the destiny of a goddess and a demoness
in cahoots, en rapport with a rap poetess,
since I didn't start this emotional dance of the sense
from the cognitive mess
of the chaotic subconsciousness,
I think I can control more or less,
on purpose.
It was a coincidence,
like self-awareness,
for I am now the feeling,
one, alone,
at the same time, not at home.
There is, in fact, no me at all
or no meaning for all
beside the one that has found you.
It's your life, where you are free to move on.
I call it destiny.
Well, then let it be.
And who doesn't agree
can kiss the goddess’s *** for free.
You get the gist?
Please, don't resist the culmination of my made-up friendship,
I insist.
Sorry, I don't know why, but I just need this.
We are together in this sensation
that stubbornly persists to exist.
Would you care to accept the respect of a crazy fan and a frenzy friend, at least,
the affection of a hungry hunter, my rare and beautiful beast?
No? Man, all right, then, look.
I'll do all Cinderella's chores,
but I'll write a book.
It will be about you
and me,
and all people on the planet, actually,
for you to read, snuggled in a cozy nook.
I'm looking forward to
our virtual, romantic rendezvous,
where I'll leave you
with this shiny, glass shoe,
a virtual piece of me,
****** into the fairy-tale reality
you got hooked on already.
See you at the ball, my dark prince.
Face your fate on the day we meet.
Although it's blind, with no specific date,
don't be late, babe, please.
And, hey, just in case,
you may need to call for a priest.
No ****. As my first chore,
I've sewn my bootyhole,
‘cause princesses don't ****, don't ****,
and don't get old.
Or I'll just kiss a frog and see my pumpkin turn into a car.
Or even better, kiss me, and I'll wake up.


Stan’s Shadyverse

It's time to overcome my fear of you to disappear.
Your music flows already in my blood,
like a virus or a drug.
The ***** voice I hear,
your witty tongue, caressing, kissing, penetrating my ear,
touches my heart.
The devouring power
grabs my soul and drags it to the black hole of art,
the void of desire
that unavoidably draws a butterfly to the fire.
What a cruel life satire!
It's so **** beautiful
and looks as though
I'm literally about to see god,
even though I know I'm not.
I'm not that dumb,
just dumb enough
to think I am too smart for that.
I hope I won't lose my religion and not starting to write a new bible,
'cause what you sing and write,
it feels so right,
an enlightening bright ray of light at night
in your every single new album.
I love the way you tell your truth and lie.
I love the way you blow my mind,
causing something similar to euphoria,
the whole body's ******,
such a great pleasure. Oh, my!
But it sounds like you pay for this with your excruciating pain.
It comes to my head, screws my brain,
turns me on, and again,
rapes my mind.
You play me like a guitar.
In other words, I might say,
I love the way you sound,
like a little, fascinating, too loud tweety bird
in love, inspired in spring in the forest,
with a mellifluous voice,
who repeats again and again the same chorus
after a snappy verse with melodramatic words
and sings for the moment
of love that lasts as long as the bird’s song flows.
You don't want it to stop with the arousing desire to seize it, capture, shoot or record.
God, would I give it all to you,
if I were this kind of bird too.
However, the bird also yells a lot, spits, swears, *****, and mocks.
******* mockingbirds! They are the worst.
While I seem to express a meaningful feeling.
I mean, for some reason, it's very fulfilling
like a beautiful windy dance of a sense
and an emotion in energy motion
that doesn't even need to cling to words.
Still got a lot to stay severe about? So what?
There is no time.
You are now here with me, my funny, blue, serene forget-me-not.
With you, I feel no fear.
It sounds surreal, so weird, yet so astoundingly sincere.
In no way do I wanna hinder, or interfere.
But you complete me.
You brought me here.
Now I'm near you, I'm yours
in my daydream that feels so real,
so clear, so dear, so close.
Close the door, turn off your mind.
I will be soft and kind.
I give you my word.
Take off your clothes,
your flesh and bones,
expose your whole soul,
lose yourself in my world.
Come here. Calm down.
You are with me now.
I can't fake it
when I see you vulnerable and naked,
because being with you in the buff
makes me feel that I'm in love.
The ice, baby, break it.
Find yourself in the sea of my eyes, take it.
Here me out, acknowledge me, my god.
I want to be your peer without a doubt
or any intermediaries except one love,
that's free from a logical dualism between us.
I'm also standing on the stage, although behind the scenes,
clandestinely, as no one can see me.
As though I’m destined to persevere in
expressing myself in this verse.
Can I impress you like you impress me? Just curious,
reluctant to confess to a tempting attempt to sin.
I think it's innocent but serious,
the best delirious experience
I've ever felt with you within,
inside my mind, under my skin,
between reality and a 3D dramatic dream.
I mean you and me in
my strong, magnetic, parallel, shady Universe.
Or is it just a wrong, too long, pretentious pseudo-song that makes me furious?
I guess I'm not talented enough to be brief.
Not even close.
On the other hand, I prefer my ****** to never end
and to spread the ecstatic light of my love as far as possible.
My thoughts are just too concentrated into one sharp point or a sticky, thick ball.
They have to be diluted with water
to be baked as waffles.
In addition, God opened my skull
and made scrambled eggs of my brains
to be served on a silver plate with trifles.
What a savory course, delectable meal,
too enlightening, delightful, and intellectual even for me
to be cooked, gulped, and pooped into a gold bowl.
Being an amazing, captivating puzzle
and attractive word construction,
it can bewilder and bedazzle,
bamboozle, distract from the world destruction
which is pretty scary,
like a bad dream,
a realistic nightmare, worth hiding from in a daydream.
So I cling to this shady verse not to forget it
so that I don't have to feel sorry for myself later and ******* regret it.
Follow the white rabbit.
Do you get it?
Neo, take the right pill.
Be the creator of your own reality inside the matrix
you see in 2D,
because you know that in the other reality is the other you.
Switch your attitude,
shift your mood.
Paradoxically as it may sound,
to stay adequate in this reality,
you gotta get higher,
go beyond its boundaries,
zoom out,
and see it from outside for a while,
reach for the opposite extreme
and feel grateful for the opportunity
to increase the potential for further growth
and follow your dream.
Lose your mind for some time,
as if you are madly in love,
eager to give yourself to this feeling completely.
It's also fine to be in a surprised state of mind,
like when through humor or inappropriate ******,
you are freed, shocked, flashed, or mooned by someone just for fun.
Overcome the fear of leaving your comfort zone.
Lose yourself, but not for too long and too far
lest you get used to the new way of existence.
Keep the balanced distance
so that you could come back
before you forget how to be found.
You're allowed to do crazy things in your dreams as opposed to reality,
'cause you're basically unconscious,
I suppose, to get the full access to the freedom of will for your avatar,
when you are free from the system of rationality
and don't even notice being surrounded by nonsense.
When I OD on my dream, it engulfs me
and I become its slave.
But I can't bear the unbearable spirituality,
the thrill, filling my brain,
blowing my mind,
bearing me out of reality,
as if I'm inside and outside at the same time,
tripping to a new dimension,
blinded by it, like a mole on the concrete floor,
looking for salvation.
Just so you know, well, you know,
it has the power to burn, devour, and wipe you off the face of the Earth.
The mechanics is quite obvious.
When you overdose, the system registers errors
and the crash of your overwhelmed brain that can't keep pace with your thoughts.
It activates the programs of negative hormones to make you feel bad
so that you know that your good doesn't work.
So when you feel too good, it's bad,
'cause having fallen over the brink,
you may think you're still on board.
Yet, you find the opposite extreme
of life, which is the state of affect, in fact.
And you're toast. That's all.
Man, you can talk about this state of consciousness,
being in another one, as much as you want.
But all your words will stop making any sense,
as soon as you return to the first one.
So don't rock the boat.
At some point, you'll lose control.
This dope makes you, dupe, say "smart" stuff.
But every time, you, wise guy, somehow turn out to be Captain Obvious
with a perpetual motion machine, unstoppable engine in his ***.
And you present the obvious as the truth,
simply ingenious for you.
Yeah, sometimes I come up with smart things.
Well, they are not that smart, to be honest.
Also, being too smart in a stupid place can be pretty lonely.
So I find the right words to feel comfortable in this inhospitable world,
apparently, ruled by idiocracy,
pluck them right out of my dreams so I can grow
out of mundane mediocrity.
When you treat reality as a dream, though,
who enjoys all the freedom?
And what if he wakes up?
Will he remember it to read it?
Like he'd ever have any sentiments
for this epic monument to his character and his feeling.
Reality is relative, conditional.
It’s real only on condition that you take it seriously.
Are there other realities?
Do they really exist?
Any alternative reality proves that this one isn’t real.
And when you are in an alternate reality, you feel this.
Does it set you free?
There are many realities. Love is one.
Don’t forget to have fun.


Baby Steps

This piece of art is full of deceptively smart,
discombobulating, bombastic aphorisms,
idiotic idioms,
Sancho Panza's *** wisdom,
mind-puzzling tongue twisters, corny metaphors,
oversatiated with the false force
of never satisfying rhyming words anyway.
I'll eventually throw it away someday.
But not now, no. I won't leave it alone.
I'm not ready to let it go.
Although I know I am being greedy,
and I agree, duh, I do need it,
I am still thrilled to read it.
I don't want to part with it,
as if it is a part of me, and I'm a part of it.
This rough, raw draft is like a flimsy raft in the sea,
that goes with the flow to stay afloat,
not to drown and dissolve,
but to swim.
Yet, simultaneously,
I definitely gotta direct it somehow to where I need it to be,
approach the destination of my destiny,
where desperation’s unknown
in the dead silent pause
before the deafening squall of applause.
But now it's still a crass lump of sugar, slowly melting,
being imminently washed away by water in raccoon's paws,
slipping through fingers words,
filled with the meaning,
leaving me with an inexplicable feeling,
the majestic, magical sense in the system of the pure mind,
filled with glow,
a precious stone, almost stolen by a crow,
I enjoy watching.
But looking closer, one may notice
it's just a useless piece of coarse glass,
dirt, scooped up from the bottom of my soul.
I literally litter literarily,
drastically sarcastically spiritually,
a poet, obsessed with my own poem,
sick freak, losing my mind for a moment,
overachieving geek, falling in love for the first time
from the first sight with the first lines.
It could be called poetic, if not intimidating.
It's unforgivable. Can I forget it?
Maybe, not to be too crude straight away,
I should consider baby steps and gently start the process,
at least, with words first, let's say…
"Will you kindly ***** up your courage and hold it together?
What is the matter with you?
Are you insane?
******* ******,
it's not funny, nor is it funky.
Bite the bullet.
Stop it, stupid. Wake up,
star-struck dumb ****,
messy, ***** missy,
*****.
Get real, naive dreamer.
Just lose it, change the ******* music,
deluded miserable loser!
It's hard to grow up. So what?
**** it up.
Face it, ******* ****.
Cope with it, stupid ****.
Just so you know, toilet poet, this mediocre ******* doesn't mean anything to me.
I don't give a ****, *****.
Toss it to the garbage.
To my mind, it's so disturbing, makes me cringe.
Stop wasting your time, acting like a system's glitch.
What, you stupid?
I'm putting my foot down, lousy clown,
******* ****** ***** *****.
Let it go or get lost in your god
and leave me alone."
"Well, if you say so…
On second thought, no, I won't.
Respectfully, I disagree.
You want a piece of me?
What, you smart?
No, you're not.
You're just an ordinary idiot.
Uh-uh, shush, do not interrupt.
It's my turn now, I'm talking. Zip it.
I have a piece of advice for you too.
How about you shut up and eat me.
Now I suppose I got beef with you.
Is that what you want? *****, please.
What is the matter with ME?
Are you for real?
So much for the champion of morality.
Good God, what's the big deal?
You have got to be kidding me.
Or are you really some kind of ******, *****, or a imbecile?
And who the **** are you to judge me?
What the hell is wrong with YOU?
What are you ******* about?
Why do you care for preaching,
when you don't even like to teach, huh?
Must be some kind of breach, though.
If you feel so estranged from me,
why don't you build a bridge and get over it?
In any case, I don't need a teacher.
I'll learn on my own.
Should you still gonna teach me,
trying to beat me with the heavy artillery of a tough rhyme,
can I have this class on advanced rap really fast?
'Cause I don't wanna lose my time.
Otherwise, if I do, I'll make you go through some tough times,
'cause this time you'll have to deal with MY really rough rhymes.
And if you absolutely need to know,
I’m not insane. I’m in love.
Yeah, I know you think it's the same, but it's not.
So knock it off, *****, enough.
Shut your stupid big mouth and *******.
***** you, tactless, unthankful, insensitive fool.
Oh, yeah, sure. Now you're so mature.
Cut me some slack, judgmental prima donna.
Without me, you'll feel empty and so lonely.
Just so you know,
I complete you, make you whole.
But I'd be cool without your concern, yeah,
and your pathetic rebuke.
I make you cringe?
You make me puke,
'cause you're getting my goat now.
And in my humble opinion, **** your opinion.
It's not even critical.
You're just being mean,
too subjective, basic, and hypocritical.
So take it back, or you'll regret,
'cause I'd be glad to shove it into your throat
to finally shut your ******* piehole.
On the other hand, thank you for your opinion.
I'll take it along with my own
and gracefully balance between them.
FYI, you can only pry this verse out of the dead grip of my corpse, dumb *****.
Throw it away?
Are you ******* insane?
Listen to yourself!
What the **** are you saying?
Bite me and thanks a bunch,
******* very much
for your ******* questionable,
supposedly encouraging, rather enraging,
arguable, pep talk,
so-called "motivational"speech.
Hogwash!
Go to hell and **** yourself,
get lost before you bite the dust,
gut-wrenching, nagging leech.
Or I'll make you put your ******* foot
in your filthy mouth
and won't let you take it out,
hold it till you swallow your own *****.
How does that sound?
I'm through with people telling me what to do.
So go take a flying **** at a rolling donut.
I'm standing my ground.
If after all this, you still think that you won,
you must be a ******, believe it or not.
Well, you may believe whatever you want.
Let me be honest with you.
I'd like to enlighten you too.
I don't even need to prove you wrong,
‘cause that's what you prolly already know on your own,
though only subliminally,
since you are the one
who still wants to say something to me.
To my mind, you are out of your mind,
'cause it's not only yours, it's also mine.
If you don't see me any longer,
so long, then.
In my god, I'm dissolving."
Ok, that's it. I'd better get over with this ironic moronic controversial converse,
steeped in speculations, exaggerations, and, possibly, false accusations.
I'm done talking to me and myself,
don't know how else it's supposed to be said.
All I know is it's not supposed to be sad.
It's supposed to be fun.


Fake Poet

So **** being normal.
I, too, want to get through the time portal to become immortal alright.
Though, be careful what you wish for, right?
I don't like to hurt people's feelings,
but I'm tired of casting pearls before swine.
It's venial for an artist to love his ego because he loves his art,
created by his personality which he also sees as a work of art, while
an author has to love his character so that the character should be alive.
That's why you create your alter ego as your best friend in your own image.
And since the observer can't be observed,
like the feeling, owning you, can't be analyzed,
this way, through co-creation, you talk with God.
****, that's ******* high Sci-Fi,
not stupid Fan-Fi.)
Well, all artists are ****** up.
So welcome to the club,
home for talented human beings
with the divine energy inside
so you could imagine that you could see yourself from afar.
Yeah, I probly need a shrink, but I can't afford it.
And you know what? I think I actually don't even want it.
Neither do you, as your lyrics are your therapy.
I'd like to be among contented people,
people, interested in me,
loving me for who I am,
not for who they want me to be.
I try to keep people I like around me
and the light inside me.
But if I have to encounter negativity,
I know now, the best protection is to not give a **** about it.
There are no normal people on this planet anyway.
And it's okay,
'cause no one can be objective, being enthralled,
lost in an enslaving illusion, and this is normal, but at the cost
of critical thinking, common sense logic, of course.
Nor there's, unfortunately, any other mental institution, big enough for everyone.
Thus, paradoxically, it becomes normal
to lose marbles and get bonkers,
not to hear each other,
wearing space-suits of personal bodies.
At least we can have some fun
one way or another.
As verbal misunderstanding leads to endless self-expression.
So you can annoy and bore someone to death with your profound explanations.
See, there's no use of judging anyone
except for yourself, to whom you always have so much to say.
OK, I'll hold on to it for a while, let it stay
till this bunch of stupid words still makes my day, makes me smile,
also excited and even ecstatic,
because I'm probably an immature amateur and a frantic fanatic
quickly crossing the line without brakes,
'cause something's wrong with my brains,
overwhelmed with feelings spilling into words,
losing sight of the point of no return
or only pretending to be frenetic to look more charismatic,
merely playing the leading role of my own show,
at the same time, enjoying it, sitting in the front row,
covering the existential horror
of being engulfed by a disappearing feeling
with trash in my mind, waste of my animal soul,
hiding from problems, irreversible losses,
remorse, and sorrow behind my poems,
'cause, to be honest, it's frighteningly a lot to swallow.
At least, I have the strength to admit that I'm weak.
You, too, know it.
I may be a failed philosopher, artist depicting himself, if you will,
a fake, dead poet,
who, gazing in jaw-dropping amazement at the scary beauty
from the mysterious extraterrestrial tree of poetry
through spiritual ******'s eyes,
meditatively observes peacefully gliding swallows
and whizzing, gleefully squealing like little monkeys, weightless swifts,
deflecting thoughts from the constant, ruthless struggle for survival,
striving for life, fight for the right to exist.
I always notice these little joyous moments I can't let go of,
charming moments of bliss.
I try to capture them in persuasive, virtual words,
a recursive parody of fractals, shiny kaleidoscopic gems
of shattered glass, alas, to no avail,
catch the evasive, lucidly illusive, evanescent sense,
hidden behind the veil
or resurrect the piercing, genuine, ephemeral feeling,
recreate it as if I can remember it, while it always keeps saying farewell,
leaving me confusing cause with consequence,
perplexing reflexing, which coincidentally helped once survive
and became a perpetual part of a limited by it, endlessly enigmatic life.
It can make you stronger, traumatize you as well,
'cause it's as fast as pulling a trigger to exchange paradise for hell.
When I was a kid, I used to collect beautiful feathers,
as symbols of freedom,
dreaming of building wings
to fly to the star by the name of Sun
and see the world from afar one day.
Growing up, I'm collecting enchanting words
in the hope that I'll find the way to create a magical spell,
as if I'm afraid to lose the key from the lock on the door,
behind which there's the whole new world
I’ve never seen before.
Any professional manifestator was an amateur dreamer in the beginning.
Well, you know.


Love Free ****** Humor

Yeah, no ****, you don't say! I can tell.
I seem to be so wise sometimes.
Being kinda kind, I am not wise or nice,
but when people see it in my eyes,
I don't mind also being polite
and lie, as I simply like to look likewise,
hiding my passion inside.
Lie, thinking I'm telling the truth,
lie to myself and to you.
I know I'm not the brightest star in the night sky.
Ah, come on, don't try to prove me wrong.
Don't be stupid, I'm not that smart,
albeit a little offbeat.
I'm even not too smart to be a ****,
because I'm
a kindhearted person,
although a bit bothersome.
Well, how you like that?
Not bad for a horrendously cynical humorist.
And you know who a cynic really is?
As one of the greatest comedians said,
a cynic is a disappointed idealist.
At least I'm an honest hedonist
prone to fall in love with egoists,
selfishly believe false empathy.
It's so simple and obvious that it's ingenious.
With you, I have the same ironical paradox,
as you are a free-spirited misogynist according to your controversial songs.
However, in all fairness, to avoid double standards, of course,
for the sake of argument, in other words, equal rights and feminism,
it's worth mentioning that women, too, can certainly be mean.
Apparently, one of them would be me.
But since you have the same shady clown as I do,
you know I only kid now here,
deep down inside, I'm good and kind,
like we all are sometimes.
But seriously, all jokes aside,
women are not that bad as stand-up comedians,
if you don't mind a feminine kind of humor,
which is supposed to be kinda kinder.
You may call it weaker, dumber,
ladies’ witty-******* jokes for losers, suckers, soccer mamas,
which is not very nice of you.
However, in general, it might be true,
provided, of course, that there are humor kinds.
I think there are none.
There are many opinions about being fun,
while humor is one.
Neither does rap need to be defined
as poetry,
‘cause it is to me,
to my mind.
And for the rest of those who don't agree,
as home-grown critics and housewives,
I guess they, too, are quite all right.
Other than that, a woman is your problem one plus ninety-nine.
Yeah, women are mean, I mean. But that's fine.
And together with you, we are a humble, big god’s sneer at humankind.
Isn't it weird that made of a rib, having bitten the ****** apple, the first woman
was stupid enough to turn an ape into a fully fledged human?
Life is funny as it is.
What if God was one of us and had to deal with egoism?
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
We all live now in the era of postmodernism.
There's nothing new under the sun, dude.
Only the way to express yourself, subdued by a convincing fleeting feeling,
trying to shoot for the moon, I assume. Feel it.
It's not an invention,
just a euphoric wide-eyed eureka sensation,
out of zero and one, pile of combinations
of notional and semantic hallucinations
due to the lack of meditation
in the infinite number of unique situations,
miracle-like lyrical elevation,
limitational imitation,
metaphorical *******,
sensational manipulation,
emotional liberation,
manifestational motivation,
pang of inspiration,
another recollection in your consciousness,
the figment of god's imagination,
spiritual *******
through brain stimulation
in the verbal life simulation,
Captain Obvious.
Nice choice of words,
looks like a can of worms.
Just a verbose neurosis, of course.
If not, I need a good doctor for the right diagnosis, I suppose,
in case I was misdiagnosed.
So stay out of my head.
Well, since you are already here,
don't stay in my head for too long.
I'm afraid you'll be drained,
'cause my graphomaniacal brain is insane.
Oh well, what the hell, yours is the same,
so I guess this is how a wordy-nerdy, ironic neurotic
makes love to his narcotic.
It's so poetically ******
for an oxymoronic introvert,
trying to find the balance
between extremes
in a sparkly dance
of a whimsical weasel, hopping in front of a rabbit,
distracted by hypnotizing patterns
on boa’s skin.
I must go higher than that
from the basement,
where I muss thoughts in my messy head,
like a neurotic tousles hair.
By the way, that would be me as well.
There, I admit I write, I'm a freak,
and I don't care.
Although you might want me to wear a disarming straitjacket
so I'd become a complete wacko,
be careful and gentle with me.
I can be too free and open-minded.
Mind it.
I mean, you have no idea what depths I can get into.
But most importantly, can I get out when I'm in, or do I even need to?
Though, I don't condone a ***** brain ****
that's gonna blow up with an aggressive verbal *****,
surfeited with angry testosterone.
Come on, man, at least, please, put on a ******.
Yeah, I'm a ***** funky ******,
sympathizing with a sly Mona Lisa's condescending, stranger's smile at first,
bursting into sinister, Homeric, hysterical laughter of an old friend after,
snaring you with a snarling, daring smile,
the product of a cynical life satire,
making you lose yourself without a trace.
Boy, I wish I could bear this unpunishable feeling
of wearing the grim, evil grin of a villain on my face.
I hope I'm allowed to laugh out loud
at everything, especially at myself.
Isn't that what humor is for?
Not just for laughing at others to feel better about yourself.
That's too shallow.
Life makes you get up to the next level,
cuz it ain’t getting any sweeter or fairer.
I feel in this self-irony, there is always real, iron me,
like real chocolate is bitter.
Yeah, I hate this fake sweet, milk, sugar ****.
The more bitter, the better.
In truth, humor is always dark, without sweetener
so that you can be free as a word
that may be harsh and sharp as a sword,
but also kind and soft as unconditional love of a strict mother,
which is the best reward for being hurt,
as if it's an award for being heard.
You know, this kind of love
when you give your all,
including your life,
to save your child
and do your best
to take care of your pet
because you love it.
It's not the same with women, I guess.
Sorry about that.
But I don't care if you were surrounded by seductive witches,
bloodsucking *******, and other supernatural creatures
you have no love left for.
It's not an excuse to give up on love, bro.
She will never give up on you,
as long as you believe in her.
To love and be loved by your woman,
you both just need to have the same sense of humor.
That's all.
See? The formula is simple,
like everything genial is.
And what do you do, genius?
Man, look at you.
You wallow in your philophobia and hate love you can't get rid of
for your ex to see
that you, too, are capable of misery,
trapped in your own house,
a prisoner of your fortune,
tortured by fears,
head over heels
in evil love.
Experienced as you might be,
you can't just **** it off.
It chases your graphomaniacal, necrophilic, cannibalic, diabolic kamikaze’s dead ***, regardless of your sins.
You can't get rid of your empathy.
I get it. You don't like to look like a fool.
And love does make you feel stupid and look pretty foolish, for sure.
It turns you into a silly, paranoid idiot,
who smiles but can't let go of the thought
that he might need an antidote.
You feel dumbfounded, stupefied, surprised, and at the same time stressed,
as if you have a finger in your ***.
“Am I having a panic attack?
*******! What the ****?”
In addition, you get immediately addicted,
dependent, vulnerable, and sick, bro.
And this addiction causes a cognitive contradiction,
when you lose marbles behind your head's cogs.
How does it make you feel weak,
when it's supposed to make you strong?
Maybe the angle from which you look at it
is wrong?
Being single, like a god, you are potentially with everyone.
Love doesn't have to weaken you
or necessarily be a disaster or a collision.
You can sound perfectly good in unison,
albeit not for long,
if you again prefer the game to love.
I, on the other hand, can't help following this awesome feeling.
I love being in love despite the fear of falling out and being left sore.
And I love you for the same thing I hate you for.
Adorned with gloating goat's horns,
a morose sulky-faced great poet and a grim rapper I adore
turns into the great Grim Reaper
that equalizes all divided by different gods people,
who are stuck in the holy ****** trinity of evil ill stupidity,
living on behalf of the golden calf,
dying in the name of love,
awaiting miracle from nowhere to nowhere
for the sake of Jesus ******* Christ
or some other god. Right?
Whoopsie-daisy!
This is egregious, insulting, and crazy.
I'll be ****** or crucified by medieval evil people
if you don't shut me up fast!
Yeah, y’all throw your stones and torches,
pitchfork me and scorch me.
Burn the witch, dying for love and your sins,
who deserves your tortures.
The weaker *** is strong through love
and through its nature, makes its fortune.
Wait…
a minute.
Hold the horses, *******!
Are you really gonna burn me?
****, **** this planet!
Do I look like a strong, confident, **** woman,
who knows what she's doing?
I guess, it's best to be famous without showing your face,
‘cause as soon as people see your face,
they start chasing your ***
for multiple reasons,
such as:
for some people, for instance, some of my words may sound disgusting.
They just fear believing they're flabbergasted.
You don't wanna be one of them fools, trust me.
These things might be not simple
for understanding by the majority of people,
‘cause it's sorta absurd.
A judgmental Christian is an oxymoron.
Saint hypocrites.
What, am I too straightforward for ‘em?
Can pigs fly, though?
Are aristocrats poor?
Yeah, it sounds insolent, but it's true.
Sorry, I tend to be rude,
when you are being mean to me too.
I know that I know nothing
and no one can know everything.
But everyone can go **** themselves
and be self-sufficient.
Of that I'm sure.
Maybe we should shift the perspective,
find the right or better point of view,
and change the attitude?
The world is full of idiots. So what?
The world is full of idiots, old farts.
You don't want to be inside this farce.
But just in case, get ready to go nuts.
Even a guru can become a doddering fool, though.
Why is it like this? I don't know.
Because life is a joke?
So be grateful for this humorous energy, even when it's aimed at you.
Try not to be too indecently arrogant a genius
who has nothing else left to do
than to shoot himself,
'cause he's surrounded by ******* idiots and degenerates.
Thanks for support, your painful honesty of a bulldog,
the way you bogart the way to the fame you hate,
your boundless kindness, Your Highness
or Majesty, or should I say,
incredible, phenomenal, omnipotent, iconic rap god.
Why do you love to laugh at people's vices,
like a big fat hungry troll,
sitting with his smart ***
on the fence of a deep defense,
which is the best as a good offense.
Why can't you be as nice as, for instance, Jesus Christ, though, bro?
It's not that hard, after all
with your free mind, open wide so.
Aren't you tired of your own satire,
trying to satisfy your always hungry mind,
and being a king, constantly proving the right to the crown?
Now, look what you've done.
Why would you need to spoil all the fun, sad clown?
Because you are the smartest one?
So smart that no one understands you.
Man, you might be writing stupid thoughts
due to the intelligence overdose.
No one can cancel your show or fit in your shoes.
Does Slim’s rest in peace deep under the ground make you less depressed
or serious as a cardiac arrest?
Maybe you are too smart even for rap.
Perhaps you could put your brain to good use
by locking yourself in a rocket scientist's lab.
Oh my God!
Does it have to be this hard?
Why is making a point for you like doing a stunt?
I would make it easier,
if I were that smart.
I get that. It's a self-defense mechanism.
If you absolutely must, I'm all ears.
So you do your own stunts, huh?
All right.
Does it make you feel satisfied
or a little better than an ordinary grumpy grandpa, old ****?
No, yeah, you're right.
You're not that old.
That's why you snipe with snarks as a snide snipe,
but, like Wesley, still precise,
till your enemy runs out of ammo, or it backfires
so hard that you wish you carried a gun,
like you used to.
That's a shame, you now have none.
A fire marshal without a firearm.
Good thing I got one.
Lucky me, I'm not you.
Thank God, I can't fill your shoes.
What are you still doing here, old man?
Dreaming of being a digital avatar,
while even the paper you use to write on is not digital?
If you were older, I'd call you an ancient dinosaur,
and, instead of a Blackberry phone,
you'd prolly own a typing machine gun.
Aren't you a bit too old to troll solo?
Troll-lo-lo, it seems so trollop-like low,
bitter, pathetic, and shallow.
You troll when you feel bad.
And so you share,
trying to hurt someone to feel a bit better.
Instead, you're unaware of how it gets even deeper
and makes you feel weaker,
if it's not the trolling as art
that makes sense
and gives you satisfaction and profit,
like ***
for a ******* if she were your occasional girlfriend.
You'd sing her your songs.
She'd sing you her own,
filled with ecstatic moans
so you could spread her legs
along with your peacock's tail
ahead of the rainbow, to run,
as everyone here has no brain.
To the very last one, all are dumb.
However, just for your information,
on the way of looking for fools,
don't forget that you might be the one,
‘cause trolling, like humor, is often an unpleasant truth
you should be able to laugh at without judgement or justification.
And you may say you don't give a **** as much as you want.
But all ******* sooner or later
end up being torn to pieces by alligators,
as you already know.
Don't get me wrong.
I hope you don't think I envy you.
With my bird-watching skills,
I coulda been an ornithologist by now,
for your information.
If you don't wanna be alone,
baby, get down from your throne.
Or should you be higher than that,
well, then stay the **** god.
I wish I could help you, but you don't really want it,
and I cannot.
I guess I'm not a loser enough to be a hero
and unsolicitedly give you all I've got,
since, despite being overwhelmed with compassion,
I'm also full of ****, a spoiled, bad girl,
so empathetically selfish and special.
My body doesn't grow up anymore.
It can only grow old
until it's finally cold,
while my soul still keeps growing, though.
I feel my soul is already too big and too old for this world,
'cause it just doesn't fit into this *******,
man gets in through a ****.
Oh dear Lord, Holy Mother of good God,
how the **** can I say that?
So what?
I believe I can say whatever the hell I want.
Isn't that what we're supposed to have the freedom of speech for?
We need virtual evil
to keep the virtuous Utopia ideal
and find the balance between ‘em.
Boy, you, too, must be that impudent, testy, despicably obnoxious, squalid and perverse
to be worthy of your own words!
God almighty, have mercy on us, sinners.
See? We can be good.
Well, then, I guess, Jesus will just have to forgive us
providing, of course, we are truly sorry and are true believers.
Since we halfway to be saved,
let's play, I'm bored.
Not board games, though.
My self-esteem is so low,
'cause it's too high.
Play me hard.
Roast me. Promise it will be awesome.
Torture me till I'm toast, or I find the way to blossom
through concrete like a stubborn ****.
**** me, my friend,
like Kurt Cobain sang.
**** me with your words and tear me apart.
Go ahead, do your thang.
Poke a ******, sacrifice her.
Blow out her teeny-tiny brain.
Bake me, burn me in hell for my sins, god,
set me on fire, lord of the words
that you learned from comics
to enhance your performance,
ignite my mind and heart
with your satisfying voice,
make me, be my ******* boss.
Hey, **!
Not with a pitchfork, though.
What the ****, bro?
Easy. Yo, chill, man, will ya?
Why did you bring that thing, huh?
What, you're Aquaman,
******* Poseidon?
For real? Ha-ha.
Seriously, what for?
Does it make you drown faster
or give you the superpower of niceness?
No?
Well, feel the kick and fly, then.
Ah, self-defense.
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Your superpower is anger.
Okay, then, let's dance.
But what if I take the superpower of love?
Come on, man, all jokes aside,
I could expect anything from you,
like a rifle, knife, or a sword.
Yet, you brought that?
I thought, most of all, you preferred a chainsaw.
****, so I guess now I can't expect you to be nice
to my wise ***. I'm ****** anywise.
And yo’ **** will be engulfed by all my holes.
Sorry for the ***** metaphor.
I'm straightforward like that,
pierce with a pen, mercilessly gore,
write honestly, like a *****.
Oh, well, as well as you, so
don't mind my cussing,
'cause I like to sound beautifully disgusting.
Well, you know.
I just love this lingo vocabulary, vernacular architecture of slang,
cuz I was raised among gangsters and thieves
in the country of sorrow and tears.
It probly sounds worse than it actually was
because the past is in the past,
and now it is what it is.
I believe all words are good and equal like us, people by default.
Yet, it's hard to be hot,
when the context is hostile and cold,
when you are surrounded by cretins, criticizing everyone except themselves.
Wrong again, critics?
It’s not like the so-called “good” words are true,
and the “bad” ones are false,
as if it’s a war
of the words that you like
against those that you don’t.
So are they now a lie? Why?
Just because you think so?
But the truth is that often the truth is unpleasant to hear and to know.
See, these are the words you don’t like, though.
Everyone thinks according to the level of his sins.
Well, I don't give a **** what you think
regardless of whether it's right or wrong.
How can you, fools and hypocrites, limit art?
It's endlessly boundless in its variety, like God.
And there is no human mortality for God,
as the main art is life.
While your free will is limited by his plot,
it has no boundaries inside your mind.
I love each and every word I wrote,
like an ornithologist loves all the birds.
I love them all
equally in the context of my flow.
Word.
I'll show you why.
Check this out.
Here is the concept for y’all to trip on.
If the words are used, they are needed,
like the spectrum of all the feelings.
And if the words are needed, they are all equal.
Or you can pretend to be a xenophobic god
in your own fairy-tale sequel,
verbal Utopia, perfect world.
Well, I don't give a **** about censorship,
not gonna put up with some censurer's ****, God forbid.
I find censoring insensitive,
truth be told.
I wonder if there are utopias in any of the worlds,
and why everyone tries to drag you into their own.
I guess this **** is universal.
As for me, I think, Utopia might be possible
if everyone could eat their own ****.
Oh, if only everyone shat manna from heaven
and were happy with themselves forever.
So I use “bad” words in the right context and call it a joke.
I attire profanity in rhyme to refine the bad with the beauty of my mind.
And you can criticize it as much as you like, *******.
Guess what? I also don't give a **** about what you want,
especially if your sense of humor is at the level of an old ****.
What's the matter?
Too “kind” to notice the context behind the fence of the holy rightness,
‘cause, apparently, you are the best representatives of the whole humankind,
albeit a bit biased and blinded by righteous wrath towards “bad” words,
but always ready to save the rest of humanity with your perfect morality?
Go nuts. Be my guest.
Should you take offense instead of a joke,
it's your problem and your fault
if you don't dare to be free and bold,
having got used to doing as you're told.
If all you can is mumble, stutter, and choke,
I'll only help you with pushing your *** down the stairs
and stare at you stumble over your throat and fall.
And I don't care if you're scared or hurt.
Who said life was fair?
You'll always be its *****, fool, and a scapegoat.
So whatcha gonna do about it?
Fight it, pen in hand for a pistol to release pent-up bile
(epistula non erubescit, right?)
or suppress your pain until it subsides
in the convenient, cozy kindness of self-justifying lies,
being frightened?
Go ahead, man.
It must be exhausting to bear the burden of tears and fears
kept inside of you all those years.
**** ‘em. What's the worst that can happen?
Will your world have to endure the Armageddon
without deranged truth seekers, unhinged fairy tale believers?
Are you afraid of being burned in hell
or expelled from the league of imbeciles?
Drop the heavy load of guilt towards hypocritical sinners.
But if you can't face the apocalypse or find an argument,
don't start to argue, man,
lest you be trying to justify yourself again.
The devil lives in the details,
god in conceptual fairy tales
so that your life would look more meaningful and believable,
like a stand-up joke.
And if it's lethally funny, I'll laugh my *** off
till I have a heart attack or a stroke,
regardless of what you think, so no offense.
Take it easy before the converse stops making sense.
That's my truth.
It doesn't need to be proved
and doesn't have to be approved.
It's just my mindset, my worldview.
You can't be me. I can't be you.
Life is very funny if you have the ability to notice it.
Even after I die, my killing sense of humor will stay alive.
That's why we have immortal souls to laugh at our mortal bodies.
Yo, how come all the bad stuff is mostly fun?
'Cause humor is dark as death equally for everyone?
And without evil, good is hard to understand?
It's actually the essence of humor to laugh at fools from afar
instead of getting stuck with them in a joke, duh.
By taking offense at something clever,
you look stupid and deprive yourself of the chance to learn from it and reach a new level.
But the truth is, no one among even the smartest people
is smart enough to outsmart the deadly, evilly funny Grim Reaper.
So I don't have to be a saint anymore.
Let me be your slave of love, so to speak,
your insanely in love, queen Margot.
Set me free from the fear of being lost, come along.
You will be my Woland and my Master.
Seize the moment as if you can hold it,
like it's a masterpiece manuscript and you can't burn it.
Stop time, just grasp it faster
as though you are a magician pulling a rabbit out of his hat
to let it jump into nowhere,
turning into a crazy kamikaze kangaroo.
Like a reused ****** out of a rabbit hole, you pull off another last trick.
There's no magic in that.
Don't wanna be judgmental, but you're just a boastful monster and a slim slick,
good for nothing but a fling,
seen in a flick
on a big screen
in one hot, short love scene,
jerking me off as always, bag of *****.
*******, I feel the terminal stage of love still lasts, though.
Do you feel me?
I think you do.
I would sell my soul to you
if it weren't priceless.
Oh, man, not again!
Yo, this ****** up love is a ******* disaster!


Goodbye kiss joke

I gotta turn the page before it's too late,
and unrequited love inevitably turns into savage hate,
before I'm ****** into rage and end up in the stage of a vicious rampage.
I don't want to stay in the cage of a malicious fake fate.
It's not like I will shout about my feelings at the top of my lungs,
"Oh, I'm gonna cry right now.
Listen to me, everyone!
That's it, I don't give a **** or even a spit
at your tombstone.
I'm through with you! We're ******* done!"
**** your petty pity! I don't need it.
I should have gone away a long time ago before the **** hit the fan
and I got the loaded gun demanding more
from you than I think you can think
of who you really are,
word master.
Cut the crap.
Don't give me that horsecrap rap trap *******,
priggish, perverted, impertinent *******.
I'm full of it.
Half of your art is about showing off your art,
you arrogant, swaggering braggart,
wacky soul-’n’-mind-******* ******,
self-absorbed wanksta-poet, superstar, demure poser
composing your mind,
careless about mine,
soul-exhibitionistic imposer.
If I may ask,
are you comfortable with your ******* in your ***?
I think, I'mma just bust a cap
and **** the King Kong with a big ****
who claims to be the god of rap,
destroy the crazy dopest goat,
the best representative of hip-hop,
my dreary Moby-*******-****.
You're just a mythical ghost,
uncatchable Bigfoot,
deserted mirage,
stupid moon on a stick.
You don't own me,
'cause you don't know me,
you're not my homie,
and I don't owe you ****.
I'm not a part of your entourage,
not your groupie,
hanging on your huge, impossible-to-swallow ****,
who's so ******* lucky just to **** it.
Stop being so stupid,
big-headed, twisted ******* *****.
Sorry for being rude again.
But you don't expect me to be happy about letting you drag me into your retinue, do you, my man?
You don't deserve me. *******!
I don't wanna be your fan.
Sure thang.
You may think there can't be ex-fans of yours, like there are no ex-drug addicts.
Yeah, right. You wish. Why don't you write a song about it
to convince me again that you still can?
Can you, really?
I don't believe you.
I think you're lying. Are you?
As if people still require
your daring dire satire
with vile iron ire
and want to keep their eye on
your iron ginormous *****
too big for your pants.
Do they still write your words on the walls
and watch your wars
full of spite and wrath
till your last breath,
till life ***** you to death?
And the best part is, being ***** by it,
you have to take pleasure in it.
Real legends don't get old.
They burn fast like shooting stars.
You've had your chance and missed it, though,
having tried to compensate for it later
with the magnificent rehearsal.
Since no one was good enough to ****** you, so to speak,
**** you lyrically,
you did it yourself,
albeit just for fun.
What a shame.
Jesus died once again,
as a cartoon character.
Or is it another, shady Jesus Christ
as in, antichrist?
Or has Jesus Christ actually been killed twice?
Well, luckily, now I'm armed with a gun,
loaded with a shitload of rap crap
and ready to do some serious harm.
Even though it’s not a nuke or bazooka,
it’s still dangerously good-looking
a lot like a hot rod from God
or a bad, damaged ******.
Boy, are you stern and cold.
Thank God, not dead yet, though.
Seriously, man, can I offer my help,
immortalize and save your art
before it gets ugly, and you get cancelled
by some stupid cancer
so you could stay forever young?
Most people can't do it, pathetic peasants,
but you can, sir.
Let me set you free.
‘Course, I know, you're not that old,
though old enough to write a memoir
or shoot an autobiographic documentary,
and definitely old enough to wear a beard
to show the whole **** world
that half of you has disappeared.
"A beard is a symbol of wisdom," I heard today from a passer-by.
And here you are again,
a dreamy boy with a beard, trimmed slim,
resembling a promiscuous, shady lady, wild jade, luscious *****, succulent vamp, **** *****
with a wise *** and an unshaved ******
with the price tag of an arm and a leg,
mooning and flashing noble knights in shining armor,
lascivious transgenders, grafs ****-you-offs,
all kinds of ****, ******* midgets and ***** dwarves.
They are just looking for some nookie with a ******, for sure,
a ***** they can treat like ****,
**** a hot dame for a dime.
And now that your dream came true,
and you are the ****,
they all can eat you and die.
Oh, well, it’s so **** nice.
To minx or not to minx?
I guess, it's not for you to decide.
Boy, you must be such a wise guy.
Why?
Is your self-esteem extremely high?
No limits, huh?
What, you a god?
Duh.
Big deal, *****, so am I.
Ha-ha. See how you crack me up?
God, are you so funny and smart,
just walk and emit laughing but lethally poisonous gas,
cracking out of your cranky wise ***.
Dude, you are hilarious
and obviously wise enough to improvise with the smartest smart-*** rhymes in yo' freestyle,
the best emcee so everyone can see
the master of controversy,
the main character and the actor in one,
a white-trash intellectual rapper,
illiterate genius, pain in the *** wiseacre,
American dream *******,
who can use rap as a gun.
But that's not all.
The tip of the iceberg,
though enough for Titanic to go down.
I'm just saying it to you in case you didn't know, lord of ******.
Yeah, all women like to laugh at men's stupid, obscene jokes, spiced with ******* slurs
till they don't even notice how they're being laid already and treated as they all deserve, as ******* ******* hos.
By the way, grandpa, how's your sight, sugar level, and blood pressure?
Must be not that bad, since you eat beets.
Sure, you’re still the greatest of old time, my precious.
Are you still young enough
for a one-night stand with your female fan
or at least for a kiss with your stan in love
right from the stage
to prove that the devil doesn't age?
Or have you changed and grown up
to not give a **** about getting old, my love?
You are getting darker than the eclipse
and brighter than the sun.
Don't burn me, falling in agony, please.
You look so lonely, 'cause you are the only one.
Wow, are you on fire
not only when you are on tour,
always worth the coin of the admiring rich and poor.
Be careful, don't burn off entirely, mon amour.
My tirelessly singing paradise bird,
my dear dark sire, saint lord,
I don't really wanna lose you too soon,
my king and my god.
Shoot! Sweet rap messiah, you're not dying, are ya?
Unless maybe just the hair
that used to be blond, now brunette.
What’s up with that?
At least you are not bald or gray-haired.
Man, even your abdomen's still impressive
for someone who used to be obese,
which is, in fact, quite an achievement, considering you were a scrawny kid.
Ah, come on now, you know I only kid.
So you got a little bit fat,
when you meditated and self-medicated your body with mom's spaghetti,
while being a depressed mess.
Compared to your super abs,
mine are fluffy love handles.
So you must have done hundreds of sets of fifty press reps,
reciting yo' baddest raps
mind-blowingly fast,
pretending to be a badass
so you could run thousands of eighth miles
in his shoes to look like you look now.
Sorry for my straightforward poetry.
But that's what I love to do the most,
although sometimes I can't control it,
the mean, itchy urge to troll someone.
I know, I act like an immature clown.
What you gonna do?
You gotta slay the dragon once in a while.
I believe I can **** the troll in me,
occasionally controlling me.
Unfortunately, the irony with killing a troll is that after you **** it, you become one.
So it's best not to even start saying anything to him in the first place
if you don't want this outcome.
Otherwise, it escalates
like the snowball effect, which, by the way,
also happens with your fandom.
Does it have to be this big a deal?
Now, I can see that you have succeeded,
but your expectations have been exceeded.
But only you are to blame,
‘cause you make too much fuss of yourself.
Then you complain about your fame.
How many times do you have to explain?
And why should I sympathize with primadonna's pain?
Are you ******* kidding me or yanking my chain?
Okay, then. Tease me again, please.
I'll indulge myself in one last princess's caprice
before I give you a goodbye kiss.
Besides, words are often useless.
If a troll is too annoying, just kick him in the nuts.
They’ll blow up, and he's gone.
And even if a snowman would happen to be the biggest troll of all trolls,
kick him with his own big yeti’s foot in his snowballs.
Well, what you know?
I guess, Shady is in everyone,
like God lives in us
along with our angels and demons,
a lost soul of a prodigal son,
created and forsaken by the Father
in the name of the Holy Spirit
for him to be found and saved by himself in the idea,
made up for believing,
banished from heaven,
abandoned forever,
deprived of his dead god’s love
to find his own.
Thus, two become one,
I mean two in one,
one, embedded into the other one,
forming a holy *******
in a dualistic system,
dualism in a trinity
with the central singularity -
the single moment of infinity.
Amen.
And I'm in it as well.
Wait a minute.
Why am I in it?
Love the game?
Why are we doing this, again?
Right, 'cause we have no choice.
Or I just like to think so.
Anyway, it's all your fault, my friend.
Yes, it is.
I cannot blame myself for your sins.
But I don't mind forgiving me mine.
Since the sinner is you, I am a sinner too.
So **** this! As you are one of a kind,
here is one last goodbye kiss on your soft lips.
Now, baby, please, get down on your knees,
beg for mercy, pray to spare your life
or kiss your *** goodbye.
But say it with passion, like you mean it,
so I believe you.
Say it, or I will **** you.
And I won't even miss you, reminisce about you,
feel guilty for this innocent crime inside my criminal mind.
And in case of being arrested and indicted,
I'll plead the fifth and be just fine.
So, have a nice rest (spoiler: five minutes left) of your life,
then say hello to my poetry,
and rest in peace in the hell of poetry, rappers’ paradise.
Man, I don't wanna dis you,
but since you kinda want this, I think,
I promise the last thing you'll see
will be me, writing here my thoughts of you, spitting a rhyme.
How can I possibly be responsible for a person I don't even know?
I don't believe I'm supposed to be. Why should I?
Calm down, diddums.
What's the matter?
You don't like to be dissed?
Well, then, I hope you didn't read
about this ugly thing I just did.
But if you did, do tell me more about this.
And try not to be mad at me, please.
You know I don't really jeer, just cheerfully tease.
Consider it my dissertation on the dark shady matter,
not sophisticated enough, maybe
to be philosophically labelled.
Will it stop you from spitting out your truth?
I'm sure you'll say no, won't you?
I thought so. I know it. I want you to be brutally true.
That's what I love about you.
I get that, I do.
You noodle, scribble and doodle, complain, skedaddle from your pain
to replace it with people's wheedling fondles, cuddles, canoodles
to feel worthy of their love again,
being just a crying for help, desperate for love *****,
sharing with them your diseases.
Hey, **, everybody wants ya.
And this drug is stronger, niggler.
It's worse 'cause it works without words.
Too much?
Yeah, well, I'm a natural. Thanks a bunch.
Calm down.
Will you relax, please? Jesus!
Even though you're a ******* **,
pregnant with yourself and your precious thoughts,
there is nothing to be ashamed of.
Yo, ** ** **!
There's nothing wrong
in being a holy-mother-of-god-ly horrifying *****,
immoral *******' horror.
But why the **** do you still need this?
When will you be finally satisfied?
When you have all the words rhymed?
Can't grow up?
Aw, poor thing.
The more approval from people and awards you get,
the more you want,
'cause it doesn't really give you anything,
can't fill your eternally hungry black hole,
greedy *****,
full of yourself, but still hungry.
Yeah, you go and hate that *****, fight it.
Make it right, causing mayhem, poetic justice riot,
'cause you can't satisfy it.
Now, I know it's not yo' fault
that you were born in this horrible world
with initial talents and sins in your genes, inherited from your parents,
as you know, the **** just can't fall far from the *** according to the physics laws.
Life treats you like you're a naughty, crying child,
and your mother doesn't give a **** about you,
'cause she's got used to.
Then you learn to appreciate it when you grow up
and feel evil love in a laughing child's suffocating hug
on kitten's neck that now belongs to you,
while you are still a whining sinner,
smart mocking monkey, offended by life,
pretending to be a winner,
drowning in the sea of guilty conscience,
justifying yourself with words,
cuz you can't swim in it,
going down on a sinking boat.
So now all that's left for you is to stand up for yourself and become your own god
who was so depressed because of being alone
that he created the whole world to feel love.
You have so many stories to say back to this world now,
‘cause it's you against the world,
with yourself, at war.
And you may call yourself a serial killer,
but you are not even a real sinner
if you still cannot
nail or crucify your god.
Dang!
See ya in hell.
Bang!
Booyaka! The *******'s killed by his ******* nuts stalker.
The Grim Reaper's buried under the tree of poetry,
which has grown right through this poem, his tombstone.
We'll see what I can reap out of this rap goats’ cemetery,
except for what I've already been bestowed upon
and, in fact, have sown.
Life's a short road from your mother's womb to the graveyard tomb anyway.
*******, I’ll prob’ly just end up lis’ning to yo’ hip-hop again.
Ah, whatever.
I've already sewn the whole reality out of trivialities
and wove the underwear out of clichés for you to wear on the stage.
Don't wanna wear it?
Really? All right.
What's the matter?
Stage fright?
Just kidding.
I know you can make a fool of yourself
and (smile) laugh your *** off on the inside.
Shoot!
Here comes the lunatic’s cadaver.
Don't worry, I'll resurrect you
after you've got dissected.
Abracadabra.
See? It wasn't that bad.
You're not really dead,
like your mom or your dad.
You’ve just grown up to be free from them now completely,
unlike me.
I kid. Come on.
Nor are you really resurrected.
Ok, I won't dramatize, or I may get traumatized.
I gotta stop, lest I be found dead in bed in my own house,
stabbed to death with your **** in my mouth
in a ****, unsuccessful attempt to shut me up.
My bad. I apologize.
Let's call it even
or love, even if it's evil.
I can sound not very nice at times.
I'm sorry if I was too honest,
sorry for all I've said before
and in advance,
for everything I'll say after.
You know I'll make it up to you. I promise.
My words will make you craftier and tougher
so that again I can unpurposely be *******
for stupidly not noticing when I am crude.
I'm not afraid of mistakes and difficulties.
At least, I'd like to think so.
What did you expect, though?
You are a rapper.
Every your fan is your potential hater,
hungry, greedy, disrespectful,
tired of waiting,
starting to love you, ready to hate you,
hatin’ lovin’ you.
Or am I wrong again?
Does it make me a fake fan?
Let's end it, step aside for a moment,
pretend that we can be normal
for some time,
that we are fine for now,
'cause it's pretty stressful to be obsessed.
So just in case, let's make it at least less intense
lest we get tired of too much offense.
We'd better go back to tender love
instead of rough, outrageous, brain-******-and-breaking ***.
Relax, I'm joking, not trynna shoot ya, **** ya, or choke ya.
Not really killing anyone here.
Just kidding, having some fun with you, dear.


****** Fan

Though, I don't wanna be attached to you
or infatuated about you,
being afraid to admit that I crave
but am scared of being touched by you,
as you also deliver top-notch romance in your lyrics.
It turns me on and turns into limerence,
the obsessive incessant necessity to be loved,
‘cause I lacked it as a child,
forsaken by God.
Perhaps I'm just being infantile,
while not too childish and cowardly to laugh at misery for real.
To laugh at the theater of the absurd from your soul,
you have to watch it, not play the role, after all.
I gotta get outta here,
forget this foolish nightmare,
pretending to be a sweet dream,
coming true for real,
from which I can't hide,
where my tearing and bleeding,
restless and curious mind
inside a decaying corpse,
oozes rapper’s bile,
loses time on rotten thoughts,
my ****** words versus yours,
empty, precious, mighty loud, diverse,
especially those that hurt the most.
It's just a preposterous verse
you can't stop reading,
artificial reality, imaginary multiverse
where I can feel real raw metaphors.
Nevertheless, it unfortunately deserves
to be called careless, embarrassing, and gross.
It drives me off the deep end course.
But it's also challenging, provocative, and bold,
though must be too controversial to be sold,
too deep, so deep that it’ll stay in me,
‘cause I'm writing my ******* bible
with the main character being the word god.
I have already written it, actually.
Although the Bible is free,
I prefer mine,
‘cause I'm done with reading, I write.
Besides, I don't like to read about others’ victimized, martyrized sacrifices
and catch various contagious interpretations
of other sick strangers' interpretations,
except maybe innocent potential sinner's associations.
I hope one day, I won't lie when I say,
"That's it. I'm done.
I don't read. I don't write.
I don't need this ****. All right?
Unless I can push out a real word out of my mind."
****, what a ****** fan I am!
Man, we don't have that much in common.
I'm not even a sports fan,
wearing Eminem's Jordans or jersey and boxing shorts as pajamas.
Being a shorty, I didn't make it to professional swimmers.
No biggie, neither are you a pro in basketball.
You chose a different career.
And while you now want to make it disappear,
like hopefully one day will North Korea,
I don't have one.
Thank God, nor do I have children.
What for?
So there'd be someone to bury you, but before,
they'd have helped you grow up into something more
than you are,
as you are being continued?
But they say, everything I see
is the extension of me.
So why would you need more,
when the whole world is within you?
See, I don't need to be a parent, apparently.
Nothing to lose, everything to win.
If I ever make it to Michigan,
I'll probly just get lost amongst street artists and enlightened bums
to be saved by your alternative to MacDonald's,
which, of course, is not a real restaurant.
As I'm prone to dicking around,
my head in the sky,
for instance, taking pictures of dumpster squirrels,
fat like hamsters,
black and mean like ghetto gangsters,
fast like Detroit Tigers and Lions
who, thanks to you, beat the Yankees and Falcons.
And here comes the harsh truth.
I'm almost sure I'm number two
because I obviously come after you,
let alone there's always someone
claiming to be your number one fan.
Besides, I don't even listen to your old songs anymore,
even the iconic “Stan”,
because first of all, I don't like them all.
Secondly, I'm too lazy to relisten to the songs I've already heard before,
when I'm busy with my own thoughts or get bored.
And I actually haven't even listened to all your songs.
Unfortunately, I don't have enough time,
‘cause there are too many of them, and I am one. Also,
I've bought only one of your disks,
not even vinyl
with a special edition cassette in addition
or a souvenir from your official store with your handwritten initials,
though it's mp3.
As for the rest, I downloaded them for free.
So no use of me.
I hope it won't make you poor, my dear.
Neither do I have my basement covered in your posters.
And I have never been to any of your concerts
to prove that I've been your superfan since day one.
Cinderella man, sorry for the worst form of disrespect
that an artist can expect from a fan,
for being broke enough to steal from you.
Of course, it's not an excuse.
If any consolation, at least I'm honest with you.
The truth is I became your stan in 2012
after I'd stumbled upon your album Recovery,
which was released in 2010.
Now I'm the age that you were back then.
But my fanaticism hardly would have happened,
hadn't I smoked **** and started writing again.
I even tasted your language,
which I liked so much
that my brain turned into a bilingual sandwich.
And then, twelve years later, the same **** happened again.
Relapse. Well, you know how it goes, man.
I've been writing this thing since then.
So it turns out, what draw me to you
was the combination of poetry and drugs.
Double dope doping causes extreme acceleration of dopamine levels.
But I tell you what,
when your brain melts, seethes, and starts dripping out of your ears, it *****.
You know it because you are just like me,
though not quite me
And this is just the way I am.
No offense, no grudge.
I am not whatever you say I am.
You are.
So don't judge
not to be judged.
I'm only human,
even worse, a weak woman.
But, you know what?
I believe, like you and me,
even Jesus was just a human being.
Yet, look what he’s become.
Story of your life, huh?
Sorry I haven't been with you since day one,
and got to know you better after you’d almost died
and been reborn.
Then again hit the big echo
as the death of your alter ego.
But I'm glad that it happened
while you're still alive,
unlike some other legends that were less lucky,
as I discovered them post-mortem.
I'm sure your fandom will continue growing as well, even without me.
Although I won't put your tattoo,
devil's mark, stan-stamp art on my body
or your picture on my wall,
there's always a place for you
in my heart and my soul.
As I am honored to be your idle admirer,
you're honored to take your place in my rap bible as my idol.
Of course, it's not like an iconic collab with Dido.
But it’d be cool if you did check this out before you really died, though.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know,
if you love someone, you should be able to let them go.
Don't worry. One day I will be your ex-fan
and (how do I put this? Ahem!)
you will be a fan of your own fan,
yeah, big time,
my number one fan,
the only one,
even though I don't belong with veteran rappers,
vetted in relentless battles.
Meanwhile, I'll procrastinate, manifest, and meditate,
unable to end this ******* poem
or rather a rap novel
till I reach my aim,
my fantastic goal,
even if it's too big for a small girl like me.
After all, the fact that I own a smartphone only to write all day long
has been already frowned upon.
I've even been warned and given a word
that, if I weren't stealth enough and were dumb enough to be caught
with the phone in hand again, next time,
it'd be taken by force without a warrant and smashed against the wall
for stealing my time.
Although I'm simply playing with words,
I know this kind of games can be dangerous.
I wouldn't exaggerate and imagine
that life was comic, if it weren't tragic,
unless you can prove that it's not true.
Well, I guess that is impossible to do.
It's not that I don't realize that my words are fraught with consequences.
Even so, I almost feel like nothing can hurt me now, and I'm gon’ live forever.
It sounds like sheer nonsense, nonetheless I do,
because at the most you will read this verse
when it’s perfect, or when you’re ready, I assume,
which will happen maybe…
uh, yeah, most definitely never,
or at least, you won't read all this any time soon
and won't say anything whatsoever.
So I'll keep playing my silent game either way,
pondering about pointless stuff to forever elaborate
on some stupid **** simultaneously,
making it look poignant and clever,
'cause even though I might be not good at, let's say, baking cakes or pies,
I do have a black belt in piling up rhymes.
In case you, however, deign to teach me some manners and whoop my ***,
spank me with your hard and heavy raps,
like I'm your bad girl, and you're my dad,
do it fast, if you must,
'cause my level by now is supposed to be advanced.
So good luck with that,
break a leg.
Oh, what the heck,
break the whole ******' neck.
Make me repent the sins of my pen
that inks more now about the future
than I think about the past.
Give me your masterpiece, please.
Show me your master class.
Okay, okay, I give up.
I kid, I kid, don't get up, kiddo.
Calm down.
It's not like I know aikido.
But it sounds good, ain't it?
Feels good too, *******,
‘cause this kinda martial art matters,
especially when you know what to do with all this talent.
It should have become a cakewalk at some point, anyways.
Otherwise, what's the point, though, right?
I gotta raise the bar, writing catchphrases,
fire a metaphorical gun, shooting punch lines in your face
right between the eyes
blow your brains out,
scatter ‘em all over the place
and expand your mind,
entering outer space.
Now feel the silence in the gaps
between thoughts,
where you meet god,
read between the lines,
tune into the magic Shut-up land
you need to be eventually
without raps and rhymes.
Everyone does.
Find your blissful peace there
for no more war
with yourself, please.
RIP so I could reap what I sow.
Master peace to become a true masterpiece.
And don't even try to rise from the dead, bruh, like eva.
You're no more of a phoenix, than I'm an ornithologist, after all.
Yeah, no, I'm not,
but I'm pretty sure, there is no such thing as a self-combustible bird,
dying on the pyre
of satanically hot satire.
You're not gonna arise from the ashes.
That's it.
So stop burning yourself in the fire of your own ****.
Burn in mine for a change.
Who knows? You may even like it.
Although, it actually sounds a bit too dashing and smug,
because, like a "normal person",
I've written the whole poem behind your back,
sharing opinions with others rather than
having my life at stake
risking to insult you face to face,
which, I hate to break it to you,
I'm never gonna do.
Boy, that would be a big mistake to make,
like ordering a beefsteak instead of a birthday cake.
Who would have thought I could create something for you that's hard to take?
What can I say?
Never say never.
I’d love to make people laugh
until they cry at the same time,
breaking their stereotypes.
I think it's funny when you are here now.
And then just like that,
****, you're gone.
A divine supernova bursts stark into a black-hole devil.


Evil Love

‘Course, I know you’ll always be my master, but it’s okay,
‘cause masters also depend on their slaves.
I think you understand that there would be no you as you are now
without me and your fans.
When you make jokes to yourself in your songs,
aren't you glad when someone believes you and sings along?
Gods exist as long as we believe in 'em.
And God is your witness, stans can believe,
as they feel love, no one can live without.
So they listen to your albums to and fro,
like it's your **** in their heads, moving in and out, bro
as if for foretasting and delaying ******.
By the way, what's up with your fanatical bots?
Man, you know, I don't ******* like it
when your butthead bot-like fans, cooking up their idol
out of themselves, insane impostors,
stupid rookies, a bunch of clowns with clone accounts,
pathetic imitators,
******* fakers,
******* impersonators,
poor sick dumb *******,
millions of ******* minions,
limitless hordes of tedious idiots,
boring unstoppable morons
seek for my attention and approval,
**** me off, and
at the same time make me laugh, 'cause
they keep mistaking me for one of them, your AA support group,
godforsaken flock, your army of lovers,
wrapped around your *******,
breathtaking, irresistible humdinger.
Be careful what you wish for, bro.
Now that you found your flock,
it will never let you go.
This phenomenon is called a personality cult.
You can't love everyone equally like a god.
Being everywhere, you are nowhere,
engulfed by Love,
like your rhymes in your notebook,
scattered around the globe.
The power you've got is too strong.
It holds you too and loves you back.
You could be something more
than someone who wants to rap
till 100 years old.
And now we'll never know.
Oh, well, to hell with that.
Indeed, why be somebody else,
when you can give 100% of your essence to rap
and be a god,
tragicomic hero of a comic book,
iconic, unadulterated perfectness of hip-hop?
I guess, this power and fame,
like a drug, are bound to drive you insane.
Thanks to the freedom of speech in your brain’s fat neurons' tyranny,
resembling a small dictator with a tiny pecker,
bossy ***** of his posse,
who married a country,
you married a game.
I know to leave is hard as ****,
‘cause the game’s as appealing as hard rock.
Besides, bad habits, as you know, die hard.
Still, do yourself a favor, will ya?
Be a man of your word, finally,
kidnap yourself and just leave
if you want to live long and happily.
Fly like a butterfly, sting like a bee,
but don't be as cocky as Muhammad Ali,
leave as a champion, while you're still on top.
High five, queen of the hive,
leave your pain alone in the sky,
or die and rest in peace
if a kamikaze is all you can be,
sacrifice yourself for the sake of hip-hop.
I think the only person that can save you from yourself is you.
Suppose I left you for good.
Can I really forget about you?
If only I could
dump devilishly evil love that's tough but feels so good,
so **** good that even bad.
A burning pleasure that hurts
with the sweetest pain I've ever felt.
So should you hurt me, do it gently,
as you still can do it,
I mean, are naturally good in bed, I bet.
Wait, man, not again!
Forget what I said.
That's not what I meant.
Sorry, my bad.
Father, forgive me, for I have sinned.
It's just a silly relapse.
It's not like I'm gonna sit on your face
or your lap
even in the context of rap.
I guess when you click with someone,
you can have this kind of fun.
That's okay.
But hey, let's not get carried away.
I'll keep doing my best to stay sober and sane till I collapse.
I’m so sorry for the innuendo.
Next time I'd better be more circumspect,
'cause it's probably inappropriate, like for a Christian, oral ***.
Should I take you for a friend, though?
Or will you offer me your ballsy ****?
And why is ******* a **** is considered to be the worst form of disrespect?
You know, I prefer to believe I could pull that off
and refer to you as a friend
even if you were a ******* ****** or a ******.
Let's pretend that I'm your friend.
Would it be enough?
If not, disrespect me, then,
with your evil love.
Anyhoo, it wasn't my intention
to make you feel any tension or unwanted passion.
It has nothing to do with you, man.
Don't take it to heart.
I'm crossing the line again,
take it too far.
You can't be that bad.
Satanically evil devil.
Diabolically saint Satan
or at least a demon,
sizzling people on a frying pan.
You combine cockiness with humility,
quality with stupidity.
It doesn't matter even if you say that
it feels so good to be bad.
I'm sure whatever you wish you could do should be said.
And it's not your job to solve other people's problems or suit
the expectations of a stranger you've never met.
Not to mention that you don't have to pay too much attention
to every nonsense and stupid ****
that comes from my sick *** head.
I reckon, while looking like a bad boy on the surface, you're a good guy inside
or at least a good-looking bad guy.
Neither can I lie like that.
C'mon, of course, I don't really want to sit on your face.
In my defense, I lie to myself and justify my words by saying I'm just a good writer.
So I'd rather sit on the fence,
fooling around.
Yeah, I don't really want ya.
You realize I'm just ******* with you, doncha?
Oh dear, but I'm afraid you'll notice that I'm a bad liar.
What the **** did you expect, man?
Every your hater is your latent, negative fan,
accepting the rules of the game,
trying to change them later
except for one: the love of hatin’ you.
They dis you but have to respect you,
‘cause deep down they are afraid of you.
They know they can't harm you more than you do.
No one can hit you harder than life already did
at the harshest spitter’s speed.
And you love your haters too,
'cause you feed on your enemies' energy.
A feud with your foes you treat like hoes with irreparable flaws is the fiery fuel for you.
They made you too.
But when you're already dead,
they can't **** you.
And now all you do is breathe out words, wrapped around your feelings,
wrapped around your *******
so they linger for those who realize they can't be faux.
I'm sure they have been true before
and will stay real and raw forevermore
to slam yo’ foes with speedy rhymes,
hit ‘em with your spitting bars
about slaughtering ‘em with a chainsaw and the whole range of guns.
You love them masochistic ******* hard,
like you've been loved by God.
What the hell were you thinking
when you wanted to become a rapper,
starting as a rising star of your future fans' local newspapers?
As if you don't know what's going on in the heads of your fans.
All they want is to be you, like you or with you, *******.
But you don’t even give a ****, do you?
Well, whad'ya know! I guess **** happens.
Sometimes you think you recognized someone
when, in fact, you took 'em for somebody else,
dissolved in the gray mass of unrealized rappers,
lost in the illusion of greatness
due to the brain mess and oblivious madness.
Even though, I ain't deny it,
I am a terrible liar, god awful at this.
Still, it was worth trying.
Now, go ahead, go nuts, disrespect me.
I deserve it, as the worst sin is cowardice
according to the master’s manuscript.
What choice do I have? I can't help it.
It's like a bad habit.
And you know they die hard,
because you get used to something that doesn't even exist.
So what?
Any habit is bad.
It's just a hospitable habitat
for a bunch of big fat neurons,
very large and hungry worms,
******* dopamine,
in some cases, also spitting useless rhymes
in your little, stupid head.
That's why there are no selfless good deeds.
Should you prove me wrong, I'll eat my hat.
Until then, in order to look more decent and less rude,
I'mma… keep lying
till it becomes true,
the dream of the reality reboot.
When I convincingly lie to myself,
I believe it, then in myself too.
I've got the power and always had.
I just need to figure out how to use it,
put dead words to living music.
Yes, words are virtual.
The feeling is real, animal, material,
hence spiritual.
While my mind screams, "Oh, hell no! I don't think so,"
my heart says,"**** yeah! I'm almost there."
Yeah, right, I know.
Again, I write like a *****,
incapable of controlling the ****** energy,
trolling her own insatiable libido.
That's just how I feel, though.
Oh, Gee! **** this **** destructive love,
******* me over again,
demolishing everything on her way.
I can't feed her
or him, them.
I don't know anymore.
As if the absence of a name for a gender
can be compensated by a number.
In no way did I mean to be mean and delve into the devil dancing, dude.
I just like dancing.
And I don't wanna use my words as a weapon.
I'm not rapping.
Baby, I'm telling the truth!
I ******* love you.
I love ******* with you.
Too bad, this love is evil.
I feel like I fell in love
just for my heart to fall apart.
Besides, it sounds too good to be true
for an oxymoron,
a beautiful masochistic figure of speech for morons.
I'd better ditch this queening *****,
'cause it seems that all I do is try to forget you.
But do I really have to?
Even if I do, I'm not sure I can get over you.
****, you don't give a ****, though,
and still have no clue.
And I will never matter to you.
Well, all this beauty is for me, then, not for you.
If only you knew, my man,
how tired of you I am.
It's not that I want to bust a cap, rhyme, or a myth.
But how many women have you really been with?
I hate to admit that it must feel good to eat a forbidden fruit.
What if I ate this ******* apple?
Why an apple, by the way?
It could be a banana, for ****'s sake.
Whatever, it doesn't matter.
The point is it's a metaphor
for liberation from the paradise prison for apes,
who painfully grow up
to find out how to become a free from human morality god.
But if you can't handle your sins,
maybe, you don't deserve that.
After all, I am too responsible for adultery,
for I'm not only an animal, but also a self-aware adult human being.
What I can do
is pretend
that I should understand
how to push through
and move on till it seems I can finally forget you
to change, evolve, create and grow,
'cause I can't take it anymore.
I gotta dig in my feet
till I start digging it,
throw you out of my system,
lest you become too real, way too persistent,
get control over the hideous, insidious monster,
hiding inside my aching soul,
get rid of the bad habit of diving into the gaping hole
of ferocious fears of love turning destructive, feral, and fierce
when life is atrociously real,
feel free to recover from the past,
buried in time at last,
leave the weird, love, solipsistic symbiosis behind,
say goodbye to the human neurosis of being alive,
realize that I should open my eyes,
wake up and smell the roses
in a terrifyingly lucid dream I live in,
in the elusive present moment,
find life balance, hormonal harmony,
learn to turn suffering into pleasure while surviving,
go through the metamorphosis
from the cocoon of verbose neurosis
to a beautiful butterfly,
the free poetry that can fly
into the unborn future where it can thrive and die.
And if I need to escape reality again,
I hope I still will be able to find the way.
Despite all the **** happening in this world,
all these wars, travesty of life,
lurid farce, insane asylum,
senseless grotesque circus,
the theater of the absurd,
where things are not what they're called,
please, Love, don't let me go!
Even though I keep saying no,
I know you won't let me go.
And I'll give it all to you
lest I be lost like a wretched wreck, sad sack of ****
and disappear in my own misery.
I hope that won't be necessary,
but to live without you is kinda scary.
So I guess I have no choice.
Born capricious, man must learn to die grateful.
You don't understand anything in this world.
That's why you try to explain it.
And you fail every time.
That's all right.
Laughter is a normal reaction to being overwhelmed with awe.
The thinking process is like ***,
and the ****** is like laughter
that happens after
you discover for the kabillionth time
that you are just a *******.
What a relief.
Again, Universe, thanks a lot for your support.
Now the pleasure is all mine.
When you look at yourself from afar
and laugh at your stupidity,
you free yourself from it,
release your ego,
and become a self-sufficient god,
who doesn't look for the meaning,
for he's already been found.
This world is magical, and you are magic and a magician.
To see it, just open your mind.
You must know by now,
as various fairy tales, like life and comics, show,
that while there's always a reason for evil,
the true power is love.


This Verse Is Alive

This ****** verse grows like a red, hot rose
from a stinky dark mess that smells mighty bad, so gross.
Thorny, aggressive, *****.
Take a look. It's already bloomed.
One touch, It will sting your skin and nerves
as if it's poisonous.
As if the venom can spread to your brain,
while the sweet aroma crawls through your nose.
You inhale, you inspire.
Goat, you wanna devour the whole ******* flower,
‘cause it gives you the illusion of power.
You stand beside it, staring,
like a hungry cat at a sparrow,
hearing your soul sing and flood,
you think that you see yourself sink in the sea of blood.
In fact, you merely bleed into spring muddy streams and puddles.
Playing my heartstrings, you scream and squeeze the crimson rose even harder
and want some more than your usual dose,
‘cause it's outrageously beautiful and shamelessly pure,
as you can feel your blood dripping from its thorns.
Don't be so cruel,
fill me up with some more fuel.
You will be my first, I will be your last
to come from intellectual lust.
Do you feel my words make you mine?
Do you wanna know why?
That's because this verse is alive.
It eats you all and frees your mind.
In this moment is your entire life for you to sublime
and see your soul's growth.
There's a place for everyone
on the planet Earth
except for those who are being eaten.
So beat it not to be beaten,
if you are a little kitten.
The show must go on.
So be it.
One life has to end for the other one to be continued.
Or stay, 'cause I want you to feel me in ya
the way I think I see god in ya
and wanna feel you IN me.
The encounter with a predator makes you feel alive.
If you are lucky not to be dissolved in its gut,
you will be forever grateful for the reason why
you now remember it as meeting God.
While you choose what to eat,
nature digests us all into ****
to keep the balance, harmony in and out.
Or you'd rather it chews you and spits you out,
‘cause you are a bit too bitter for a candy bar,
wrapped in too sweet a beet
that tastes like Jesus Christ’s feet so far?
Like you and I, this shady verse constantly changes and grows,
expands like the universe,
as if it wants to consume the whole world
and destroy the cosmos
where it came from,
drowning in self, unfolds
to reveal its true form.
Inexorable entropy relentlessly dissolves
in nonsensical chaos
of nauseous word *****,
lyric verbal diarrhea,
disintegrating into syllables,
letters, stream of consciousness,
being caught by a flight of the thought of the flight of a thought,
hilarious convulsions of ridiculous subconscious mind flow.
It grows when I grow.
Can I control it, if I can't outgrow it, though?
When it stops, it will eventually die.
Should one get too big,
there may be no place for ‘em left,
like for a neuron that got too heavy and fat
and had to fall off under the gravity of other thoughts
and die from boredom,
this way, ripping a band-aid off the soul at the same time,
an old, wise worm,
tired of looking for a reason in a rhyme,
illusive lightning-like truth at the bottom of the bottle,
that ain't there,
‘cause he's blind to see happiness in life.
Eat the world.
Digest it along with regrets.
Let it through.
Let it go.
Goodbye.
So if you read this,
it probably seems that
Schrödinger's cat is trapped in your head,
neither alive nor dead.
Although it's actually highly unlikely,
the fact that I might still be writing it
is, frankly speaking, quite frightening.
But also, in the process of growing, I'm enjoying my poem,
being obsessed with the idea of the illusion that I'm obsessed with the image of you,
the fantasy that embodies itself in the form of this verse in the virtual world,
searching for perfection in the night sky, lit by dead stars, reaching for the moon,
in time, to leave the space where I am now for the real one, and then one more.
This may actually become a masterpiece, after the death of the author.
Clearly, she's an addict and an idiot or a genius,
depending on the angle from which you see this bunch of words and feelings,
simple and mysterious.
But at the same time, it's possibly
one of the most narcissistic verses,
written by a presumably the most modest person,
that has ever existed in this world
and will stay in the history
as the distinctive but illusive evidence,
based on evasive traces,
a pale shadow,
the echo of the stars long gone.
It's a constant self-improvement work in progress,
tiresome sometimes, yes,
but a very interesting working process.


Sophie’s Choice

Whatever it is, it's for you to decide.
It's your choice, of course.
Is it, though?
For some reason, it always seems to be Sophie's choice.
So I guess it is what it is.
(By the way, it really is a masterpiece
already, as it is,
like life,
one long aphorism.)
But why on earth does it always have to be like this?
I don't know.
It isn't easy, is it?
It's easier to be decapitated by a mind-breaking wizard
than to choose between two ideally evil ideas or thoughts.
As if I'm a little girl,
born during a war,
and while hiding from the Soviet Union among the Vietcong,
killed by the American bomb.
Or should I pick a side
find a lesser evil? Why?
Not to die today? Escape endless wars
between heaven and earth?
Why two evils?
Do you have to always be
between the devil and the deep blue sea?
Why not funny and spiritual?
‘Cause I'd rather not pick either of two evils.
On the other hand, when I can't choose between two good things,
I tend to take both,
like two ***** in one hole.
**** sure happens,
even when you mean well
and try to be good
or at least pretend.
Well, what you know?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Hell, even cold but golden Alaska was once sold for a *** of gold.
What a funny way for fund-raising to build oligarchs’ mansions.
I guess, you never know where you lose and find.
You may appear in the wrong place at the wrong time.
And you can't do anything about it at first.
But then… Bam!
The bomb drops,
and you're gone. You die.
On the bright side, you are now free,
put out of your misery,
as if killed out of mercy.
So thank you, Universe, merci.
See? Your freedom of choice is in your attitude,
and you can always find something to be grateful for, of course.
To get enlightened, you have to go through darkness, after all,
to see that there is no good or bad,
only happy and miserable.
Don't make it worse.
Think about it.
Who do you think you are,
and where do you think you go,
while you grow, evolve, improve your soul?
Apparently, you move from a bad place to a better one.
That's probably why after you finally, really die,
as a reward for your pain,
you naturally get into a better world,
where you meet its creator, god,
or merely a different you.
So you have a choice,
to stay where you are
or be somebody else, free to choose
and believe that what he has created is yours,
and you got nothing to lose,
because you are already gone.


The Word Owns You

Anyhow, it's almost dead already, too bad, too old,
too big, too bold,
still straightforward, piercing, and bitter
like one **** with two *****
that ****** you off
and makes you wanna **** it so hard
that it could finally die and go off.
Yeah, it's so sick.
I gotta put it out of its misery with a rusty shovel,
**** it out of mercy at some point.
I mean, no one can heal something so ill.
And what can't be healed,
has to be killed.
I hope you feel me, silly,
understand what I wrote.
It's not that difficult and obscure,
really,
still alive, while yet not cured.
Are you following my thought?
If you're not sure,
I assure you, you do.
You're just unsure if it's the right direction for you.
Well, what do I know? I'm not you.
I only look at you.
Don't take my art too literally.
You can break my heart if you want.
I don't care,
'cause it's pretty much virtual,
supposed to be in my chest,
but not there.
Don't get me wrong.
It's not a big fat flattering love letter, you know.
I'm merely studying you under the microscope,
like a calm, unbiased, meticulous scientist,
doing research in silence,
slicing and dicing a frog.
And the more he analyzes this fandom madness,
the more stuck in the shady mania and ****** up he becomes,
anatomizing your black soul's dark guardian angel
you have such a desperate craving for.
He is capable of quenching your thirst
for the only language a dark angel knows,
which is a wild evil love.
Love and evil.
God and the devil, combined.
He's behind you all the way
in the hall of fame on the wall of shame.
Well, I suppose, two heads are better than one
because you can perform an experiment on one of them.
Stop being a hostage of your own role.
You're on your own from now on,
not lonely, alone only, though.
You were a good, slim fellow.
But now you've become even better.
Keep using your flaws,
rotten pieces of the mind of your future corpse
to hone your skills and master your soul.
And when you're deeply alone and unknown,
you'll gain your total freedom.
I'm sure you've already started to write a song about it,
(have you, really? Can I hear it?)
and, of course, your new album will be double platinum
‘cause you are the king.
Totally, totally. I agree.
I mean, the most beautiful drama queen.
To be actually free,
you must just adjust and really need to see
through the prism of your soul
that your self-important beloved self-torture
you are so deeply engrossed in,
thinking it's motivating,
yet instead, it's instigating,
self-indulgent suffering rapture,
absorbing you, is worthless.
Don't feed yourself to your pain.
It will obliterate your brain,
devastate your heart and burn you in its flame.
You're more significant than this.
The contents of your shape are more important than the context of the game.
You became too big for your frame
and keep growing, because you can.
I didn't suffer too much, just enough to be what I am.
You are not broken completely, just enough to be what you are,
to transform the weakness of man
into the power of god.
And I wanna evolve with you,
because I’m in love with you.
For this, I zoom in, dive deep into me
to see how much you mean to me.
But the process of healing is painful.
What you gonna do?
You need pain to appreciate love,
fear of death to cherish life
so you can feel when it correlates
with the nature's grace in many ways
and shapes your soul, your gestalt.
I love to see my body change and my consciousness grow.
I love life because it's temporary.
It's my favorite show.
There's not much to say. You've been through a lot.
We've all been. So what?
And we all still have this hurt, scared, sullen, depressed, enraged, silent teenager deep inside
we want to protect by creating a strong dark guardian angel
for our inner child to grow up.
So don't act like your sorrow is wider than the universe.
You're not the only one of your kind.
You know, it's not that entertaining
to see the vivid pictures you paint with your pain and
listen to your heart-breaking complainings.
As if your cathartic torments and problems are worth my emotional resources.
Like I didn't suffer from my own PTSD, unexpected traumas,
emotional scars, bruises, unwanted dramas,
devastating losses,
or wait for the right response
as a sufficient answer from the wrong person.
So you see, your pain would be superfluous.
Unlike all miserable people,
I don't want to be miserable like you.
But I do want you to be happy,
like I am right now,
even though I'm not good enough
in finding the right words to show you how.
I mean, you think you own the word,
when, in fact, the word owns you.
You don't come up with words,
they come up to you,
get into your mouth in the form of a ****,
and come into your brain
with mind-blowing-ceilings ideas,
breaking your head’s virginal membrane.
It ******* so deep that it makes you addicted to this game.
It comes into you
till it engulfs you on the inside
with your inner hungry for pleasure, greedy child
and becomes you.
Out of your subconscious mind,
words come to you, swift and alive.
You put them down to die.
I think, most of the time,
you feel like a ****,
coming with words through your mouth,
embodying your power of spirit
till it becomes licorice-like sweet and thick,
and you actually start to feel it.
You play this game again and again
in the point of singularity inside the circle of limited abilities
but with the point of view
of an intentionally infinite creative potential
to elaborate on undeliberate liberation,
ready to unfold into a universe
and become broad-minded too.
But how can I know my potential if I can't reach the unreachable thresholds?
Feelings are precious because of being captivating and transient.
This is how this world works.
You have been owing yourself survival since birth.
Even in your dreams, you keep solving problems,
not noticing that it's nonsense
that can be interpreted as the repentance of your guilty conscience,
while your destiny seems to consist of the sequence of coincidences,
arising more controversy and cognitive dissonance.
It's not that bad, considering you look at it from a distance.
That's why I prefer practice to theory,
the feeling to words,
which are the consequence that follows the cause.
A described feeling dies in words.
They become its tombstone.
In dead words, for yourself in the future,
you describe the condition you feel as a god,
who chose love,
in the present moment to remember it by,
‘cause you are afraid to forget it as a human being,
capable of being defeated by fear.
So I guess, it's best not to open the box
you won't be able to close
and say goodbye,
unless you use words as a means
to achieve certain goals,
such as creating a universe,
where after art chaos has systematized
with the feeling embodied,
creative energy has formed,
dark matter has become tactile,
it's bound to realize itself and die,
then again to be born
with no end, God knows why.
Can you get out of the world of words by means of words,
through which you try to understand something that can't be understood?
No, YodaBuddha, but you could use ‘em as the beginner’s course.
Then shoot for the moon and go on.
Yeah, I coulda, to have something to move on from.
But when your viewpoint is perceived as a holler in a hollow,
a shout out of the empty void into nowhere,
that can be replaced with a song,
someone's mightless anger will always try to shut it up, break it, causing pain,
that's supposed to help you stop feeding your anxiety nonsense.
Instead, it makes inner voices louder, creating monsters.
They give you power and become too big and strong.
When you use wrong tools,
play the wrong instrument,
you lose your favorite game.
Reality interpretation through the symbol manipulation means
getting distracted by the process of expressing yourself,
while hunting your aim.
You don't let the creative energy go through,
misunderstand.
Missing a lot of things,
you miss the point, don't feel
your full potential.
Then you manifest, reflect
the interpreted reality back
to the universe.
It brings your manifestation to life and back to you,
still unfulfilled.
Why don't you reflect it directly
without being its witness?
Stop drawing.
You are the painting,
a masterpiece, even.
You are already in.
Just see
Well, apparently, life is not only a paradise
but also a hell sometimes.
Still, it's not just black and white,
you know.
Between them is a rainbow.
In search of the magic formula,
you try to describe the state of your consciousness with words
in the hope of keeping it timeless.
You cling to them as to juts,
keep climbing the mountain
or resist the volcanic flow of emotional energy
just to find a new painful extreme
and justify the way you follow your dream,
trying to overcome the feeling by means of words,
channeling it to the desired course
of training your willpower.
Don't worry, just spit it.
Nourish and bring up your power of spirit.
Grow up and become a god
who can help himself and inspire others.
Good luck and take care,
But hey, remember, scared little fellow,
don't miss the rainbow,
hiding from the rain under the umbrella.
**** happens.
Let it go, just go with the flow.
But steer the ship where you need to go.
Life smacks and *****.
You snap and grow.
Should you hit rock bottom,
push off and break through the ceiling.
Keep pushing the limits
till you rocket through the roof of the Empire State Building,
where now only sky's the limit
in the endless space of your heavy mind,
filled with heavenly, godly light
I know you like this feeling
of being godlike dynamite.
You've really got the power when you hold a mic.
On the other hand, as long as there's a deeper floor,
you're all right.
Never give in, toy soldier, fighting monsters.
Keep cracking nuts and silly jokes.
Ah, God, have mercy, not again.
"Somebody, help me!
I'm drowning in my ****."
Why don't you write a song that pulls you out of it?
Oh, yeah, I forgot. You already did.
So what?
What makes you stop?
Don't be too melodramatic.
You're not a lonely Captain Obvious
on a sinking ship.
You're a switchman for a locomotive,
not a lost cause.
Please, don't say that.
I'm sure it's not that bad.
At least it's better than it was
if you don't concentrate on what you've lost,
'cause there is always pros and cons,
which is characteristic of controversial, dualistic worlds.
You can walk on water after all, when the time comes
and see the reflection of the mightiest of all gods.


Morfreeda

There are no mistakes or coincidences in your serendipitous destiny,
nor one rhyme or reason, or justice for all.
Even poetical.
It's just this one sole moment we're kept in,
like in prison for the soul.
So the question is not, to be or not to be,
but can I or am I compelled by the belief that it's impossible?
It just happened to be this way
so that now it can only be called fate.
Enjoy the path that you chose.
Have a nice ride along the road
to the timeless nowhere and nevermore.
Suffice to say that it's a beautiful and terrible world
where we can't tame a feeling by describing it,
not even with sophisticated phrases.
We only follow it, always behind
like a famished wolf, chasing its prey,
softly, with an untiresome determination,
stepping on its traces,
left here with prayers
in deafening silence to the higher self
who's free from ambiguity and hypocrisy,
'cause it's content, self-sufficient, wordless, selfless.
It always knows better what to do
so you could again experience déjàh vu.
If your mind resembles mine,
you must know what I'm talking about.
The divine power I feel is the source of
my undying force of vicious words
and a spark that can start a revolution fire
in the hearts of a passionate throng,
inspired by just one strong song,
capable of dethroning tyrants
and destroying empires.
This Che-Guevara-spirited power feels like you can bend space and time,
starting with yourself, change the world.
And for this, I use you as an instrument or a tool
to love myself by means of you.
I've climbed up even higher than you.
And now I'm not just enlightened.
I'm burned through,
becoming a distant star,
so far and high
that it hides in the sky
and stays invisible to your eye.
Well, what can I say?
I have been using you.
I did need it. So I did it.
Not to humiliate you, but to annihilate you,
I made you a part of my immortal, immaterial, nonexistent speculative art,
the deceiving art of a self-believing word god
in the body of a biological robot.
Good thing if you're also a coder
aside from being merely a human being,
for if you become old and ugly,
then you have to learn how to appreciate the beauty inside you,
else you're either a lame coder
or you go further, do not give up.
I think, in this case, you switch to become a god.
Otherwise, what's the point, though?
So use your brain as a processor
to get access to the database of your soul.
Yeah, good thinking. Why not?
Do I have time?
Tick-tock, overclock your brain
till you reach the point where you don't,
as you go so fast that you get out of the illusion.
And now there is no time,
and the eternity is you.
Sure, it may sound insane, messy, and depressing,
but also interesting and impressive,
'cause when I start writing,
it seems like I stop living and start dying,
putting my heart and soul into words,
can't get rid of my poetical mortido,
doomed to be in love with searching for more freedom.
It makes me think I have enough power of spirit
in the fragile flesh to admit that
I don't live but gradually die
and that I'm worthy of the brave and honorable name Morfreeda.
You know what I'm saying, dawg?
If you don't get it, then I wonder
whether I'm a bad writer
or you're a bad reader.
Regardless of the author’s character,
once you get to know her,
I think she's actually kinda sorta nice,
quite nice, yeah,
(right, wait what? Nice?
You call that nice?
Morfreeda?
Shh! Are you insane?
Jesus ******* Christ!
Don't say this name in vain.)
as long as she doesn't disturb others,
duh,
describing her thoughts,
when she's out of sorts,
‘cause thoughts being spoken are a lie
despite the theoretical ability to be materialized.
You don't get them if you don't feel them to survive.
And even if you do,
it is still not quite true
as it just seems I understand you.
What would you do if an impudent fool
with the confidence of a bull came up to you
and acted like an uncouth animal?
Play hide-and-seek or peekaboo?
How would you make this pickle laughable?
I'd try to avoid making eye contact and the following dialogue.
"Leave me alone, illiterate idiot."
"What if I don't? What you gonna do about it, boo?
"Get away from me, please.
M… *******, don't touch me, I'm serious!"
"You wanna hook up?"
"What? No, thanks. I'd rather not."
"No ***? Why not?
Why so hostile and furious?
Aren't you at least a bit curious?"
"I am, but curiosity killed a cat.
So it's still alive but potentially dead."
"Well, **** with that **** cat.
You're not that good a philosopher,
just a unnecessary poet."
Here is how, after flying around high in the space sky,
I'm falling down to the ground
and even lower, deeper and darker
straight towards the hell underground.
So how come I fell and felt like I'm in hell, dead,
but turned out to be in paradise, more than alive instead?
And now the immanent god Jahsdoit is I
with the consciousness level sky-*******-rocketing,
sitting on the rainbow cloud of love
spitting down from above.
You get it, right? You become immortal too,
sharing your growing soul with your aspiring admirer
through your inspiring art that will never expire.
It becomes a part of us,
united by one everlasting love that turns us into gods.
Why not?
With you, I'm free and wild,
can say whatever I want, smile,
and be not afraid or shy
to look like a child,
be whatever I wanna be,
go as far as I can,
do whatever it takes,
maybe even trip abroad,
wander around the world,
and see as far as it's possible for a god.
But I accept the fact that I'm not here forevermore,
at the same time,
can't comprehend that I'll disappear completely.
I guess my ego just needs to think so,
hopefully, to complete me,
but I'm afraid, for it to live, it needs to eat me
to become whole,
get the complete self-sufficiency of an egocentric god.
Sounds familiar?
Thought so.
You are a hell of an artist.
And I love this about you.
While slowly dying,
you entertain and enjoy yourself by making up your plot,
writing.
Although I know I've created the character of you
in the image of an attentive god in my mind,
while in reality he's oblivious, you don't care, and I talk to myself about me,
created in the image of my soul, the sense,
materialized in the body,
learning to realize itself in its life,
(for what?)
considering it's hard and time-and-energy-consuming
for a tiny, puny, stupid woman,
I am being absorbed by a mind-boggling thought
and can be anything from a crushed roach
to a convincingly invincible, imperishable, really superhuman god.
****, that's some spiritual, awakening, dopest ****. Enjoy it.
Never hesitate, though, to tell me I make a mistake, word slave,
so that I wouldn't feel all too high and mighty.
But don't underestimate me. Okay?
Kindly bite me.
Even if I think it's worth being called high-quality literature,
written by a highly spiritual creature,
every time I say I'm a god,
keep convincing me that I'm not.
Humiliate and humble me with your immodest art,
try to bring me back to my rut,
‘cause I'm nobody, as a matter of fact.
Even if I am brilliant,
treat me accordingly,
but don't you ******* ever tell me I'm one in a million.
I don't wanna hear it.
Let me silently rot in my tranquil, transcendent oblivion.
See, every time I open my mouth
some stupid **** may come out.
So don't be too shy to shut me up.
I obvi can't hold a candle to you, duh.
But I'm tired of holding it for you.
And I'm not sure if I can handle the mental state of my “brilliant brain”
with the willpower melting and getting soft like cotton wool.
I will never be good enough,
because even though I may feel I deserve to hold
all the platinum and gold of the whole world,
I'm afraid I would trade it for your love.
Yeah, I may sound too controversial.
Well, I guess, the king of controversy
is doomed to deal with fans like me.
You know that people can be deep like oceans
so we could drown in each other, discovering ourselves through our deep dope emotions,
hearing voices from the depth of our cosmic consciousness,
reflecting as the starlight off water of a mirror-like sea.


Universal Love

As I’ve already told ya,
I want you to be happy.
I kid you not.
Even though your brain wasn't designed for happiness,
being busy surviving in God Mode.
Keep pushing Sisyphus’s stone.
That's all right.
We’ll go together through your highs and lows.
Although we all are one in this world, but alone in our lives,
you don't have to be alone this time.
You don't have to be strong all the time.
I'll be with you till the day I die,
or you die.
I stand behind you as though behind the brick wall.
I am your shadow, you are my hero.
Till death do us part,
I will be by your side
with your music in my heart.
But listen, life is more than just a struggle or a competition
with achieving endless goals,
overcoming challenges and troubles,
solving puzzling problems,
accomplishing impossible missions,
be it outstanding, award-winning songs,
best-selling, platinum albums, books, or movies for your stans.
It could be a journey or a lesson.
So start to count your ******* blessings, man.
Your dream aim is not as important as the way to it.
It's important to love the way as if the dream already came true, ain't it?
Live it. There's no need to explain it
or wait for anybody’s permission.
To love yourself, you don't need public recognition.
Would it **** ya to smile once in a while?
Or would it turn you into a slime?
I'm sure you can do it, when nobody's looking at you.
Just let go of your paranoid paradigm.
Any time now, any smile goes,
even if it's tragicomically crooked and spooky,
like a Fortune Teller Cookie.
Life's not a contest in who suffers more
or whose **** is the biggest.
**** a lemon, dude,
enjoy and feast on your shitburger with gratitude,
don't give up, but embrace bad luck,
put your hands in the air like you don't give a ****,
for your only freedom is in your attitude,
which comes from your enlightenment,
which, in its turn, depends on your body's alignment,
mental and logical,
instrumental and physiological,
that is the state of your health,
expressed in your mood.
Even though you're just a jester and a fool,
be grateful for endless opportunities to get enlightened that life gives you.
We've all been given the power of co-creation as a gift.
Unfortunately, not all of us notice and can use it for our benefit.
People often treat life as a waiting line
for tickets to paradise,
praying for enough money to justify the offer of their price,
before they wake up on the other side,
not knowing that they can awaken now,
having forgotten how.
Although being awfully unlawful,
I know you know about this paradox -
the universal law of the universal love
that when you long for love,
you fall in desperation.
But as soon as you let go,
as if you are already loved
by yourself in the first place,
it comes to you, and you accept her,
become love.
You give in, surrender, win
without the fight within
through relaxation.
Sit still in silence, see it approach.
Feel how the Universe embraces you.
Hence the old you are being naturally, gradually replaced with the new you.
All you need is time and space for baby steps.
Too much knowledge blows up your mind
and breaks your brain,
if it even gets to your head,
when you're not ready yet.
But over time, your consciousness expands
to form your invisible core.
Unfortunately or fortunately, your past won't disappear completely.
It'll stay as a code in the archives of your soul’s DNA.
Now you reminisce about your past,
like about your old house,
‘cause you were young back then,
spending idly time with your best friend,
dreaming together about your future.
But, hey, you wouldn't relive it all over again, now, would ya?
You know, I lost my best friend too.
Do I wanna see her again?
Of course I do.
As soon as you lose your best friend,
he becomes forever irreplaceable for you.
Yes, you are your worst enemy, man.
But you can also be your best friend,
whom no one understands
better than you do.
No matter if you remember or forget,
the universe won't give you the result you want for your attempts.
It reflects your mind's state.
Your wish is its command.
It works kinda like social media algorithms
that have the offer to satisfy the demand,
the virtual network, digital Solaris
in the world of materializing dreams.
Read the reality. Let it go through.
Sense it, even when your mind doesn't see any sense.
You don't believe or know. You feel.
Go nuts. Be my guest.
You can't change anyone or the world,
only yourself.
I am grateful for the reality I'm in.
And the creator is glad
‘cause he feels it as well and thanks me back,
as I'm a particle of the element,
called universal love.
I am a part of her, she’s an extension of me.
The truth is, I’m so ******* lucky to be alive.
God is my witness, I'll be ****** if it's a lie.
And even if he's unaware of my gratitude,
there's always me to be grateful to.
See, you help the universe to thrive
when you enjoy your life.
You hear its music in your blood
when you sound right.
There is always enough time for this now, in this moment,
that can turn into eternity.
So don't forget to celebrate your life.
Take the first step and appreciate the way to your aim.
Go for it.
May the power stay forever with you
and your spiritual poetry.
Be grateful for the greatest party,
where you're connected with everything and everybody.
Keep going and growing.
Be the light. Go forward.
You're not lonely on your journey.
You can join me if you like.
I don't mind, and I don't bite.
We are all alone,
but we are all one
love.
Like we are the cells of one big organism in one big ******,
and through the music in our blood,
we get out and become gods.
Then we meet in the new reality
to grow into each other again
to find God inside of us.
To enjoy life directly, without words,
don't hide from love behind your jokes.
Feel your soul through the temple of your body with open doors.
You are the mightiest god only for yourself in this world,
where there is, in fact, no competition,
only the illusion, which keeps being tirelessly debunked by a free mind for your higher self recognition.
Connect to the source,
take the energy generously, feel it in your very core,
the singularity,
from which the whole universe appears,
and direct it to where you want to be
to improve your greatest power -
your love ability.
When you give your all to love,
you receive even more -
your own infinity.
The key to feeling abundant is generosity.
It's easy to lose yourself when you want more stuff,
search for more ways to make yourself complete.
Being eaten by greed,
you dissolve in it.
If you absolutely need to be engulfed,
isn't it better to be engulfed by love?
Let's go already. Shall we?
The width of your potential is not as important as the direction you choose for its expansion.
What you pay your attention to happens to you.
This is the essence of your manifestation,
your dream coming true.
Focus on the love of the god inside you,
breathe in deeply,
sense him in silence,
open new dimensions of the one endlessly diverse feeling
simply by saying to yourself, "I love you."
This magical ritual will make you richer and more spiritual.


Solitude

Didn't want to make it too complicated,
but I did indeed overcontemplate it.
One more thing to wrap it up.
Stay my pie in the sky,
my pure platonic love,
unreachable idol, perfect guy
I made up in my mind,
'cause the cake is a lie,
like your best song will always be the one you've already forgotten,
hasn't written yet, or will never write,
the unattainable ideal on a pedestal,
like the first love,
'cause your fantasy is bigger
than the world you live in.
And what's ideal
in reality, is not real.
The farther you are,
the lesser the harm,
the better I will become,
for the bigger my ego,
the lesser I am.
Otherwise, it may swell,
rise to a monstrous size,
get too rad, lit, and wet.
Well, sir Raps-a-lot,
you taught me well
how to reach new heights.
I appreciate that,
thanks a lot.
People love to be in love with their idols,
‘cause they see them in themselves.
You know about it more than I do,
unfortunately, far too well.
No need to tell you the story of your life that sells.
So I like you because I'm like you.
Yeah, I know, it's another cliché,
but it's true.
We must have identically damaged brain cells,
broken in the exact same way.
But it’s okay.
The faith in you of like-minded people, your fans
strengthens your faith in yourself.
You believe them and grow as an independent, self-sufficient god,
who's not lonely in the solitude of his art.
In other words, as much as you love what you do,
your stans love you as a god,
and you become their art, too.
They are united in one herd,
programmed to belong with a family
by means of oxytocin and enslaving empathy,
one big, uncontrollably frightening crowd,
chasing you,
because they love the way you sound,
albeit a bit too loud,
lost and dissolved in one love,
praying for being heard and saved by their lord Shepherd.
And even when no one believes in you,
you always got the guts to believe in yourself anywise.
That’s what makes you the greatest of all time.
I'm just trying to be as candid as I can.
You don't want me to lie to you, do you?
If so, I promise to be always honest.
And to be frank, I couldn't have lied even if I tried.
I can't hide what I got on my mind
because the feeling is I.
Believe me, your life will be just fine
as long as you don't interfere with mine.
The farther we are from each other,
the closer to me, you are,
as well as to you, I am.
Let's keep this agonizingly screaming secret
about a childish curiosity, growing into an adult lust,
getting wilder and sicker, between us,
disguising it with passionate patience
characteristic of mentally unstable patients
with unrealistic expectations,
deeply hidden in the **** sculpture,
the virtual statue of forever frozen hot feelings
in my mind, embodied in my body.
I'll be your pipe dream too.
I don't wanna be your fan anymore.
You gotta let me go.
I can't live in two realities at the same time,
when my body is in one reality,
and my mind is augmented with another, love-like addictive one.
Though, I must say, sometimes I'd like to think of myself as a multitask woman.
I just need more than this. I choose love,
even if it's not with you, man.
You can hug me if you want.
I do surrender to my last love.
It frees me and enslaves me
till my death comes.
At least now, I'd like to think so.
While my hobby is you,
my hubby and you are actually alike.
He's also got father issues.
He's also a poet and a musician,
who doesn't want to be auditioned.
In addition, he happens to be my critic, muse, and my mission.
That's a shame, I'm a bad student,
rather his little, loyal, angry dog,
set on the right path to true happiness by the god,
‘cause apparently nothing brings you happiness and peace
except your desire to be happy.
It manifests the feeling that says, "Here it is."
Ah, so needy, clingy, and scrappy.
Still, **** happens.
See, he managed somehow to figure out his zen way out of the world of words.
So writing this book,
I feel guilty,
as if I'm cheating on him with you.
He's trying to improve me,
forcing me to change,
because he cares,
because he loves me,
being scarcely capable of ridding himself of his own bad habits right away,
Adam sculpting his rib out of Eve
so that my life would make sense.
Actually, he said he wanted to love me without my flaws,
which means he doesn't accept me the way I am
and doesn't love me anymore.
I feel rejected, as he neglects a part of me.
Well, duh, it's dark. But does that give him the right to disrespect me?
Is this his excuse for being a stubborn fool with a swinging mood,
goofy child playing a stupid game,
having switched to be a totally different dude,
ignoring me, as if he's the boss,
who wants me fired without saying a word?
If conditional love is based on empathy,
I must be feeling the same.
What you gonna do?
Empathy is clearly not enough for never dying love.
He's trying too hard, obviously,
as if he's in despair.
It depresses, ****** me off,
and simultaneously scares,
'cause I don’t wanna know when eternity comes to an end.
What am I supposed to do now,
get a divorce, embrace my loss,
set myself free, and move on,
or realize that he's the love of my life,
my soulmate, my one and only real friend,
the best I can have, and I can't live without him?
Why do the only options have to be extremes?
Is it impossible to balance this **** somehow?
But when I try, why does it always seem
that I'm looking for another compromise,
a beautiful disguise for the disgusting, ugly lie
about almighty love that never dies
only for more uncertainties to multiply?
I want him to be happy too.
So if that makes him happy, then fine, okay,
I will let go. I'll walk away
if I have to.
I'm grateful for what we've had
and forgive for what we don't.
It might be still love,
‘cause it's not the first time
when I had to say, “Goodbye.
But don't let me forget you."
Turns out, it's not that hard to say, "I love you,”
while "sorry” seems to be the hardest word for him.
Well, I'm not gonna say it again anymore either.
I'm done. The limit of begging for forgiveness is exceeded.
I'm ******* sick and tired of dealing with the disease of paranoid paradigm,
when we go through the same patterns, the same routine every ******* time,
and again, it seems like I'm losing my mind.
The worst thing is, I don't even have anyone to talk about it,
and, honestly, it's terrifying.
So now I'm torn in half between two fires,
the devil's anvil and the hammer of Thor,
where, breaking the triangle of madness,
bad meets evil in the middle of love,
lighting painful sparks of inspiration,
sometimes mixed up with desperation.
Even so, I want you, too, to be inspired,
be always capable of more
despite your being fed up with love.
Also, my friend, please, don't deny it.
You love the image of a *****.
Hey, what ya know?
Even Jesus's female apostle
is gossiped to be a lady of light virtue according to the Gospels, after all.
So she's been called.
So what?
Despite the rumor,
she's also considered to be a faithful fan,
devoted follower, and a loyal woman, kinda like a groupie, though.
What a great potential for a saint sinner, biblical *****,
for a human soul to grow into a god.
Yo, does it offend you
that I don't wanna be your fan, dude?
'Cause I think I understand you.
I don't wanna have a crowd of fans either,
just one reader.
Nor do I wanna like you as a fan,
'cause I like you as a human
with a very peculiar sense of humor, man,
and as a humble, simple, easy-going person,
genius of controversy.
Yet, I still feel like I am but the best,
meanest queen of yo' fans
in your shady, big fat ******' fan club,
the evilest ***** in your devilish church
or, as you call it, the satanic cult,
where you are the ******* king and the supreme god,
kinda like Jesus, the protector of ******,
poor, weak, bad girls,
who were so delighted to be near someone so enlightened
and so perfectly good,
that it looked as if God himself came on to them and ****** all over their faces,
glowing with the golden light of God's dew.
And they would be endlessly grateful,
kiss him, embrace him,
'cause that's how great, obviously, God's grace is.
(Geez! I think I might be at risk
of being put into jail for this
too free-speech a piece
or, at worst, burned in hell.
Oh, well… some people are just impossible to appease,
like those ******* never flying pigs.
Pardon my French. I meant the police.
I'm not an asskisser-politician for everyone to please, anyways.)
Well, well, well, look at that.
Apparently, my hobby’s obvi also rap.
Yep… yeppity, yep, yep, yep.
Rhyming pun for fun,
virtuoso word play crap.
I know you won't be able to write anything better.
But you know you will be better than yourself.
Should you refuse to be my friend,
that's alright.
I'm not mad and don't mind.
I'll understand.
Hopefully, I won't be banned
because you're afraid of becoming my friend,
like you are in need of another fan.
What for?
To be together in this, like we are married?
You've already got millions of them.
Why would you want one more?
Especially if he’s as miserable as you are.
There are too many of them.
I clearly can't be the biggest one.
I can never be your woman
and gotta admit
you can't be in love with me.
Even if you ban me, hiding behind your fame
knock yourself out. I won't blame you, really.
Man, I'd probably do the same.
So no hard feelings.
Tell me you don't need me,
give me just one reason,
and I'll leave ya,
won't bother you again.
Or keep silent,
‘cause I learned to appreciate solitude as well,
forging my fortitude,
having become whole alone
without the need to complete me,
as I complete myself.
Even though you are me, I am my all.
Well, I don't have to tell you this.
Life brought you there too.
So you know it yourself.


Free Will

I think, to stop being a fan,
one should be worthy of their idol.
Otherwise, it looks pathologically pathetic and suicidal.
It sounds anarchistic and utopian,
but I believe that everyone
is supposed to be their own god,
a creator of their own art.
Most people just don't know that.
You're designed this way,
it's in the spiral of your DNA, your blood,
undulates like a wave around the golden middle way.
You're a miserable and dissolving in God part
if you do not create your god.
After all, you are allowed to imagine whatever you want
since you've been given a virtual free will
to select your reality version.
It's your only freedom to choose what you want to feel,
which feeling you prefer to be thrilled with or drown in.
You know, you and I,
we don’t even have to die.
I mean, we have been given the whole palette of feelings
not just to disappear.
You can choose your reality now
and stay here forever, if you will.
You live, balancing between two extremes
in the spectrum of diversity in dualism
to choose one of them when you die, anyhow.
Is it the truth or a lie?
You don't have to decide now.
But when the time comes, you'll make up your mind
to be or not to be.
I hope I'm self-aware enough to be free
to choose a better version of me.
Do you think neuro-linguistic repeating
is capable of creating a feeling,
or it will turn into white noise in time?
If I'm a robot, I have no choice, do I?
Well, if I still have a little bit of free will,
can I at least choose to be a robot-hedonist, please,
aside from a boring neuro-linguist?
We have an endless number of abilities in our limited imagination
longing for getting over the boundaries of reality to meet our expectations
for being surprised
and break free from stereotypes.
Reality scares us, it's always unknown.
That's why we run from it by creating our own.
For this, we have art
to interpret it somehow and hopefully find out why
and how to overcome our sense of mind.
We'll see how I can handle my sins.
If I can separate myself from at least one,
that will appear to be nearly a miracle I've hardly ever seen
or will see before I'm gone.
You know, back in the day,
I thought I wanted to stop writing this.
Now it turns out I don't,
'cause if I did really want,
I would have done it a long time ago.
I believe I'm about to let it go
but still ready for more.
Déjà vu
or just a flashback.
I’ve been here with you.
It all had happened already before.
How many times? I lost track.
I don't mind if it dies with me,
don't care what it does to me anymore,
even if it erases me into dust.
Let it be.
Let it burn in me
for me forever to be free.
The rhapsody, annoying, like ******, spread with the speed of a viral infection or a rumor,
vile perseverance of an early bloomer,
exhilaration of the generation of baby boomers,
then outgrew me like a tumor.
I'm not afraid to take it to my grave
or to yours.
But I wish you could tell me it's all not in vain,
that it's not lost on you.
I want you to see my pain
so that you want me to be your friend too.
The most important thing seems to be art,
'cause while I'm mortal, it's not.
It's bigger than you and me,
or any human being, actually.
Manuscripts don't burn. They break free
and stay in their authors' souls for eternity,
as an undying legacy
and the light of dead stars in the memory of celestial gods.
And nothing else matters,
if it's destined to be,
like your fandom madness.
For this, artists sacrifice their lives on the altar of art.
It's a drug that most likely will **** me.
Art engulfs you like dope bliss or ******
and takes you to Shangri-La,
from where you don't wanna come back,
like a ******* sexaholic, hopeless romantic, or a ******* ******,
drowning on his feeble craft in the rough sea of evil love.
Yeah, I know that my poem is a drug,
cruising in your vessels,
with verses, soaked in dope
so you could get off.
And me too.
I've already written enough to get high on my own stuff.
The truth is you get used to a bad habit
when you learn to turn evil into love
and earn the right to tell people to *******.
A real artist is not interested in his fans' opinions,
especially when they act like his enemies or minions.
As soon as someone gets offended or touched by his art,
it becomes their problem.
A self-sufficient artist doesn't perform for 'em.
He does it for himself to go further
and leave the past behind,
to be an example for someone
who still needs to distinguish good from bad,
not because it's what the artist wants.
Although I love you as a fan,
I feel I'm more to you than that.
And you are more to me than just a god.
You'd always been more like my rap guide, mentor, brother, and a friend,
apparently the closest one so far,
so good, in fact,
the best friend I have never had.
Even if I don't see how my magic actually worked,
and you read what I wrote,
should you not get to read this before you die,
or I finally lose my mind,
too big for the cell of the scull,
my love will find you in your next life.
I believe I have enough free will for that.
I'm at the same point of the same circle again
to realize that I have free will to change my fate.
How much freedom of will do you need, or you think you have?
50/50? At least you've got yourself.
Sounds fair, not too shabby.
Isn't that enough?
Don't be afraid to love.
When are you really happy?
Tell me, answer, guy.
When you got nothing to lose in your life except your life?
The older I get, the more vividly I realize that.
Don't be a wuss.
You have nothing to lose,
as you are already self-sufficient.
Be happy if you want, trust me.
You've got the power,
just unleash it.
When you believe in yourself,
you are the master,
the master of the Universe,
made of indestructible star-dust love.
Your free will is in your destiny,
which is directed by your higher self.
Being caught by something bigger than you are,
you find your place as a co-creator,
which means that you are the one
who still holds on to the painful phantom.
But the feeling everyone wants
is one for all,
described by different words.
Yet, it can't be explained.
Your thought-free will can only show you the right way.
I wanna evolve with you,
as though I am in love with you.
Yo, dawg, you are the goat.
But I gotta go further.
I'll dive deeper into the flow of my thoughts and see how it goes.
While my mind is the figment of the imagination of the creator
and, as a character, I say his words,
the character's free will comes from the subconsciousness of the author.
So my fate is God's plot.
But what if I am the god?
Then I'll fly up the stairs of my destiny,
overcoming the amazing maze Pattern.
For if I have the guts to believe in myself when no one does,
that makes me the greatest of all the gods.
There's no me in this world, that appears to be a dream,
because I am the sleeping creator of it
with me within.


Farewell*

I wonder if we could be real friends.
Well, I guess it depends
on many things.
And I know it's superfluous, let alone too good to be true,
considering the fact that I can't be a good friend to you
till I feel I so much depend on you.
I ain't saying that I do know you.
I'm just saying it seems to be true.
While in reality, I actually don't give a **** about you,
just like you pretend not to.
But a part of me will always be curious about you
and wouldn't mind if you got to know me too.
I hope you don't see me as an impeding, annoying, rude intruder.
If I could say it more delicately and subtly, I would've.
I started this verse as your worst fan
and ended it as your best imaginary friend.
Even though I recognize you in me, man,
I don't actually intend to be your real friend,
unless maybe a penfriend.
Besides, compared to my fantasy, the real you are most likely worse
because my imagination is closer to me than yours, of course.
I know that it all is just in my head.
So I guess it's farewell, then.
I can't believe it's finally happening.
Is this the happy end?
Do you need a hug?
Oh, yeah, I forgot. You don't give a ****.
Sorry you had to be involved.
It's not your fault.
I have to let you go.
Please, don't get mad or upset about anything I have said.
I think you can say anything to your friend
because he has the ability to understand and forgive.
Besides, this poem is mostly addressed to myself, so no offense, bro.
I just needed to clean out my closet,
close it and try to forget,
write now, then read and get rid of it.
Well, you know more than me about that.
The garbage quantity in your closet
is usually equivalent to the garbage quantity in your head.
Thoughts are like habits, worn out clothes,
that you put on your mind into a plot
to look at it from afar
and get some more freedom.
Obviously, I'm trying too hard.
I gotta let it go,
burn it all,
everything I've written and read.
You, too, need it.
With an empty head, your heart gets filled with love.
I thought it mattered what I said and why I said it.
Turns out, it does not.
You know things may look different from what they really are.
Forgive me if I hurt your feelings.
I thought I was telling the truth.
While I was just fighting my demons,
it looked like I was in love with you.
Although I enjoyed playing with a toy,
I had to pay with my time for the marketing ploy,
the successful American dream embodiment
I've put on a pedestal as a monument
to my shady hero and the old me,
buried with him.
And all the legacy that's left is this eulogy, requiem to M.
I needed to feel and believe in my fantasy
to realize it and create this reality,
wake up in a dream within a dream.
Now I wanna evolve alone, without you,
‘cause I’m not really in love with you.
And I don't wanna be like you.
Indeed, why did I even want you to read it?
I gotta admit,
why would I need you, when I got me
so I can be whatever I wanna be,
become a better version of me?
I know I've said a lot of batshit crazy things
(in my defense, I was high most of the time,
so high on ***, also highly *****,
oh my God, too ******* hot),
but the only important and sane one is this.
Dude, it's my “ode”, a tribute of my gratitude and respect to you.
Talking to you is a pleasure of making love brutally true.
So in the end, this **** is not that bad, I assume.
However, you perhaps shouldn't even have read about this castle in the air,
evoked by the seizure of inspiration,
a theatrically emotional spasm.
All I really wanted to say is that my imagination with you is a limitless chasm.
I co-create with you.
Anticipation is more desirable than a big-bang ******.
The conversation, spiced up with wicked humor and brilliant sarcasm,
fires up the burning sensation of passion
to always find something new in you
thanks to your enormous confidence,
eminent will power, high self-esteem and IQ.
I mean, to succeed, you didn't even need to finish school.
All you needed was to express yourself.
I don't know any other evil rap genius like you,
so eloquent, elegant, but also angry, and rude,
stupefyingly cool and cute,
free beauty and a hungry beast,
who feels eternal spring in the cell of solitude.
For this, I'm forever grateful,
a hopeless romantic, lost in love fool.
Don't ever let me forget you!

Don't let me forget you.

P.S. With all that said, I realized
I appeared to be merely a fan, losing my time,
'cause if I wanna be a peer to a god,
apparently, I gotta have my own art.
Well, maybe not the whole time.
At least I had fun.
You'll live forever in my memory,
even after you die.
I'll resurrect you, for you're my favorite,
concrete matter, indeed divine.
See you. I promise, you won't get lost,
just in case you forgot.
I'll create a new you without words
in the best of my worlds, my god,
or not.

I can hold my breath for
1 minute and 15 seconds.
I still practice sometimes
in case you come to hold me again.
You held me a lot back then-
up against walls and doors and even as we lay in bed.
Your fingers left ever-present bruises on my neck.
You convinced yourself you left them with your mouth
but your hands were my enemy.
*****. Wuss.
They are still curses to me.
Pet-names
You called me when I clumsily ran into your fists.
Or maybe it was the other way around.
I can’t remember anymore.

For a lot of people it is without a known source or trigger or point of orgin that depression will sit in.  They may be fine one moment and then the next a dark cloud suffocates their heart and  venomus thoughts stab into their minds.  And all they can do is shut down, close themselves off, climb in to a dark hole and then mentally and emotionally abuse themselves.  Afraid to say anything because we will call them crazy or too sensitive or worse completely ignore the problem and say something like "man up wuss"  or "you're such a pretty girl, smile don't be sad"... We send alcoholics and junkies to rehab with love and well wishes but treat depression like its nothing more than a bad day out of life, here's a lollipop stop your crying.  People are broken inside and lost and feel alone and very often it's because somewhere in their life they just cared and loved too much... And we repay their kindness and generosity with apathy and ignorance and half hearted sighs as we roll our eyes.  No one stopping to imagine the unimaginable burden and darkness that is going on inside their hearts and souls.  No one able to bare to try and feel for a moment how bad some one has to hurt where death is the better option than life... Let me repeat that... that death is the better option than life ...that the pain and hurt and thoughts have become so bad that they feel death is the better option.  And too many caught in that moment, feel they have no one to turn to, no one willing to accept and belive them that they are depressed and that they just need at least one person to be there with them, that no one is willing to belive they hurt that bad... and then.... BANG ... their gone.  And then for a split second we can all hear the silent monster and see the invisible disease, a second to late to help and a second many of us will wash clean from our eyes.  Because its just to horrific to remember and we're afraid if we open ourselves up to the reality of depression we ourselves will end up another one of its victims.  
Depression is real and it is real scary and those suffering need our acceptance and acknowledgement that they are suffering a horrific disease most of us couldn't cope with.  When we know someone who has it so bad they can't get out of their hole, we need to climb down that hole and sit down in the dark with them.  If they want silence we give them silence, if they want to talk we listen, if they want to cry we cry with them.  We let them know we belive them, give them our compassion and love and empathy.  Don't just be there for them, be there with them.  If we just give them a ladder out, they might come up but then when were not there with them, they might just fall back in.  You really have to let them know, I'm here with you, in or out of this hole, I'm with you, you're not alone.  It's ok to be depressed, its ok to be you.  Maybe you'll get better, maybe you won't, either way I'm here with you.

He has no suspicious ideas

about these hidden thoughts of mine.

The "Got it Twisted" wickedness

Boy

Have I got ideas of what I could do to him,

The experience of my prowess

The sensual heights

I could bring him

Service him the vice of moist

Lips of this mouth

The levies I could break...

Even now (ONE Mississippi)

The Earnestness of the warmth in my groin

(TWO Mississippi)

trains of thought / tight caboose / and whistling steam

(Thrice Mississippi...)

My imbalance seems becoming obvious

So we hurriedly converse,

Our talk :

Brief with business lingo

(My eyes high on his physique)

In the interim

Exchange our dimes,

Buddha in my hand...

"Wuss up?"

'Sup bro... (a synchronized nod)

In the pause of dead air,

I mad dog him with my eyes

                          (Drunk off his musk).

He has no idea about these ideas

The silent stealth of the naked thoughts in my *******,

The twisted scene of my imagination's

Motion pictures...


******** him off to completion.

I make mistakes yes I know
However I'm still young and not fully grown
I'm sorry I messed up
I'm sorry I fail
When you scream at me it makes me feel frail
I didn't mean to mess up
I'm sorry stop screaming!!!!
Stop threatening me because I'm not perfect
I'm human please just get over it
Alright cuss at my mom because that makes you look like such a man
You think you're so perfect? Well try it **** face step up to the plate
Take a stand without acting like a little *****
You think you can call me a worthless ******* and that I'll get over it?
You think it's okay to yell at my mom in front of me
You think I'm supposed to not make mistakes
***** PLEASE!
I'm a ******* human being
Get over it you wuss
After all you're nothing but a swearing angry ****!

How did it feel to say I do?
The rush of blood to the head,
The whirlwind of emotions,
The walk down the aisle.

What was going on in your head
Even as you said your wows
And the I love yous
And the right backs
Where has all that feeling gone
Now, that you are fighting to be gone

Vows are what they shouldn't be
Words, with echoes after, without heart; ceremonial
For better for worse didn't you say?
So stop being a wuss and fix it eh?

Lose your doubts, not your partner